lovelybelle Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I got married June 2015, after knowing my partner for just 6 months. I am 24 and he is 27. My husband started working in a new job the same week that we got married. About two weeks into his job in July I noticed he was acting different. Coming home extra late which he claimed was because he was going out with his male coworkers. His phone would ring @ 3, or 5 in the morning which I found odd. One night he was asleep and his phone kept sounding. I went to silence it and when the screen lit up I saw that he received a few messages on WhatsApp messenger from someone name Kandy with heart emojis. The messages were “did you fall asleep =/” “okay goodnight tty tmmr” I decided to unlock his phone and read the full conversation. But of course when I opened it those were the only messages. I assumed that he must have deleted the conversation before he got home and she replied late. I did a few digging on his phone on text messages and on the rest of WhatsApp and on Facebook messenger and I found a few disturbing messages and nude photos but those were conversations that happened before me and him were together. But I did find rather odd that he would want to keep that on his phone after he got married. Back to that night, after snooping for about 20 mins. If you own an iPhone you know that you double click the home button when you want to close, open apps, so I start closing all of the apps that I had opened and then I get to Safari, and I see that it is on the google translate home page. Me and my husband are Dominican but I was born and raised in NY he’s been here for a few years and speaks mild English. So what was translated to English was “when will I get to see you again”. I think to myself who could he have want to say this to because he always talks to fam and friends in spanish. So then I decide to go back to the previous screen and there was another translation that said “I want to kiss your lips” And the more I went back the more explicit it got. I was so hurt and started crying. Other translations said “When can I KISS you again, Can I please pass by your house after work, I need to see you one more time, I need to feel your soft lips again” It just went on and on and I also checked his call log and they were talking on the phone all day long. For hours and hours. His call log just said, kandy, incoming, kandy outgoing like 50 times. At this point I was so nervous and trembling because I cannot believe what I was reading because I pretty much put 2 and 2 together because the girl that had texted him on WhatsApp that night wrote to him in English and I did find that odd because he talks to everyone in Spanish. So after I composed myself from crying and shaking I decided to wake him up and confront him about what I saw. When he woke up he was confused Then he played the victim and started yelling how dare I go in his phone and that its an invasion of privacy, people are allowed to have private things. The fighting went on all night. I broke up with him and told him sorry but I want a divorce because we been married for a month and you already cheating…Around 1pm the next day he woke me up crying and begging for forgiveness, when I tell you that his eyes were blood red and he was crying as if someone had died. And begging to please not leave him. It hurt me to see him cry like that. And he cried the whole day. The next day he went to work, when he came back, he took off his clothes and went to take a shower. He left his phone on the bed and well what do you know, his phone lights up. And it’s a message from Kandy. The message was just a smiley face. I open it but that’s all that was in the conversation. I then go back to safari and see some new translations. But these were way more explicit then the ones read previously. They read “I can’t wait to kiss you again, I just want to spend one night with you to show you how a real man is supposed to F you, I am dying to feel you cum in my mouth, when are you going to let me eat you out” I was just shocked and disgusted at everything I was reading. When he got out of the bathroom I let him have it, I threw everything possible at him, from laundry detergent to my hair gel. He was just like what is wrong with you, what are you mad at now blah blah blah….and I tell him you are still translating messages to send to that girl, and you didn’t even block her from your phone or delete her number. So then he says you have it all confused and starts laughing. Then he says I’m going to prove to you how crazy you are. I say what are you talking about….and here was his excuse….That she is a customer in his job…she apparently is best friends with one of his coworkers and she found out that her husband is cheating on her because her and her husband share a phone and he was receiving messages and phone calls from some girl. So she devised a plan to find a guy to start sending her dirty messages and start calling her phone as well so that her husband could think that shes cheating as well. I tell him out of all the guys she asks you a guy she never met before to do it for her. And he said that he agreed to do it because his coworker begged him to. Honestly does he really think that am so stupid to believe that he is helping a random girl fake an affair to get revenge on her husband…and if it was true, why did he spend the previous day crying all day like a baby and begging for forgiveness and for me not to leave him. Also why was he spending hours with this girl on the phone. He would call me throughout the days for about 2 or 3 mins but with her you are talking for hours. But you’re not cheating. Please. So when I asked him that he said that he thought I was dumpling him because of the messages and photos I saw on his facebook messenger from before we were together. That he had no idea I was talking about the google translations. And said I was stupid and to believe what I want that he’s just doing a friend a favor, and he wants nothing to do with her. The next day when he got home from work, About 5 mins after he walked into the room. He received a text. The he throws his phone on the bed to me and says look, read that. It was a text from Kandy and this is a summary of what it said, “ Please tell your wife that I am so sorry for involving you in my problems, tell her to please call me and I’ll explain everything. I never meant to break up your marriage because of my problems, please forgive me. I hope you guys do not break up” After, I immediately tell him oh yeah funny she texts you that as soon as you walk into the room, you guys must have spent all day planning that move. At this point I begin to pack all of my things and the next day while he was at work I moved back into my moms house. Over the next few days he blasted my and my mother’s phones, his mother was blasting my phone over why did I leave him that he wont stop crying and all this stuff…About a week later he texted me and asked if he could speak to me…Long story short yes I did forgive him, agree to move past that and get back together but only if he changed his number and deleted all of those apps…6 months later it is now January 2016. After we got back together things got back to norm little by little. So the other day, he went out with his friends and he got home at about 5 am he came into bed and was on his phone…my back was toward him, But when I saw the light, I turned toward him and he immediately closed his phone. I told him why you closed your phone so fast. He said what do you mean it was off. I say do you really think I’m that dumb, I saw you on WhatsApp, what are you hiding…and he says what are you talking about I wasn’t chatting with anyone, Then I say okay well open your phone and let me see, and he says oh god here we go. And I say why are you making such a big deal just open it. So he opens it and quickly clicks on facebook messenger and says look I was talking to my friend Felix, and I say wow okay I saw you on WhatsApp open WhatsApp and he shuts his phone off and says no again. So we spend about 30 mins with me trying to get him to open his phone. So he finally opens it and opens WhatsApp and behold it was a conversation with a girl, she sent him a funny video with a message…So I ask, why is she sending a married man a message at 5 in the morning. And he says, that’s an old friend of mine, I’ve known her for a long time. So he responds in my face to the message “Why are you up so early” and I’m just like you seriously going to respond to her. And he goes oh my god look I’ll make this real easy and he deleted the conversation and said he was tired and going to sleep. I’m just like um hello are you seriously not going to tell me why she is texting you at this time because you say she’s an old friend but I never heard of her. Am I wrong for wanting to know who she was and why she was texting a married man at that time. Why was he hiding his phone and not wanting to open it for me for almost 2o mins. But Somehow I always seem like the psycho and crazy one because he is the innocent victim that never does anything wrong. Am I wrong for acting the way I did given to what happened in July? I don’t want to go snooping in his phone again. After everything that happened in July I lost a lot of trust for him and its been hard to start trusting him again. Our relationship isn’t perfect but we try to make it work but idk Maybe it is time to separate. And may I add that he never changed his number or deleted any of those apps. After about a month, I got tired of asking him to do it because every time he had a different excuse. I love him but not enough to go through what we already went through a second time. I honestly just want to get outside advice and opinions on my situation and know what others would do in my place. Thank you for reading my story.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 He is a liar (a really bad liar) and a cheater. He isn't going change, he has proven that. The question is, how long are going to put up with it? 3
flowergirl14 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 1. He is gaslighting you! He's trying to spin things and make you think your crazy when you are shown evidence that he is indeed cheating. 2. He is a serial cheat! Thankfully you discovered this early on. Get out! You are NOT wrong. he was and is cheating. As for the crying bit...fake. Ive seen cheaters write a card professing their SO is the love of their life only an hour later to be texting om or ow. These people are disordered. They lack character, morals. Who knows..know he sucks. You already do! 2
Ladyjane14 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I honestly can't think of an innocent reason why a faithful, married person would have WhatsApp installed on their phone. The fact that he's refused to uninstall it or to meet ANY of the boundaries you set as a condition of reconciliation shows him to be untrustworthy still. I couldn't tell by reading your post if he ever did own up to the affair or if he still thinks you bought into that crappy story about how he was just helping out a friend. Believe me when I tell you, you would not be the first betrayed spouse whose adultery partner was willing to lie for him. But if he thinks he got away with it, there's no reason for him to stop. It sounds like your husband is a player... and he's going to keep playing until he's properly motivated from within to stop. It's a sickness really, that need for illicit attention and excitement. He has no self-control or internal boundaries in place. You can spend your whole life monitoring him, and he'll just find new and more creative ways to fool you, as if you were his mother and he was a naughty teen sneaking out. There's nothing you can do to MAKE him stay faithful. He has to be the one to do that. You've got less than a year invested. You don't want to be doing this in ten years.. or twenty.. or thirty. Hate to say it, but if it were me, I'd pull the plug and find someone more trustworthy to spend my life with. If he can't even make it ONE YEAR without cheating, hasn't done any internal or external work to improve his trustworthiness or repair the damage, it's just a matter of time anyway. Sorry. 3
TX-SC Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Sorry to say, but you got married too soon. You didn't truly know this guy. Now you are finding out about the real man you married. He's a cheat and a liar. It doesn't appear that he's very good at either (lying or cheating). You really should look into divorce. Do you really want to spend your life worrying about him cheating? 1
Lois_Griffin Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I'm sorry, but I just couldn't read that wall of text. If you come back to reply, PLEASE use paragraphs. But I will say this. If you have to use the word 'again' when referring to your husband cheating, then you've already given him one chance too many. 1
VeveCakes Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 This man will lie until blue in the face, dump him!! 1
Mrin Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Dude here. This man is lying to you, has zero respect for you or your marriage, and is cheating on you. He will not change. He will continue to cheat on you for the rest of your relationship. I've seen this sort of man - they're the worst. He doesn't even have a "reason" for cheating. You're newlyweds. You're young. No kids. He hasn't had time to "fall out of love" with you. Leave now. Immediately. Thank God you don't have kids. He's trash. 6
HereNorThere Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 It will continue and he has proven that. Get out now before you invest more time and energy into this dirt bag. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 I got married June 2015, after knowing my partner for just 6 months Divorce him. You don't know him well and he's already cheated on you. 1
66Charger Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 All men are not dogs, but some are. A dog can not control himself. A dog is a simple minded animal. A dog will sniff at any crotch. A dog will not change into a bird. A dog is a dog. Always was, always will be. Your husband is a dog. He has no respect for you, nor can he spell honor. He thinks you are stupid. 6 months married and 2 affairs that you know of. HE WONT CHANGE. The question is, Can you? Can you respect yourself? Do you feel worthy of a decent marriage? What do you wish your life to be? Happy with a loving, faithful partner, or will you continuously chase your dog down the street. I don't understand why some people can not do the next thing that i suggest. Accept it and SHUT IT DOWN. Completely. Move out tonight. Tell him a lawyer will be contacting him then, Change your phone number. Do not talk to this man again. No more crying, no more begging, no reconciliations. Delete him and forget he ever existed. He is unworthy and you are. 1
Timmos Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Most dogs I've known have been very loyal. Please don't insult dogs like this. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Yes he is and he will as often as he can get away with it. If you check out chump lady, you'll find 1000s more stories just like yours from spouses who were betrayed. I found it really helpful in coming to terms with my husband's cheating. They are so ridiculous. 1
66Charger Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 Most dogs I've known have been very loyal. Please don't insult dogs like this. Its really bad when I have to apologize to the dog. (Not you bro)
sandylee1 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) I honestly can't think of an innocent reason why a faithful, married person would have WhatsApp installed on their phone. You are way off base with this. My entire family ( parents, siblings, cousins and children) have whatsapp. It's a free app.. great for group chats and I use it with my married female friends when planning a nights out. WhatsApp isn't the issue.. your husband is. That first story was a load of nonsense. He's a first class cheater and absolutely anyone could have written that message. Would he believe such a story from you? I doubt it. The trust is gone ... this is not a marriage you want without the basic. Edited January 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merrmeade Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 god, I hate doing this - again - but I read your post and I want to create a Christmas Past, Present, and Future for you to stop this. I read it and there I am again at ages 22, 25, 27, 30 after one, three, five and eight years of marriage, being gaslighted, my misgivings and questions dismissed, my very existence and rights as a partner, defiled. But I don't know what's happening or realize that it's possible for anyone, let alone the person I've married, to lie without compunction and betray all the people who believe him to be an honorable man. Then jump forward 30 - do you read that? THIRTY! - years and there's an excuse, circumstances I've created and he does it again. Listen, you do NOT want to be that old lady. Now is the time to BE suspicious. Expect the worst. Follow your fears and get proof. Believe that he is capable of lying and thinking that he must and has the right to lie. Believe that he has a mind that could have allowed him to flirt repeatedly with women he moves with, encourage and enjoy their advances and has proceeded to sexual liaisons. Believe it and get the evidence. In my case, I had nothing to go on but would like to think that, if I'd had your clues, I would have reacted differently. This is beyond the pale, Friend. There is no explanation or expiation for: “When can I KISS you again, Can I please pass by your house after work, I need to see you one more time, I need to feel your soft lips again” You shouldn't have looked back after that. And yes, Maybe it is time to separate. 2
Ladyjane14 Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 You are way off base with this. My entire family ( parents, siblings, cousins and children) have whatsapp. It's a free app.. great for group chats and I use it with my married female friends when planning a nights out. WhatsApp isn't the issue.. your husband is. That first story was a load of nonsense. He's a first class cheater and absolutely anyone could have written that message. Would he believe such a story from you? I doubt it. The trust is gone ... this is not a marriage you want without the basic. I agree that the husband is the problem... but I'm still not buying the need for chat apps. Bottom line is accountability. Your cell phone bill will show regular texts. Apps typically don't. Maybe it's just me, but I don't like to see them used in monogamous relationships.
merrmeade Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Can you read all the messages other than WhatsApp - the regular text mesages? He probably deletes incriminating messages. Can you get somebody to show you how to download a program that will decipher deleted texts? If you're still not sure...
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