Paranoid that HE DOESN'T TRULY LOVE ME! What do you thinK?

[semz]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum & I could REALLY use some advice & opinions.

 

I'm 22, been with this guy for 2 years, and our relationship has been great. We get along well, we like a lot of the same things, he's extremely kind, giving, and just a generally good person.

 

But I've always had this fear that his love for me just isn't true or deep enough in comparison to how I feel about him. He chalked it up to the fact that his "love language" is different. I love words of affirmation; I need to be told sweet, romantic things and feel appreciated. He never has told me sweet things like "I want to marry you, you're the love of my life, I appreciate this and that about you" etc. He's very kind and good to me, makes me dinner, listens to me, is respectful and gentle to me, but he doesn't go out of his way to do nice things like buy flowers, plan things, or what is MOST important to me, express his love for me. He's not a very emotional person. He includes me in his future, yet if I talk about marriage at all, not in a way like "let's get married NOW" but in a way like "I'm so excited for the future," he just says "I just want to think about school right now. I'll be excited after that." I just don't get it. Today I read a book and the woman who wrote it said that her husband describes the first time he saw her as "instant attraction, and striking beauty" and I said to my bf, "I wish you felt that way about me..." he replies, "did you have any similar feeling? stop comparing me" I just don't feel the passion And it's sad because I know men who I know would be ABSOLUTELY AMAZED to be with me but I want to feel that way with him.. I kinda feel taken for granted sometimes.

 

Maybe it's because my ex was an extremely romantic guy. I was used to always being told that we would get married, that he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, et etc. What's the norm with guys??

 

Another thing that bothers me is that I feel like I'm not always top priority. I constantly miss him and want to see him as much as possible but he's not like that. Example:

-The other day I said "I miss you" and then asked if he ever misses me (doubt) and he said "Yes i do but we just saw each other yesterday so I'm ok now." ??

-I always ask to come over, and he usually says sure, but I think if I didn't ask, he might not.

 

Then again the majority of days I'm happy & we have a fun time. But whenever something pops up in my mind that makes me doubt him, it gets under my skin and eats me alive... From what you read, what do you think? Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Do you think I'm just fit for a different type of guy or that I should stick it out? It would hurt me so much to leave him because I love him so much, but I just wish I felt that same love back. Any advice is so appreciated <3

[CollegeKid101]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum & I could REALLY use some advice & opinions.

 

I'm 22, been with this guy for 2 years, and our relationship has been great. We get along well, we like a lot of the same things, he's extremely kind, giving, and just a generally good person.

 

But I've always had this fear that his love for me just isn't true or deep enough in comparison to how I feel about him. He chalked it up to the fact that his "love language" is different. I love words of affirmation; I need to be told sweet, romantic things and feel appreciated. He never has told me sweet things like "I want to marry you, you're the love of my life, I appreciate this and that about you" etc. He's very kind and good to me, makes me dinner, listens to me, is respectful and gentle to me, but he doesn't go out of his way to do nice things like buy flowers, plan things, or what is MOST important to me, express his love for me. He's not a very emotional person. He includes me in his future, yet if I talk about marriage at all, not in a way like "let's get married NOW" but in a way like "I'm so excited for the future," he just says "I just want to think about school right now. I'll be excited after that." I just don't get it. Today I read a book and the woman who wrote it said that her husband describes the first time he saw her as "instant attraction, and striking beauty" and I said to my bf, "I wish you felt that way about me..." he replies, "did you have any similar feeling? stop comparing me" I just don't feel the passion And it's sad because I know men who I know would be ABSOLUTELY AMAZED to be with me but I want to feel that way with him.. I kinda feel taken for granted sometimes.

 

Maybe it's because my ex was an extremely romantic guy. I was used to always being told that we would get married, that he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, et etc. What's the norm with guys??

 

Another thing that bothers me is that I feel like I'm not always top priority. I constantly miss him and want to see him as much as possible but he's not like that. Example:

-The other day I said "I miss you" and then asked if he ever misses me (doubt) and he said "Yes i do but we just saw each other yesterday so I'm ok now." ??

-I always ask to come over, and he usually says sure, but I think if I didn't ask, he might not.

 

Then again the majority of days I'm happy & we have a fun time. But whenever something pops up in my mind that makes me doubt him, it gets under my skin and eats me alive... From what you read, what do you think? Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Do you think I'm just fit for a different type of guy or that I should stick it out? It would hurt me so much to leave him because I love him so much, but I just wish I felt that same love back. Any advice is so appreciated <3

 

You sound a lot like my ex-girlfriend, at the end of our relationship...

 

She was constantly looking for confirmation of my love and it got to the point where I did not want to say anything to her because I feel like I was forcing it just to please her. I would take a step back for a second and act the same to him and not say things like "I miss you". Looking for confirmation also reveals insecurities and it's really an unattractive quality, at least for myself.

 

He also may be checked out of the relationship because in my experiences, 2 LTRs, I did not say these things when I didn't feel them. Primarily in my last relationship.

 

I'm not saying he's checked out, but it's a possibility. Has he always been pretty unemotional? I am more romantic I would say, so it may just be two different personalities and everything I mentioned above is irrelevant to your situation.

[semz]

You sound a lot like my ex-girlfriend, at the end of our relationship...

 

She was constantly looking for confirmation of my love and it got to the point where I did not want to say anything to her because I feel like I was forcing it just to please her. I would take a step back for a second and act the same to him and not say things like "I miss you". Looking for confirmation also reveals insecurities and it's really an unattractive quality, at least for myself.

 

He also may be checked out of the relationship because in my experiences, 2 LTRs, I did not say these things when I didn't feel them. Primarily in my last relationship.

 

I'm not saying he's checked out, but it's a possibility. Has he always been pretty unemotional? I am more romantic I would say, so it may just be two different personalities and everything I mentioned above is irrelevant to your situation.

 

He's always been unemotional. And I knew that typically it isn't my type but we get along.. I know I appear insecure and I don't want to, which makes me feel bad EVERY TIME I say something to him about this. It's confusing

[d0nnivain]

I think your definition of romantic love is unrealistic & fed to you by the media.

 

Any 22 year old guy is going to back off a woman who says she misses him when she saw him yesterday. You are coming across as clingy & insecure. Stop. It's find to say you miss him when you have not seen him in a week but less than 24 hours, get a grip.

 

Train yourself to realize that every time he makes you dinner, listens to you or is gentle with you, that is him saying that he loves you. Yes, it would be nice if he could learn more of your love language & be more verbal but you have an equal obligation to speak his language.

 

It will help if you can give him specifics. Point blank say that you would be thrilled to receive a cheap bouquet of flowers every once in a while for no reason. If you get what you have asked for praise the behavior intensely so it's repeated. Also blow his mind in thanks . . . if you get my drift.

 

My husband is more like your BF but I too need verbalization. When I would fish for compliments, if I got one it would be a one syllable answer like you look fine, good or nice. It drove me crazy because he is otherwise an articulate guy. As a joke I bought him a Thesaurus with those words highlighted & tabbed. Over the years he has become better at my language but I have learned to appreciate that his stalwart nature & steadfastness is him telling me how much he cares.

[CollegeKid101]

He's always been unemotional. And I knew that typically it isn't my type but we get along.. I know I appear insecure and I don't want to, which makes me feel bad EVERY TIME I say something to him about this. It's confusing

 

This may just be his personality then! Opposites attract

 

If you get along and you are a priority in his life, I would just continue going with the flow if you are happy! Everybody is a bit different.

 

Also remember, there are thousand of others way to say "I love you", such as the way he cooks dinner for you, it's the little things sometimes.

[semz]

I think your definition of romantic love is unrealistic & fed to you by the media.

 

Any 22 year old guy is going to back off a woman who says she misses him when she saw him yesterday. You are coming across as clingy & insecure. Stop. It's find to say you miss him when you have not seen him in a week but less than 24 hours, get a grip.

 

Train yourself to realize that every time he makes you dinner, listens to you or is gentle with you, that is him saying that he loves you. Yes, it would be nice if he could learn more of your love language & be more verbal but you have an equal obligation to speak his language.

 

It will help if you can give him specifics. Point blank say that you would be thrilled to receive a cheap bouquet of flowers every once in a while for no reason. If you get what you have asked for praise the behavior intensely so it's repeated. Also blow his mind in thanks . . . if you get my drift.

 

My husband is more like your BF but I too need verbalization. When I would fish for compliments, if I got one it would be a one syllable answer like you look fine, good or nice. It drove me crazy because he is otherwise an articulate guy. As a joke I bought him a Thesaurus with those words highlighted & tabbed. Over the years he has become better at my language but I have learned to appreciate that his stalwart nature & steadfastness is him telling me how much he cares.

 

Haha the thesaurus thing is funny! Thanks for the good advice. I guess I've just never been used to his "type" and I figured some men are like him but I just wonder so much how men show their love?? He said he's trying, and just gets annoyed when I get upset. And lol asked him for flowers for the past 2 years and it just DOESNT WORK haha..

[pteromom]

I need to be told sweet, romantic things and feel appreciated. He never has told me sweet things like "I want to marry you, you're the love of my life, I appreciate this and that about you" etc. He's very kind and good to me, makes me dinner, listens to me, is respectful and gentle to me, but he doesn't go out of his way to do nice things like buy flowers, plan things, or what is MOST important to me, express his love for me.

 

A 22 year old guy is not usually thinking about MARRIAGE. Nothing about that has to do with how he feels about you - it's just not on his radar!

 

As far as him expressing love verbally, you chose a guy who is not verbally expressive. So that's what you have. He's not going to magically turn into a poet.

 

It is up to you to decide whether the ways he DOES express his love are enough for you or not. You are only 22 - you have plenty of time to find a man who is more romantic and expressive.

 

He's not a very emotional person. He includes me in his future, yet if I talk about marriage at all, not in a way like "let's get married NOW" but in a way like "I'm so excited for the future," he just says "I just want to think about school right now. I'll be excited after that." I just don't get it.

 

I do. Again - a 22 year old guy is NOT thinking about marriage. Men don't dream about their wedding days and dream about marriage like women are prone to do.

 

Today I read a book and the woman who wrote it said that her husband describes the first time he saw her as "instant attraction, and striking beauty" and I said to my bf, "I wish you felt that way about me..." he replies, "did you have any similar feeling? stop comparing me"

 

I agree with him! You are comparing him to a BOOK? What if he did that to you? Saw some girl acting sexy crazy in a movie, and said he wished you were that way, and then got sad that you weren't. That's not fair to him. He is who he is.

 

I just don't feel the passion And it's sad because I know men who I know would be ABSOLUTELY AMAZED to be with me but I want to feel that way with him.. I kinda feel taken for granted sometimes.

 

He has a gentler quieter passion. He has a mind that is more practical than romantic. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

 

PART of the problem here seems to be your own insecurity. That if you aren't receiving this affirmation that you are loved, you must be unlovable.

 

And part of the problem IS love languages. The question is whether you can learn to appreciate the ways he shows you love - or not. If you can't, you have to move on. But if you can, you could learn to be happy with who he is - not what you wish he could be.

 

Maybe it's because my ex was an extremely romantic guy. I was used to always being told that we would get married, that he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, et etc.

 

Key word here is EX.

 

So his flowery words were empty and meant nothing. It doesn't mean much to be told you will be married when it never happens.

 

Another thing that bothers me is that I feel like I'm not always top priority. I constantly miss him and want to see him as much as possible but he's not like that. Example:

-The other day I said "I miss you" and then asked if he ever misses me (doubt) and he said "Yes i do but we just saw each other yesterday so I'm ok now." ??

 

I am with him. Why would I miss someone I just saw? Again - he is more practical than romantic.

 

You let your DOUBT ask a silly question, then let your DOUBT over-analyze his response to = "he must not love me enough."

 

Then again the majority of days I'm happy & we have a fun time. But whenever something pops up in my mind that makes me doubt him, it gets under my skin and eats me alive...

 

Don't do that! Don't let it get under your skin!

 

If he does or says something that hurts you - communicate! Learn more about what he meant and what he feels. Assume he has good intentions and is coming from a place of honesty.

 

From what you read, what do you think? Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Do you think I'm just fit for a different type of guy or that I should stick it out? It would hurt me so much to leave him because I love him so much, but I just wish I felt that same love back. Any advice is so appreciated <3

 

I do believe you are overreacting.

 

BUT - you also have a right to decide what is or isn't important to you in a relationship.

 

If more romance, more expression, and more neediness is important to you, you have a right to seek it out.

 

But I don't see anything about him that would cause me to advise you to run. Seems like a good boyfriend.

[ExpatInItaly]

You sound a lot like my ex-girlfriend, at the end of our relationship...

 

She was constantly looking for confirmation of my love and it got to the point where I did not want to say anything to her because I feel like I was forcing it just to please her. I would take a step back for a second and act the same to him and not say things like "I miss you". Looking for confirmation also reveals insecurities and it's really an unattractive quality, at least for myself.

 

He also may be checked out of the relationship because in my experiences, 2 LTRs, I did not say these things when I didn't feel them. Primarily in my last relationship.

 

I'm not saying he's checked out, but it's a possibility. Has he always been pretty unemotional? I am more romantic I would say, so it may just be two different personalities and everything I mentioned above is irrelevant to your situation.

 

This is a good point.

 

OP, I'm a woman too but I'm wondering if it's possible he feels a bit smothered. How much time to do you spend together? You said you don't always feel like his top priority, but what makes you think you should be all the time? He has other aspects of his life that are important too - school, friends, etc. Stop always asking to go over. Get busy with your own hobbies and friends too and give him a chance to actually miss you.

 

It sound to me like you have an idea in your head of what a "perfect" boyfriend should be, and you're comparing him to that. You have high expectations if you think every guy is going to be telling you he wants to get married, etc. Your boyfriend sounds a bit more realistic. Your ex telling you he couldn't wait to get married...well, what didn't work out, did it? I've had various men over the years tell me they want to get married - and today at 34, I'm not married. You get my drift? Don't place so much value on that phrase.

 

You speak differnet love languages, but there are ways to reconcile that. You cannot, however, push him to affirm and validate you. I sense he's feeling obligated to make you happy and it's not coming from a genuine place. Give him a bit of breathing room and make sure he knows you do appreciate the other ways he shows his love.

 

It might be that you're not ultimately compatible. Your needs are important too, but I suspect you'll have more success if you dial it down a bit and stop making him feel inadequate by comparing him to others. He's actually told you to stop; please listen to him. That will drive a man away in the end.

[pteromom]

And lol asked him for flowers for the past 2 years and it just DOESNT WORK haha..

 

You know what I do? I go buy MYSELF flowers with my husband's credit card.

 

Then I hug him and tell him "thank you for the flowers!"

 

Sometimes you just make it work for you.

[d0nnivain]

So have a conversation about flowers with him. Don't compare him. Just assure him that you are trying to see his perspective that he's not the poet but could he please see yours. Say to him that he might like the results if you got "surprise" flowers.

 

Over the years I have worked things I wanted into my husband's world. It took patience. The one I mention often on here is I hated how he signed cards. He'd get me these romantic fancy cards filled with these pretty words but he'd just sign his name. No Dear Donnivain. No date. Not even Love, his name. Just his name. It's a stupid thing but it made me nuts. I mentioned it to his mom who shrugged & said you can't change me. Over time I made him realize that it was such a small thing to him but it made me so happy that there was no reason for him not to do it, other then to be stubborn. (yes, me practically demanding it was stubborn too but this issue was never really going to end our relationship.) The first card he signed "my way" was the one he gave me on our wedding day. I was so thrilled & he was so happily overwhelmed by my reaction, he has signed every card since "correctly" and I continue to thank him for that small gesture.

 

 

Stay off the marriage topic for a while. Let him finish school. Men, especially men like him, need a plan & that includes a solid financial foundation. You can't push this or you will break the relationship.

[pteromom]

This is a good point.

 

OP, I'm a woman too but I'm wondering if it's possible he feels a bit smothered. How much time to do you spend together? You said you don't always feel like his top priority, but what makes you think you should be all the time? He has other aspects of his life that are important too - school, friends, etc. Stop always asking to go over. Get busy with your own hobbies and friends too and give him a chance to actually miss you.

 

Good point!

 

I would never want a romantic relationship to be the ONLY thing in my life.

 

You can go find a man who wants to be crazy entwined with you, spend every moment with you talking about love and marriage and how much he needs you.

 

But when your whole lives become only about each other, and you rely on each other for happiness, then you are giving this other person complete control over your happiness. If you argue or if they are sick or otherwise unable to feed you the love you need, you feel alone and unfulfilled.

 

Whereas if you have a career and school and friends and hobbies, you are able to deal with bumps in the road much better.

[semz]

Thank you guys for all the responses. I had to post this and be honest and if I'm at fault then that's okay I want to know. I don't mean to sound like an idiot. It's just, I'm surrounded by literally EVERYONE getting married and posting on Facebook and all this excitement...and my friends are like 24/7 with their s.o.'s so maybe it makes a bit more sense now. Some of my friends have even told me they would be upset if they were me.

 

Btw, maybe I should have clarified, he's 26, I'm 22 but not a big difference

[pteromom]

Thank you guys for all the responses. I had to post this and be honest and if I'm at fault then that's okay I want to know. I don't mean to sound like an idiot. It's just, I'm surrounded by literally EVERYONE getting married and posting on Facebook and all this excitement...and my friends are like 24/7 with their s.o.'s so maybe it makes a bit more sense now. Some of my friends have even told me they would be upset if they were me.

 

Btw, maybe I should have clarified, he's 26, I'm 22 but not a big difference

 

You don't sound like an idiot.

 

You sound YOUNG.

 

We have all been there.

 

It doesn't matter what your friends do or what your friends think. Maybe they are getting married, but that doesn't mean it will last. You have to make YOUR life the way you want - not based on what your friends are doing.

[pteromom]

Some of my friends have even told me they would be upset if they were me.

 

And what I said goes for us too. It doesn't matter what LoveShack thinks.

 

We only know what you have shared.

 

YOU know what your daily life is like with him, and whether you are capable of being happy with him.

 

Take all advice in (from us and from your friends), swish it around in your head, consider whether it feels TRUE, and if it does, act accordingly.

[preraph]

A couple of things that I hope will be a gentle reality check.

 

First of all, not everyone IS capable of the same depth of love.

Second, not everyone expresses it in the same way. Actions do speak louder than words and you did say he was kind.

Not everyone feels they have to buy your love with candy and flowers or validate you by constantly telling you how pretty you are. A secure person does not need that very often.

 

Next, you are too young and so is he to be pressuring him to marry! He is trying to lay a foundation that can sustain a future family by getting his education. It is not TIME to marry. He is not ready and you are not ready because you need too much reassurance all the time. You're needy to a degree.

 

And finally, do you know that the part of your brain that can predict consequences of your actions is not even fully developed for at least 2-4 more years? You have no idea what you will be getting into if he did decide to marry you up and get you pregnant right now! It would be a huge mistake. Plus neither of you are old enough to even be on your own long enough to develop your true selves and know who you really are. Right now, you are young and still the person your parents made you. It takes some years living by yourself on your own or with a nonromantic roommate to even find out who you really are without the constant influence of those around you telling you who you should be.

 

Take a breath. You and he may or may not last because right now you're both dating an uncompleted personality. You're at the age when you can outgrow each other or your old friends.

 

All you should be concerned with right now is that he continues to treat you kindly -- and that doesn't mean flatter you to soothe your insecurity. If in time he stops treating you kindly or doesn't seem to have as much substance, then you will move on to someone else better suited. Until then, just enjoy your youth and freedom. And do not set your friends aside for this man. Keep your friends and keep making more. You will need them someday. Good luck.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum & I could REALLY use some advice & opinions.

 

I'm 22, been with this guy for 2 years, and our relationship has been great. We get along well, we like a lot of the same things, he's extremely kind, giving, and just a generally good person.

 

But I've always had this fear that his love for me just isn't true or deep enough in comparison to how I feel about him. He chalked it up to the fact that his "love language" is different. I love words of affirmation; I need to be told sweet, romantic things and feel appreciated. He never has told me sweet things like "I want to marry you, you're the love of my life, I appreciate this and that about you" etc. He's very kind and good to me, makes me dinner, listens to me, is respectful and gentle to me, but he doesn't go out of his way to do nice things like buy flowers, plan things, or what is MOST important to me, express his love for me. He's not a very emotional person. He includes me in his future, yet if I talk about marriage at all, not in a way like "let's get married NOW" but in a way like "I'm so excited for the future," he just says "I just want to think about school right now. I'll be excited after that." I just don't get it. Today I read a book and the woman who wrote it said that her husband describes the first time he saw her as "instant attraction, and striking beauty" and I said to my bf, "I wish you felt that way about me..." he replies, "did you have any similar feeling? stop comparing me" I just don't feel the passion And it's sad because I know men who I know would be ABSOLUTELY AMAZED to be with me but I want to feel that way with him.. I kinda feel taken for granted sometimes.

 

Maybe it's because my ex was an extremely romantic guy. I was used to always being told that we would get married, that he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, et etc. What's the norm with guys??

 

Another thing that bothers me is that I feel like I'm not always top priority. I constantly miss him and want to see him as much as possible but he's not like that. Example:

-The other day I said "I miss you" and then asked if he ever misses me (doubt) and he said "Yes i do but we just saw each other yesterday so I'm ok now." ??

-I always ask to come over, and he usually says sure, but I think if I didn't ask, he might not.

 

Then again the majority of days I'm happy & we have a fun time. But whenever something pops up in my mind that makes me doubt him, it gets under my skin and eats me alive... From what you read, what do you think? Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Do you think I'm just fit for a different type of guy or that I should stick it out? It would hurt me so much to leave him because I love him so much, but I just wish I felt that same love back. Any advice is so appreciated <3

 

I always ask to come over, and he usually says sure, but I think if I didn't ask, he might not. -- The way to test this is to not initiate seeing him for a bit and see what he does. Be patient and sit back. Initiating needs to be balanced. If you are doing "all the work", you will be wondering. Be responsive/receptive when he calls/asks, but don't initiate. If he goes for days without asking to see you and you get antsy, wait just a bit longer. When/if he does ask to see you, you simply let him know you want to see him more often. Just a statement, not nagging. And then observe whether he makes more of an effort. Give a little time to observe from that point again. If he doesn't meet those needs, you'll have to evaluate things for yourself in that area.

 

Have you ever had a conversation about what you each wanted for yourselves/futures relative to dating goals? It sounds as though you haven't had that kind of talk. If not, communicate your wants and needs for yourself and let him talk. You could go down this road further only to find that he's not on that page at all. You did mention that he's concentrating on finishing school and that's fine, but he shouldn't be putting you on the back burner so to speak.

"Yes i do but we just saw each other yesterday so I'm ok now." -- The timing of the "do you ever miss me" question was poorly timed. I would wait a few days or so of not seeing him to ask that question.

 

It appears that he's ok with not seeing you everyday. But how often does he want that and what do you want? Every other day, twice a week and once on weekend. Find out what he prefers/likes and try to get on a page that works for both of you and maybe have some kind of schedule in place so you aren't wondering when/if and not feeling the need to initiate so much.

[Maggie4]

So we don't know if this is just how he is, or this is how he is with you. Maybe when he finds someone he's really crazy about, suddenly he's romantic with words and flowers and all that. Meanwhile you've been doubting yourself and being understanding. That would really suck.

On the other hand, it could be that's how he is. I guess this is the question you're asking, what is the norm? There is no norm. I've met both types.

But I would say often the feeling of being in love is similar to stress, fear, anticipation. These seem like the opposite of love because they're negative, but they are similar in terms of intensity.

Did he ever pursue you in the beginning? When he wasn't sure if he'll be rejected or not? Was there a honeymoon phase?

It's a very very bad idea to compare him with an ex. That can really destroy any attempt at romance on his part. If he gives you flowers, will the bouquet be compared to the ones you used to receive from the ex? Why should he even bother.

[Leigh 87]

So we don't know if this is just how he is, or this is how he is with you. Maybe when he finds someone he's really crazy about, suddenly he's romantic with words and flowers and all that. Meanwhile you've been doubting yourself and being understanding. That would really suck.

On the other hand, it could be that's how he is. I guess this is the question you're asking, what is the norm? There is no norm. I've met both types.

But I would say often the feeling of being in love is similar to stress, fear, anticipation. These seem like the opposite of love because they're negative, but they are similar in terms of intensity.

Did he ever pursue you in the beginning? When he wasn't sure if he'll be rejected or not? Was there a honeymoon phase?

It's a very very bad idea to compare him with an ex. That can really destroy any attempt at romance on his part. If he gives you flowers, will the bouquet be compared to the ones you used to receive from the ex? Why should he even bother.

 

 

 

I was in the same position as the OP.

 

 

Turns out, my ex of about 2 years just wasn't that into me.

 

 

I always wondered if he just wasn't into making out or being passionate in general; no. Not at all. It was just ME.

 

He went on to find a girl who he was head over heels for and treated like a princess.

 

I also wished that he had felt "instant attraction" and foundme "instantly good looking ". I wanted what my friend had; her bf and her instantly felt fireworks and he always " knew" she was gorgous and "special ".

 

Since my ex, I've gone in to find men who clearly felt smitten by me and instantly felt I was pretty.

 

I am a lot happier for it.

[basil67]

Towards the end of my first marriage, I complained about a lack of romance. Dinners, flowers, compliments etc etc.

 

Then I met my now husband and he's not at all romantic. Yes, we go out to dinner - but there's none of the other romantic stuff. The last time I got flowers was when our son said that they needed to buy some for me when I was in hospital!

 

Yet, I'm completely content. What I realised in hindsight was that my needs (in other areas) weren't getting met by my ex but when I tried to figure out why I was unhappy, all I could come up with was 'romance'.

 

My now partner meets all my needs so I don't have to look for things such as flowers in order to feel appreciated.

 

I don't know if this is the case for you - I just wanted to put the possibility out there.

[CherryVanilla]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum & I could REALLY use some advice & opinions.

 

I'm 22, been with this guy for 2 years, and our relationship has been great. We get along well, we like a lot of the same things, he's extremely kind, giving, and just a generally good person.

 

But I've always had this fear that his love for me just isn't true or deep enough in comparison to how I feel about him. He chalked it up to the fact that his "love language" is different. I love words of affirmation; I need to be told sweet, romantic things and feel appreciated. He never has told me sweet things like "I want to marry you, you're the love of my life, I appreciate this and that about you" etc. He's very kind and good to me, makes me dinner, listens to me, is respectful and gentle to me, but he doesn't go out of his way to do nice things like buy flowers, plan things, or what is MOST important to me, express his love for me. He's not a very emotional person. He includes me in his future, yet if I talk about marriage at all, not in a way like "let's get married NOW" but in a way like "I'm so excited for the future," he just says "I just want to think about school right now. I'll be excited after that." I just don't get it. Today I read a book and the woman who wrote it said that her husband describes the first time he saw her as "instant attraction, and striking beauty" and I said to my bf, "I wish you felt that way about me..." he replies, "did you have any similar feeling? stop comparing me" I just don't feel the passion And it's sad because I know men who I know would be ABSOLUTELY AMAZED to be with me but I want to feel that way with him.. I kinda feel taken for granted sometimes.

 

Maybe it's because my ex was an extremely romantic guy. I was used to always being told that we would get married, that he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, et etc. What's the norm with guys??

 

Another thing that bothers me is that I feel like I'm not always top priority. I constantly miss him and want to see him as much as possible but he's not like that. Example:

-The other day I said "I miss you" and then asked if he ever misses me (doubt) and he said "Yes i do but we just saw each other yesterday so I'm ok now." ??

-I always ask to come over, and he usually says sure, but I think if I didn't ask, he might not.

 

Then again the majority of days I'm happy & we have a fun time. But whenever something pops up in my mind that makes me doubt him, it gets under my skin and eats me alive... From what you read, what do you think? Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Do you think I'm just fit for a different type of guy or that I should stick it out? It would hurt me so much to leave him because I love him so much, but I just wish I felt that same love back. Any advice is so appreciated <3

 

You should read a book called "The 5 love languages".

 

Not all people have the same way to express love.

Some of them express it with a physical gesture, a hug, a kiss. Some show their love with a gift, a nice word, or doing things for you.

 

Perhaps your boyfriend is showing you he loves you by doing things, spending quality time with you and talking to you. That is HIS way to show he loves you.

 

However, you would like him to express his love by giving you compliments and gifts. You could say "Oh I love it when you buy me flowers or say something nice to him", in a very nice way and see how he responds. Don't nag. Just mention that you like it when he does it.

 

But don't be paranoid because it seems he likes you, he just doesn't express it in a way you want him to. Men are not really very much verbal when it comes to their feelings.

 

Honestly I think actions are much more relevant than mere words or gifts.

[thecrucible]

I seem to come across men who are either one or the other - either very effusive and spontaneous or more stoic and practically minded about love. I think there are very few men that are going to fit squarely into your ideal of romance. There is always going to be a bit of give and take - no man acts like they do in the movies!

 

Having had both of sides of the coin, I don't think the overly effusive type of guy can always be that great as you may start to doubt his sincerity. At least the more stoic one is more believable when he says romantic things because he doesn't say it as often.

 

Possibly he may think that his love for you doesn't need to be expressed as it should be obvious that he loves you. I know that sounds silly but people often project their own feelings and needs onto other people. I know this as I have always desired a lot of outward affection but my family aren't so much like that and no matter how much I have been upset about it, I have learned to accept the fact that isn't going to happen unless I initiate it. They don't seem in tune with that sort of thing at all. There is nothing I can really do about this.

 

In your case, you could have a conversation and see what both of your needs are in the relationship and see if there is a way of you both compromising in certain ways to get your needs met. He may genuinely not realise what your needs are. I have actually found some guys have had experiences with other women in their lives and almost expect us all to be the same and they just get into a routine with their relationships. Perhaps you can explain to him that you know that he loves you but that these things keep you happy. And if knows that certain things on some level make you feel happy, hopefully he will do them more if he is really invested in you.

 

In the meantime I would step back from him and give him a chance to come forward and be romantic. He may surprise you. He might be feeling a bit of pressure so he backs off a bit. And if he feels like you are cajoling him into it, it might make him feel uncomfortable. Maybe instead of asking him "Do you miss me?" you can let him say it spontaneously if that what he is thinking. It'll be more genuine that way. Also if he makes any kind of gesture, no matter how small, make sure he knows exactly how much you appreciate it.

[thecrucible]

I always wondered if he just wasn't into making out or being passionate in general; no. Not at all. It was just ME.

 

That's the ultimate dilemma for me. I am also a very passionate person. And I guess the OP is wondering the same thing - is he dispassionate in general or is he really not into me? I have learned that although I'm very passionate myself, I can still find a guy who really likes me but isn't as effusive in his gestures. But it's tricky to get it right and find a guy who's a bit of a counterbalance to your passion without being so dispassionate that there's no passion in the relationship at all.

 

It's kind of in the psyche rather than an attraction thing per se. It's when you meet a guy and you just 'get' each other and can relate to one another on a spiritual and emotional level and you don't just like what they look like. Okay this is difficult to explain but I feel I haven't been as passionate with certain guys because our psyches don't connect. For whatever reason our respective life experiences and how we see life's purpose didn't match up. Sometimes two people meet and they understand each others' pain and share some of the same neuroses and that's how they fall in love.

 

I agree that if a guy is into you, he will genuinely be more physical. But there are some men out there for whom love is not a physical thing. I had an ex like that. He wasn't really interested in sex much at all but to him that didn't divorce him from feeling love (I disagreed). Some guys are just wired a certain way. For instance, maybe the OP's guy didn't grow up in a family who used verbal affection much and it just made him into who he is and therefore it isn't something he has got into the habit of doing?

[contel3]

I was in the same position as the OP.

 

 

Turns out, my ex of about 2 years just wasn't that into me.

 

 

I always wondered if he just wasn't into making out or being passionate in general; no. Not at all. It was just ME.

 

He went on to find a girl who he was head over heels for and treated like a princess.

 

I also wished that he had felt "instant attraction" and foundme "instantly good looking ". I wanted what my friend had; her bf and her instantly felt fireworks and he always " knew" she was gorgous and "special ".

 

Since my ex, I've gone in to find men who clearly felt smitten by me and instantly felt I was pretty.

 

I am a lot happier for it.

 

Leigh, I went through a few of your old threads. Basically your ex cheated on you a lot and you are now convinced he doesn't cheat on the new girl....just wondering, did you ever have proof of that? Or were there other ways he "treated her like a princess"?

 

A lot of times I think we project our insecurities on others and assume there's no way they could be such a§§h0les if it weren't for us.

[semz]

A couple of things that I hope will be a gentle reality check.

 

First of all, not everyone IS capable of the same depth of love.

Second, not everyone expresses it in the same way. Actions do speak louder than words and you did say he was kind.

Not everyone feels they have to buy your love with candy and flowers or validate you by constantly telling you how pretty you are. A secure person does not need that very often.

 

Next, you are too young and so is he to be pressuring him to marry! He is trying to lay a foundation that can sustain a future family by getting his education. It is not TIME to marry. He is not ready and you are not ready because you need too much reassurance all the time. You're needy to a degree.

 

And finally, do you know that the part of your brain that can predict consequences of your actions is not even fully developed for at least 2-4 more years? You have no idea what you will be getting into if he did decide to marry you up and get you pregnant right now! It would be a huge mistake. Plus neither of you are old enough to even be on your own long enough to develop your true selves and know who you really are. Right now, you are young and still the person your parents made you. It takes some years living by yourself on your own or with a nonromantic roommate to even find out who you really are without the constant influence of those around you telling you who you should be.

 

Take a breath. You and he may or may not last because right now you're both dating an uncompleted personality. You're at the age when you can outgrow each other or your old friends.

 

All you should be concerned with right now is that he continues to treat you kindly -- and that doesn't mean flatter you to soothe your insecurity. If in time he stops treating you kindly or doesn't seem to have as much substance, then you will move on to someone else better suited. Until then, just enjoy your youth and freedom. And do not set your friends aside for this man. Keep your friends and keep making more. You will need them someday. Good luck.

 

I like your answer but I want to point out the fact that I never said I want to get married right NOW. Nor anytime soon. But I do talk about it, as girls do, because of the excitement. I'd talk about it even if I was single. Pretty much all of my friends and his are married so while my brain tells me it's unrealistic I have to look forward to it. He's 26 and I'm 22 but we are both in the process of getting degrees.

[semz]

So we don't know if this is just how he is, or this is how he is with you. Maybe when he finds someone he's really crazy about, suddenly he's romantic with words and flowers and all that. Meanwhile you've been doubting yourself and being understanding. That would really suck.

On the other hand, it could be that's how he is. I guess this is the question you're asking, what is the norm? There is no norm. I've met both types.

But I would say often the feeling of being in love is similar to stress, fear, anticipation. These seem like the opposite of love because they're negative, but they are similar in terms of intensity.

Did he ever pursue you in the beginning? When he wasn't sure if he'll be rejected or not? Was there a honeymoon phase?

It's a very very bad idea to compare him with an ex. That can really destroy any attempt at romance on his part. If he gives you flowers, will the bouquet be compared to the ones you used to receive from the ex? Why should he even bother.

 

Yes that's EXACTLY what I'm saying! I don't know if maybe he was with someone else he's "crazy about" he would act different. He claims it's just him. Thank you for not jumping to the conclusion that I'm needy! maybe I am a bit, but that's not what I'm trying to get to. And the answer is, he was always like that. Never changed through our whole relationship.