mguevara_209 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Hello, My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half. He is 26, and I am 24. We both go to the same university, have a lot of things in common, our parents have met, and we do a lot of things together. All in all, everything has been great. There have been two instances where he did something he didn't like, so he told me he didn't like what I did, and we just talked about it without arguing. He has done one thing that I did not like too, so I told him how it made me feel, and we just talked about how we can fix it. Wherever something like this happens, we just talk things out and work it out. The point is that we never fight. One of my closest friends knows about this, and she mentioned that a relationship of two people who never fight is unhealthy. So, she said that what I have with my boyfriend must be unhealthy. I really do not see how. I understand that we have only been dating for a year and a half. To me, that's not a long time, and I know fights might come along one day. As of now, however, we have never fought. My question is: is a relationship like this one where two people do not fight really unhealthy? I would really appreciate your guys' opinion and/or advice. Thanks!
soph-walker Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Arguing is to be expected now and then, but if you're both able to talk things through, count yourself lucky and ignore your friend! It may depend on what your previous 2 disagreements were over in terms of how you were able to talk about it and move on, but it may not always be the case as your relationship continues, maybe be prepared for a big 'blow out' argument. But aside from that, good on you both! 1
Gaeta Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I think your friend is trying to justify the fights in her own dysfunctional relationship. Where is it written not fighting is unhealthy anyway. I know couples who have never fought and have been together 50 years. They're just highly compatible and respectful of each other. 3
miranda_wilson Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 (edited) I'm with a person (been talking in a bonding way -- on Facebook -- since April, been actually dating since July) with whom I don't fight either. But it's not that we've NEVER fought; it's just that we rarely fight. Like you and your person, we had "tensions" a few times in August and September, none of which resulted in any arguing or even long-winded discussion; it was more like I got text-quiet on some occasional days in which I was bothered by something. We resolved those things with calm discussion. We got into an actual BIG FIGHT on Dec. 7th. But we have not fought since and just in general, we don't fight or have tensions. The "big fight" was pretty anomalous and even though it happened, I think it was this weird fluke of circumstances and not indicative of the dynamic we have. I both agree and disagree with your friend about fighting in a relationship being healthy. We have all read that. But I think it needs some clarification. I think "conflict" is healthy in a relationship. If two people never have any conflict or tensions at all -- not just felt by one or both but actually expressed by one or both -- it's a sign that someone's not being true to their feelings or opinions about things, because no matter how much two people like each other and generally agree on things, there's no way you agree about EVERYTHING or that you have the same attitudes and beliefs about EVERYTHING. So it's normal if occasionally while talking about things, the other is saying something that sort of unsettles you or that you feel is a bit messed up. I think it's healthy for a couple to have mild tensions and to express those mild tensions/conflicts/annoyances, but they must 1) keep it at bay, 2) don't let it devolve into yelling or arguing, and 3) respectfully agree to disagree. My boyfriend and I get along really well, and I don't think we have to "try" to get along well; I think it's mostly natural. But we've had different attitudes about things at times that were political/social-issues in nature, and it's gotten slightly tense at those times. But we both handle it well, sort of like....well, I think this and you think that...not gonna argue about it. And we let it go. Also, I wanted to mention that I have been with someone in the past for five and a half years in which arguing didn't start until year three or so. Not saying you and your boyfriend will start arguing. Just be wary that dynamics and circumstances change sometimes and that you always have to take care of the relationship as it currently is. Don't assume compatibility and smooth sailing is fixed and unwavering because of what you've established so far. I'm being wary of that myself. Edited January 7, 2016 by miranda_wilson
basil67 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I've been with my partner for 23 years. We sometimes get snippy. We sometimes have to negotiate compromise. But we never *fight*. And we're very happy. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 You need to stop worrying about what your friend thinks. Are you happy? Do you like the way conflict is resolved in your relationship? If so, tell her to mind her beeswax. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Fighting stems from lack of communication. Instead of being honest and embracing a bit of confrontation, people let things fester. So it eventually blows up. My GF and I have bickered a few times. But I'm a very direct person and I communicate. So if she does something that gets under my skin, I tell her so right away. She does the same w/me. So we're able to work through things and squash them quickly. But as a whole we're very happy and in love.
AndOrchid Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 No 2 people can agree on everything 100% of the time. However, that does not mean not fighting is unhealthy. It is only unhealthy if one or both people just ignore problems and let resentment fester because they are afraid of confrontation or because they don't know how to communicate so their frustrations come out in passive aggressive ways. What you are doing in your relationship, i.e. address disagreements in a respectful way until the issue is resolved, actually sounds pretty ideal. Bottom line: your friend doesn't know what she is talking about.
thecrucible Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 I would ignore your friend. I can see what she means if you were trying to suggest that you do not ever disagree (as that would seem unhealthy) but that isn't what you said. I think she's misunderstood what you were talking about it. Just ignore others' opinions on your relationship if you know that it's right.
Poutrew Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Well, you could try fighting to see if you like it or it makes you feel good... No I am not talking about a real fight. You get together with your boyfriend and dream up a totally fictional scenario and then write out a script - just like on TV. Then you rehearse it, and then put some emotion into it and do it. If it feels good, then hey, you can do it again. Just imagine a different scenario - you could script out one major blow-out a month. It'll be scads of fun. If it feels bad, hey, it's just an imaginary scenario. Throw it in the trash and then go back to being happy. Then, you can write up another script where you tell your friend to keep her 'effing nose out of your private lives...
Grewd Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) Generally speaking it's not unhealthy, it is if one or both accept being hurt because avoiding risk of conflict takes priority over finding a way both can be at peace with. That doesn't seem to be the case for you as you've had such conversations and it turned out good, other than that you're probably just very compatible with each other. It wouldn't hurt to take a critical look at your friend to see if there's anything to validate this belief. Is she in a relationship? If yes then are they fighting, but it's better because of it? If no then how many has she been in? If several then perhaps fighting is a cause for it? Still if none or few then what legitimacy does her claim have? If both you and your boyfriend are satisfied the way it is now it's certainly not unhealthy by the definition of the word. It's absurd and contradictory to fight for the sake of love, absurdity and contradiction IS unhealthy for a relationship. I've had a girlfriend for almost 6 months, we haven't fought and I doubt we will. We both really dislike conflict and neither of us have trouble adapting to the other, none of us are very demanding either as there's no need. We enjoy being nice to each other, but neither of us expect it and make it a demand. Edited January 8, 2016 by Grewd
CherryVanilla Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Hello, My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half. He is 26, and I am 24. We both go to the same university, have a lot of things in common, our parents have met, and we do a lot of things together. All in all, everything has been great. There have been two instances where he did something he didn't like, so he told me he didn't like what I did, and we just talked about it without arguing. He has done one thing that I did not like too, so I told him how it made me feel, and we just talked about how we can fix it. Wherever something like this happens, we just talk things out and work it out. The point is that we never fight. One of my closest friends knows about this, and she mentioned that a relationship of two people who never fight is unhealthy. So, she said that what I have with my boyfriend must be unhealthy. I really do not see how. I understand that we have only been dating for a year and a half. To me, that's not a long time, and I know fights might come along one day. As of now, however, we have never fought. My question is: is a relationship like this one where two people do not fight really unhealthy? I would really appreciate your guys' opinion and/or advice. Thanks! Perhaps your friend is jealous because FIGHTING is unhealthy.
Zippy2000 Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 How wrong is your friend! Different people have different commication styles. The very fact you talk things through to fix things with a consistent attitude means your both compatible. You have the same temperments and have a mature outlook. I work in the customer service industry and arguing isnt contructive or productive. We have to talk and communicate effectively which is the right way regardless what your friend say. 1
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