Radio_Religion Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 To make a very long story short, I have been in a relationship with a girl for two years now. We dated for about a year before we decided to live together. This girl is hands down the most loving, caring, and sweetest girlfriend I have ever had. I am her first relationship ever and she thinks the world of me. I don't think I've ever been as comfortable with any other girlfriend I've had and its great. Now the downside - I am honestly no longer attracted to her and have zero desire for sex with her at this point. While she is a girl of many great qualities, I convinced myself to look past a lot of things I didn't like physically because I felt they were shallow/superficial. For instance, she dresses way down and as a result, often appears more like a Jr. High school student rather than a girl in her mid 20's. Furthermore, I am her first sexual experience, and she views it as the greatest thing in the world. However, I cannot lie, because frankly we just don't have that chemistry in bed. I have to coach her through everything; and while shes very open, it almost doesn't feel genuine. It tears me up inside to think about leaving her knowing the damage it would cause. She's been my entire world these past two years. But truth be told I find myself fantasizing more and more about past relationships and other girls, which only adds to my guilt. Living together also complicates a potential breakup as i know it would be a huge hassle for the both of us. I've tried convincing myself to stop being shallow as I have been dumped in the past over things I felt were superficial and know the heartbreak it causes. At the same time, deep down inside it feels like I'm almost living a lie. I feel like i got to this point by just "going through the motions" and never really questioning myself in the process. My question is, how do you handle a situation like this when living together? We are in a one bedroom apartment in a town where neither of us has family. I have to admit I am hugely hesitant to make any sort of move at this point out of sheer fear of hurting her, and then having to sleep in the same bed night after night. Am i totally screwed?!
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Do not continue to sleep in the same bed after breaking up. Can you stay with a friend while you both look for alternate long-term accommodations? I have lived with two boyfriends, but we did not continue to stay in the same place after breaking up. In the first case, I actually moved back to my parents (though I understand this isn't possible in your situation) In the second case, my ex moved in temporarily with his friend who lived in the same city. I know he also stayed some nights with his brother who lived in the next city over. I stayed in the apartment for almost a year after we split but we never spent any time together in the apartment after the night we ended our relationship. You need to carefully consider the logistics if you go through with this break-up. 1
Author Radio_Religion Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 Thanks Expat. In your case, were the move outs immediate or did it take a few days? I'm petrified at what's to come because I honestly cannot foresee a clean break here. The apartment were in is one i had originally, but then we agreed to split the lease. That said, if I were to leave she could not afford it. The more practical thing would be for me to stay and for her to find a new place. Though I'm sure that will take some time. This is not a very large apartment so avoiding each other simply won't be possible. I can sleep on the couch, but who knows how long that could last.
SpiralOut Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 When I broke up with my last bf, he stayed with a friend for a couple of weeks while he looked for a place, then on moving day he came back for all his stuff. I was the only one able to deal with the rent by myself, so I signed the paperwork to remove his name from the lease, then I lived there for about 9 months until the lease ended. Unless there is a housing shortage in your area, it shouldn't take her that long to find a new place. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 When I broke up with my EX it was my home. He slept in the guest room for about 2 weeks while he arranged a new place to live. When is your lease up? Do you expect to leave & stick her with the apartment? Do you expect her to move? Is there any chance that if she improved her wardrobe & maybe read The Joy Of Sex or some other similar book that your feelings would return?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Thanks Expat. In your case, were the move outs immediate or did it take a few days? I'm petrified at what's to come because I honestly cannot foresee a clean break here. The apartment were in is one i had originally, but then we agreed to split the lease. That said, if I were to leave she could not afford it. The more practical thing would be for me to stay and for her to find a new place. Though I'm sure that will take some time. This is not a very large apartment so avoiding each other simply won't be possible. I can sleep on the couch, but who knows how long that could last. In my case, both "move-outs" were immediate. In the first, my ex left to stay with a friend that night and my parents came to get me the next day. My ex broke the lease a couple months later but I continued to pay half the rent until that point because I had initiated the break-up. I moved all my stuff out over the course of those intervening months. In the second, my ex told me I could stay as long as I needed and he continued to pay half. He initiated the break-up and I think he knew I wouldn't be able to just up and get a new place right away. Also, although I didn't know it at the time, he'd had an affair so I think he was partly motivated by guilt. He still had all his stuff there (clothes, electronics, etc) but we never spent another night there together. He stayed with his best friend from the first night. I moved out about a year later; I don't know where he was during that entire time. He finally moved all his things and left the apartment for good about a week after I did so. You need to look into breaking your lease. Is it possible, and how much of a penalty will be incurred?
Author Radio_Religion Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 When I broke up with my EX it was my home. He slept in the guest room for about 2 weeks while he arranged a new place to live. When is your lease up? Do you expect to leave & stick her with the apartment? Do you expect her to move? Is there any chance that if she improved her wardrobe & maybe read The Joy Of Sex or some other similar book that your feelings would return? My lease isn't up for another 6 months unfortunately. Though I will be the one initiating, she will almost certainly need to be the one to move out at this point. While there is not a shortage of housing where i live (major metro area), it is also very expensive. She could not pay the rent/bills on her own if i were to remove my name from the lease and give it to her. The penalties for breaking the lease at this point would probably cost around $2,500 or so. I truly wish an improved wardrobe and a slight amount of "spicing things up" would fix how I feel. But the honest truth is, I feel like I'm almost at a point of no return. Aside from the appearance matter, her sweet, calm, caring nature also comes with the fact that she can be unbearably shy. While I know this isn't necessarily a horrible trait, my perception of her over time has gone from seeing her as a romantic interest, to viewing her more as a person that I deeply care about, but have no sexual interest in. In essence, i feel like she is a truly great friend that I care deeply about. Which makes this all the more difficult for me.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 My lease isn't up for another 6 months unfortunately. Though I will be the one initiating, she will almost certainly need to be the one to move out at this point. While there is not a shortage of housing where i live (major metro area), it is also very expensive. She could not pay the rent/bills on her own if i were to remove my name from the lease and give it to her. The penalties for breaking the lease at this point would probably cost around $2,500 or so. I truly wish an improved wardrobe and a slight amount of "spicing things up" would fix how I feel. But the honest truth is, I feel like I'm almost at a point of no return. Aside from the appearance matter, her sweet, calm, caring nature also comes with the fact that she can be unbearably shy. While I know this isn't necessarily a horrible trait, my perception of her over time has gone from seeing her as a romantic interest, to viewing her more as a person that I deeply care about, but have no sexual interest in. In essence, i feel like she is a truly great friend that I care deeply about. Which makes this all the more difficult for me. Does she know you've been feeling this way? This is a tough situation because I imagine this will hit her very hard, and she will probably be in no shape to leave immediately. (emotionally or financially) Do you have any friends who might be willing to let you crash with them for a little, so as to provide some physical space? As I said before, sleeping in the same bed isn't a wise idea at all. Worst-case scenario is that you tough it out on the couch for a bit while you figure out the logistics.
SpiralOut Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 While there is not a shortage of housing where i live (major metro area), it is also very expensive. Aside from the appearance matter, her sweet, calm, caring nature also comes with the fact that she can be unbearably shy. Is it possible for her to look for shared accommodation? Even though she is shy, she can probably find someone(s) looking to rent out a room in an apartment or townhouse somewhere. She would just have to ask the right questions to make sure it would be a good fit (no loud party animals). Or sometimes families will rent out a room or a floor in their house and pretty much leave their tenant alone. Where was she living prior to moving in with you?
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 You do need to talk to her sooner rather than later. Do you have an idea what options she has -- a good GF whose couch she can crash on in the short term while she looks for a roommate? Can she move home? After the initial drama when you announce you want her to move, while you stay put since it was your apartment & she can't afford it anyway, if you have some concrete solutions for her that would be kind.
Author Radio_Religion Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 You do need to talk to her sooner rather than later. Do you have an idea what options she has -- a good GF whose couch she can crash on in the short term while she looks for a roommate? Can she move home? After the initial drama when you announce you want her to move, while you stay put since it was your apartment & she can't afford it anyway, if you have some concrete solutions for her that would be kind. These are all very helpful suggestions and it is much appreciated. Sadly I do not think that there will be an option for either her or I to temporarily relocate to a friends place. Since this is such a high rent area, a lot of her friends share rooms in homes or cram into small apartments. While I'm confident that she could find herself a decent room to rent, I would estimate that it takes at least a month or two. I was thinking of telling her that she could go ahead and stop paying her share of the rent here so that she can save up for a new place. I will also be willing to help cover moving costs since this is my undoing. By far the biggest struggle I have now is mustering up the courage to say these things. She knows that I have been feeling down, but she seems to think it's more of a "down" period for me rather than it having to do with our relationship. Logically, I know it's unfair to keep things moving along the way they are, when in reality, my heart just isn't there anymore. Feels almost sinister to break up with someone who's been as good as she has.
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 My experience when I threw my EX out was that addressing the situation I put him in (having to move) with kindness & empathy helped. Offering to not have her pay rent so she can save seems sweet but do have a deadline by when she has to move out. I did extend my EX's move out date by 5 days because his new place wasn't ready. We did have a larger space then you do. I also worked a LOT of overtime while he was still here just to avoid him.
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