soph-walker Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 This is a question for the guys, but also may apply to ladies too.. do you go on dates or have you used dates as an 'ego stroke'? If you knew you weren't really interested after meeting on a first date, why then would you contact again and meet up on a second date? Am starting to get the impression that the OLD culture is all about ego massage and always holding off for something better that might be around the corner.
TheArtist Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 To be honest I've thought that about online dating for a while. I think it's the same for both genders too. I'm not saying it doesn't work, but I do think the success rate is much lower than people's expectations. 'I'll simply take a few selfies, throw a profile up and brace myself against the tidal wave of single people flinging their pants at me' It's really not that easy. It does take perseverance, constant revisions to your profile and images, and lots of messages. The biggest problem will always be that you know these people are single, and they also know that there are many, many other people they could date on those sites, so why invest in one person when they could keep looking for the absolute perfect match (that they'll never find). If you're going to do OLD then both parties have really got to want to get to know each other and focus on what is right in front of them, not what could be back on their laptop.
Author soph-walker Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 To be honest I've thought that about online dating for a while. I think it's the same for both genders too. I'm not saying it doesn't work, but I do think the success rate is much lower than people's expectations. 'I'll simply take a few selfies, throw a profile up and brace myself against the tidal wave of single people flinging their pants at me' It's really not that easy. It does take perseverance, constant revisions to your profile and images, and lots of messages. The biggest problem will always be that you know these people are single, and they also know that there are many, many other people they could date on those sites, so why invest in one person when they could keep looking for the absolute perfect match (that they'll never find). If you're going to do OLD then both parties have really got to want to get to know each other and focus on what is right in front of them, not what could be back on their laptop. I'm finding it quite discouraging. As much as I don't take it personally, it's starting to wear me down a bit. I went on a second date with a guy last night who finished the date by saying he didn't want to string me along, but we should leave it be. I thanked him for his candid approach, but couldn't help but wonder why the heck he would bother taking time out of his busy schedule to drive 45 miles if he wasn't all that keen after one date?
TheArtist Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 As much as I don't take it personally, it's starting to wear me down a bit. Yeah, it does that eventually. It's always good to take a break now and again, revise your profile and then get back on there in a month or so. There aren't any little fibs on your profile that may have come to the surface during the meeting are there? You're not really 7'3" or anything? All my best relationships have come from accidental meetings with no intent to go out and find a date, but if you really want a partner then it's no fun leaving it to chance. Rather than actually going from words on a page to a meeting, you might want to try a phone call before you travel anywhere. You can tell a lot more from a proper conversation than you can with text.
Author soph-walker Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 Yeah, it does that eventually. It's always good to take a break now and again, revise your profile and then get back on there in a month or so. There aren't any little fibs on your profile that may have come to the surface during the meeting are there? You're not really 7'3" or anything? All my best relationships have come from accidental meetings with no intent to go out and find a date, but if you really want a partner then it's no fun leaving it to chance. Rather than actually going from words on a page to a meeting, you might want to try a phone call before you travel anywhere. You can tell a lot more from a proper conversation than you can with text. That's some good advice, I think I will take some time for myself instead of trying to look for a relationship. And haha, not 7'3", there's nothing on my profile that I can't back up 'in real life'. My thoughts are that this guy was only after an ego stroke or was a player as he spent half the night gazing into my eyes and telling me he's not seeing anyone else.
Author soph-walker Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 In fact, I wish it was acceptable to be able to ask a date what it was that didn't swing their lead, I seem to be stuck in a rut with getting past first/second dates. I'm warm, chatty, a good listener, honest, slim and pretty (don't mean to blow my own trumpet here!!), hardworking and it seems to be getting me nowhere fast. 1
TheArtist Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 In fact, I wish it was acceptable to be able to ask a date what it was that didn't swing their lead, I seem to be stuck in a rut with getting past first/second dates. I'm warm, chatty, a good listener, honest, slim and pretty (don't mean to blow my own trumpet here!!), hardworking and it seems to be getting me nowhere fast. You sound like my kind of girl (especially if you don't play the trumpet, no one likes that!) I don't see anything wrong with sending them a message back on the dating site to ask what didn't click. They might message you and tell you or not contact you at all. You're not going to see them again so what have you lost? Just be nice about it though. I wouldn't dwell on it though, the important thing is that you be yourself; if the date doesn't like you then it's clearly his loss. Let him go back on the dating site and carry on his weird obsession with first dates, so you can bask in the fact that he's missed out. I have the same problem as you, lots of first dates then they just disappear. Don't worry, we'll get there! 1
Gaeta Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 You need a thick skin to do online dating. I have been on many dates where I was really interested in meeting the man but once he was in front of me, even if he looked like his pictures, I didn't like his energy, mannerism, demeanor, etc. It's not because someone shows you interest online that they will like you in real. Then if he wants to see you again chances are you won't make it to the 3rd date as most encounters do not make it that long. Finally only 25% of online meeting end up becoming a relationship. You should thank that man for being honest right there on the spot with you because he could have easily dragged you for weeks before telling you he was not interested. If it's worth it? Well you decide if this is for you or not. It took me about 150 meetings and 3,5 years online to find someone worthy dating. On the other end I know people married with the 3rd man they met online. 2
Author soph-walker Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 You sound like my kind of girl (especially if you don't play the trumpet, no one likes that!) I don't see anything wrong with sending them a message back on the dating site to ask what didn't click. They might message you and tell you or not contact you at all. You're not going to see them again so what have you lost? Just be nice about it though. I wouldn't dwell on it though, the important thing is that you be yourself; if the date doesn't like you then it's clearly his loss. Let him go back on the dating site and carry on his weird obsession with first dates, so you can bask in the fact that he's missed out. I have the same problem as you, lots of first dates then they just disappear. Don't worry, we'll get there! Aw shucks, thanks for the kind words. I may go ahead and drop him a quick message then, just for feedback. And then promptly take myself out of the dating market for a time. And Gaeta, you sound a wise woman. And I did thank him, that kind of honesty for me is rare and desirable. Onwards and upwards on this roller coaster of life! 1
smudge21 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I reckon the hardest part of any kind of dating, whether it be random chance or online, is when you meet someone and just feel that everything is going perfectly... but then they end it or change their minds the next day. You're left not only with the thought of still being single but also that "what the hell" confusion as in your mind it was going really well. Obviously you have no idea what is going on in their mind and so asking them outright may be the best/only option. You really have nothing to lose, but whatever the answer I wouldn't expect it to change anything. Some people just simply aren't meant for each other. Try not to dwell on someone else's reasons or motives, it will drive you insane and you'll never get the answer you want. Just accept what it is and move on, onwards and upwards. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 This is a question for the guys, but also may apply to ladies too.. do you go on dates or have you used dates as an 'ego stroke'? If you knew you weren't really interested after meeting on a first date, why then would you contact again and meet up on a second date? Am starting to get the impression that the OLD culture is all about ego massage and always holding off for something better that might be around the corner. I will meet girls from OLD that I'm not super into because A) I'm a chubby dude and not a whole lot of girls on OLD are willing to meet up when you can next for something more attractive and B) online personality is not in person personality so it's just a waste of time. Just meet. Generally speaking, I'm usually only turned off by people who grossly misrepresent themselves.
lilmissjava Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I am still on hiatus from OLD. I do take breaks every few months but in the time that I was actively participating, I have had plenty of conversations that never got past the messaging stage (my own screening process), but had 5 dates. I tried OLD for the first time last July and I've never had to before, but because of where I live, the proverbial "sea" is like a puddle lol. I sincerely do think most of the men within my search area are there for ego strokes. The same men are still there whenever I return from a break, and I am not interested in getting to know any of them, or we have communicated previously and nothing came of it so I am not wasting anyone's time. In one case, a guy had been actively on the site for two straight years (and still is). I don't have that kind of time to invest in searching for someone to go on a few dates with and have nothing come of it, I would rather take my chances (which are much better) in real life. For the most part, I think a lot of them are addicted to the thrill of seeing how many barbie dolls they can get to return their messages, or looking for the next good profile, it almost seems like they have the "next one is always better" mentality. One guy was messaging me for a good few days and then poof, he was gone. A few months later, he was back on the site, complaining in his profile about how the girl he met on the site should eat her make up so she would be beautiful on the inside too. He added me as a favorite when he returned but I removed myself from his list because I was passed over for a barbie doll who evidently played games with him. Sorry buddy I have moved on! My final word > You can be anything you want on the Internet! 2
salparadise Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 In fact, I wish it was acceptable to be able to ask a date what it was that didn't swing their lead, I seem to be stuck in a rut with getting past first/second dates. I'm warm, chatty, a good listener, honest, slim and pretty (don't mean to blow my own trumpet here!!), hardworking and it seems to be getting me nowhere fast. Ah, you're being too analytical about the whole thing. And you're doing your best to attribute lack of quick success to some kind of personal deficit. Don't do that! We're all looking for a needle in a haystack. Just accept that you'll have to sort through a lot of straw to find it. It's all very subjective, not in any way related to your intrinsic value as a woman or person. I've been divorced six years, and I've done a LOT of first dates/initial meetings from OLD in that time. I can't think of a single time that I went out with someone more than once that it did not develop into something (relationship?) that lasted at least three or four months. The reason is that I was looking for that elusive thing we call chemistry, and I only asked for second dates if I felt it was there, and mutual. There were a few times when I might have been attracted/interested but I wasn't feeling it coming back in my direction, in which case I didn't pursue. It was never about a person's intrinsic qualities, just that elusive chemistry thing. My current girlfriend of four months didn't leave me wondering... after the first date she texted me (first text ever between the two of us) and said she enjoyed it and would like to go out again. Yea, I know- too forward for some, but I certainly didn't hold it against her- now we're thick as thieves, probably the best relationship I've ever had. But the point is, it took a lot of sorting straw to get here. One of my coworkers asked me how many first dates I've had... probably 30 in the past year, maybe 100 overall. I do know that I have nearly 200 phone numbers saved (grouped under black book). I think that most the complaints you see on LS are due to unrealistic expectations. People think they should be able to just sign up and take their pick of all the available singles. You have to meet to assess potential. The main differences are a) online you can become aware of large numbers of singles, and b) you automatically know they're interested in dating due to context; you don't have to turn that corner like you would with real life acquaintances. Beyond the usual advice about profile pics and writing, etc., I think the key to success is patience and persistence. 2
Author soph-walker Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 Well, his feedback was that whilst he thought I was 'beautiful, lovely personality and genuinely enjoyable company', the 'animal magnetism' just wasn't there for him and not wanting to get naked with someone after 1/2 dates isn't worth anything further in his opinion. And that he was looking for that intense 'can't keep your hands off each other kind of passion'. Nice he was honest and I'm glad he was! It does serve as a reminder that despite one of you thinking you have chemistry, you can be barking up the wrong tree! 1
smudge21 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Well, his feedback was that whilst he thought I was 'beautiful, lovely personality and genuinely enjoyable company', the 'animal magnetism' just wasn't there for him and not wanting to get naked with someone after 1/2 dates isn't worth anything further in his opinion. And that he was looking for that intense 'can't keep your hands off each other kind of passion'. Nice he was honest and I'm glad he was! It does serve as a reminder that despite one of you thinking you have chemistry, you can be barking up the wrong tree! Sounds like he wants just sex and not anything serious or romantic. There'll be someone for him, just like there'll be someone for you. At least he didn't keep you going and was honest, so now you can totally move on and find Mr Right as opposed to Mr Only-Right-Now-After-1-Date. It's weird is that chemistry thing as it so often can seem so perfect but a day later it isn't. My "friend" was just that and I firmly believed we were soul mates, but she just doesn't feel the same. You can't make someone love you and you should never try. Onwards into the dating world I say...
carhill Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 This is a question for the guys, but also may apply to ladies too.. do you go on dates or have you used dates as an 'ego stroke'? I always dated with the intent to meet a life partner. After my exW and I split up, but before the ink was dry on the D, I dated a couple ladies, decided I was no longer interested in having a life partner, so stopped and haven't been back to it since, now going on six years. If you knew you weren't really interested after meeting on a first date, why then would you contact again and meet up on a second date? If I 'knew', there wouldn't be a second date. Generally, IME, all interactions ended when myself or the other party wanted them to end. Perfect? Nope! We all make choices and we're all imperfect. Am starting to get the impression that the OLD culture is all about ego massage and always holding off for something better that might be around the corner. It could be. I used it to meet ostensibly single ladies to get to know them, starting in, heh, 1996 on American Singles. Before that it was telephone classifieds in the newspaper. Anything to meet single ladies because, well, there weren't many around. I found it to work quite well and ended up marrying one. While we weren't 'forever', our meeting on OLD had nothing to do with why things worked out the way they did.
TheArtist Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 See? Well worth the message there! Just don't change yourself, that's the important thing. Unless you pick your nose during dinner. Probably cut that down a bit. When you sum it all up, chemistry is the only thing that really matters. 1
Toodaloo Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 do you go on dates or have you used dates as an 'ego stroke'? No - I go on dates to meet and get to know people. If you knew you weren't really interested after meeting on a first date, why then would you contact again and meet up on a second date? I wouldn't and don't Am starting to get the impression that the OLD culture is all about ego massage and always holding off for something better that might be around the corner. For some I am sure it is. If I get that feeling about a person I move to the next. Because that is not what I am looking for. See bolded. With OLD you will meet the weird, wonderful, sane and quite frankly just so wrong not even their mother loves them! You have to learn how to weed the ones you don't want out so you don't have problems like this. 1
Toodaloo Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Just don't change yourself, that's the important thing. Unless you pick your nose during dinner. Probably cut that down a bit Of course if you don't like him, up the anti and scratch you bum then sniff your fingers after preferably as soon as you decide that you don't like him. I have found that to be a highly effective way to get rid of some... 1
Author soph-walker Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 See bolded. With OLD you will meet the weird, wonderful, sane and quite frankly just so wrong not even their mother loves them! You have to learn how to weed the ones you don't want out so you don't have problems like this. Yes to the first statement, I have been lucky to meet some lovely guys, just not all have appealed to me, nor me to them. With the second statement, I fear I am running out of fish in my 'sea' haha which definitely reassures me it's time to give OLD a breather. Everyone's posts have all been really insightful and not at all judgemental, thanks for that! 1
TheArtist Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Of course if you don't like him, up the anti and scratch you bum then sniff your fingers after preferably as soon as you decide that you don't like him. I have found that to be a highly effective way to get rid of some... Dunno, there's a lot of weird people on the internet...
truth_seeker Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 This is a question for the guys, but also may apply to ladies too.. do you go on dates or have you used dates as an 'ego stroke'? If you knew you weren't really interested after meeting on a first date, why then would you contact again and meet up on a second date? Am starting to get the impression that the OLD culture is all about ego massage and always holding off for something better that might be around the corner. To go out and meet someone face-to-face? No. To match on Tinder, yes. If I do meet someone it's because I haven't been out in awhile, need to shake off the rust or I am genuinely interested in the person.
SwordofFlame Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I will admit that as a guy, I can tell whether a woman is girlfriend material after the first date. However, if they're not girlfriend material and I find them attractive enough to want to hook up, then I'll proceed to ask them for a second date.
Wewon Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 This is a question for the guys, but also may apply to ladies too.. do you go on dates or have you used dates as an 'ego stroke'? If you knew you weren't really interested after meeting on a first date, why then would you contact again and meet up on a second date? Am starting to get the impression that the OLD culture is all about ego massage and always holding off for something better that might be around the corner. Yes, but not for long as it can get expensive from a guy's perspective. I've never done OLD, but when I did this it was usually a quasi-rebound thing right after a break up. They were usually fairly light relationships that never made it past the "Hey, do you like bowling?" stage (and were never intended to.
thecrucible Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 This is a question for the guys, but also may apply to ladies too.. do you go on dates or have you used dates as an 'ego stroke'? No I don't personally (I'm female btw). When I was first starting out, I'd be less discerning purely out of curiosity. But I've learned that less is more and I try not to go on too many dates, although it is a numbers thing. When you go on a date it's an investment both emotionally and financially as well as giving up an evening. I would only give up my time of an evening or a day on a weekend if it seemed worth it. 1
Recommended Posts