Hypocrisy?

[katiegrl]

Okay, they're just friends.

 

When was the last time you hyper-ventilated and cried when one of your male friends moved in with his girlfriend?

 

There is something weird here and I hope that your gf recognizes it.

 

My guess is she DOES recognize it.... but doesn't care.

 

She enjoys the attention and the gifts....and the fact she's got both her ex and LR eating out of her palm....loving her, chasing her.

[Versacehottie]

lol and you ruined my edit.

 

I am not in denial about this guy. He cried and hyperventilalted [] when he found out she was moving in with me in a few months. Maybe I am about the respectful boundaries.

 

I just assume I need to master my insecurities and fear of abandonment, and I think that emotional response masks my abilities to rationalize why it's unhealthy behavior.

 

However, I have to note that these two have been friends for more than a decade (how long he's been pining for her, probably too) and their friendship started while she was married.

 

I think I would lose the war at first of a me vs. him battle, so I never did it as I expected them to have good boundaries. However, the gifts and his attempt to kiss her keep pushing those boundaries and that's when we finally talked about it.

 

Yes, I will walk if she continues to test my boundaries with this kind of things. No I won't walk tonight about a past problem that we have had resolved, but I will point out a lot of this the next time she brings up the ps account name again.

 

If you read between the lines, your jealousy is going to get the best of you. You are jealous of this guy no matter what you say. I don't think it's because you think anything is going to "happen" with him so you convince yourself that you are NOT jealous. But in reality, she is not bending or respecting your feelings about him and you are transferring that slight by her to him. You are jealous. It's coming out in the way you keep insulting him. Obvious. This girl is playing you. I don't know why you keep bragging that she is moving in with you--it sounds like you have an unstable base at the moment, not quite bragging material. She doesn't impress me at all with anything you've said about her. (ok, sorry laughing about calling him bub was pretty good--so sense of humor might be a plus--otherwise he's a "bub" and she's a "dud").

Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[11012015]

Lol, I like your seriousness Versace! Yeah yeah, I guess I'm in denial [] here, [] but I wouldn't tolerate this in normal circumstances. I'll figure it out, thanks guys for slapping me around a bit.

 

@Wewon - Nah, I finally got her to admit he's still madly in love with her and you should have seen her disappointment for a few hours that she couldn't live in denial that he wanted to be friends.

 

You didn't get her to admit anything. She already knew!

Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Versacehottie]

Lol, I like your seriousness Versace! Yeah yeah, I guess I'm in denial about [] here, [] but I wouldn't tolerate this in normal circumstances. I'll figure it out, thanks guys for slapping me around a bit.

 

@Wewon - Nah, I finally got her to admit he's still madly in love with her and you should have seen her disappointment for a few hours that she couldn't live in denial that he wanted to be friends.

 

Haha, am I being serious. I like to be funny. but honestly, you are about to move in with her. You've seemed like a good guy, these are serious matters!!!

 

Hyperventilating for you@!@!

Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[11012015]

SHE PLAYS GUYS AND YOU ARE JUST EATING IT UP RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS FINE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU HAVE SOME HIGHLY DESIRABLE GIRL ...

 

HOW SHE HANDLES THESE THINGS ARE CHARACTER ISSUES--SHE IS NOT HANDLING THESE LIKE A HIGHLY DESIRABLE WOMAN, SO DON'T FOOL YOURSELF.

 

 

OP, print this and put it on your wall.

[katiegrl]

Lol, I like your seriousness Versace! Yeah yeah, I guess I'm in denial [] here, [] but I wouldn't tolerate this in normal circumstances. I'll figure it out, thanks guys for slapping me around a bit.

 

@Wewon - Nah, I finally got her to admit he's still madly in love with her and you should have seen her disappointment for a few hours that she couldn't live in denial that he wanted to be friends.

 

I just gotta say I am appalled at what is coming out here.

 

If I had an ex who admitted to me he was still madly in love with me....I would never ever EVER choose to remain "friends" with him (unless I reciprocated the feelings).....even if I did NOT have a another boyfriend!

 

That is just so wrong, so selfish, so completely self-serving.... again I am just appalled at LR's willingness to tolerate this crap.

Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[11012015]

My guess is she DOES recognize it.... but doesn't care.

 

She enjoys the attention and the gifts....and the fact she's got both her ex and LR eating out of her palm....loving her, chasing her.

 

This.

 

Ladies are telling you. A guy with a Ph.D. in Orbiter/[Attention Seeker] is telling you the same thing. Wake up!

Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Versacehottie]

OP, print this and put it on your wall.

 

oh yeah i forgot to say a girl that plays guys like that will usually turn on you at some point. That's why you should be paying attention to the character issues. These type of people serve ONE master--themselves.

 

If she is doing what she wants to this "friend" knowing where he stands about her (ie currently playing him) and how you feel about it (disregarding and disrespecting you), as well as being out of norm about what are commonly accepted practices regarding gifts and help, how long do you think it will be before she turns on you? She looks out for ONE person, at the expense of anything else as long as she can get away with it: herself, don't fool yourself. She is no prize.

 

If you end up getting married to her and get a divorce, remember my post :0

[katiegrl]

I hate to say this....cuz I really like and respect LR so much....but...

 

I think it is highly possible she is using him, playing him.... as a way to "stir the pot" with respect to her relationship with her ex.... which clearly she values MORE than her relationship with LR.

 

By continuing to date LR.... she elicits jealousy in her ex .... and frankly utter craziness as well (crying jags, etc) ....which results in him chasing her harder... continuing to buy her gifts, and giving her copious amounts of attention...which she is EATING UP.

 

She may not give a damn about LR at all... he is simply a pawn in her little game of getting all the attention she can....from the man she really wants (her ex)....but is playing like a fiddle for her own sick reasons.

 

Perhaps he treated her badly and she is getting back at him, who knows.

 

In any event, this whole thing sounds quite sick IMO. The way she is playing both guys....she almost seems sociopathic.

[Wewon]

I don't know if she values the relationship with the friend more so much that she knows that she has the OP in her hip pocket. He's proven that he's not going anywhere, the friend however, needs to be engaged and she has to avoid discouraging him.

 

If she alienates him too much he may quit or worse, start seriously dating someone.

[katiegrl]

I don't know if she values the relationship with the friend more so much that she knows that she has the OP in her hip pocket. He's proven that he's not going anywhere, the friend however, needs to be engaged and she has to avoid discouraging him.

 

If she alienates him too much he may quit or worse, start seriously dating someone.

 

It seems like she is pitting both men against each other....for her own selfish purposes....which is so wrong on SO many levels....too many to count.

 

And nevermind her needing the attention, or needing to remain friends with her ex..... this speaks to her character and integrity as a human being.

 

Unfortunately, I don't see this ending well at all for LR.

[William]

Folks, I did some editing for language since we do have language policies here at LoveShack.org and some words and phrases are prohibited by our individual and group berating policies. Where incidental, just some edits. Where more focused, sanctions. When in doubt, save the profanity and vulgarity for off our forums. Thanks!

[Maggie4]

You're annoyed by the hypocrisy? Maybe it's actually a good sign something about you actually matters to her.

Ok, so I'll admit to having had an ex bf as a friend during relationships.

 

Relationship with A - I tell him the ex is just a friend, and not to worry. That is ALL true. I had no feelings for the ex, and no way I'd ever be intimate with him again. No way. We just have common interests. If A wanted to have a woman friend stay at his place, ok, whatever.

 

Relationship with B - I stopped all contact with this same ex, before B ever found out his existence. I spared B from any uncomfortable feelings, I protected the relationship from doubt, because this guy B, I truly loved. If B ever had a woman stay at his place, I would have died. Not because I think he'd cheat on me, but because that means he doesn't care.

[LoveRefreshed]

Good morning LS!

 

So last night after reading a lot of these comments, I did some thinking and then talked to her about it.

 

First and foremost, I think a lot of people here have been bitten and maybe are a bit careful, as to say, about trusting.

 

I talk a lot with this girl about her emotions and my emotions and who we are as people. I really don't get the sense she's a liar. When I questioned her about this guy, I really feel I got the truth on her feelings and their history. They met when she lived out of state of her BF. He developed feelings for her and was crushed when she told him her BF was moving down with her. She told me he was able to get over it and be a friend. When she got divorced with her husband, he was supportive and was urging her to really consider and think about it before going through with a divorce. After the divorce she rebounded with another guy and then she was single for a long time and 'he was just there' but she said she never really got to know him or had a drive to know him deeply and spiritually as a lover. They dated a few short months of which this guy lives 4 hours away out of state. She met me and broke up with him immediately.

 

So when I talked to her last night, I wanted to know why she downplayed his feelings- and it was because she knew I wouldn't like that he was still pining, but that he learned to deal with her having a bf before fast and thought he would again. I basically told her I'm not going to tolerate this guy pining for her for the rest of our lives. I already agreed I'd give him another shot to 'be a friend' but the second he crosses a firm boundary, she needs to oust him from our lives or I'll walk and I won't tolerate flirting with orbiters at all. That this guy is the only exception because they've been friends for 10 years. She told me that she talked him about boundaries and that he needed to deal with our relationship and get over it if he wanted to continue to be a friend in her life. She let me read the conversation, offered it without me asking and had done it a couple weeks back.

 

Unfortunately, she didn't address the gift **** with him, but we talked about that last night as well. I deleted the PS name without her asking or knowing, and when she found out last night, let's just say, when I went to bed, that ****ing blanket wasn't on the bed anymore. She basically got a dose of it, and realized it sucks to have to see ex momentos everywhere. We were talking about it in bed because I was happy it was gone, and we decided the TV is going to her roommate now when she moves out (as I have one that is better), the blanket is gone, the washing machine I'll keep because it saves me money and she knows that any more gifts from him go to goodwill or the garbage.

 

I'm sure 85% of you think I'm a foolish push over, but I think you sit there with shades of black and white... or maybe I've got rose colored glasses on. I've spent my life guarding myself and shutting people out. I'll keep an eye on it, but I want to believe in the goodness she has shown me so far that none of you know about.

[Versacehottie]

Hmmm, well I wouldn't say I've been bitten or have a generally black and white opinion on this board in my case. I do in this situation because of way you have described your gf, your own reactions to things going on and this: she exhibits as you've described it some of the characteristics I think are the worst and most destructive to relationships.

 

I'm not talking about having ex-bfs in life. I'm friendly with almost all (all?) that I've had. It's how she uses this guy. An orbiter orbits for a reason--she is parcelling out nuggets to keep him hanging in there and keep the gifts coming.

 

I don't think you are a pushover. I do think you are in denial and have her on a pedestal in a way. However, life is meant to be lived and it sounds like you made some progress last night. Time will tell. Good luck

[Popsicle]

I think you are absolutely in the right, but unfortunately for you, your GF will not get rid of her orbiter if she hasn't already after the first time you complained. She won't. Maybe it's time for you to get an orbiter too so she can see how it feels. People often don't learn until they are put in the same position. A PS profile is not enough and just won't cut it.