clia Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 He's so cute though. Personality wise he reminds me a bit of Robin Williams. I mentioned this and he said he gets it a lot. Not the manic side but the genuine warmth, light in his face and the curiosity about other ppl. He told me that we're "bro-ing" out tomorrow and watching the play offs. Looking forward to it. Seems like you've been "bro-ing" out for the past two "dates." I don't like it that you're running over to his place to watch movies and football and accepting that as a proper date. He could at least take you to a bar or restaurant to watch the game. He seems to say a lot, but I'm not convinced it isn't all blowtorching. All his talk about his flaws seems like a setup for blame when he disappoints you later. I guess we'll see if he ever follows through on all this talk with any action. If you want things to slow down, then you have to control the pace. Seeing him twice a week is plenty at this point. 6
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 So y'all STILL haven't left the house. We did on our first two dates and we have a movie date/dinner later this week, but that'll make three out of 6 dates at his apartment. I agree that I've been spending too much time at his place. I don't want to draw any conclusions quite yet but I'm getting the vibe that he's maybe a bit selfish/lazy.
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Eh seems to me you like him alot. I am a guy but if i was in your situation and a girl was acting toward me like he is i would be straight up honest with her and tell her ... "Look i like you alot and i think you are perfect the way you are so please dont mention how messed up you are anymore". If she kept bringing it up after that i would break up with her because that would mean theres something seriously wrong w her. Also if he cant get it up how come he doesnt use viagra or cialis ? He does use them (and then work well for him) but prefers to be natural so is going to try alternative methods before we have sex first. I've had my period the last couple of times so it's been a non issue.
dobielover Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 We did on our first two dates and we have a movie date/dinner later this week, but that'll make three out of 6 dates at his apartment. I agree that I've been spending too much time at his place. I don't want to draw any conclusions quite yet but I'm getting the vibe that he's maybe a bit selfish/lazy. These aren't "dates." Stop calling them dates. They are hanging out. He's not taking you out and dating you. He's hanging out with you. There's a world of difference here in the amount of effort and investment he's putting in. His words and actions really aren't matching. You're not paying attention.
dobielover Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 He's so cute though. Personality wise he reminds me a bit of Robin Williams. I mentioned this and he said he gets it a lot. Not the manic side but the genuine warmth, light in his face and the curiosity about other ppl. He told me that we're "bro-ing" out tomorrow and watching the play offs. Looking forward to it. Who took his own life. You find that attractive?????????
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 These aren't "dates." Stop calling them dates. They are hanging out. He's not taking you out and dating you. He's hanging out with you. There's a world of difference here in the amount of effort and investment he's putting in. His words and actions really aren't matching. You're not paying attention. I disagree with this. First off, we're not having sex - just cuddling and spending time together - so he's not using me for that. Secondly, he's asked several times to take me out but I've been too tired after work and have wanted to stay in instead. I'm not into formal dates generally. I like them on occasion but a 50/50 split feels right to me.
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Who took his own life. You find that attractive????????? There was a lot more to Robin Williams than how his life ended... 5
serial muse Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Last night was...interesting. I had a drink with my girlfriend and then headed uptown to his place. He wanted me to watch the end of a football game with him. I'm not into sports at all but found his enthusiasm and commentary cute. Afterwards we hung out and talked for like 6 hours, listening to Purple Rain. He seems to be really infatuated with me. It's a little scary. I like him but his feelings have outpaced mine at this point. This time I held my tongue and didn't bring up any "us" talk but I didn't need to because he kept volunteering things. It started when we were cuddling and he said, "I don't know what's wrong with me...I feel very attached to you already. I like you so much." Then, "I just want to be clear from our conversation on Thursday that we're definitely exclusive, right? Because that's what I want." And this is where it started to get crazy... He said, "I probably shouldn't tell you this because it's nuts but there were a couple of times tonight where I wasn't like thinking and I almost said the L word, it almost slipped out. I don't know why I'm feeling this way." I just giggled. I asked him whether he's the type of guy who falls for every girl he dates and he said, "No, not at all." And that he's never felt this strongly for a girl so fast. I asked him what it was and he said "honestly you're one of the nicest people I've ever met. It's in a very genuine, non forced way, not over the top or fake like some girls." He said, "you have this almost...this is going to sound weird but you have this almost angelic quality about you." I burst into laughter when he said that. He said he's perceptive about people and that he never understands when guys say to each other "there are plenty of fish in the sea and everyone is pretty much the same and replaceable" because to him every girl has a strikingly different energy. He told me that I have this uniquely soothing and loving energy that is unlike any girl he's ever met, that my warmth and affection is strong but also relaxed and not needy. It was nice to hear but didn't feel real. Not that he was being dishonest, but just clearly putting me on a pedestal. I told him I'm not angelic, that I am nice and genuine, but I have definite flaws, like I deal with a lot of anxiety/insecurity and I have a temper when people really cross me. It concerns me that he's idealizing me to this degree, making me feel like I don't have much wiggle room to be myself. He explained further that part of the reason he feels the way he does is that he opened up to me far sooner than he has with anyone else, friends included, because he feels safe with me. He said with girls having sex early makes them feel attached and vulnerable while with guys it's not sex but emotional disclosure. What else...He said that when he commits in his mind to a girl it's like a switch flips and it's really hard for him to go back. He said, "I'm going to treat you so well, Tux." That actually made me feel more positively about him, because I could hear in his voice that he was being honest. I'm starting to think, despite some of the red flaggy things he said earlier about his job and all, that he's pretty honest and that he would be a devoted boyfriend. Not one who would suddenly go cold when I came off the pedestal. Maybe I'm wrong but I just get this sense. I've dated guys before who fell for me hard and then suddenly shut me out when I did one thing wrong or sometimes for no reason at all. But those guys had a different quality from him. They weren't self aware about their issues and I never really trusted them from the start, like there was something that didn't quite add up about them. He makes more sense to me. One thing I really like is that there's no push/pull with him so far. When I kiss him he lights up, he doesn't pull away. Most guys are different in my experience, they get turned on by slight resistance, so it's like an exhausting chess game to keep them interested, especially for someone like me who is naturally affectionate. I don't know what to do...He wants to see me all the time now. He wanted to hang out today again, take me to brunch with his friends and watch some play off game or the golden globes tonight, but I needed a day off so I made an excuse. And he wants me to come over to his place after work for another game tomorrow night, and then take me to see Star Wars on Wednesday. I feel like I messed things up with my early relationship talk and I just wish things would go back to a normal pace. Tux, this worries me because both you and he seem to be very invested in you not "being like other girls". That is a total recipe for falling off a pedestal, because you are human and you can't make it about his emotional needs forever (this is why he's idealizing you!), and as clia says, when that happens he shows all the signs of a person who will turn on you. I find the above really worrisome - he doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. He sounds manipulative. It doesn't really make a difference if he isn't self-aware about his manipulation; it's still working on your brain that you have to be "perfect" to fulfill his idealization of you, and at some point all the spinning plates are going to fall. That whole "not like other girls" thing is a huge trap. 5
dobielover Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I disagree with this. First off, we're not having sex - just cuddling and spending time together - so he's not using me for that. Secondly, he's asked several times to take me out but I've been too tired after work and have wanted to stay in instead. I'm not into formal dates generally. I like them on occasion but a 50/50 split feels right to me. You're not having sex because he can't perform, not for a lack of trying. And it's not 50/50. This whole thing smacks of desperation, and not on his part, honestly. 3
clia Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I disagree with this. First off, we're not having sex - just cuddling and spending time together - so he's not using me for that. Secondly, he's asked several times to take me out but I've been too tired after work and have wanted to stay in instead. I'm not into formal dates generally. I like them on occasion but a 50/50 split feels right to me. You said above that he got you off twice on date 3. While it's technically not penetrative sex, it's pretty darn close if you are having orgasms with this guy. It's still a very intimate couch date and a far cry from just cuddling. If you don't like formal dates, that's fine, but by going informal so quickly you end up with intimacy much, much faster. 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) These aren't "dates." Stop calling them dates. They are hanging out. He's not taking you out and dating you. He's hanging out with you. There's a world of difference here in the amount of effort and investment he's putting in. His words and actions really aren't matching. You're not paying attention. My boyfriend is crazy about me yet he simply couldn't afford to take me out. We just hung out at home. Yet we clicked so well and it was still euphoric despite the lack of dinner dates. He turned out super generous too and spoilt me whenever he had any money. He just didn't have expendable money regularly enough to warrant taking me out for dates once a week initially. He had to save for a few weeks before treating me. Maybe Tuxedos guy can't afford to take her out every date? Edited January 11, 2016 by Leigh 87 1
mattelipstick Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I disagree with this. First off, we're not having sex - just cuddling and spending time together - so he's not using me for that. Secondly, he's asked several times to take me out but I've been too tired after work and have wanted to stay in instead. I'm not into formal dates generally. I like them on occasion but a 50/50 split feels right to me. He got you off several times just by cuddling and talking? He may not be putting his penis into your vagina, but these are not "dates" or just "spending quality time." This is watching football on his couch and messing around. Which sounds like a pretty great evening to me, frankly -- but with a guy I know. Not a guy I just met and have barely spent any time outside of the house with.
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 Tux, this worries me because both you and he seem to be very invested in you not "being like other girls". That is a total recipe for falling off a pedestal, because you are human and you can't make it about his emotional needs forever (this is why he's idealizing you!), and as clia says, when that happens he shows all the signs of a person who will turn on you. I find the above really worrisome - he doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. He sounds manipulative. It doesn't really make a difference if he isn't self-aware about his manipulation; it's still working on your brain that you have to be "perfect" to fulfill his idealization of you, and at some point all the spinning plates are going to fall. That whole "not like other girls" thing is a huge trap. Honestly that worries me too because an ex of mine said the same crap about me being different from other girls before turning on me. I'm not sure where you get the impression I'm encouraging him to say this stuff or agreeing with any of it. He volunteered all of it, I laughed in his face, explained that I'm far from "angelic," and told him that it did make me anxious.
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 I'll make sure the next few dates are out in public.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I'm not sure where you get the impression I'm encouraging him to say this stuff or agreeing with any of it. It's actually really really easy to steer conversations, they involve both of you!!
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) It's actually really really easy to steer conversations, they involve both of you!! I really, really wasn't. I was barely saying anything for this portion of our conversation. He was just unloading on me... Edited January 11, 2016 by tuxedo cat
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 In my 8 months "relationship" last year, the guy always wanted to hang out at home. He called me his girlfriend but we never went out except when I basically forced him to and it always seemed like a chore to him. If he suggests taking you out though then I think you are fine 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) Tuxedo, My friends bf had never fallen for someone so quickly. And he told her so. They are still head over heels 2.5 years later. My own bf said the same thing. We are still together 5 months later. Turns out, he was just really into me in a way hehadn't been with others. Some men that fall hard for you are genuine and not at all desperate. One of my concerns is: he's more into you than you're into him, at this early stage. This isn't ever a great precursor to a passionate relationship. It's always ideal to find someone who falls hard for you and who YOU fall just as hard for. It's extremely rare to find though so I totally understand why you're giving him a chance. Edited January 11, 2016 by Leigh 87 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 In my 8 months "relationship" last year, the guy always wanted to hang out at home. He called me his girlfriend but we never went out except when I basically forced him to and it always seemed like a chore to him. If he suggests taking you out though then I think you are fine Yeah he has suggested it several times and I've been the one to say no. 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 You're not having sex because he can't perform, not for a lack of trying. And it's not 50/50. This whole thing smacks of desperation, and not on his part, honestly. It will be 50/50 after our next date.
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 Tux, this worries me because both you and he seem to be very invested in you not "being like other girls". That is a total recipe for falling off a pedestal, because you are human and you can't make it about his emotional needs forever (this is why he's idealizing you!), and as clia says, when that happens he shows all the signs of a person who will turn on you. I find the above really worrisome - he doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. He sounds manipulative. It doesn't really make a difference if he isn't self-aware about his manipulation; it's still working on your brain that you have to be "perfect" to fulfill his idealization of you, and at some point all the spinning plates are going to fall. That whole "not like other girls" thing is a huge trap. I agree with this. Also his personality has a manipulative edge- he did train as an actor for years. I don't think it's very conscious, though. He keeps saying stuff about how most girls are overly demanding with men and he likes that I'm so "chill." I get the sense he's the more domineering type and his emotional needs may take precedence. But again want to hold off judgment until I know him better because I do like him a lot in other ways.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I just can't wrap my mind around him saying he was "90% sure he wants you for his girlfriend" () and you don't know each other well enough - and then after some more couch time you are suddenly IN a relationship -and he is struggling with the "L WORD" ?? On the third time you even saw each other?? Your posts are full of doubt about him ... so WHY are you in an exclusive and intimate relationship already when you are full of doubts? When you had every opportunity to just be dating like normal for a while and getting to know each other (but consciously chose not to)? I don't think the guy sounds like a bad guy or anything, it seems like you might be a good match because not that many people will enjoy all that intense texting and explaining about yourselves and your impressions of each other, it seems like you are compatible that way; I just don't know if telling somebody all about how you THINK you are has that much to do with how other people experience you. I hope it all works out even though I can't relate. 3
Aniela Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 I agree with this. Also his personality has a manipulative edge- he did train as an actor for years. I don't think it's very conscious, though. He keeps saying stuff about how most girls are overly demanding with men and he likes that I'm so "chill." I get the sense he's the more domineering type and his emotional needs may take precedence. That was my experience, unfortunately with someone I somehow developed feelings for. He seemed fine when I first got to know him, but then his extremely angry and depressive side came out. He was also incredibly manipulative. Just be careful, okay? 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 12, 2016 Author Posted January 12, 2016 I don't think the guy sounds like a bad guy or anything, it seems like you might be a good match because not that many people will enjoy all that intense texting and explaining about yourselves and your impressions of each other, it seems like you are compatible that way; I just don't know if telling somebody all about how you THINK you are has that much to do with how other people experience you. I hope it all works out even though I can't relate. You're right. I love that kind of expressiveness and constant contact. I'm the same way.
Diamonds&Rust Posted January 12, 2016 Posted January 12, 2016 That whole "not like other girls" thing is a huge trap. ^ that. it seems like you're into this person enough to look the other way for now, but it's plainly clear from just a few things he's said that he does not have a healthy opinion of women. it may be nice now and for a while, but ultimately that's going to be a big problem for you.
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