squatsNpeanutbutter Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) I'm looking for some much needed advice I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years. He's turning 35 and I'm 28. I've been having an ongoing issue with him... He very rarely if at all will talk or asks me anything about the future. ( I was the only one who would awkwardly bring it up so I've obviously stopped) We've had countless fights about this... I just don't understand if he can say all the things he says now and then not talk or say anything about the future. He always says he wants a future with me and all that and he says what he is doing now is saving up so he can be prepared for everything but... It jus doesn't feel right. It almost sounds like a cover up? Like he's totally OK with this present moment and this constant steady state. I'm ready and I'd like more. I never thought I'd end up with someone who was like this... He says if he thinks or talks about the future it'll distract him from doing the things he has to do now to prepare for it. I tried to understand where he's coming from but it's very hard. I always wanted to be with someone who was so crazy about me that he couldn't wait for the future, was excited and could voice all of this. Also he still lives at home... Before he met me he said he helped a lot at home so he wasn't fully able to save up that much But I'm left to wonder what's really going on? Is he a "failure to launch" have I wasted 2 + years of my life with this... I feel sick Just some advice please. I am so confused Edited August 19, 2015 by squatsNpeanutbutter
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 35 & still at home? What does his savings look like? How's his career? What kind of degree does he have? What does he do with his free time? I think I know most of those answers, but wanna hear them from you.
Author squatsNpeanutbutter Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 35 & still at home? What does his savings look like? How's his career? What kind of degree does he have? What does he do with his free time? I think I know most of those answers, but wanna hear them from you. He said he has over $20,000 saved. He spent a lot on his car( as per usual) he works in the production/radio industry. He makes well over 60,000 a year and next year he'll be making even more. I have my own career His spare time is usually him working, going to the gym or he's occasionally with me Sounds like a good package
stillafool Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 He's not interested in marrying you. Sorry but I've never been with a man that after 10 months he doesn't talk about a future with me. It's always been me to slow it down. I think he's still holding out. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 35 & still living at home? First red flag. If after 2 years he still won't talk about the future & your attempts to start such conversations result in fights, you need to assess your situation. As I see it, you have 5 choices: 1. Accept this is as good as it will ever get 2. continue to fight with him about it 3. Stay, say nothing & seethe inside until your anger & resentment bubble over 4. Give him an ultimatum 5. Walk away before you waste any more of your life. In a similar situation which went on far longer then it should I tried 3 until I finally picked 5. By the time I walked away I was so angry & resentful even when he came running after me with everything I ever said I wanted, I was too upset to listen. In my long run, it was better that he & I aren't together, at the very least because I never would have met & married DH otherwise. 2
Diezel Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Why don't you just come out and ask him? I figure after 2 years, it's perfectly fine to be blunt about your wants and needs. Stop wasting each other's time trying to wonder what he wants. What do YOU want? If what he wants doesn't match up, ditch him. 1
Vercetti Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 My wife had a ex that for seven years talked about this big move wanted to make. He lived with mom who he was helping, and we'll. Wife and I got together and less then a year later moved to a new city and we ( yes we ) built a cabin in the mountains. So you already know my perspective...how many years want to waste on a man in a relationship with his mom. 1
TunaCat Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 If after 2 years he avoids talking about having a future with you, he doesn't want a future with you. Plain and simple. Now you need to accept that and decide if you are okay with dating forever or if you want to break up and find someone who wants a future with you. I'm guessing you want the latter. 5
fitnessfan365 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 First of all, love the user name. Squats and peanut butter are two of my favorite things. Secondly, he seems far too comfortable in his life to plan for the future. Since I'm guessing that he doesn't like change, that's why he avoids talking about it. I mean he still lives at home. Hard to picture a future w-a guy that doesn't even have his own place.
Sweet Workaholic Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 You haven't wasted any time. The guy you are going to fall for and marry and raise a family with wasn't available two years ago. Seriously! Plus you've learned a ton and are going to have better skills when you meet your future husband. But it's not this guy. There is a slight chance he'll come around if you call the question. I would not give him an ultimatum however - that leaves the ball in his court and he'll talk you to death and avoid answering the question indefinitely. Just break up with him kindly, and tell him why. 'I will always care for you but I'm ready for more ... Etc" In the (small) chance he realizes he wants you more than his current sloth, he'll come back in a week and propose. The advantage of doing it this way is its one step instead of two (ultimatum followed by breakup), it demonstrates that you are dead serious, and it gets you to where you probably need to be (single) fastest. Best wishes whatever you decide to do 5
LilaMarie Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I agree with everyone's reply. I've dated some guys in the past and they want to live in Neverland, which is fine but not with me. Most guys don't want responsibility nowadays. I hope you find what you are looking for. 1
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 A man that is truly in love KNOWS he wants a future with you and does WANT to talk about it. The minute a man starts to drag his heels, you have lost him. Get the f out. 3
Arieswoman Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 squatsNpeanutbutter, maybe this book will help; Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl: Amazon.co.uk: Natalie Lue NML: 9781450540391: Books Good luck
sandylee1 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 35 and still at home....that would have been a big no for me. Then he isn't talking future and marriage....my plan of action would ask outright about the future. Then with no solid response I'd protect my heart and detach emotionally , then suggest that as he isn't quite so sure yet, we should date (but not sleep with others ). If he's fine with that you know he isn't serious about you, because he wouldn't risk loosing you. It gives you time to see others and find a guy on the same page as you are. He's 35 not 22. 1
Author squatsNpeanutbutter Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 We've had a few fights about this... Mostly me because I can't get around his way of thinking. He has always showed me so much love... A part of my knows he wants all of that in the future but I always wonder why he can't openly talk about it. His response is because when he's working towards a goal he doesn't want to focus on it to much because then he'll get distracted because he's not there yet... Last night I pretty much said our relationship is over... And I broke down because I am beyond frustrated and I still don't know why he can't fully understand where I'm coming from. But we talked and etc and I guess we're going to try to work this out... He wants me to have a little faith in him and he said he's always keeps his word (which he always does) but I am so confused And the whole "break" thug doesn't work... Plus he would never go for that. Ian so confused I really don't know what to do
Author squatsNpeanutbutter Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) We've had a few fights about this... Mostly me because I can't get around his way of thinking. He has always showed me so much love... A part of my knows he wants all of that in the future but I always wonder why he can't openly talk about it. His response is because when he's working towards a goal he doesn't want to focus on it to much because then he'll get distracted and discouraged because he's not there yet... His main response is he just needs to continue to save up more. Once he's closer to his goal amount then he'll be able to move forward and will be excited about talking about it since it seems realistic. I guess one would have hoped given his age and everything he would have had a bit more together. I guess I'm the stupid one Last night I pretty much said our relationship is over... And I broke down because I am beyond frustrated and I still don't know why he can't fully understand where I'm coming from. But we talked and etc and I guess we're going to try to work this out... He wants me to have a little faith in him and he said he's always keeps his word (which he always does) but I am so confused Edited August 20, 2015 by squatsNpeanutbutter
Diezel Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 He's not going to "work on it". You'll be back here in a few months asking about this again. 3
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 A relationship is a PARTNERSHIP, but in this case he is the one that is running the show. Your mistake is giving him all the control...your future doesn't depend on the both of you, it all depends on him. Not fair!! This is why he is still not married at 35 and has "hasn't got his s hit together". You should have put your foot down ages ago and let him know this isn't how you're gonna roll. 1
Mrin Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Sorry but once I saw 35 and still living at home, that's all I needed to know. You've got a Peter Pan there and I'm afraid this lack of future talk has less to do with you and more to do with the type of person he is. The guy still lives (mooches) off of his parents... at 35... with a 60K salary. He's in no place mentally to talk about a future with you. Even if he did, think about what that future would look like. He's 35 and stunted. I shudder at the thought of what that would be like to be married or even live with a guy like that. 2
salparadise Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 He's probably quite comfy living at home, going to work and having a girlfriend. Why would he want to take a risk and change all of that? The status quo is working quite well from his perspective. You're going to have to upset it figure out whether you are motivation enough for him to make big changes and take the risk. Packing your bags should get his attention. If not, then at least you got an answer to your question.
Diezel Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 His response is because when he's working towards a goal he doesn't want to focus on it to much because then he'll get distracted because he's not there yet... I have to say something to you in addition to what I've said earlier. The quoted section up there... NO successful person in life ever thought about goals in THAT way. I've never heard a single successful person ever say to me that they made it because they didn't focus on those goals because they'd be distracted by not being there yet. Any successful person reaches their goals because they are focused ON it and aren't distracted by anything else. Sorry, but he's always going to be a failure in your eyes. He's never going to change. He's 35, not 15.
Author squatsNpeanutbutter Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 First of all, love the user name. Squats and peanut butter are two of my favorite things. Secondly, he seems far too comfortable in his life to plan for the future. Since I'm guessing that he doesn't like change, that's why he avoids talking about it. I mean he still lives at home. Hard to picture a future w-a guy that doesn't even have his own place. I have to say something to you in addition to what I've said earlier. The quoted section up there... NO successful person in life ever thought about goals in THAT way. I've never heard a single successful person ever say to me that they made it because they didn't focus on those goals because they'd be distracted by not being there yet. Any successful person reaches their goals because they are focused ON it and aren't distracted by anything else. Sorry, but he's always going to be a failure in your eyes. He's never going to change. He's 35, not 15. I only mentioned that because he said that's what worked for him in the past as far as all his other goals. Wow I feel so stupid I don't know what to even think. Apart of me wants to work with him and have faith. I know he is trying and that his "home" life hasn't been the easiest with his family but I am confused it's scary
Diezel Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 What goals have worked out for him that he's 35, still at home and apparently zero level maturity when it comes to your relationship?
Vercetti Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Working on a goal, but does not want to focus on it to much. Come on, there at the very least should be a budget and general timeline in place with a stated goal. 36. Lives at home, there is little excuse not to already have resources stacked up to pull the trigger on something.
Vercetti Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Sorry but once I saw 35 and still living at home, that's all I needed to know. You've got a Peter Pan there and I'm afraid this lack of future talk has less to do with you and more to do with the type of person he is. The guy still lives (mooches) off of his parents... at 35... with a 60K salary. He's in no place mentally to talk about a future with you. Even if he did, think about what that future would look like. He's 35 and stunted. I shudder at the thought of what that would be like to be married or even live with a guy like that. 60K$ NO excuse my bloody cabincost 8K$, doing the electrical / plumbing / carptenry cost 5K$. Breaking ground was 4K$. There is no reason someone pulling that amount of money.living at home shouldn't have the resources to do something anything NOW.
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