Oops--am I being paranoid or did I just expose my now ended A?

[kkat]

Most of you know my story but for those who don't - quick summary:

 

1. Met MM 13 years ago. He left his wife and we lived together for approx 3 yrs during which time we were very public, his kids spent weekends with us, wife knew all about me, etc. We spoke/planned to be married.

2. His wife frequently threatened to injure herself, and refused to care for the children and never stopped begging him to come home. (I'm not judging this AT ALL by the way- just giving background.) He began to drag his feet on the divorce and became depressed and overwhelmed with guilt.

3. We fought constantly because of above. I moved out, we continued to date, then ultimately he went back to his wife, broke my heart like I have never imagined possible. He is still married to her.

4. I refused to see him, despite his efforts, for seven years. Two years ago he navigated himself back into my life and told me he wanted to divorce her and marry me. I fell for it and became involved in a deep A with him, and stayed involved until a few months ago. I ended the sexual and dating parts of the relationship in September but have had a hard time establishing or maintaining NC. I talk to him frequently.

 

 

So...tonight I was returning his phone call. I misdialed his mobile number by one digit. A woman answered and I just hung up. (Rude I know). Then a lightbulb went off in my head, thinking the voice sounded vaguely familiar...I looked at the number I had dialed...and realized that it was his wife's mobile number I had mistakenly dialed! (Long story how I know her mobile number is one digit off from his but I am positive and he DOES NOT know I know this....).

 

An hour and a half later...she called my phone from her mobile. I saw the number on caller id and not wanting it to go to my voicemail, with my name on the message, I answered "hello". She said "hello?" and I repeated "hello" then she asked "is Jen there" (I have no idea who Jen is or even if there is a Jen). I said "You have the wrong number" and she said "thanks" or "OK" and hung up.

 

So...she obviously saw my number (home number) on her mobile and redialed it. My number is published - although she's not computer saavy herself her friends or kids certainly could easily do a reverse lookup...and this is the same number I had back in the day when I was still involved publicly with her H.

 

I don't want her to find out, certainly not due to my misstep. It's ironic because I used to fantasize about wanting her to know because I hated being a secret ...but I am trying to move on and I know it's bad news for everybody for her to find out he's in touch with me....

 

My smart friends on LS - what do you think? Am I busted? Should I do anything?

 

He will most likely call me within the next half hour to hour - he typically does on his way home from work...do I say anything??

[Marshbear]

I would like to know why you continue to talk with him when you broke it off?

Is it to mess with him and see that he still wants you?

You know you cannot be friends now so you need to quit taking his calls and let him concentrate on his marriage. You probably still love him but you broke it off and you need to respect yourself enough to end it. He is probably still thinking that sooner or later you will give in and get back with him. If you continue to talk to him you probably will. Do you want to end it or not? The choice is yours so belly up to the bar and make your decision. You know he will abide by it if you stop talking to him and end all communication.

 

Make your decision!!

[SexKitten]

yeah...it sounds a little suspicious to me.

 

if it's ended, then end it. not a little bit, but the whooooooooole way.

 

don't pretend.

 

then you won't have anything to worry about.

[kkat]

I haven't stuck to my guns with NC. I have made progress but obviously still lacking in that area.

 

No, I don't talk to him to mess with him. And no, he is not interested in resuming our A. We enjoy our contact with each other and therefore stay in touch, although it would be better for me in the long run to disconnect fully so I can focus on finding a love of my own.

 

By the way, yes I "ended things" but not because I wanted to ...I ended it despite how in love with him I was, because I hated being the other woman and settling for scraps, and I realized he has no intention to leave his wife again.

 

My contact with him is less and less. I often go for a week or more without speaking to him and gradually more and more. I'm getting there step by step, in my own way. Regardless...

 

I am VERY CLEAR the relationship has been unhealthy for me, an addiction and both a function of and contributor to my low self-esteem. I feel horrible and it's not necessary to remind me of my stupidity - I am aware of how stupid I've been!

 

I am just scared and upset and seeking advice on how to handle the situation I am in right now with the phone call. I am concerned that I have done something via clumsy dialing that will expose our A and hurt him and his family.

[PurpleFlowers]

Hmmm.... Well you know all the stuff about needing to end it etc... and what you really deserve etc... so I am not going to bother with telling you all that!!

 

As for this particular incident with the phone. Definilty tell MM what happened - so he can be prepared. If she confronts you - You can always just tell her that you wanted to call and apologise....

 

I dont know... its more lies and sneaking around... it is all so exhausting.

 

Let us know what you end up doing.

[whichwayisup]

You're still addicted to him and the feelings he gives you that is why you talk to him weekly, bit by bit slowly detaching yourself. The thing is what you're doing is worse - Just end it with one big clean cut - Then really do No Contact. The more you prolong this, the less chance you really have of completely getting over him. He is NOT worth this energy at all.

 

Don't even THINK of wtf that call did. Who cares...Move on and try to forget him...Keeping him in your life is just causing you heartache and extra stress you don't need.

[MiChick43]

Is there a possibility that your phone call, misdialing, was more intentional then you think? I have done some things unconsciously that otherwise I would not have.

Hugs, Michick

[kkat]

No, not intentional. I was just dripping from my shower, no contact lenses in, dog nipping at me, dialing the phone with one hand and hit the number right next to the proper number. Not intentional misdialing. Just a sloppy misfire.

 

Funny though that I now, after the fact and after two days, since it appears she didn't recognize my number or voice, there's a teeny part of me that almost wishes it had opened up the ole can of worms.

 

I'll tell you one thing, going through the humiliation of posting this - advertising how much I am back into contact with him, wishing again I was with him while at the same time thinking I'd rather be run over than to be with this wreck of a man - just made me realize how very very very pathetic and messed up I am.

 

I have had a very hard weekend and feel quite depressed and low. I need to fous, focus, focus on going back to NC and trying again to pick myself up. My contact with him is leading my addiction and obsession to get worse and worse - I feel angry towards him in a rageful way - I want him to be hurt, I want her to be hurt, and I am not that kind of person, but I am feeling that way now. I feel depressed again, in the dumps, very low, very low. I need to hokey pokey and turn myself around, and fast!

[newbby]

kkat,

i tried to reply to you before.

i was just saying something along the lines of that in my situation i felt worse about the fact that i had allowed him to use me for sex and therefore disrespect me. for this reason my closure was being able to turn that around so i recontacted him so that he would ask me again and i could say no. this is all that i needed to happen to feel that i had evened things up. i knew this. i would still have reached the place i am now in but it would have taken longer.

i am just wondering because you say that your biggest pain was being a secret and i was almost thinking the same as michick with that one, but accident or not i think you need to seriously ask yourself what you can gain from this contact, what do you need for closure and can you get it from mm?? if it is something that you cannot get from him or that you cannot get without causing upset and chaos then it is probably better for you to not contact him and try to resolve this outside of your friendship with him otherwise the contact will only frustrate you.

p.s, i think you are a very intelligent and warm personn and it is a shame you are wasting yourself on this man.

[kkat]

Thanks newbby,

I really appreciate the nice comments. Sometimes I think we don't realize how much we can really help build each other up in a positive way here, help each other move towards a better place. I am really appreciative.

Can you expand a bit more on your thoughts? Are you saying you think I should expose the secret or that I should not - or do you have an opinion on that?

Thanks again for the compliment. I really needed it tonight!

XOXO

Kkat

[newbby]

well i think the problem you have with being a secret is because HE wanted to keep you a secret. if YOU were to expose it, it would likely cause him to resist this. therefore exposing it doesnt change the fundamental problem only consolidates or even magnifies it. if he doesnt give you what you need willingly and it becomes a battle against him then that will only frustrate you more and hurt you more.

this is why i was asking what you were hoping to gain from your ongoing contact with him, whether you believed that some sort of closure could be obtained from this?

for me, because my BIGGEST issue was that i allowed him to disrespect me and that was also the thing that was easy to rebalance i was quite lucky. it was easy to lead him to believe that he may have another opportunity to sleep with me, and it was harder to say no, but it was still fairly easy.

there ARE other issues that i have/had that i cant resolve through him, for instance although i was able to show him that i respect myself more than that, i couldnt MAKE him think of me as anything other than a sex object. although because of our lifestyles it is blatant to everyone else that i am a much stronger person than he is, he cannot see that and has no respect for me for it. in fact he actually puts me down over what i do telling me i should be doing better!!

i had a few external incidents that caused me upset that he wasnt there for me over, well not only that, had not the slightest bit of compassion for me over. i cant ever change these things because i cannot MAKE him have compassion for me or respect for me or see me as anything other than a vehicle for his fun.

the only thing that i COULD change was my reaction to him, which is what i did, instead of him initiating sex and me desperately thinking he may fall in love with me again (because i am pretty sure he did at first) if i slept with him, i changed it so that i rejected him sexually.

this for me has completely given me my power back because after all, when we think we are angry at the mm we are usually angry with ourselves too for letting them treat us this way. i no longer feel angry at myself so i no longer feel that he has the power to make me angry at myself, so i no longer feel he has power over me and i no longer feel desperate to change him or the way he feels.

i dont know if this makes sense to you as it is just my opinion and the way i feel about things.

my question to you is: what is it that makes you angry at yourself or knocks your self esteem? because if it is that you let him keep you a secret then whilst you are having this friendship with him behind closed doors then you are still letting him keep you a secret. i dont think that you should expose the affair because i think it would be counter productive for the reasons i mentioned before, however i also dont think you should allow him to be your friend behind closed doors because it is the thing that makes you feel bad.

getting power back should be subtle and gentle but strong. dont act rashly or in anger or fear.

i think it would make you feel that you got your control back in this if you were to end this friendship nicely but firmly. but i dont really know you other than you writing in here and my opinions and advice are based on this only. i'm sure that you know what is best for you once you get in touch with that.