Losing a great girl by being too gentlemanly

[Dashottcalla]

So I've been talking to this great girl for about 3 months now she's 23 with a 4 year old son and I'm 27, in the beginning I wasn't sold on talking to her because I knew the type of person I am. I have never dated a "good girl" and that's what she was, so I didn't want to get in a situation with her where I'm in a position to break her heart because of me maybe losing interest and wanting to talk to someone else.

 

So before we started talking, she knew of me for maybe about a year because my best friend's cousin was her best friend's boyfriend. We officially start talking on the dating app "tinder" 3 months ago. From there we exchanged numbers and get the ball rolling. Before we go on a date my best friend's cousin warns the girl that she should be careful in talking to me because I am a "dog" and treat women like they're easily replaceable and have done things like talked to married women (guycode violation). This guy doesn't know much about me btw, he only knows second hand information that he heard from my best friend, so of course most of it wasn't true asides from the fact that I have talked to a married woman at one point who pursued me. But that was in the past. So with her having that in her mind, I had to "fix" it by putting her mind at ease and letting her know the truth about my situation and assuring her that what he heard was false regarding me being a dog.

 

We get passed that and go out on several dates. I would say at this point she is a bit more interested in me than I was her, because she would be the first to inquire about a second date or talk about a first kiss and even ask me if I feel comfortable with talking to her about sex, because I usually didn't discuss it at all. But anyway we get closer and closer with each passing date with both of us telling each other that we liked the other very much and that we both love spending time together and that it's hard for us to separate. We always text each other all the time throughout the day things like "I miss you", kisses, hearts and all the sweet stuff. We've had sex twice, which she's told me that she has never slept with someone before they were in a relationship. We celebrated halloween together, she invited me over for Thanksgiving and even invited me over for Christmas and new years, she even opened her door to me and said I'm welcome to come over and spend time with her and her child anytime I wanted. Which were all great moments for the most part.

 

The funny stuff kicked in in the beginning of December after me and her went to Chuck e cheese with her son.. It was a fun time, but of course there's only so many tickets a 4 year old can win with these games. So in the end I just picked him up and asked him which toy did he want, and he chooses one so I bought it. She thanked me for that but then afterwards in the car when we reached the house she tells me that she's just a simple girl and she doesn't want me to feel like I have to do a lot for her or that I don't have to always be so nice. I tell her that I'm being nice because that's who I naturally am when I really like somebody and I feel like they're special and they deserve it. She thanked me for being the way I am and said I'm special and a great guy but also said that she's just not used to guys treating her that way. She's been used to dating ass holes and guys that lack jobs, cars and ambition.

 

So after that convo, I can tell that she's acting a bit strange like she wouldn't text back as fast as before, some of the sweet things I would text her, she wouldn't text back the same thing, things just didn't feel right. So I asked her about what's going on, she says that I'm too nice to her and that I say sweet things to her all the time and she doesn't know why but it made her take a couple steps back probably because she's so not used to that. So she says she needs to think about it and she'll call me back. So she calls back after like an hour and says that she does like me a lot and wants to continue moving forward and that she's shook that feeling.

 

So after that convo things were pretty much back to normal. Christmas comes and I have to admit that I went a bit above and beyond in the gift department. I got her some nice perfume, some candles, which she loves, a nice Bluetooth speaker since she loves music, some lip stick, an amazon fire stick, and a yoga ball since we had plans on working out together. I got her son a batman set, a football, a video game and a couple books. At the time she was overjoyed as well as her son, she thanked me and even made posts on her snapchat saying that I'm such a great guy. She invited to her house the next night in which we watched a movie and had sex.

 

The next time I see her is new years eve where I'm helping her set her apartment up for a new years party. I got a big bottle of alcohol and brought 4 pizzas since there was a sale, she initially only asked me to bring 2 pizzas. So the night goes fine until one of the people at the party offer me some weed to smoke. I've smoked before and so has she but I rarely smoke. Once I finish smoking I just feel out of it to the point where I'm not interacting with the people at the party, then I get nauseous and had to go to her bathroom twice to throw up. She took me to her bed and took good care of me that night. I felt so awful that something like this happened on such a special night. I held on together for the ball drop and kissed her at 12:00am but after that I wasn't myself and just had to lay down for the rest of the night. The next morning we talked and she was ok with everything, and we even laughed about things that happened the night before. So we both go to pick her son up from her aunts house and I spend about another hour until I say my goodbyes. She tells me that I can come by later if I want since she's not doing anything.

 

Before I came to her apartment she asks if I can bring her a mountain dew voltage soda, so of course I agreed and made my way to different stores trying to find it. I tried riteaid, cvs and 7-11, they all didn't have it. So I went to target, they had it but only in the pack of like 16. So I just get it. I get to her apartment and she said I didn't have to get all of those sodas, that they sold them in singles at the 7-11, I told her I was there as well as several other places and they didn't have any. So we went to her room with her son and watched this show on Netflix, "gossip girl".. During that time I'm showing affection to her by rubbing her shoulder and back and leg while watching the show, she doesn't show any type of affection back, she's actually looking a bit uncomfortable so I stopped. I tried asking her small talk questions about the show and when she would giggle at stuff which I knew what she gas giggling at, I would playfully ask her what is she laughing at but she wouldn't answer me or even attempt to engage in any type of convo. So we just sat there for 4 hours until I get up at around 12am, which is the time I usually leave her apartment, and tell her I'm gonna head home. She walks me to her door, we kiss each other and she wishes me a safe trip home.

 

When I reached my house I texted her "I'm home now, have a good night ".. She responded saying "Are you ok with me?" I responded saying that yes I'm ok, it just felt weird because she didn't show any type of affection by touching me and we didn't even talk. I said nonetheless I always appreciate any opportunity to be with her. She text me back the in the morning saying that she knows she's been acting distant because she's on her period and because her doctor is giving her this thing to take and it's throwing her off. And she doesn't really like for people to be touching her when she's on her period and she said I'm always touching her and she didn't want to say anything last night and possibly offend me. I thought to myself that she's definitely been on her period before but it's never been to the point where she's had an issue with me touching her because we're usually touching each other mutually. But I texted her back "I understand where you're coming from, if you ever want to be alone just let me know, I know how that feels and wouldn't want you to feel like you're obligated to see me." She texts me back 3 hours later saying sorry, her son was playing with her phone all morning and that she appreciates me so much. I respond telling her I appreciate her as well. She texts me back another 3 hours later asking about my day where we text back and forth for about 20 minutes then I don't hear from her for another 3 hours. She texts back apologizing saying she's been watching gossip girl all day and her girlfriend came over and she was talking to her and that my text messages have been coming to her phone late. I said that's cool, it just doesn't seem like you've been that interested in talking today. She responded saying that she's just kept to herself the whole day and hasn't spoken to anyone. I replied saying that I'm not questioning whether she's spoken to anyone but that she was distant yesterday and considerably more distant today, I said that it seems like a pattern that she doesn't have a problem with lately and that I'm not faulting her but that all of this just feels new to me. She texts me the dreaded "we will talk".

 

She calls me and we talk about each others days, she immediately then goes on to tell me that she feels like I do too much. Like I'm trying to impress her or show off or something and that even her friends notice it. She also says that she's not the touchy feely type and I'm always touching her. She says that she feels as if I like her more than she likes me. When we first started talking I told her how I felt about church and how I don't go to church, she didnt have an issue because we would still see each other and she would still have me around her family and son. In this conversation she tells me that my thoughts on church bother her, even though she doesn't attend church at the moment, she said she would eventually like to start going and start taking her son to church. She also said that I texted her things like her and her son mean a lot to me. She said that I don't know her or her son that we'll to say things like that. She also said that I texted her things like she means the world to me and she was a little bothered by that because we've only been talking for 3 months and I'm displaying feeling that shouldn't be displayed until like at least 6 months. She said that she just feels so overwhelmed by me and the things I do and say. She goes on to say that I'm such a great guy, one of the best she's ever been around but that she needs to work on herself and that she doesn't want to continue to pursue a relationship but still would want to be friends if I would allow it.

 

Needless to say this was like a kick to my stomach.. In that short time I put a lot into this "courtship" for her to tell me that I'm too nice or that I'm doing too much of a good thing. After we got off the phone I wrote her a message saying that it probably doesn't mean much at this point but everything I did was genuine whether it seemed like it was too much or too soon or not. That I did everything to show her how serious I was about her and how I appreciated having someone like her in my life as a possible significant other. I told her I don't mind going the extra mile for people who I believe deserve it. I also said that I wanted to prove to her that the things she heard about me were the furthest from the truth. I told her that I enjoyed every moment with her and her son and part of me wishes this wasn't real, but I understand that the heart wants what it wants. I ended by saying I know she'll make somebody very happy when she does find what she wants..

 

I sent that message to her 11pm, she doesn't respond until the next day at 5pm saying "sorry I haven't wrote you back, I didn't know what to say" and that was all she wrote, so I replied saying that it's ok, I was just putting that out there. 4 hours go by and I hear nothing from her, so I text her saying that I never got a chance to thank her for taking care of me on new years, so I thanked her. So we text back and forth for about an hour about me being sorry for ruining the new years moment and her telling me that it's no big deal. She texts me good morning the next day at 7am and I text her back good morning but I don't hear from her after that until I text her a very very long message at 5pm. I basically said in the message that I did a lot of thinking about what she said to me on Saturday and things clicked for me, at first I was defensive but I see where I went wrong. I said I realized that I have been doing too much to the point that it would interfere with the natural flow of a courtship. I said I feel like I was unknowingly overcompensating for the fact that she heard bad things about me and the fact that she's had bad boyfriends throughout her dating experience and also that I felt strongly about her. I said I understand how what I was doing would start to scare anybody off. I told her that the things I do know about her, I love. I also told her that I was wrong to feel the way I did about church. I also said that if I knew the touching was a boundary of hers then I would have respected it. I ended the text by apologizing for any of that getting in the way. She text back a couple of hours later saying that it's cool and sweet how I express how I feel about everything and that I really paid attention to her and that she really appreciated my message. I text her back saying that I'm glad she appreciates it and if anything I make it a point to pay attention and retain the things that matter to me. We text a couple of times back and forth about each others day and then we say goodnight. She text me good morning yesterday and I texted her back but since then I haven't heard anything from her or reached out to her.

 

At this point I feel like I've done all I can do outside of begging, which I won't do. I just want her back, I just want that closeness with her again. It bothers my sleep, eating habits and overall morale to know that things ended like this.. I know some people say to go no contact and let time run its course but is that really even the best option? Some people say make her feel jealous by posting things online or by "accidentally" texting her making it seem like I'm talking to other women. I just don't know, all I know is that I want her back. I never met a female like her so to have her leave my life like this is very hard for me.

[Dashottcalla]

She also said during our phone convo that she feels like I agree with everything she says, which isn't true. We have disagreed on several topics as she has admitted in the past, but of course I will agree with her when something she says makes sense

[Space Ritual]

Dude you dodged a bullet.

 

You showed her you were a Beta guy. She likes Alpha guys, you know, guys she considers to be badasses. For her they simply are exciting. You were exciting to a point. And then you being a nice guy scared her off. Being a nice guy is generally the kiss of death.

 

You were the complete opposite to her. Showing that much emotion so soon usually is a relationship killer. But she liked the fact you stroked her ego. She liked the emotional crutch you provided her. She just wasn't into the other parts of you.

 

You actually should consider yourself lucky. Had you been in along term relationship of any kind with her, she would have chewed you up and spit you out the second some guy that looked a bit dangerous came along.

 

You could stand to Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It is in PDF form and i think you could really benefit from reading it.

 

Going overboard with the nice guy routine only works in movies that Critics call "A Triumph" on a TV commercial. What it also means is that you probably need to dial down that routine, because this experience is a really good indicator ow what lies ahead for you in the future with other women if you wear your heart in your sleeve. You will get your heart stomped n time and again.

 

Trust me, I used to be an extremely nice guy. A nice guy to a fault. And it was like a broken record in every case. Then I started being myself, which in reality is not such a nice guy. And I have never been happier.

 

Find that PDF man, seriously. It could save your sanity.

 

And stop all contact with this woman, she only wants your for ego kibbles, not for anything physical.

[jen1447]

This sounds like an interesting topic but first I have to steel myself to read all the text ....

[Wewon]

This sounds like an interesting topic but first I have to steel myself to read all the text ....

 

I saw that length of text and got discouraged myself.

 

OP, maybe a TL;DR version of things?

 

I find that a lot of long post tend to be littered with details of conversation segments, pontifications and extra details.

[Dashottcalla]

This sounds like an interesting topic but first I have to steel myself to read all the text ....

 

Yea, I don't think it could be condensed too much. Otherwise it would lose most of the most important details

[Dashottcalla]

I saw that length of text and got discouraged myself.

 

OP, maybe a TL;DR version of things?

 

I find that a lot of long post tend to be littered with details of conversation segments, pontifications and extra details.

 

Well in a nutshell, I was told that I was doing too much as far as compliments, affection (touching her too much), gifts (I might have went a little overboard on xmas), and just telling her how I felt about her. She said that we only been talking for 3 months and the things I'm saying are that of someone's who's been in a relationship for at least 6 months. But that confused me because we already have had sex and she has had me around her kid several times. I wanted her to know that I understand that I was doing too much, but I didn't see it previous to her telling me the 2nd time. I think I was overcompensating for her hearing bad things about me before we started talking. I want to get her back but didn't know the best way how. I haven't heard from her and I haven't text her since yesterday at 7am, which is the longest we've ever went without communicating.

[Dashottcalla]

Dude you dodged a bullet.

 

You showed her you were a Beta guy. She likes Alpha guys, you know, guys she considers to be badasses. For her they simply are exciting. You were exciting to a point. And then you being a nice guy scared her off. Being a nice guy is generally the kiss of death.

 

You were the complete opposite to her. Showing that much emotion so soon usually is a relationship killer. But she liked the fact you stroked her ego. She liked the emotional crutch you provided her. She just wasn't into the other parts of you.

 

You actually should consider yourself lucky. Had you been in along term relationship of any kind with her, she would have chewed you up and spit you out the second some guy that looked a bit dangerous came along.

 

You could stand to Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It is in PDF form and i think you could really benefit from reading it.

 

Going overboard with the nice guy routine only works in movies that Critics call "A Triumph" on a TV commercial. What it also means is that you probably need to dial down that routine, because this experience is a really good indicator ow what lies ahead for you in the future with other women if you wear your heart in your sleeve. You will get your heart stomped n time and again.

 

Trust me, I used to be an extremely nice guy. A nice guy to a fault. And it was like a broken record in every case. Then I started being myself, which in reality is not such a nice guy. And I have never been happier.

 

Find that PDF man, seriously. It could save your sanity.

 

And stop all contact with this woman, she only wants your for ego kibbles, not for anything physical.

 

Thanks! Is it the one written by Robert Glover?

[Space Ritual]

Thanks! Is it the one written by Robert Glover?

 

Indeed it is.

 

Good Luck

[ExpatInItaly]

I actually don't think you really did anything wrong, OP.

 

I'm a woman too, and I think many would have been flattered by your attention and kindness. Especially when it came to her son. She told you that you were welcome any time. It's not as though you showed up with a diamond ring the next day!

 

I don't see you as having gone over the top or showing too much emotion. Okay, perhaps saying she and her son mean the world to you is a bit strong this early on but if she were truly interested she would've addressed it instead of seeing it as a dealbreaker. I think she does indeed have some things to sort out in her own life and perhaps has been listening to her friends' opinions on your sincerity too much.

 

However, I have a feeling there may be more to it. Perhaps an ex has resurfaced or she's met someone else. Maybe she's got some fears of intimacy.I really don't think it's all down to you being "too gentlemanly"

 

Just continue being you. You were coming from an honest place and not suffocating or clinging. Quit apologizing. Quit backtracking and trying to explain yourself. That makes this worse. Just leave her be for now.

Edited January 6, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[DrMario]

Don't quit being a nice guy if that is who you are, I am a nice guy and if people for some weird reason foreign to me don't like that, then guess what?, I'll go about my day continuing to be a nice guy, because that's who I am, nothing wrong with that or how you treated this lady and her little boy.

[stillafool]

It sounds like she's used to bad boys. BTW, where is her ex husband? Definitely stop contacting her as I myself am starting to cringe. It seem to me she has ended it with you, except maybe, friendship. Is that what you want? If not, stop replying to her because she has definitely friend zoned you.

[Dashottcalla]

It sounds like she's used to bad boys. BTW, where is her ex husband? Definitely stop contacting her as I myself am starting to cringe. It seem to me she has ended it with you, except maybe, friendship. Is that what you want? If not, stop replying to her because she has definitely friend zoned you.

 

She has been separated from her sons father for over a year and a half. He has a girl friend. I stopped contacting her but she just sent me a message reading saying that next weekend is her son's birthday and that she's not sure what she's gonna do but she wanted to know if I could celebrate with them next weekend. She said only if I want to and not to say yes if I really don't want to or intend to come.

 

But I definitely don't want just a friendship with her

[pteromom]

I read all the text. Whew.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong.

 

I just think you are moving at a faster pace, and it is intimidating her.

 

3 months in, you are buying her grand gifts, and expressing lots of affection, and doing things for her, and touching her a lot, and it is just making her uncomfortable.

 

I think you just need to sloooooow down. be cool and calm, and communicate.

 

And it's ok for you to have your own feelings about church. You just can't force your feelings on her. I think that is the sort of thing she is talking about when she says you always agree with her. You had a point of view, and you were willing to just toss it aside because hers was different.

 

Please don't read stuff about being a jerk or an "Alpha". Just learn to stand by who you are, while also respecting who she is.

 

You aren't ready to go NC, and please don't play stupid games. How about texting her to ask her out somewhere nice, and focus on having a good time rather than on defining or progressing the relationship?

[lana-banana]

She calls me and we talk about each others days, she immediately then goes on to tell me that she feels like I do too much. Like I'm trying to impress her or show off or something and that even her friends notice it. She also says that she's not the touchy feely type and I'm always touching her. She says that she feels as if I like her more than she likes me. When we first started talking I told her how I felt about church and how I don't go to church, she didnt have an issue because we would still see each other and she would still have me around her family and son. In this conversation she tells me that my thoughts on church bother her, even though she doesn't attend church at the moment, she said she would eventually like to start going and start taking her son to church. She also said that I texted her things like her and her son mean a lot to me. She said that I don't know her or her son that we'll to say things like that. She also said that I texted her things like she means the world to me and she was a little bothered by that because we've only been talking for 3 months and I'm displaying feeling that shouldn't be displayed until like at least 6 months. She said that she just feels so overwhelmed by me and the things I do and say. She goes on to say that I'm such a great guy, one of the best she's ever been around but that she needs to work on herself and that she doesn't want to continue to pursue a relationship but still would want to be friends if I would allow it.

 

I emphasized the important part. I agree you went a bit over the top for the three-month mark, but it doesn't sound like anything too extreme. Ultimately she does not feel as strongly about you as you do about her. She would probably be fine with all your grand gestures if she really and truly wanted to be with you and returned your level of affection, but she doesn't, and you have to accept that.

 

My suggestion for your next relationship---and for all future relationships, honestly---is to never give more than you get. I'm not saying you should be a jerk, but don't invest all your time and attention in someone who doesn't do the same in turn. If you have to do all the heavy lifting it's not going to work out. By contrast, if you're both on the same page, it'll all come naturally.

[quattrob]

I dont think you really did anything bad or wrong. But I can see her side too. I think you showing your affection, showering her with all those nice things/words just pressured her extremely because 1. She's doesnt feel that strongly about you yet 2. She's afraid she can't give you the same affect/love that you provided her 3. Most likely she didnt like you that much to begin with.

 

Bottom line is, she's just not the right girl for you and you werent the right guy for her. If she really felt strongly towards you, she would never want to breakup because you were being too expressive and nice to her instead if she really liked you, she would be grateful and perhaps show you the same.

[GH3]

Honestly, coming from a woman in her 20s, some girls are just not intelligent enough to appreciate a good guy. Judging from your anecdote, she doesn't have much self respect if she says "I'm used to *******s". On the other hand a guy that has a "reputation" would deter me too, It's a funny time to be alive. You see girls attract a certain type of guy because they subconsciously seek them out. And it really has nothing to do with you being nice or not, She's just not all that smart at picking guys. So yeah the sudden change from ******* to nice guy is just not one she's prepared to handle. So if you really want her, I suggest being her friend first. Believe it or not, she'll realize that your feelings are genuine if you do and she might give it another chance. But for now I suggest a bit of space.

[Dashottcalla]

Honestly, coming from a woman in her 20s, some girls are just not intelligent enough to appreciate a good guy. Judging from your anecdote, she doesn't have much self respect if she says "I'm used to *******s". On the other hand a guy that has a "reputation" would deter me too, It's a funny time to be alive. You see girls attract a certain type of guy because they subconsciously seek them out. And it really has nothing to do with you being nice or not, She's just not all that smart at picking guys. So yeah the sudden change from ******* to nice guy is just not one she's prepared to handle. So if you really want her, I suggest being her friend first. Believe it or not, she'll realize that your feelings are genuine if you do and she might give it another chance. But for now I suggest a bit of space.

 

Yea, it's so confusing trying to figure out women. But I did decide to take a step back and let her have her space, she just texted me a few hours ago inviting me to her son's birthday party next weekend, so that's a tad bit more confusing..

[Simon Phoenix]

Yea, it's so confusing trying to figure out women. But I did decide to take a step back and let her have her space, she just texted me a few hours ago inviting me to her son's birthday party next weekend, so that's a tad bit more confusing..

 

She likes you as a friend. Nothing to be confused about. And yes, there are women (usually young) that don't like nice guys. Not fake "Nice Guys" who hover around them in the friend zone hoping to convince them to go out with them, but genuine nice, good guys.

 

I didn't read your OP (way too long) but some women (once again, younger women) think nice is boring and mean, for lack of a better word, is exciting. Several years ago I was in the early stages of dating a girl and we were talking about the crazy stuff we did in college. She was talking about doing drugs and all that and I respond "hardest drug I ever did was weed." She flat-out told me "for a guy with a reputation of being a party guy you're pretty tame." I just shrugged my shoulders, but it was like she was disappointed that I was pretty chill and would have rather I had been a bit of a raging cokehead or something. Needless to say that didn't last very long.

 

But yeah, you aren't what this girl is looking for right now, and that's ok. There will be other girls that will like you for what you are. But as for the invitation -- part of that is guilt, part of that is genuinely hoping you can be her buddy. Don't read into anything more than that though, or you'll be on a road to even more pain.

[CherryVanilla]

Well in a nutshell, I was told that I was doing too much as far as compliments, affection (touching her too much), gifts (I might have went a little overboard on xmas), and just telling her how I felt about her. She said that we only been talking for 3 months and the things I'm saying are that of someone's who's been in a relationship for at least 6 months. But that confused me because we already have had sex and she has had me around her kid several times. I wanted her to know that I understand that I was doing too much, but I didn't see it previous to her telling me the 2nd time. I think I was overcompensating for her hearing bad things about me before we started talking. I want to get her back but didn't know the best way how. I haven't heard from her and I haven't text her since yesterday at 7am, which is the longest we've ever went without communicating.

 

OP, I am the kind of woman who usually tells men to slow down, just like your gf did.

 

Well, I used to date a guy who was really sweet but after 1 week of dating he bought me a very expensive piece of jewelry and I told him I couldn't accept it and that we were moving too fast. He was really offended by my reaction but the thing is, he was a super clingy and possessive guy who was giving me presents after only 1 week together. Why does this disturb me? Because just like men are scared of women obsessed with the idea of getting married, I am scared of men who could possibly become too clingy, too obsessed with me - and what's worse - jealous, possessive and aggressive.

[Hoosfoos]

Unfortunately, once she has you pegged as a "nice guy", the relationship is doomed. Women like the excitement and unpredictability of being with an "edgy bad boy". They will also constantly s.hit test you to see if your reaction was one of an alpha or a beta, then jump to the next alpha waiting in the wings if you fail. I've experienced and seen this countless times.

[Dashottcalla]

She likes you as a friend. Nothing to be confused about. And yes, there are women (usually young) that don't like nice guys. Not fake "Nice Guys" who hover around them in the friend zone hoping to convince them to go out with them, but genuine nice, good guys.

 

I didn't read your OP (way too long) but some women (once again, younger women) think nice is boring and mean, for lack of a better word, is exciting. Several years ago I was in the early stages of dating a girl and we were talking about the crazy stuff we did in college. She was talking about doing drugs and all that and I respond "hardest drug I ever did was weed." She flat-out told me "for a guy with a reputation of being a party guy you're pretty tame." I just shrugged my shoulders, but it was like she was disappointed that I was pretty chill and would have rather I had been a bit of a raging cokehead or something. Needless to say that didn't last very long.

 

But yeah, you aren't what this girl is looking for right now, and that's ok. There will be other girls that will like you for what you are. But as for the invitation -- part of that is guilt, part of that is genuinely hoping you can be her buddy. Don't read into anything more than that though, or you'll be on a road to even more pain.

 

Yea, that makes sense. I did get kind of excited thinking that maybe she did want more after all

[Dashottcalla]

I made a post about this yesterday but it was too long for most to read and I got a new text from her that I was a little confused about

 

Well in a nutshell, I was told that I was doing too much and she felt as if I was trying to impress her or show off and even her friends would notice. I'm 27 she is 23 with a 4 year old son. She said she feels overwhelmed as far as the compliments, affection (touching her too much to the point where it annoyed her on one occasion), gifts (I might have went a little overboard on xmas), and just telling her how I felt about her. She told me that she's not used to guys treating her so nice, she was used to idiots that had no car, no job or ambition. She said that we only been talking for 3 months and the things I'm saying are that of someone's who's been in a relationship for at least 6 months and that she feels like I like her more than she likes me. But that confused me because we already have had sex and she has had me around her kid several times. She said that she would still want to be friends if I would allow it. I wanted her to know that I understand that I was doing too much, but I didn't see it previous to her telling me the 2nd time. I think I was overcompensating for her hearing bad things about me before we started talking. I want to get her back but didn't know the best way how. She did however text me yesterday evening inviting me to her sons bday party next weekend, I wasn't sure what I should take from that, if that's something to read deeper into or not.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yea, that makes sense. I did get kind of excited thinking that maybe she did want more after all

 

Sorry dude, I don't think there's a chance of that at this point, probably not ever, but definitely not if you play the "friend" role. Don't be friends with someone unless you truly are cool with being a friend and nothing more.

[Robratory]

There is no such thing as "doing too much." It really sounds like she's uncomfortable because she does not reciprocate your feelings.

 

And frankly, look, the moment a woman starts up with "I'm just not used to being treated decently," walk the hell away. She may just be using it as an excuse, but if she's serious, she has problems only a therapist can help her overcome, and meanwhile, you don't need the endless drama, the hot and cold, the breakups and makeups -- just say no.

 

And no, don't just be friends. Your unrequited romantic feelings are not a basis for friendship. I would decline the invitation to her son's birthday party. You're not even an established couple, so you shouldn't be in the kid's life.