My preferences in men are making my love life difficult.

[CherryVanilla]

So this is my first thread in this board.

I am 29 years old woman, 100% single and not dating anybody right now.

I have had my last serious relationship one year ago, and dating/having short-lived relationships since then.

 

I have been thinking about why I am finding so difficult to find a boyfriend nowadays. I really want a serious relationship, but I can't find the right guy for it, and now I am thinking that perhaps it's my fault, I will give the reasons why.

 

1. I am a very fun, spontaneous person who likes sarcasm, witty sense of humor and intelligent conversations. I like people who surprise me. Thus, I tend to get along better with men who are fun, sarcastic and spontaneous as well, who are able to surprise me... Yes you got it right - I tend to be physically and sexually attracted to alpha males and [womanizers].

 

2. However, I don't want a FWB, I don't want a hookup and I don't care about casual sex. So I should look for more sensible, romantic guys who are looking for serious relationships. I want intimacy, true feelings and true love - but I don't like clingy or overly emotional people.

 

3. Most sensible and romantic guys bore me so much. I am really sorry to say that but I don't consider myself a romantic person. I hate people who are overly attached to me after a few weeks of dating either. I am scared I will eventually get too involved with a guy who is romantic, sweet and caring at first and then turns into a possessive, jealous, insecure and paranoid man. I can't stand insecurity or jealousy in a man.

 

4. I am very demanding when it comes to sex. Sex must be amazing if I really care about a guy. And, I am not ashamed to say that, I like rough sex. The best sex I had in my life were with the so-called [womanizers] I have met. Most sensible and romantic guys were really a bore in bed. I couldn't stand that either.

 

I really don't know what to do. I can't find a nice guy who is also laid-back, great in bed and who likes the same things I do. Perhaps I am not looking for a guy like this in a proper way? I have been thinking so much about it that I am almost thinking that I am perhaps emotionally unavailable. Sometimes I think I am subconsciously finding excuses to remain single, unattached.

 

Has anyone here been through such a situation?

 

Advice is definitely welcome.

Edited January 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[WomenWubber]

I don't think you're wrong in knowing what you want and being the pickiest person you can be. However, being picky and demanding definitely comes with a price.

 

At 29 years old you still have plenty of time. You just need to patient and consistent in your search. Also, maybe you will want a whole different thing when you're past your 40s.

 

Just keep looking with an open mind. You never know when life will surprise you.

[CherryVanilla]

I definitely think your standards are making things difficult for you. If a guy told you that he wanted to date a virgin girl that had the sex skills of a porn star, and was also a millionaire, what advice would you give him?

 

I would tell him he needs to be down-to-earth.

 

I know I can be too demanding. But the problem with demanding, picky people is that we can always be with someone who is not as perfect as we wish them to be, but will we be really happy? Will we be satisfied?

 

I have tried to be in relationships with men that could make many women happy but who made me feel terrible... I felt like I was deceiving them and deceiving myself.

 

I have been reading things about emotional unavailability and of them is that people who are emotional unavailable are also extremely picky... Subconsciously making it difficult to find someone because they actually don't want anyone.

 

I want to find a way to be happy with what I have around, but I can't.

[road]

I would tell him he needs to be down-to-earth.

 

I know I can be too demanding. But the problem with demanding, picky people is that we can always be with someone who is not as perfect as we wish them to be, but will we be really happy? Will we be satisfied?

 

I have tried to be in relationships with men that could make many women happy but who made me feel terrible... I felt like I was deceiving them and deceiving myself.

 

I have been reading things about emotional unavailability and of them is that people who are emotional unavailable are also extremely picky... Subconsciously making it difficult to find someone because they actually don't want anyone.

 

I want to find a way to be happy with what I have around, but I can't.

 

 

You want what you can not get. From men that are not going to give you what you want.

 

 

Go to IC to find out why you only want the bad boys.

[BluEyeL]

Since happy and unhappy is all in your head and it sounds like you want a man that might not exist, is probably safe to say that indeed you don't want anyone. Anyone real in any case, because that fantasy is a bit out there in the land where fantasies belong.

[Poutrew]

Sounds, to me, like you want the best of both worlds. You want a nice guy to raise your kids, but want the bad boy to have fun with. Sorry to sound harsh, but you sound like a future OW in the making. Eventually you will settle for a nice dependable beta type guy to pay the bills and raise the kids, whilst at the same time having an alpha to ride and play horsey with... It's a good thing you already know the web address for Loveshack, because I think you'll be posting here in the cheating and infidelity forum before too long....

[CherryVanilla]

Sounds, to me, like you want the best of both worlds. You want a nice guy to raise your kids, but want the bad boy to have fun with. Sorry to sound harsh, but you sound like a future OW in the making. Eventually you will settle for a nice dependable beta type guy to pay the bills and raise the kids, whilst at the same time having an alpha to ride and play horsey with... It's a good thing you already know the web address for Loveshack, because I think you'll be posting here in the cheating and infidelity forum before too long....

 

I would never cheat on a SO and I would never be the other woman.

 

No need to gratuitously offend me. Or prejudge me.

[CherryVanilla]

I think your biggest mistake is in trying to find a man to make you happy in the first place. This is a problem I see with many women these days. You should live your life in a way that makes you happy without a man, and then when you meet someone, things are much more likely to work out for you both.

 

I am happy. I don't need a man to be happy.

But I would like a serious relationship.

Why is that men think a woman needs a man to be happy?

 

It is not because I am unhaooy with my love life that I am unhappy with life in general.

[BettyDraper]

Either you adjust your expectations or you avoid the men who will hurt you.

 

An Alpha male can still be sensible and romantic. Alpha doesn't mean "bad boy".

[Poutrew]

I would never cheat on a SO and I would never be the other woman.

 

No need to gratuitously offend me. Or prejudge me.

 

But isn't that exactly the kind of man you want? The type that is not sensitive to your needs and emotional sensibilities? The bad boy? At least for sex. Nasty, dirty, messy, sex...and then come home to hubby. A nice beta man, who balances the checkbook, earns a decent wage to keep you happy, caresses you at night and tells you how much he loves you as you drift off into a dreamy, happy, place.

 

Wake up girl! You can't have it both ways...with the same man. So what other solution is there...? I don't mean to gratuitously offend, nor even prejudge. The simple fact you are here on this board asking these kinds of questions now means you are light years ahead of all the other lost souls out there, who don't ask these questions until after the fact. Hopefully, if you find your answers you will avoid making what I wrote in the previous post a reality. Also, if you do find an answer, be sure to post it here for all of us to read. Unfortunately being human doesn't come with an instruction manual...

[nlynnc]

I'm going thru the same thing right now and feel like I'm being too picky. But I'm also a mom. I'm totally single and have been for a year like you. With one short relationship. I'm OLD and men are interested, but just not the men im attracted to. Like you.. I don't like the overly sensitive/romantic/clingy type. If that makes sense. Sex is a huge deal to me too.

So ya, I don't know what the answer is and I have looked into the emotionally unavailable stuff you have. But I feel like it's just a waiting season and hopefully a good man is in the future for 2016

[CherryVanilla]

Tb

But isn't that exactly the kind of man you want? The type that is not sensitive to your needs and emotional sensibilities? The bad boy? At least for sex. Nasty, dirty, messy, sex...and then come home to hubby. A nice beta man, who balances the checkbook, earns a decent wage to keep you happy, caresses you at night and tells you how much he loves you as you drift off into a dreamy, happy, place.

 

Wake up girl! You can't have it both ways...with the same man. So what other solution is there...? I don't mean to gratuitously offend, nor even prejudge. The simple fact you are here on this board asking these kinds of questions now means you are light years ahead of all the other lost souls out there, who don't ask these questions until after the fact. Hopefully, if you find your answers you will avoid making what I wrote in the previous post a reality. Also, if you do find an answer, be sure to post it here for all of us to read. Unfortunately being human doesn't come with an instruction manual...

 

I think you just gave the most simplistic answer of all times.

If I wanted two men I would have that already. I don't want that. I want to find the love of my life. However, I need to be emotionally and sexually satisfied. And my sexual demands are many.

 

Now... I see many men in here complaining about their good girlFriends who are terrible in bed and nobody tells them to find a second girlFriend. I don't even know why you would say such a thing. It seems you don't understand much about feminine psychology.

[CherryVanilla]

I'm going thru the same thing right now and feel like I'm being too picky. But I'm also a mom. I'm totally single and have been for a year like you. With one short relationship. I'm OLD and men are interested, but just not the men im attracted to. Like you.. I don't like the overly sensitive/romantic/clingy type. If that makes sense. Sex is a huge deal to me too.

So ya, I don't know what the answer is and I have looked into the emotionally unavailable stuff you have. But I feel like it's just a waiting season and hopefully a good man is in the future for 2016

 

How have men treated you so far? Have you ever had someone who could fulfill both emotional and sexual needs?

[CarrieT]

I hope you will disregard some of the others' advice that you can't have all that you want. You can - it simply takes time and patience.

 

I was completely in your shoes but it took a LOT of years of hunting and being single before I was able to figure it out. A lot of those year before the internet existed, to be frank.

 

For me, I wanted a relationship-minded man who was *very* intelligent and cultured. My life's interests involved art exhibits, opera, symphony, travel, and lectures. Instead, I was meeting guys who preferred spending their weekends watching or engaging in sports activities and bar-hopping.

 

I also wanted a relationship that would involve rough sex and BDSM.

 

So for many years, I used the BDSM websites to get the sexual component whilst the intellectual aspect came from vanilla boyfriends.

 

I finally flipped my logic and reasoning and used the BDSM sites to find a life partner. In may seem counter-intuitive, but it completely worked. I was very emphatic in my profile that while I was a kinky and submissive woman, the relationship I was looking for needed to be based on much more than just our sexual proclivities. And - most importantly - a potential partner had to engage my brain first, my heart second, and THEN my body.

 

I had hundreds of online conversations with guys, went on over fifty "first dates," and ultimately met someone - just four years ago - whom I ended up marrying (at the ripe old age of 48, thank-you-very-much).

 

So don't believe you can't have everything. Just hold to your ideals but - perhaps - widen your sphere of where you might look for such a mate.

 

Good luck.

[CherryVanilla]

I hope you will disregard some of the others' advice that you can't have all that you want. You can - it simply takes time and patience.

 

I was completely in your shoes but it took a LOT of years of hunting and being single before I was able to figure it out. A lot of those year before the internet existed, to be frank.

 

For me, I wanted a relationship-minded man who was *very* intelligent and cultured. My life's interests involved art exhibits, opera, symphony, travel, and lectures. Instead, I was meeting guys who preferred spending their weekends watching or engaging in sports activities and bar-hopping.

 

I also wanted a relationship that would involve rough sex and BDSM.

 

So for many years, I used the BDSM websites to get the sexual component whilst the intellectual aspect came from vanilla boyfriends.

 

I finally flipped my logic and reasoning and used the BDSM sites to find a life partner. In may seem counter-intuitive, but it completely worked. I was very emphatic in my profile that while I was a kinky and submissive woman, the relationship I was looking for needed to be based on much more than just our sexual proclivities. And - most importantly - a potential partner had to engage my brain first, my heart second, and THEN my body.

 

I had hundreds of online conversations with guys, went on over fifty "first dates," and ultimately met someone - just four years ago - whom I ended up marrying (at the ripe old age of 48, thank-you-very-much).

 

So don't believe you can't have everything. Just hold to your ideals but - perhaps - widen your sphere of where you might look for such a mate.

 

Good luck.

 

Hello..

 

Thank you very much for your feedback!

I think we are really alike in what we look for in a man. I am not so much into BDSM (I like some practices but I have never been in a bdsm relationship and it is okay for me if the guy is not into bdsm either) but I like rough sex and I like people that can surprise and entertain me.

 

Honestly I have already been in Bdsm Chatrooms but I could only find creeps... I Dont know about US but here In Europe the BDSM scene is very weird... And if you're looking for someone more cultured you really have to belong to the elites.

 

But anyway, back to the topic... I am glad you could find a special person... I don't know what to do to find someone who can really Please me but at least it is good to know my standards are not that high. I have heard many people say I am looking for two different kinds of men but it is not True. I am a sex oriented woman who would like a serious relationship and I am sure there are men just like me out there.

[GunslingerRoland]

So you want a relationship yet you only pursue men who don't, and you are turned off by men who want a relationship. The question I'd ask you, is are you being at all honest with yourself about what you want? Because your actions clearly don't line up with your words. There are lots of extremely interesting people who live exciting lives who have long term relationships and lots of really boring [womanizers], so I don't buy that reason, not at all.

Edited January 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LookAtThisPOst]

For me, I wanted a relationship-minded man who was *very* intelligent and cultured. My life's interests involved art exhibits, opera, symphony, travel, and lectures

 

Unfortunately, a lot of these interests you mention aren't really a male-dominated interest. Not too many men are into art exhibits and the opera at the very most will tolerate going to one to keep you happy.

 

Just curious, do you enjoy boating (going out on a boat) water activities, outdoor BBQ's at a friends house? Pool parties? If not, then you may want to be open to those kinds of activities where interests are a bit more fun and diverse.

[Toodaloo]

How have men treated you so far? Have you ever had someone who could fulfill both emotional and sexual needs?

 

Yes and it was amazing. Let me rephrase that... A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

 

What you want is out there its just going to take time to find it and more that likely will be somewhere that you least expect it so you are going to have to keep your eyes very wide open. He may not be your usual "type", he may be sitting on the train and you are too afraid to speak to him... But he is there.

 

Your lucky. I can confirm that there are a few like this. I have dated more than one. And they are amazing people.

[jen1447]

1. I am a very fun, spontaneous person who likes sarcasm, witty sense of humor and intelligent conversations. I like people who surprise me. Thus, I tend to get along better with men who are fun, sarcastic and spontaneous as well, who are able to surprise me... Yes you got it right - I tend to be physically and sexually attracted to alpha males and [womanizers].

 

2. However, I don't want a FWB, I don't want a hookup and I don't care about casual sex. So I should look for more sensible, romantic guys who are looking for serious relationships. I want intimacy, true feelings and true love - but I don't like clingy or overly emotional people.

 

I see a couple misconceptions here (in bold). First, while aplha males and [womanizers] may be the things you describe you like, they're not the only ones who have those traits. There are actually are fun, witty, etc. guys who aren't [].

 

Second, not only clingy ppl have traits of being romantic and serious.

 

So as has already been said I think you just need to persist in looking. Someone who'll work for you is out there.

 

As far as the sex thing goes, there are very few guys who can't be trained, so if you find the romantic yet fun and witty guy you're looking for and he's not lights out in bed, just invest in some instruction w/him and it should pay off.

Edited January 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CarrieT]

Hello..

Honestly I have already been in Bdsm Chatrooms but I could only find creeps... I Dont know about US but here In Europe the BDSM scene is very weird...

I have been to both and - yes - they are ALL weird. It is all about filtering, patience, and working through the mounds of creeps for the occasional gem. Again, I had HUNDREDS of conversations. At one point, I kept a spreadsheet to remember the specifics of who I was talking to. It takes work, but can be done.

 

Unfortunately, a lot of these interests you mention aren't really a male-dominated interest. Not too many men are into art exhibits and the opera at the very most will tolerate going to one to keep you happy.

Bear in mind that I am not the OP and would disagree with you. The interests of the arts and culture is not female-dominated whatsoever. I worked for the L.A. Opera and their board of directors was almost entirely male. The art world is similarly run mostly by men.

[BettyDraper]

FYI I found a man who can be Alpha but also romantic and a great lover.

I met my husband when I least expected it. I had given up on men and I stopped looking.

 

I am glad that I was able to marry my most satisfying lover. He knows how to manhandle me in bed as well as bring out a side of me that is wild. Lots of spanking and dirty talk when we enjoy each other. It helps that my husband has a deep and sexy voice.

 

My husband can be sarcastic but he also has a silly side; he likes to dance and make up silly songs when I'm upset so that I laugh. I feel very protected and secure when I'm with him. If we're walking together and there a huge dog coming towards us with his teeth bared, my husband will instinctively pull me out of the way or put his body between the dog and me.

[Leucine]

My advice is that you shouldn't write off a guy because he's "sensible". The gems that you're looking for, who can fulfill your needs physically and emotionally, can be found amongst those, if you look hard enough.

[Beach Guy]

I have been thinking about why I am finding so difficult to find a boyfriend nowadays. I really want a serious relationship, but I can't find the right guy for it, and now I am thinking that perhaps it's my fault, I will give the reasons why.

 

1. I am a very fun, spontaneous person who likes sarcasm, witty sense of humor and intelligent conversations. I like people who surprise me. Thus, I tend to get along better with men who are fun, sarcastic and spontaneous as well, who are able to surprise me... Yes you got it right - I tend to be physically and sexually attracted to alpha males and [womanizers].

 

Doubt that womanizers are going to want an exclusive serious relationship.

[carhill]

Yep, each of us starts with an unlimited pool of available people, billions of them, and things narrow the pool from there, some geographical, some demographic, some attraction, some personal. The longer the list, the more limited the pool. Concurrently, our personal milieu is similarly prioritized by the potential billions we may encounter.

 

The good news is we're in complete control of all choices we make, and preferences are among those choices. We can change our mind at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all. Try it.

[Leigh 87]

I am 29.

 

I bad your exact same problem.

 

The nice guys who were crazy about me, had no masculine energy or I just didn't feel fireworks. Where as the men who didn't want me were charismatic and showed that they were super into me sexually but that's as far as it went.....

 

So for me, magnetic chemistry has always = non relationships. Even if the men really liked me.

 

It's so annoying to have so many nice seeming men want you, when you're just not excited when they call or text.... only for your heart to flutter as soon as that jerk who isn't that into you beckons. .......

 

I am in a relationship with my magnetic chemistry guy (read: laid back and super manly) and we also click on deep levels. It's taken me 10 years to find a guy I am euphoric and infatuated about that actually returns my feelings.

 

You're standards aren't too high. It's just hard to get it all in a man. You want amazing chemistry and lust, you usually have low compatability and OR an on off rocky style of union. ... alternatively, you and I could get a nice guy any day of the week but we just won't go through the infatuation or limerence phase ( the honeymoon phase).

 

I get it. We can accept a relationship with the nicest guy where our hearts don't skip a beat. Or face the likelihood that we'll remain alone for life. Which IS super likely if we want to have it all.......

 

If it doesn't work out with my boyfriend, I know I'll never find magnetic chemistry and passion AND someone I MUTUALLY click with, again. I'd have to settle for Mr nice guy who's smile doesn't melt my heart or make me wet LOL.