Hypocrisy?

[LoveRefreshed]

My girlfriend has a friend of a long time and an orbiter. I've talked about him once before. At the onset of our relationship, the dude made me annoyed as he was obviously still in love with her even though she kept telling me that they are just friends now.

 

Anyway, for a few months I tolerated a message on her TV from him to the two of them that ended in "Luv _____". He tried to kiss her when our relationship was new and I was pissed. She has defended her right to be his friend despite my feelings since she 'is not and never will be interested in him and he's a good friend'. She also told me she doesn't like jealous men and there is no reason to fear losing her to these other guys.

 

I've managed to deal with this issue because we've talked about it a lot and I've gotten her to agree to my boundaries with him and what I expect her to do if he disrespects our relationship again and that I won't tolerate her having a sugar daddy.

 

Anyway, this is a long time saying that we played playstation the other day and she got seriously annoyed by my ex girlfriends PS profile. She made the comment that we could delete a name off my list and I looked at it and saw it and started giggling and laughing so hard. This is like the same situation yet reversed since I'm sitting in an apartment with at least 3 gifts from him- one being after we are together.

 

She played aloof and denies it was a jealousy thing. She won't tell me what she really thinks about it either since she knows I am right I think. I basically told her last night that I thought it was funny that she has a problem with the ps profile but I don't understand why she would have a problem with it, but I would delete it when she through out that hideous ****ing blanket (the xmas gift was this obnoxious purple blanket) and she laughed, but that was it.

 

Anyway, I am completely annoyed by the hypocrisy with this. I want to talk to her about how it's like this, but she's avoiding it. Is this a big deal? Should I just let it go? I had to stomach some serious jealousy and insecurity issues in the first two months so she could continue having an annoying orbiter. Some might argue the blanket serves a purpose but the profile doesn't, but for 50 bucks, get rid of that ex bf momento, IMO.

[carhill]

Orbiters fly off into space without a planet pulling them in. Gravity. Mass. Attraction.

 

Reading your post I reflected on the past and, overall, getting all bound up in rules of engagement and what's 'right' and 'wrong' and all that and, meh. If it works, it does; if it doesn't, move on.

 

I'm guessing you're young, reproductive period, so this commitment and territory stuff is important. If yes, enforce your boundaries. If things are unacceptable, state that. If no resolution is forthcoming, well, you have a decision to make.

[Wewon]

When I throw in my two cents, more times than not I don't worry about the surface crap, I'm concerned with the underlying implications.

 

Hypocrisy is not just annoying, it makes a relationship difficult to navigate. Just when you feel that the ground rules and boundaries are establish, the hypocrite does something that they see as "completely different" and they want you to swallow it.

 

Like always, this has to start with a calm conversation, not to tell her what to do but to see if she can even empathize with what is going on here. If you don't make any headway I would really reconsider what life would be like with a person that sees the world this way.

[jen1447]

This may be more serious than it sounds on the surface bc to take it apart may be undermining your GF's 'core values.'

 

Many/most women labor under a very common misconception - that many/most guys can be friends to them and nothing more. That's usually not actually so, but a lot of women think it anyway or like to tell themselves it's true.

 

So to get her to reject this guy's supposed friendship isn't just the fairly straightforward business it seems like to you. She has to first accept that she's not living in la-la land where ppl have no ulterior motives and men everywhere want to be "just friends." That's harder than it seems bc the result for her is a much colder, harder world, as opposed to the whole thing being just a straightforward day-to-day decision like it is for you.

 

Before anyone flips out I'm not saying all men everywhere want to get in all women's pants or that men and women are never friends, but I am saying that women over-project how common it is and that we tend to have a vested interest in doing so. (It's not a very comforting notion to think that every guy out there is eyeing you up for sex and nothing else.) And yes this is a woman thing for that very reason. Guys might feel differently if every woman out there wanted you and also had the real-world ability to physically overpower you on average.

 

Anyway you may want to take all that into consideration when you wonder what's going thru her head.

[Toodaloo]

OP you have made your point. Now stick to it.

 

Your not talking to your ex, she is. Your not accepting gifts from your ex. She is.

 

Personally I think the ex still wants to get into her knickers and is using the "friends" excuse. I don't think she has noticed or realised this.

 

Keep your exes profile until the blanket goes. When the blanket goes remove the profile.

 

Do not mention the ex again but some timely raised eye brows and walking away from conversation about him may be prudent.

 

Simple.

 

ETA - when an ex really is a friend people look at them as a friend not an ex... When people ask me how I met my friends who are exes - I tell them how we met not that we are exes... She does not have that mentality... yet...

[Versacehottie]

Well as a show of respect, you should delete your ex gf's name off playstation and she should donate the blanket to goodwill. Yes it's hypocrisy. Why do you want to get "stuck" here though? Do something about it, move on and enjoy your relationship. Staying with a woman who does things you don't respect and morals you don't agree with, yet continue to complain about and hold a grudge about, is a pretty great case of hypocrisy as well. I don't think she is right at all as I said on your last thread about what she did last time (eyeglasses, right?). Aren't you getting fed up?

 

How important is it to hang onto someone who is cloudy with her values, something you pick up on and are quite aware or? Yet you only complain about her, seem to hold significant chip on your shoulder toward the guy when she is the one responsible for maintaining an appropriate boundary and being respectful toward you, and currently you have obvious disdain for the woman and look for things (and happily/easily find them) that prove you are right? You are right. So do something about it. Dump her or lay down the law. I think you would rather complain about it here because you know she has no intention of changing and you have no intention of letting her go. Seeds of a toxic and dysfunctional relationship. Your real question should be: Is this hypocrisy the final straw or a sign that the relationship is unbalanced or unhealthy and should I break it off?

 

Anyway good luck, you are going to need it.

[LoveRefreshed]

Most of you have good responses. I guess I'm 31, not sure what Carhill considers young, and she is 29 and her ex bf is a 38 year old guy who is really emotionally immature.

 

My original problem is what others are saying- the guy still loves her and just is faking it by calling it 'friend'. I felt a victory when I got her to admit that after my first jealous feelings were betrayed. We had a good talk about how he is still in love with her and X Y and Z are all across boundaries because of it AND if he does it again, yes, I expect him gone from our lives or I will be gone from hers.

 

Anyway, to save you all from stories, I've basically made my point about boundaries and gifts from this twat nugget now that she knows her rules. I'm just shocked by her response when she was so unwavering about my acceptance of this emo unrequited back up boyfriend (I call him bub, standing for back up boyfriend, that I've told her what it stands for, which she finds funny).

 

Anyway, I think Jen is right. I thinks he lives in this world where she thinks guys can be just friends and that guys can manage their romantic interests in her once she has a bf. Despite not being worried about this last guy, it does make me question her boundaries with guys who are interested in her and how she is going to behave in return towards my female friends.

 

I've dealt with her ex bf staying twice at her place (me there) and once at his place out of state (this was when he tried to kiss her and I've since placed the rules now) and in the next two months, a very attractive and single friend of mine for 10+ years is coming to visit me and will be staying at my place. We have had two nights together and other than that have been in relationships for our friendship. So while there is some attractive, in the last 3 years, we've been platonic with no cheating on our partners with each other. I'm not worried about my friend, I am kind of interested to my see my gf's reaction though now. Might let her understand what I went through. Had my gf been more respectful, I would have considered her feelings in the visit (i.e. my friend will stay at my place, even if my gf is uncomfortable).

 

I won't tolerate the double standard here because it shows she understood me, is jealous herself, and expecting me to be okay with something that she's not which indicates she knows that what she is doing causes a problem in our relationship. Makes me really concerned, that's why I think this is a bigger issue than just a stupid ps profile.

[LoveRefreshed]

Damn to that VersaceHottie.

 

Callin me out. I think you're right. I'm afraid to say "It's this way or I'm leaving" because I don't want to follow through, but you're right, I guess it might need to be the way.

 

This girl had a lot of what I was looking for, if only she could drop the need for other guy attention.

[katiegrl]

Damn to that VersaceHottie.

 

Callin me out. I think you're right. I'm afraid to say "It's this way or I'm leaving" because I don't want to follow through, but you're right, I guess it might need to be the way.

 

This girl had a lot of what I was looking for,

 

 

** if only she could drop the need for other guy attention.

 

It's more than that though LR.

 

She is being disrespectful to you and your relationship (among other things that do not bode well for a happy healthy relationship).....that goes WAY deeper than her simply needing attention from other guys.

[11012015]

My girlfriend has a friend of a long time and an orbiter. I've talked about him once before. At the onset of our relationship, the dude made me annoyed as he was obviously still in love with her even though she kept telling me that they are just friends now.

 

Anyway, for a few months I tolerated a message on her TV from him to the two of them that ended in "Luv _____". He tried to kiss her when our relationship was new and I was pissed. She has defended her right to be his friend despite my feelings since she 'is not and never will be interested in him and he's a good friend'. She also told me she doesn't like jealous men and there is no reason to fear losing her to these other guys.

 

I've managed to deal with this issue because we've talked about it a lot and I've gotten her to agree to my boundaries with him and what I expect her to do if he disrespects our relationship again and that I won't tolerate her having a sugar daddy.

 

Anyway, this is a long time saying that we played playstation the other day and she got seriously annoyed by my ex girlfriends PS profile. She made the comment that we could delete a name off my list and I looked at it and saw it and started giggling and laughing so hard. This is like the same situation yet reversed since I'm sitting in an apartment with at least 3 gifts from him- one being after we are together.

 

She played aloof and denies it was a jealousy thing. She won't tell me what she really thinks about it either since she knows I am right I think. I basically told her last night that I thought it was funny that she has a problem with the ps profile but I don't understand why she would have a problem with it, but I would delete it when she through out that hideous ****ing blanket (the xmas gift was this obnoxious purple blanket) and she laughed, but that was it.

 

Anyway, I am completely annoyed by the hypocrisy with this. I want to talk to her about how it's like this, but she's avoiding it. Is this a big deal? Should I just let it go? I had to stomach some serious jealousy and insecurity issues in the first two months so she could continue having an annoying orbiter. Some might argue the blanket serves a purpose but the profile doesn't, but for 50 bucks, get rid of that ex bf momento, IMO.

 

I have a Ph.D. in Orbiters and DoubleStandard and let me tell you it IS a big deal and she is bad news. This will not end well and her reaction towards the orbiter tells you all you need to know about where you stand. You need to end this relationship. Trust me on this.

[11012015]

Many/most women labor under a very common misconception - that many/most guys can be friends to them and nothing more. That's usually not actually so, but a lot of women think it anyway or like to tell themselves it's true.

 

So to get her to reject this guy's supposed friendship isn't just the fairly straightforward business it seems like to you. She has to first accept that she's not living in la-la land where ppl have no ulterior motives and men everywhere want to be "just friends." That's harder than it seems bc the result for her is a much colder, harder world, as opposed to the whole thing being just a straightforward day-to-day decision like it is for you.

 

Thank you so much for being honest about this. It is refreshing to hear it from a female, even though I know it to be 100% true.

[LoveRefreshed]

See, I agree with you guys- normally I wouldn't keep an ex in my life if my gf hated her, but I do have to say that back in grad school, my I had a gf who was super jealous about how nice I was to my ex, but I was no where attracted to my ex at that point and there was no problem for me, so I didn't understand this. Anyway, now that I'm on the other side of the coin, I see I was causing my ex a lot of ****ty stomach turning just to avoid being a dick and kicking someone completely out of my life that I feel lukewarm about.

 

And I still don't to this day get it completely- The act of being friends with an ex, how is that disrespectful to the relationship? It's just a nice thing to do to avoid giving your partner reasons to feel jealous or insecure about.

 

The only thing so far that I can come up with are that I'm scared she'll emotional cheat, physically cheat, or leave me for him. All of those things require insecurity on my part and are jealous responses to being afraid of losing someone. I couldn't come up with a reason why she shouldn't be friends with a man that wants her so long as she's faithful to me in everyway.

Edited January 6, 2016 by LoveRefreshed

[11012015]

See, I agree with you guys- normally I wouldn't keep an ex in my life if my gf hated her, but I do have to say that back in grad school, my I had a gf who was super jealous about how nice I was to my ex, but I was no where attracted to my ex at that point and there was no problem for me, so I didn't understand this. Anyway, now that I'm on the other side of the coin, I see I was causing my ex a lot of ****ty stomach turning just to avoid being a dick and kicking someone completely out of my life that I feel lukewarm about.

 

And I still don't to this day get it completely- The act of being friends with an ex, how is that disrespectful to the relationship? It's just a nice thing to do to avoid giving your partner reasons to feel jealous or insecure about.

 

The only thing so far that I can come up with are that I'm scared she'll emotional cheat, physically cheat, or leave me for him. All of those things require insecurity on my part and are jealous responses to being afraid of losing someone. I couldn't come up with a reason why she shouldn't be friends with a man that wants her so long as she's faithful to me in everyway.

 

You are in denial.

[katiegrl]

See, I agree with you guys- normally I wouldn't keep an ex in my life if my gf hated her, but I do have to say that back in grad school, my I had a gf who was super jealous about how nice I was to my ex, but I was no where attracted to my ex at that point and there was no problem for me, so I didn't understand this. Anyway, now that I'm on the other side of the coin, I see I was causing my ex a lot of ****ty stomach turning just to avoid being a dick and kicking someone completely out of my life that I feel lukewarm about.

 

And I still don't to this day get it completely- The act of being friends with an ex, how is that disrespectful to the relationship? It's just a nice thing to do to avoid giving your partner reasons to feel jealous or insecure about.

 

A nice thing to do? LV, you can't be serious.

 

I am confused though... because above you ask how is it disrespectful (which it so obviously IS....), but in your OP you admitted yourself it was disrespectful.

 

Accept you think it is her ex who is being disrespectful, when in fact it is your girlfriend who is being disrespectful

 

She has defended her right to be his friend despite my feelings since she 'is not and never will be interested in him and he's a good friend'. She also told me she doesn't like jealous men and there is no reason to fear losing her to these other guys.

 

I've managed to deal with this issue because we've talked about it a lot and I've gotten her to agree to my boundaries with him and what I expect her to do if he disrespects our relationship again and that I won't tolerate her having a sugar daddy.

 

 

I agree with above poster.... you are in denial.

[LoveRefreshed]

I understand keeping exes around bothers people and you should get rid of them, but is it solely for the purpose to avoid making your current partner feeling insecure and jealous?

 

I am mad at her, and I'm not in denial. The gifts and money train has stopped.

[katiegrl]

Tried to edit my last post but could not.

 

LV....I do not agree that you should "lay down the law."

 

Clearly, being friends with her ex is more important to her than your feelings and your relationship ... so there is nothing you can say or do that will change that......therefore IMO you should walk.

 

I know you won't... which is your prerogative.... but like I said, none of this bodes well for a happy, healthy, mutually rewarding and respectful relationship.

 

Good luck though... hope it all works out in the end.

Edited January 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[11012015]

I am mad at her, and I'm not in denial.

 

Nobody who is in denial says I am in denial. If they knew they were in denial, they wouldn't be in that position. So stop saying you are not in denial. Denial can only be observed from outside. And we are telling you, you are in denial.

[11012015]

 

Clearly, being friends with her ex is more important to her than your feelings and your relationship ...

 

There you go. Let that sink in, Mr. Denial. And I say that with compassion. I hope you realize it before you truly get hurt.

[Wewon]

I understand keeping exes around bothers people and you should get rid of them, but is it solely for the purpose to avoid making your current partner feeling insecure and jealous?

 

I am mad at her, and I'm not in denial. The gifts and money train has stopped.

 

Speaking to this point and not the hypocrisy, its not really about banishing all ex's to Siberia never to be heard from again. Its more about having appropriate boundaries that don't intrude or cloud the relationship. This isn't just about your scenario, all threads about someone holding onto an ex is ultimately about a boundary being crossed. There may be 1000 different flavors but the fundamental problem is still the same.

 

I don't see a problem with an ex that you see at Superbowl parties, invite to a Holiday event or even to a wedding. However and ex should not be a supplement to your romantic relationship. Just like you didn't like him sending gifts, I doubt that you girlfriend would be chill and zen if your ex was over at your house "innocently" making chicken soup when you had the flu.

[LoveRefreshed]

lol and you ruined my edit.

 

I am not in denial about this guy. He cried and hyperventilalted [] when he found out she was moving in with me in a few months. Maybe I am about the respectful boundaries.

 

I just assume I need to master my insecurities and fear of abandonment, and I think that emotional response masks my abilities to rationalize why it's unhealthy behavior.

 

However, I have to note that these two have been friends for more than a decade (how long he's been pining for her, probably too) and their friendship started while she was married.

 

I think I would lose the war at first of a me vs. him battle, so I never did it as I expected them to have good boundaries. However, the gifts and his attempt to kiss her keep pushing those boundaries and that's when we finally talked about it.

 

Yes, I will walk if she continues to test my boundaries with this kind of things. No I won't walk tonight about a past problem that we have had resolved, but I will point out a lot of this the next time she brings up the ps account name again.

Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[katiegrl]

I understand keeping exes around bothers people and you should get rid of them, but is it solely for the purpose to avoid making your current partner feeling insecure and jealous?

 

I am mad at her, and I'm not in denial. The gifts and money train has stopped.

 

To me it has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity.

 

It is about respecting and protecting the integrity of your relationship. If he were a long time friend from childhood, with whom you were friends also (due to your relationship with her).... that would be different.

 

But he is an ex, someone she was previously in love with (and still may be) someone with whom she shared many intimacies with (and still may be).

 

You have also voiced your discomfort and unhappiness with it (rightfully so), to which she has disregarded in favor of remaining "friends" with her ex.

 

So what she's doing is valuing the feelings of her ex, and their relationship MORE than your feelings and the value of your relationship.

 

If you are okay with this....then carry on. I would not be, nor would most people.

 

But again, good luck wish you the best with it.

[Versacehottie]

Most of you have good responses. I guess I'm 31, not sure what Carhill considers young, and she is 29 and her ex bf is a 38 year old guy who is really emotionally immature. WHY ARE YOU BLAMING HIM SHE IS THE IMMATURE JERK STRINGING HIM ALONG FOR FAVORS AND GIFTS. EVEN FIXING HER GLASSES BECAUSE SHE IS TOO CHEAP, A NARCISSIST OR TRYING TO GET UNDER YOUR SKIN. HE SOUNDS LED ON WHICH IS DIFFERENT THAN IMMATURE>

 

My original problem is what others are saying- the guy still loves her and just is faking it by calling it 'friend'. I felt a victory when I got her to admit that after my first jealous feelings were betrayed. We had a good talk about how he is still in love with her and X Y and Z are all across boundaries because of it AND if he does it again, yes, I expect him gone from our lives or I will be gone from hers.

 

Anyway, to save you all from stories, I've basically made my point about boundaries and gifts from this twat nugget now that she knows her rules. I'm just shocked by her response when she was so unwavering about my acceptance of this emo unrequited back up boyfriend (I call him bub, standing for back up boyfriend, that I've told her what it stands for, which she finds funny).

 

Anyway, I think Jen is right. I thinks he lives in this world where she thinks guys can be just friends and that guys can manage their romantic interests in her once she has a bf. Despite not being worried about this last guy, it does make me question her boundaries with guys who are interested in her and how she is going to behave in return towards my female friends.

 

I've dealt with her ex bf staying twice at her place (me there) and once at his place out of state (this was when he tried to kiss her and I've since placed the rules now) and in the next two months, a very attractive and single friend of mine for 10+ years is coming to visit me and will be staying at my place. We have had two nights together and other than that have been in relationships for our friendship. So while there is some attractive, in the last 3 years, we've been platonic with no cheating on our partners with each other. I'm not worried about my friend, I am kind of interested to my see my gf's reaction though now. Might let her understand what I went through. Had my gf been more respectful, I would have considered her feelings in the visit (i.e. my friend will stay at my place, even if my gf is uncomfortable). PLANNING THE NEXT RETALIATION DOES NOT SOUND HEALTHY. YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO TRY TO KEEP PROVING YOUR POINT ABOUT PAST SLIGHTS BY HER. EITHER FORGIVE HER AND MOVE ON OR USE THE NEW EXAMPLES THAT CROP UP FROM HER TO MAKE YOUR FINAL DECISION AS DEALBREAKERS

 

I won't tolerate the double standard here because it shows she understood me, is jealous herself, and expecting me to be okay with something that she's not which indicates she knows that what she is doing causes a problem in our relationship. Makes me really concerned, that's why I think this is a bigger issue than just a stupid ps profile.

 

IT'S A BIG ISSUE ALRIGHT AND YOU BOTH ARE AT FAULT AT THIS POINT. ON A SIDE NOTE, SHE SOUNDS ANNOYING. LIKE SHE PLAYS GUYS AND YOU ARE JUST EATING IT UP RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS FINE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU HAVE SOME HIGHLY DESIRABLE GIRL BECAUSE OTHER GUYS ARE AFTER HER. HOW SHE HANDLES THESE THINGS ARE CHARACTER ISSUES--SHE IS NOT HANDLING THESE LIKE A HIGHLY DESIRABLE WOMAN, SO DON'T FOOL YOURSELF. OR KEEP BRAGGING LIKE THIS GUY IS HUNG UP ON HER AND YOU 'GOT' HER. SHE'S NOT A PRIZE, SOUNDS LIKE.

*sorry for the caps. it was only way to put my comments in there in organized fashion. ok, good luck love refreshed. you've had some great posts on here on other people's issues and i think, if I remember, right have given some great advice --don't f*ck up your own!!

[LoveRefreshed]

 

It is about respecting and protecting the integrity of your relationship. If he were a long time friend from childhood, with whom you were friends also (due to your relationship with her).... that would be different.

 

10 years (and characters)

[Wewon]

lol and you ruined my edit.

 

He cried and hyperventilalted [] when he found out she was moving in with me in a few months.

 

Okay, they're just friends.

 

When was the last time you hyper-ventilated and cried when one of your male friends moved in with his girlfriend?

 

There is something weird here and I hope that your gf recognizes it.

Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LoveRefreshed]

Lol, I like your seriousness Versace! Yeah yeah, I guess I'm in denial [] but I wouldn't tolerate this in normal circumstances. I'll figure it out, thanks guys for slapping me around a bit.

 

@Wewon - Nah, I finally got her to admit he's still madly in love with her and you should have seen her disappointment for a few hours that she couldn't live in denial that he wanted to be friends.

Edited January 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator