Confused Teenager Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I was friends with this guy, Ben, for about 2.5 years (known him for a total of 3.5 years). We have both liked each other once before, but at different times. I liked him for 6 months during 9th grade (he didn't know at the time), and when I got over him in 10th grade I dated his best friend for 5 months and in the meantime got closer to Ben as a friend. I recently found out that during the 5 months I dated his best friend, he began developing feelings for me, too. Eventually, he moved on and and someone else to prom. Nothing ever happened bc she didn't like him back. Now that we are both in the 12th grade, we realize that we both like each other, this time at the same time - hurray! It's been almost 3 weeks since we've confessed our feelings and even though it might sound too soon, we are in a relationship. We figure that since we've been friends for so long that we can just jump right into it. However, pretty much none of his friends know that we are dating because he hasn't yet broken the news to his best friend. I've casually brought it up twice (while making sure not to pressure him), but he still hasn't talked with his friend. How long should I wait for him to tell his friend? What should I do? I feel very rejected at school when I see other couples doing cute stuff like holding hands in public, whereas Ben won't touch me and although he's very sweet in private, you could never tell that we were dating in public. I want him to be proud of dating me, not ashamed. I don't want to be hidden. Once I wanted to go this frozen yogurt shop, and he agreed, but when he recognized people from our school inside, he changed his mind and wanted to go somewhere else. Some background on my relationship with my ex: We dated for 5 months, but it was a pretty innocent relationship since we were both very inexperienced. Despite dating for 5 months, we never once kissed. My ex went abroad for 1.5 months over the summer, we slowly drifted apart emotionally, and when he came back it was obvious that he was developing feelings for his old crush so I broke up with him. It's been 1 year and 3 months since we broke up. Based on this I feel like Ben doesn't have that much to worry about, but he still hasn't talked to his friend.
carhill Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Short version is you're high school seniors and a lot of this stuff goes on at your age. It's how young people learn and settle out their personal styles of relating to others. I'm old enough to be your grandfather and there are people my age who are often loathe to 'come out' to friends about their intimate relationships until they're far down the road of commitment. Why? That's their style. If you don't feel this dating interaction is healthy for you and want it to be public and conspicuous and friends and family included, that's what you want. Express your wishes and accept the results. If you and your BF can't agree, then move on. There's a lot of that in life and these are good experiences to have. 1
Glitters Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 There could be many reasons. He could be a private person.He doesn't like PDA? He takes things seriously and wants others to know only if it's serious enough and there is long term potential? You can ask him or try bringing out in the open yourself. With the latter , I would like to warn you with the result 1
healingsoul Posted January 8, 2016 Posted January 8, 2016 It all depends on the person. My son who is 20 does not tell people until a few months because he wants to make sure the relationship is developed and has a healthy bond. Also, he doesn't want outside people bothering them and putting pressure on the relationship. Really the best thing you could do is talk to him openly and honestly about it. Tell him you are concerned and wonder what he is thinking. Does he simply want to protect your "status" from outside pressure or does he have another reason. Communication is always the first place to start.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I was friends with this guy, Ben, for about 2.5 years (known him for a total of 3.5 years). We have both liked each other once before, but at different times. I liked him for 6 months during 9th grade (he didn't know at the time), and when I got over him in 10th grade I dated his best friend for 5 months and in the meantime got closer to Ben as a friend. I recently found out that during the 5 months I dated his best friend, he began developing feelings for me, too. Eventually, he moved on and and someone else to prom. Nothing ever happened bc she didn't like him back. Now that we are both in the 12th grade, we realize that we both like each other, this time at the same time - hurray! It's been almost 3 weeks since we've confessed our feelings and even though it might sound too soon, we are in a relationship. We figure that since we've been friends for so long that we can just jump right into it. However, pretty much none of his friends know that we are dating because he hasn't yet broken the news to his best friend. I've casually brought it up twice (while making sure not to pressure him), but he still hasn't talked with his friend. How long should I wait for him to tell his friend? What should I do? I feel very rejected at school when I see other couples doing cute stuff like holding hands in public, whereas Ben won't touch me and although he's very sweet in private, you could never tell that we were dating in public. I want him to be proud of dating me, not ashamed. I don't want to be hidden. Once I wanted to go this frozen yogurt shop, and he agreed, but when he recognized people from our school inside, he changed his mind and wanted to go somewhere else. Some background on my relationship with my ex: We dated for 5 months, but it was a pretty innocent relationship since we were both very inexperienced. Despite dating for 5 months, we never once kissed. My ex went abroad for 1.5 months over the summer, we slowly drifted apart emotionally, and when he came back it was obvious that he was developing feelings for his old crush so I broke up with him. It's been 1 year and 3 months since we broke up. Based on this I feel like Ben doesn't have that much to worry about, but he still hasn't talked to his friend. Hi, The most telling way to analyze this is not to compare your (lack of PDA's as a couple) to other couples in your school. In order to see anything wrong in what you are observing, you would have to know that "Ben" has in the past been affectionate in public with previous girlfriends. My guess is that you won't be able to cite previous girlfriends with whom you have seen Ben showing affection in public. Some people are just like that, and many got it from their parents. I don't think it necessarily means anything regarding how much he cares for you, unless you tell us that you have previously known Ben to be very affectionate in public. And yes, we know it must be something you are really eager to feel... the public indication that this is your boyfriend, and that he (cares enough about you to be so bold in front of everyone). I just don't think it is a reflection of how much he cares - some people are just that way...
kendahke Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Is Ben still tight with your ex? That could be the problem. He might not want to rub his boy's face in the fact that you and he are now seeing one another. Even if you broke things off--your ex might have talked to Ben about his feelings and now that Ben is seeing you, he may feel conflicted by going after his boy's girl. Some guys, even though they've broken up with you, feel territorial. Ben may not want to have to fight his boy if your ex takes it to that extreme. I'd say give Ben some time and understand that while you may not give a rip about your ex, Ben may not feel as dismissive of him. 1
mortensorchid Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I have only two things to say about this situation: 1) You are both in high school - You will find out that high school never ends after you have graduated from high school, to be sure. But keep in mind that you are just what you are, still in high school. You are both going to change and learn a lot of things, they aren't always going to be happy or pleasant things either. You're not adults yet, and as so you're going to find out the highs and lows of an adult relationship is and is not. 2) PDA - I am here to tell you that you are going to be stung hard by others if and when you are in the midst of PDA. It doesn't matter if it's around friends or strangers, people feel oddly jealous and angry about it. It's best if you don't do much of it. I am now a teacher, and I can't let anyone touch me in public other than a handshake. Don't believe me? Wait until it happens to you and you will know.
Author Confused Teenager Posted January 9, 2016 Author Posted January 9, 2016 There could be many reasons. He could be a private person.He doesn't like PDA? He takes things seriously and wants others to know only if it's serious enough and there is long term potential? You can ask him or try bringing out in the open yourself. With the latter , I would like to warn you with the result Hi, The most telling way to analyze this is not to compare your (lack of PDA's as a couple) to other couples in your school. In order to see anything wrong in what you are observing, you would have to know that "Ben" has in the past been affectionate in public with previous girlfriends. My guess is that you won't be able to cite previous girlfriends with whom you have seen Ben showing affection in public. Some people are just like that, and many got it from their parents. I don't think it necessarily means anything regarding how much he cares for you, unless you tell us that you have previously known Ben to be very affectionate in public. And yes, we know it must be something you are really eager to feel... the public indication that this is your boyfriend, and that he (cares enough about you to be so bold in front of everyone). I just don't think it is a reflection of how much he cares - some people are just that way... Yes, he does have a sort of private, somewhat shy personality. He's never been in a relationship before. However, last May he asked a girl to prom surrounded by 5-10 friends (including me) who were there. He put his arm around her despite being in front of so many people, and when they got their prom photos taken, he wasn't afraid of changing his Facebook profile picture to a pic of the two of them. In comparison I feel so hidden...no one knows that we are dating but for 3 of my close friends and one of his friends who goes to another school. And to be more precise, I'm not really upset about the fact that people don't know, but by the possibility that he's hiding me because he's ashamed of being with me and that I can't freely interact with him at school. We're bf/gf, but at school we both put on a front and I have to treat him like another one of my guy friends. Really the best thing you could do is talk to him openly and honestly about it. Tell him you are concerned and wonder what he is thinking. Does he simply want to protect your "status" from outside pressure or does he have another reason. Communication is always the first place to start. You are right...But I'm going to wait 3 more weeks (after semester finals) and sees if he confesses to his friend by then on his own. If not, then I'll have to bring this up to him. Is Ben still tight with your ex? That could be the problem. He might not want to rub his boy's face in the fact that you and he are now seeing one another. Even if you broke things off--your ex might have talked to Ben about his feelings and now that Ben is seeing you, he may feel conflicted by going after his boy's girl. Some guys, even though they've broken up with you, feel territorial. Ben may not want to have to fight his boy if your ex takes it to that extreme. I'd say give Ben some time and understand that while you may not give a rip about your ex, Ben may not feel as dismissive of him. Yes, they're best friends. However, when I had broken up with my ex (John), I had asked Ben (mutual close friend at the time) if my ex was as torn up over the break up as I was. Yes, I was the one to break up with him, but only did so bc I saw him starting to fall for an old crush while ignoring me in the meantime. I had two talks with John about my feelings before breaking up, but he didn't change or stop...Ben admitted to me that John seemed fine immediately after the breakup and in the following months he said John never once brought me up. During this time John continued to pursue the girl and went with her to prom, although he hasn't dated anyone since me. HE certainly dismissed my feelings, so you're probably right that it's not a surprise I am more dismissive of his feelings than Ben is. I have only two things to say about this situation: 1) You are both in high school - You will find out that high school never ends after you have graduated from high school, to be sure. But keep in mind that you are just what you are, still in high school. You are both going to change and learn a lot of things, they aren't always going to be happy or pleasant things either. You're not adults yet, and as so you're going to find out the highs and lows of an adult relationship is and is not. 2) PDA - I am here to tell you that you are going to be stung hard by others if and when you are in the midst of PDA. It doesn't matter if it's around friends or strangers, people feel oddly jealous and angry about it. It's best if you don't do much of it. I am now a teacher, and I can't let anyone touch me in public other than a handshake. Don't believe me? Wait until it happens to you and you will know. I agree with your first point. I learned a lot after my last relationship, such as having a better (though not yet complete) idea of what I want in a guy and in a relationship. With my ex, I often failed to bring up a lot of things that were bothering me, so this time I'm trying to be better at that, but I'm still in the midst of learning how to properly communicate my feelings. I know it's only high school, and it's highly unlikely to last, but still...I want to make the best of everything. I don't want a lot. I don't want to be that couple who kisses and makes out in public. But I do want to be able to hold hands occasionally. To eat lunch alone with him every now and then. Just small stuff...
Glitters Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 I'm a very open person and share my life with everyone after speaking to them for 5 minutes, lol ! What I know about private people is that they like privacy about things that they are sensitive about and don't want to become a topic of gossip among others. there could be many reasons for the why but I wouldn't advice to go around breaking his privacy as it's going to harm your relationship with him. Your relationship together is more important than the world seeing you holding hands ! If it's something very important to you then maybe you both have incompatibility on some things and this being the beginning of getting to know each other
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Ben needs to grow a set. I feel his buddy would be more deceived at the fact that he has kept this secret. If I was in his friend's shoes I would wonder why my BFF couldn't trust me with the news.
kendahke Posted January 9, 2016 Posted January 9, 2016 Yes, they're best friends. However, when I had broken up with my ex (John), I had asked Ben (mutual close friend at the time) if my ex was as torn up over the break up as I was. Yes, I was the one to break up with him, but only did so bc I saw him starting to fall for an old crush while ignoring me in the meantime. I had two talks with John about my feelings before breaking up, but he didn't change or stop...Ben admitted to me that John seemed fine immediately after the breakup and in the following months he said John never once brought me up. During this time John continued to pursue the girl and went with her to prom, although he hasn't dated anyone since me. HE certainly dismissed my feelings, so you're probably right that it's not a surprise I am more dismissive of his feelings than Ben is. Still, even though John broke up with you, Ben might not want John to know that he's going in behind him to be with you as he may feel he's betraying his boy. Ben's loyalty at this stage of the game is more with John than you if he's best friends with him and given his age, if given the choice between the two, he may rather lose you than lose John's friendship, hence him not acknowledging you in public. Just be prepared for that.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 Yes, he does have a sort of private, somewhat shy personality. He's never been in a relationship before. However, last May he asked a girl to prom surrounded by 5-10 friends (including me) who were there. He put his arm around her despite being in front of so many people, and when they got their prom photos taken, he wasn't afraid of changing his Facebook profile picture to a pic of the two of them. In comparison I feel so hidden...no one knows that we are dating but for 3 of my close friends and one of his friends who goes to another school. And to be more precise, I'm not really upset about the fact that people don't know, but by the possibility that he's hiding me because he's ashamed of being with me and that I can't freely interact with him at school. We're bf/gf, but at school we both put on a front and I have to treat him like another one of my guy friends. You are right...But I'm going to wait 3 more weeks (after semester finals) and sees if he confesses to his friend by then on his own. If not, then I'll have to bring this up to him. I understand what you are saying, and admit that it could be an accurate read on Ben. But I also remind you that the prom thing is NOT as telling as you (kinda want to believe)... simply because, when you decide you want to attend a prom, it is (still, m-m-m-m-MOSTLY) the case that you "have to" (not really, of course) woman up and ask someone at some point. So all of the other factors tangent TO his (first deciding he wanted to go to that prom last year) only count once, as his big, bold effort at asking.... she says "yes"... you breathe a heavy sigh of relief... and everyone (who gossips at all) KNOWS that you and she went to the prom together... (so posting pictures is NOT a new revelation) So I still don't feel for sure that it applies to everyday life... (in the same way).
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