this is getting intense

[tuxedo cat]

We had a really nice night. He introduced me to his best friend, who was a cool guy too. The more time I spend with J, the more my feelings grow. He is a great storyteller, and last night when he was getting animated telling me about his first job, doing hilarious impressions, I thought to myself, "I want him to be mine." Despite his insecurities, he comes off as very socially confident (and masculine) in a way I admire since I'm shy. I do like shy guys too but extroversion+smart in a guy is another type of sexy that I appreciate. When we were cuddling later he squeezed me and asked, "are you ready for a relationship?" I said, "yes." He asked, "Are you mine?" I told him I was. We both deleted our Tinder and other accounts together. Finally it culminated with him whispering a few hours later, "I think love you." And then finally later he just said before I fell asleep, "I love you, Tux." I know it's all really soon - we've only seen each other five times - but we are definitely developing a bond.

 

I still have concerns for sure. I don't really believe in slow burn relationships...I think that most relationships that stick, start out a bit intensely, but the problem is so do a lot of relationships that end. Unfortunately people remember the dramatic ends of the intense ones more than the quiet deaths of the slow burns. There have been few slow burn relationships I've known that have gone the distance and been satisfying for both partners. Not saying they don't exist; I just think they're just less common.

 

His relationship history is also a little scattered. He says he hasn't had a serious relationship since college (he's 34) and it's mostly because he's picky (or so his friends always tell him) or the timing has been wrong. Like he would date girls and couldn't get into it because he was too distracted by other things or wasn't mature enough. He told me that in his mid twenties all of his friends were coupling up with girls...like they would basically settle for whomever they were dating at the time and now most of those relationships are falling apart. He said he doesn't believe in settling or forcing something and that either a connection is there or it's not. At a few points he said I'm "marriage material" and said obviously it's too early to discuss marriage but he sees that potential with me. He said that he really respects the fact that I'm both sweet but also honest with him and "call him on [his] ****." He told me when I brought up exclusivity so soon made him respect me even more because it was honest and vulnerable.

 

I asked him about taking me out more and he apologized about having me over too much and said he'll put an end to that and said he really wants to take me to this museum he thinks I'd like followed by a dinner later this week. He also suggested we take a trip to Nashville or somewhere south some weekend for the hell of it (to get away from the cold).

 

We're going to have sex once my period is over with him on the pills. I can't wait to feel him inside me and look into his eyes.

 

Yes, I have doubts about the speed of it all but I'm definitely falling for him.

Edited January 12, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[TheTraveler]

I am new around here, and if this is what you choose. That is your choice. I do not see how you have 1200+ posts on here and this is what you choose to go for?

[tuxedo cat]

I am new around here, and if this is what you choose. That is your choice. I do not see how you have 1200+ posts on here and this is what you choose to go for?

 

.........?

[tuxedo cat]

Okay, J messaged me earlier that he bought Broadway tickets for us on Friday night to see a critically acclaimed play starring one of my favorite actors. That's a strong come back from bro-ing out with guac and chips.

Edited January 13, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[Leigh 87]

How's it going?

 

Any updates

[JourneyLady]

I haven't been here in a long while, but I just need to mention that the things he said to you are so much like the things my 5-year abusive ex said to me that I'd think it was the same person if it weren't for the age difference.

 

Honestly, you don't think he knows your inner reactions to the things he says? It appears deliberately manipulative, to a person who spent several years being manipulated. Every woman wants to believe she is "special" and "different than other women". Men can spout that stuff to "snag" us, even if they themselves don't believe it. We are special at the time, because the hormones are all worked up, they can hope and dream of what they want to believe we are like. (And we believe it because vice versa.)

 

Certain kinds of men can project this "I am open" persona, but you have to beware... Developing fast feelings also mean you can wake up one day and suddenly "I'm not feeling it for you today and don't want to take you anywhere.", even though you haven't done anything wrong.

 

My 5 year abusive ex was an expert at this, and the trauma I suffered at his hands... He analyzed and judged me all the time once the hormones wore off, we'd split and then he'd use the same lines to get me back when he'd used up whatever other possibilities he had out there.

 

Those of us that are emotional creatures BOND with sex, and tend to go through hellfire to "save" a relationship - even when we are just being used, or even if it's a relationship of convenience for the guy. This is not a type you want -- there will be lots of ups and down and you will not be allowed to have a complaint once he has "got" you.

 

Thank God all men are not like this, but the ones with this type of patter that makes it look like they are self-aware... He has told you what other women think of him. Believe them! Run like hell...

 

(I know you prolly won't because the endorphins have already sucked you in. You will lose yourself in such a relationship. Me, I had to move across country to finally break away! Best move I ever made!)

[Leigh 87]

Don't listen to them, tuxedo.

 

I've had Internet strangers all tell me that my bf is a sociopath when he has done nothing but treat me well and been wonderful for months.

 

Find out for yourself.

 

I know that men that say you're "different " and who tend to fall hard for you arw USUALLY either disingenuous OR, worse still, have mental problems that make them cling onto ALL women they date very tightly.

 

Just because MOST guys who come on strong and seemingly fall fast end up as duds that doesn't mean YOUR guy is one (a dud ).

 

As I said, my friends bf fell really hard for her and knew she was different and they are blissfully happy years later despite the intense beginning. My own bf is still here despite the "you're different to anything I've experienced " spiel.

 

The best relationships start out with wild attraction and intense emotions. As long as he handles himself well and does go talking marriage or babies anytime soon, I say give him a fair chance and enjoy.

 

Don't pay too much attention to those opinions of online strangers who have never met you nor your boyfriend. I swear, people sit and read all about sociopaths and the like and they automatically project their own bad experiences onto virtual strangers.

 

My friends bf came on super strong too, gave her the key to his apartment after a week, told her how he was totally averse to having a relationship yet SHE captivated him so much that he just couldn't help himself! So alarm bills were ringing yet they are madly in love years later.

[abby_tx]

i love you's after 5 dates? i'm gonna a need an update too.

[tuxedo cat]

I haven't been here in a long while, but I just need to mention that the things he said to you are so much like the things my 5-year abusive ex said to me that I'd think it was the same person if it weren't for the age difference.

 

Honestly, you don't think he knows your inner reactions to the things he says? It appears deliberately manipulative, to a person who spent several years being manipulated. Every woman wants to believe she is "special" and "different than other women". Men can spout that stuff to "snag" us, even if they themselves don't believe it. We are special at the time, because the hormones are all worked up, they can hope and dream of what they want to believe we are like. (And we believe it because vice versa.)

 

Certain kinds of men can project this "I am open" persona, but you have to beware... Developing fast feelings also mean you can wake up one day and suddenly "I'm not feeling it for you today and don't want to take you anywhere.", even though you haven't done anything wrong.

 

My 5 year abusive ex was an expert at this, and the trauma I suffered at his hands... He analyzed and judged me all the time once the hormones wore off, we'd split and then he'd use the same lines to get me back when he'd used up whatever other possibilities he had out there.

 

Those of us that are emotional creatures BOND with sex, and tend to go through hellfire to "save" a relationship - even when we are just being used, or even if it's a relationship of convenience for the guy. This is not a type you want -- there will be lots of ups and down and you will not be allowed to have a complaint once he has "got" you.

 

Thank God all men are not like this, but the ones with this type of patter that makes it look like they are self-aware... He has told you what other women think of him. Believe them! Run like hell...

 

(I know you prolly won't because the endorphins have already sucked you in. You will lose yourself in such a relationship. Me, I had to move across country to finally break away! Best move I ever made!)

 

What things did he say to me that you found most alarming or reminiscent of your ex?

[JourneyLady]

What things did he say to me that you found most alarming or reminiscent of your ex?

 

Much of it centers around... " I am unique and real. I get that. And it sometimes strikes a heavy chord in girls. They get super into me quickly, some super extreme...but then when the idealism wears off it's like waking up next to a stranger for them. "

 

IF he were that empathetic, he could probably have been able to discern why it's like waking up to a stranger - why did they not know who he was inside? He's telling you right there, that like the path you are treading, they suddenly see he is not as he seems... There are certain guys that are like that - all open and conversational and self-disclosing; until they've got you.

 

Another thing to look for is if they ask a LOT of questions about your past - so that you reveal what bothers you, what your previous relationships were like. I have had that information used against me judgmentally to tear down my self-esteem. Such as "When you say that, I think it's self-destructive. I'll bet that's what bothered (my ex-husband) and that's why he divorced you."

 

[in truth, that had NOTHING to do with my divorce or how things went down. In addition, the thing I said was a casual conversation based on a dream I was describing and just a comment on my childhood - not at all deeply felt and not an "injury" I carry around with me. It was used against me to help me feel I was not up to par, like a lot of other comments around things I had revealed about myself.]

 

AND

 

In the beginning there were lots of "pulls" about how "special" I was, and "different from other women" and "how lucky he was that I was in his life". Once pulled in, there was a complete negation of that.

 

You won't get those kinds of comments from someone who doesn't know you well, unless they are trying to manipulate - at least not from someone who has matured in a good way. Or it means that you "seem like" some fantasy girl they have in their heads and once your reality is revealed, you will not be treated like that fantasy girl anymore.

 

Manufactured compliments center around intangibles that they couldn't possibly know so early on. We all "fill in the blanks" in our knowledge of the other person with what we hope is there. Some realize that - some don't.

 

Real compliments start with real things, like "I like your dress" or "I'm attracted to your hair". Watch for real compliments, ignore the hard sell "I'm so into you" kinds of comments. Keep it real!

 

I'm a bit sleepy this morning, so I may not be getting across what I mean - I hope it can be understood...

[tuxedo cat]

I'll write more later but I'm really crazy about him. We had a great weekend together.

Edited January 18, 2016 by tuxedo cat