Lost my best friend

[holycity61]

Just a little disclaimer before reading this novel written below: I have been through a lot of s*** in my life. My family situation is messed up, lost my two best friends to car accidents, career dreams I had worked for all my life ruined due to medical stuff... the whole everything happens for a reason crap. SO with that being said, the devastation of losing someone you truly love on top of everything else has been very difficult so I guess I'm here to just vent. Thanks in advance for listening to my story...

 

So I met this girl about two years ago. We met through a mutual friend and I had been caught up running around with a girl who was seeing another guy at the same time which I knew but was stupid enough to waste my time. However, I became to be close friends with the girl I met through my friend, she also was dealing with an unstable relationship at the time so we were able to commiserate with each other. I could tell early on that this girl was very different from most, she actually cared about what you had to say and what you had going on in your life.

 

After a little while, we stopped hanging out, she hit me up a few times to go out but I always brushed them off as her trying to get me to go out and piss of the guy she had just broke up with. A few months go by and I was really down in the dumps about stuff I had going on with my life. I had found 6 months prior to all this that I had been diagnosed with a genetic blood disorder and that there was a possibility that I wouldn't live past my 30's so obviously I was pretty messed up hearing about this. In order to get people off my back about saying how I was depressed all the time, I decided to address the issue. As soon as I made it public about what I was going through, guess who gets in touch with me...

 

She had told me when we first started hanging out that her dad had been battling a deadly form of cancer so when she heard about what I had going on she was shocked, upset and wanted to try to help me feel better about everything and see life in a positive way. We started hanging out again as friends. I had not developed feelings for her as I held myself back not wanting to feel that way about someone and then have them not feel the same because I knew any sort of serious relationship with her was probably a longshot. We started going out and sure enough one thing led to another and we hooked up one night both drunk. She admitted to me that she had caught feelings for me early on when we first met, and that she thought she loved me. I was shocked....I didn't know what to say to her because I knew that first the alcohol was talking and second, she never showed any signs of feeling that way other than always talking to me and calling to check up and stuff.

 

So I go to get treatment during the holidays and she was trying to send me stuff while in the hospital, called me all the time, we would talk for hours. She really was a huge part of getting me through everything. I was slowly starting to catch feelings for her too. We made that when I got back to town we would go to the same New Years Eve ball with each other with a big group. We still couldn't figure out what we had going on. Long story short, a few weeks after that she confessed everything to me, SOBER, about how she felt and I told her too that I felt the same, but that I didn't want to bring someone into my life and have to subject them to all the nonsense I had going on (trying not to be selfish). She assured me that whatever I had going on was worth enduring because she knew at this point her feelings were deep and they were real. Sure enough we started dating.

 

Everything was almost too perfect. She was everything I had ever imagined the perfect girl to be. She was gorgeous, smart, funny as hell, and could get along with almost anyone. The fact that we had been close friends before dating made both of us feel much more confident about the outlook of our relationship. I had never been so happy with anyone and I could tell that the love was real because its almost like you can just feel it especially when the feeling is mutual. All of our friends thought we were perfect together. We were like bread and butter, a package deal. I finally met her folks but because of her past relationships, I knew it was going to take awhile for them to warm up to me. She had a history of dating some psychos. I was a total 180 from her previous boyfriend. Not to mention I have always been a parents wet dream (polite, bright future, treated their daughters with respect, in shape & dressed nice). Her parents were surprisingly quick to warm up to me, its almost like the could smell if I was full of s*** or not and clearly I wasn't.

 

Time went on, things going great. Never really fought at all other than the occasional agree to disagree kind of thing but nothing significant. I helped her finish up school (tutored in subjects I could) and I was getting ready to graduate myself. We were both very selfless in the relationship, both of us did anything and everything for each other. About six months into dating, the talk of marriage came up. She had told me that if my treatment didn't work out and I wasn't going to live that long, she wanted us to get married soon and she wanted to have a kid with me. I was totally shocked once again. Hitting me with these kinds of things so soon really made me take a step back and try to get a grasp on if that would be the right thing to do. But I truly loved her and was planning on spending my life with her but didn't want to think about marriage let alone kids until we were both individually stable and on our feet. So after really thinking about it, I told her that if I wasn't going to be around long, we would do all that. I trusted her so much already that if she really wanted that, it was the right thing to do.

 

She went to study abroad in Europe for the summer after graduation. She was gone for a month, but wanted me to come visit her during her last two weeks there, and her parents wanted me to go to cause they felt more comfortable with her traveling around with me there. The month apart was smooth, I'm not the jealous type and didn't need to be because of the trust we had. We met up and traveled around Europe for a few days and it was like a honeymoon. We got back to the states and I was getting ready to start a job. I moved her into a new place, I moved into a new place as well. We were coming up on a year. Everything seemed fine. One night, she went out with a guy who we had all hung out with before. A friend of hers from class that she had met when she was a sophomore. He is 3-4 years older and she had always told me that she saw him as an older brother and she could never see herself hooking up with him. He was not a kid I particularly thought highly of mainly because he was a trust fund baby who was using daddy's money to try and start some adventure company. He is essentially the classic "f*** boy". Long story short she spent the night at his place and the next day she wanted to revaluate our relationship....

 

Yep so obviously it looks like the classic drunk hookup, she was too guilty to admit it and wanted to break things off but while using all the classic excuses. "No more drive" for the relationship, wants to be free to pursue a good career, she wasn't unhappy dating me or anything she just no longer saw us getting married, didn't want to string me along, said I had too much going on to want to deal with blah blah blah....She was all over the place with her reasoning and I was utterly devastated. I played it cool, said I wanted her to be happy and whatever was best for her. Which is the truth, she transformed into a person I had never met before. Its like someone flipped a switch. I get its good this happened now and not somewhere down the road but it still hurts to lose a love, a best friend, and someone you thought you trusted. While she never admitted to cheating, pretty much every finger points in that direction and she will never admit it to protect her image. She told me I was the nicest guy by far she had ever dated and that it sucked it had to be this way, losing her "best friend" and all. Obviously she could've cared less...

 

The second we broke up, friends of mine saw her out frequently with the new guy. Last I heard they were dating not even a month after cutting me off. Cant tell if its a rebound or if its real. I never thought she would go for a kid like him, he is not what she typically goes for... Soon after the social media posts with him in them all came, that was her quick ticket to the delete box. I just have no desire to see that garbage.

 

Went NC for awhile, until the issue came up of exchanging stuff. She drug out getting my stuff together for me to get for a good bit, finally got my things and gave her back hers about two months after she broke up with me. I've been doing things to advance my career and keep busy. Hanging out with old friends again just minding my own business. Went through the grieving stages, and still sort of am. Pretty sure I have reached acceptance at this point. She contacted me the other night after a solid month of NC asking to get a few more things that I completely forgot about. I again was brief and short and let her know I would get it all gathered at a time where I wasn't busy. She told me "she was sorry this couldn't be a friend thing" I told her that her actions spoke louder than her words.... She said that I was obviously still some sort of pissed off, and she did nothing to me other than break up with me. I wanted to tear her a new one but I took the high road and remained brief & short. I went out again last night and she called twice pretty late, figured they were drunk calls so I didn't answer them.

 

I just will never be able to fully comprehend the actions women take and how they can hide their true colors so well. This one taught me a lot, while I have no desire to pursue a rebound or any relationship for that matter, I will always miss her and will always find myself comparing every other girl to her. I lost my first true love, and I don't wish this on my worst enemy. It hurts...bad.

 

Look forward to hearing any insight or similar occurrences... My sincerest apologies to everyone else who has been through the same sort of thing.

[Nickr3023]

I think you've probably found on this site that it seems almost every relationship ends this way. It seems nowadays that infidelity ends every relationship, unfortunately because we as people overall suck at communication. I'm sorry you're going through this, as I went through the same exact thing you did with being cheated on. I've started to hit the acceptance phase also and it feels like I've started the grieving process all over again. Crying at the drop of a hat, constantly thinking about her, about everything that happened, always beating myself up for how everything went down. I hope you have a better time with everything than I'm having right now.

[holycity61]

Unfortunately, I think you are spot on. Makes LTRs more and more unappealing in the long run.

[Itspointless]

xI have been through a lot of s*** in my life. My family situation is messed up, lost my two best friends to car accidents, career dreams I had worked for all my life ruined due to medical stuff... the whole everything happens for a reason crap.

No, most things in life are entirely random (at least I believe that). What isn't random though is that somehow we attract people who have high potency to repeat traumas that we haven't worked through as much as we should have. It is something relationship therapists are well aware of.

She had a history of dating some psychos.

And unfortunately that is a warning sign.

She had told me when we first started hanging out that her dad had been battling a deadly form of cancer so when she heard about what I had going on she was shocked, upset and wanted to try to help me feel better about everything and see life in a positive way.

Why, I wonder? Seems she was using you for some sort of compensation.

I didn't want to bring someone into my life and have to subject them to all the nonsense I had going on (trying not to be selfish). She assured me that whatever I had going on was worth enduring because she knew at this point her feelings were deep and they were real.

I experienced the other end where the choice was made for me while we already were together. You made the choice that I had wished for.

[Nickr3023]

Unfortunately, I think you are spot on. Makes LTRs more and more unappealing in the long run.

 

I'm beginning to wonder if we as humans have progressed to the point that we rarely think long term anymore. When people get married, do they really think about the fact that you're going to be with this person, this one person, for the rest of your life. I think that's where people end up going wrong. I've become so cynical after being cheated on by the 2 women in my life that I've loved. I think of relationships like this now.....there's no such thing as a happy ending. Someone is going to suffer heartbreak in the process, either through breakup/divorce, or death. A terrible way to think, but unfortunately it's where my head is at now.

[Itspointless]

I'm beginning to wonder if we as humans have progressed to the point that we rarely think long term anymore. When people get married, do they really think about the fact that you're going to be with this person, this one person, for the rest of your life. I think that's where people end up going wrong. I've become so cynical after being cheated on by the 2 women in my life that I've loved. I think of relationships like this now.....there's no such thing as a happy ending. Someone is going to suffer heartbreak in the process, either through breakup/divorce, or death. A terrible way to think, but unfortunately it's where my head is at now.

Don't lose hope, there are good people out there. But we need to work on ourselves constantly to be able to find them.

[holycity61]

I hate to think so negative at this point but my current outlook on marriage is that if you think you're going to wind up with someone and it falls through, that's a sign that marriage isn't for you. Just based off the fact that you will never attract the right type of person in order to have that be successful. I am only 22 but I have had my fair share of go-rounds with relationships and not one has ever ended well for me, mainly because I seem to just attract the wrong type...

[Itspointless]

I hate to think so negative at this point but my current outlook on marriage is that if you think you're going to wind up with someone and it falls through, that's a sign that marriage isn't for you. Just based off the fact that you will never attract the right type of person in order to have that be successful. I am only 22 but I have had my fair share of go-rounds with relationships and not one has ever ended well for me, mainly because I seem to just attract the wrong type...

I haven't had my fair share either, I am a lot older than you. Still it is important to learn to appreciate when life throws good things towards us, expecting things to be eternal is naive and unrealistic. Sometimes we do encounter things that last a lifetime, but we should not expect it. See the good things in life, but never take them for granted.

[holycity61]

I'm the first one to admit, the happiness that she brought me was a feeling of happiness that no one else nor nothing else will ever be able to replicate. Just being able to feel that happy even if it was only for a year and some change was still a gift and I will never forget it. I will always be thankful I was able to experience that with someone...

[Nickr3023]

Don't lose hope, there are good people out there. But we need to work on ourselves constantly to be able to find them.

 

I'm trying to work on myself as this past relationship has brought to the surface an overwhelming number of problems that I think I've covered up for far too long including depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts and tendencies, and extremely poor self esteem and self worth problems.

[ExtraSpice]

Everything in life changes. Whether good or bad, it will change at some point. So you can be happy that you are experiencing a good thing or be sad that it will not last forever.

 

Different events in our life steer us one way or another. Usually after a breakup we concentrate more on the bad, how things end, how you hurt, how your trust is broken, how you won't find anyone else. But when we do find somebody we concentrate on how good things are, how much you like them, the future possibilities and so on. That is just how life is, up and down.

 

Unfortunately knowing that doesn't necessarily help in feeling better. Accepting that reality is a lot harder than it sounds but imperative to our own well being. I am preaching this but practicing is a different story.

[Nickr3023]

I'm the first one to admit, the happiness that she brought me was a feeling of happiness that no one else nor nothing else will ever be able to replicate. Just being able to feel that happy even if it was only for a year and some change was still a gift and I will never forget it. I will always be thankful I was able to experience that with someone...

 

Unfortunately for me, the happiness she brought me was the problem....it came from someone else, and not myself. She was basically like a drug to me. When things we're great, it was like an extreme high, but when things were poor, it was like going through withdrawl from a drug. Now that she's gone, it's extreme withdrawl from that drug.

[holycity61]

Unfortunately for me, the happiness she brought me was the problem....it came from someone else, and not myself. She was basically like a drug to me. When things we're great, it was like an extreme high, but when things were poor, it was like going through withdrawl from a drug. Now that she's gone, it's extreme withdrawl from that drug.

 

You are spot on with that analogy...

[Nickr3023]

You are spot on with that analogy...

 

I used to use that analogy to describe her to my friends and family as a good thing. It was a wonderful feeling to be addicted to someone. Until someone brought up a good point to me that I dismissed at the time......that essentially, drugs are bad for you. Sadly they were right.

[PrettyEmily77]

Hey OP.

 

Don't despair: there is hope for you yet .

 

I haven't experienced what you went through but have had my fair share of difficult LTRs (emotional abuse/belittling, paranoia-fuelled ex who made my life a nightmare amongst other stuff) but at 39, I'm finally in a healthy relationship. It took time and experience for me to fine-tune my people-picker and to know and recognise my own boundaries, but most of all I now know that even if this R comes to an end, I'll be just fine. Life doesn't stop after a breakup. You learn more about yourself, you become a lot less judgemental of others and you have time to do stuff for yourself and to dedicate to family/friends.

 

I've found that ultimately, you're your own best friend - keep your focus on what matters, look after yourself and things will work out for themselves.

 

In the meantime, ((hugs)).

[Itspointless]

Unfortunately for me, the happiness she brought me was the problem....it came from someone else, and not myself. She was basically like a drug to me. When things we're great, it was like an extreme high, but when things were poor, it was like going through withdrawl from a drug. Now that she's gone, it's extreme withdrawl from that drug.

What you are describing probably is the combination of codependance and the hormone Oxitocin. It is that hormone (sometimes called the love hormone) that make abused women go back to their abuser. Now you know why! It has nothing to do with reason, their arguments are secondary. So yes, you are addicted. Also it sounds like your relationship was toxic.

 

And at the same time no, it did came from you, your expectations (believes) about the relation and the way you stood in it (physically and mentally), she touched something within you that you need to investigate. I know that is hard to swallow and yes I have been there more than once.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Itspointless

[holycity61]

What you are describing probably is the combination of codependance and the hormone Oxitocin. It is that hormone (sometimes called the love hormone) that make abused women go back to their abuser. Now you know why! It has nothing to do with reason, their arguments are secondary. So yes, you are addicted. Also it sounds like your relationship was toxic.

 

And at the same time no, it did came from you, your expectations (believes) about the relation and the way you stood in it (physically and mentally), she touched something within you that you need to investigate. I know that is hard to swallow and yes I have been there more than once.

 

That's why the dumper is so fast to rebound, they want to replace that feeling so fast. Same I guess sometimes goes for the dumpee but in my case I have no desire to try and fake something and hurt someone else in the process because it will never be the same...

[Nickr3023]

What you are describing probably is the combination of codependance and the hormone Oxitocin. It is that hormone (sometimes called the love hormone) that make abused women go back to their abuser. Now you know why! It has nothing to do with reason, their arguments are secondary. So yes, you are addicted. Also it sounds like your relationship was toxic.

 

And at the same time no, it did came from you, your expectations (believes) about the relation and the way you stood in it (physically and mentally), she touched something within you that you need to investigate. I know that is hard to swallow and yes I have been there more than once.

 

I have no doubt that I was codependent on her. I had never heard of Oxitocin, but I will research that further as I just want to understand what is wrong with me. The relationship was extremely toxic, with just absolutely awful timing, and falling in love when we just shouldn't have. I've started counseling and am going to go on anti-depressants to see if that combination helps as I know I can't go at this alone.

[Nickr3023]

What you are describing probably is the combination of codependance and the hormone Oxitocin. It is that hormone (sometimes called the love hormone) that make abused women go back to their abuser. Now you know why! It has nothing to do with reason, their arguments are secondary. So yes, you are addicted. Also it sounds like your relationship was toxic.

 

And at the same time no, it did came from you, your expectations (believes) about the relation and the way you stood in it (physically and mentally), she touched something within you that you need to investigate. I know that is hard to swallow and yes I have been there more than once.

 

After looking up Oxitocin and how it works, I'm wondering if part of what I'm going through is the fact that my ex and I had done MDMA (molly or extasy) together multiple times. Part of what that does is release more oxytocin, so in part doing that may have made the feelings even more intense. I'm just kinda throwing stuff out there as I'm not really sure if this would cause anymore of this effect or not. But it's interesting nonetheless.

[Itspointless]

That's why the dumper is so fast to rebound, they want to replace that feeling so fast. Same I guess sometimes goes for the dumpee but in my case I have no desire to try and fake something and hurt someone else in the process because it will never be the same...

Yes, (add to this that some dumpers already have mourned their decision the moment you find out) but also because many people are not used to being alone. They try to fill a hole that exists within themselves with those people. That is also why I mentioned the fact that your ex wanted to make you happy with your situation. What was that about and what role did the relationship with her father play in that?

 

It is good that you do not desire and try to fake something. But do not expect people or fate to reward you for those morals. It rarely works that way.

I have no doubt that I was codependent on her. I had never heard of Oxitocin, but I will research that further as I just want to understand what is wrong with me. The relationship was extremely toxic, with just absolutely awful timing, and falling in love when we just shouldn't have. I've started counseling and am going to go on anti-depressants to see if that combination helps as I know I can't go at this alone.

I think you are taking the right steps.

After looking up Oxitocin and how it works, I'm wondering if part of what I'm going through is the fact that my ex and I had done MDMA (molly or extasy) together multiple times. Part of what that does is release more oxytocin, so in part doing that may have made the feelings even more intense. I'm just kinda throwing stuff out there as I'm not really sure if this would cause anymore of this effect or not. But it's interesting nonetheless.

It is possible. Still feeling secure (a psychological term concerning attachment) seems to me the more important factor here. So it is good you are taking steps with therapy.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Itspointless

[holycity61]

Yes, (add to this that some dumpers already have mourned their decision the moment you find out) but also because many people are not used to being alone. They try to fill a hole that exists within themselves with those people. That is also why I mentioned the fact that your ex wanted to make you happy with your situation. What was that about and what role did the relationship with her father play in that?

 

It is good that you do not desire and try to fake something. But do not expect people or fate to reward you for those morals. It rarely works that way.

 

 

I think my ex just had that personality, it was her nature to help people get through tough times and act as like a counselor. People would call her up out of the blue with problems like that pretty frequently. She was just always there to help people that needed it, I guess she saw me in a way thinking I needed help? And tried to relate my tough times with the tough times she went through with her dad?? That's my speculation but cant be sure....

[Itspointless]

I think my ex just had that personality, it was her nature to help people get through tough times and act as like a counselor. People would call her up out of the blue with problems like that pretty frequently. She was just always there to help people that needed it, I guess she saw me in a way thinking I needed help? And tried to relate my tough times with the tough times she went through with her dad?? That's my speculation but cant be sure....

Well I can tell you, that usually is not just it. I once too was that person. and at some point I still do that, considering me writing here. Usually people show us what they secretly actually want themselves.

[Nickr3023]

 

It is possible. Still feeling secure (a psychological term concerning attachment) seems to me the more important factor here. So it is good you are taking steps with therapy.

 

Can you explain this "secure" term that you refer to a little more?

[Itspointless]

Can you explain this "secure" term that you refer to a little more?

See: Attachment and Adult Relationships: How the Attachment Bond Shapes Adult Relationships

[holycity61]

Well I can tell you, that usually is not just it. I once too was that person. and at some point I still do that, considering me writing here. Usually people show us what they secretly actually want themselves.

 

What is it you think she really wanted out of reaching out during a tough time for me? Like she saw it as a door of vulnerability and took advantage of it because she knew she could get me? I'm beginning to think she may have a personality disorder...