this is getting intense

January 6, 2016

Slow down, Relax.....You are over thinking this. You'll do fine.

January 6, 2016

Just don't sleep with him yet.

Keep in mind that you are evaluating him just as much as he is you. You have no less power than he does.

Think of yourself as a prize

January 7, 2016

If it's the guy I'm thinking about, I saw a thread a few weeks ago, and hoped you would pass on him. A stronger attraction to him, doesn't necessarily mean that it's a good idea to proceed; he could be triggering something unhealthy in you. You've already expressed doubts about his character, and any sort of relationship with him, long before you established any sort of intimacy, premature or otherwise.

January 7, 2016

Well... I just read your last thread and honestly...

I'm honestly borderline sociopathic when it comes to work. I put on an act. Say what I need to get what I want. And don't care at all about anyone else's benefit unless it benefits me. Because I know no one will do the same for me. Only guys who are nothing or too scared of the real world feel the need to exert power over their girl.

I would never, EVER, go on a date with a guy who says such a thing.

If he is borderline sociopathic when it comes to work, and he even confesses that to you, he can be sociopathic when it comes to relationships as well.

Like he himself said it... "I say what I need to get what I want".

I would run if I were you.

January 7, 2016

So back in town finally and meeting up with this guy again for our third date on Thursday.

I'm really nervous about seeing him because while I was out of town for the holidays we were talking over the phone and text almost every night (mostly initiated by him) and established a premature intimacy. I recognize it's unhealthy but I already have some feelings for him and he has feelings me. He is freaking out that he will ruin things somehow and I'll reject him. I'm freaking out that he'll reject me (but not being so vocal about it). He's said things like "I'm starting to really like you, I feel attached to you already and that scares me a little." He's also basically indicated he wants to "lock me down" so that we become exclusive but acknowledges that he has no claim on me yet. Meanwhile I'm still trying to see other guys because I recognize that there are some red flags here, but my heart is pulling me to him.

I'm going over to his place on Thursday night for a movie night, then we'll probably go out and do something this weekend. I'm nervous as hell. How do I diffused the high expectations we've already set up? My biggest fear is that he'll reject me.

By going to his house for "movie night" on your third date, you are only encouraging more premature intimacy. Movie night is established couple, boyfriend activity -- not a third date activity, especially when you already recognize things are moving too quickly. Slow your roll. It's not ridiculous to be taken out on a date at this point. Why not go out to dinner together? Or go watch a movie at a theater? Why go to his house and put yourself in that position?

January 7, 2016

Just don't sleep with him yet.

Keep in mind that you are evaluating him just as much as he is you. You have no less power than he does.

Think of yourself as a prize

Too late lol. OP, having movie night at his house is not exactly the best way to put a halt to the premature intimacy thing -- especially now that (1) you've already had sex, so (2) he's probably expecting it, and (3) you seem afraid to take sex off the table for fear of damaging his already fragile ego/stoking his insecurities.

What is so hard about going and actually doing something outside of the house?

January 7, 2016

Laser tag, rock climbing, ice skating, cake decorating contests if you're comfortable being in an apt together and not having sex (maybe go a friend's apt and have contests with partners), frisbee golf (make up your own targets in the park), zumba class. Think active, not spectating. But attending an ice hockey game would be fun if you could swing it.

Or scrabble or chess. I mean it's not outdoorsy or anything but if you want to be cerebral and on a date, brainy board games will do. In Washington Square park, not in your apartment. That makes it outdoorsy.

Or how about ice skating in Central Park or one of the other outdoor rinks, that would be a super fun date!!

January 7, 2016

When we got into bed together, he was reluctant to take off his pants, and when he finally did, I discovered why. I guess he has struggled with impotency for a few years (he's early-to-mid thirties). He was extremely embarrassed about it.

This is why this is a hot mess. The guy can't put the D in you. Hence, why his excessive texting and the way he acts.

Is this really what you want OP?

January 7, 2016

tc ....is this guy the famous comedian you have posted about previously?

I recall you met him on Tinder and he wasn't your physical type either.

Same guy?

Just curious.

Edited January 7, 2016 by katiegrl

January 7, 2016

The short answer and advice here is to not get involved.

He's a mess about himself and you won't be able to fix him. He needs help - not from you.

January 7, 2016

tc ....is this guy the famous comedian you have posted about previously?

I recall you met him on Tinder and he wasn't your physical type either.

Same guy?

Just curious.

I think it's a different guy.

January 9, 2016

tc ....is this guy the famous comedian you have posted about previously?

I recall you met him on Tinder and he wasn't your physical type either.

Same guy?

Just curious.

Different guy. I lost interest in the comedian when I read more about him and realized how messed up he is. :/ Strangely enough during my movie night with this guy he put on an episode of this show and the comedian showed up in a few scenes.

January 9, 2016

You're a person who likes to spend a lot of time in your head, and he seems to be as well. Me too, so I get it. You both need someone to pull you OUT of your head. It's not healthy to be in there all the time, even though it's indulgent and feels good. The brain--and the relationship-- needs fresh air and ideas for health and balance.

If you spend most of the relationship in your head, instead of in person, then you're living a fantasy relationship, not a real relationship. You're idealizing the idea of the person, of a relationship, of companionship, etc., not the actual person and the actual relationship before you.

January 10, 2016

I think a guy who is borderline psychopathic at work has probably got an aggressive, cold nature. I don't believe people change that much in different situations. He wouldn't appeal to me.

January 10, 2016

I have such mixed feelings about this.

The movie night happened on Thursday. We both wanted to go on an actual date, he even suggested it before I did, but it didn't work out with my insane schedule. No actual sex happened; because of his physical issues we agreed before meeting that we wouldn't rush the sex until it felt right. Fine by me. He got me off a few times, actually faster than any guy in the past has and I was very satisfied. I could feel that he was really hard but I didn't pressure him to do anything. Mostly we just watched movies, talked and cuddled. I felt happy and connected.

Unfortunately I kind of blew it and brought up exclusivity. He had already raised the issue before (over the holidays while we were apart), asking half seriously how he could "lock me down," but I know it's worse for the woman to initiate that discussion. Exclusivity is like this radioactive topic; I hate it. But I was feeling him so much in that moment, as he was holding me, that the idea of him being with another girl really bugged me.

He said he really likes me and he's like 90% certain he wants me as his girlfriend but it's also early and we don't know each other well enough. Valid points. I agreed and said I was just getting carried away. He added that he's mostly worried I won't be able to handle some of his personality quirks, and that he doesn't know if he can live up to my ideal. He begged me to keep dating him, saying he didn't want to lose me. I told him of course I would, to forget that I mentioned anything, and we got back to chatting and laughing.

But I could tell he was preoccupied, and he brought it up again. "I'm just going to be straight up about my issues," he said. "It's only fair to you." He revealed he is on an antidepressant (I wonder if that accounts for his physical issues) and that he's moody. I asked him to elaborate on his moodiness, which concerned me more, and he said there may be nights when he doesn't want to do much, just hang out and be together. He said it's not all the time but it happens and asked if I'm okay with that, adding that he doesn't take his moods out on others. I told him I'm okay with moodiness in theory if it truly doesn't change how he treats me but I'd have to see it with my own eyes. He said, "What would happen if I lost my manager and all of my clients tomorrow? Would you still want to be with me?" I said of course I'd be there for you, but obviously it'd be a problem if it were forever. He kept saying "you're so good to me." Then he squeezed me and said "The answer is yes." I said, "Are you sure...?" He said he was. I don't think he is really certain, neither of us is, so I'm hoping I didn't ruin things by raising the issue so soon and we can get back to the business of getting to knowing each other. It may be too late for backpedalling, though. Read on...

Aside from that heavy discussion, our time together was pretty great. I felt crazy butterflies when we were kissing. That's rare for me anymore. And when I left I immediately missed him. The thing is I don't really want to fix him. I like how he is now, assuming he doesn't change.

One thing that impresses me is how self aware, reflective and considerate he has been so far. I've dated guys who are depressed but I've never had one be upfront with me about his problems. Usually depressed guys are guarded and shady about who they are. And when I asked him for exclusivity, he didn't skirt the issue, nor immediately tell me what I wanted to hear. He thought it through, discussed all of his concerns with me and seemed to be considering what would be best for both of us.

There's a lot more to him than his problems. I don't want to paint a skewed picture. He's really funny, smart and easy to connect with. We have great rapport. He's talented in multiple fields. He was at the top of his class in college at one of the most selective acting programs in the country. He's no longer an actor, has a more stable, well-paid industry job now. He is emotionally intelligent, present and perceptive. He notices and remembers everything I've said. Personality wise in this respect he's very much my type. Having been raised by a father who was always out to lunch, I love guys who are aware of those around them. Also, he just has this warm, protective and nurturing quality. But on the surface he's a little gruff. I always find that combination of inner vulnerability and outer strength compelling in men.

Since that date on Thursday I've really missed him. He's been texting me that he misses me, likes me so much, thinks about me a lot, is so happy that he has me in his life.

He's such a mixed bag. I don't know. I really like him. I also recognize that he has problems and things have accelerated beyond reason, which I'm mostly responsible for. I'm emotional and I tend to get swept up in the moment when I feel connected to a guy. I do want to be exclusive with him but being a couple is too much right now obviously, which is how he told me he interprets exclusivity. The bottom line is we both need to get to know each other better. I was hoping we could just forget the subject was ever raised but he's treating me like his girlfriend now. I'm wondering if I should just go with it but break it off if he turns out to be shady? The thing is I like him enough to not want to lose him by backtracking. There's a good chance I will because he's insecure and will be hurt/confused if I take it back. I know I would be.

Anyway, we're seeing each other again tonight, and despite everything I'm pretty excited.

January 10, 2016

I think a guy who is borderline psychopathic at work has probably got an aggressive, cold nature. I don't believe people change that much in different situations. He wouldn't appeal to me.

I know what you mean but I haven't seen any trace of this side of him yet in his behavior toward me, so I'm hoping he just compartmentalizes. He does have a job where he sort of has to be a "shark." I definitely have some concerns but only time will tell.

January 10, 2016

I know what you mean but I haven't seen any trace of this side of him yet in his behavior toward me, so I'm hoping he just compartmentalizes. He does have a job where he sort of has to be a "shark." I definitely have some concerns but only time will tell.

You (general you) cannot compartmentalize without affecting other parts of life. You cannot selectively numb the bad stuff without numbing the goodstuff. You cannot selectively ********* to some people and not ********* to other people.

If he has the capacity, he has the capacity. The flag is waiving. You're choosing to ignore it.

January 10, 2016

You (general you) cannot compartmentalize without affecting other parts of life. You cannot selectively numb the bad stuff without numbing the goodstuff. You cannot selectively ********* to some people and not ********* to other people.

If he has the capacity, he has the capacity. The flag is waiving. You're choosing to ignore it.

I can't figure out what stars stand for?

January 10, 2016

Yes, most antidepressants affect the ability to get it up. If it's an SSRI, which are the most prescribed, that would be it.

Wellbutrin is a good choice for guys if they can tolerate it.

January 10, 2016

I can't figure out what stars stand for?

A-hole. I was saying a-hole as a verb.

January 10, 2016

Last night was...interesting. I had a drink with my girlfriend and then headed uptown to his place. He wanted me to watch the end of a football game with him. I'm not into sports at all but found his enthusiasm and commentary cute. Afterwards we hung out and talked for like 6 hours, listening to Purple Rain.

He seems to be really infatuated with me. It's a little scary. I like him but his feelings have outpaced mine at this point. This time I held my tongue and didn't bring up any "us" talk but I didn't need to because he kept volunteering things. It started when we were cuddling and he said, "I don't know what's wrong with me...I feel very attached to you already. I like you so much." Then, "I just want to be clear from our conversation on Thursday that we're definitely exclusive, right? Because that's what I want." And this is where it started to get crazy... He said, "I probably shouldn't tell you this because it's nuts but there were a couple of times tonight where I wasn't like thinking and I almost said the L word, it almost slipped out. I don't know why I'm feeling this way." I just giggled. I asked him whether he's the type of guy who falls for every girl he dates and he said, "No, not at all." And that he's never felt this strongly for a girl so fast. I asked him what it was and he said "honestly you're one of the nicest people I've ever met. It's in a very genuine, non forced way, not over the top or fake like some girls." He said, "you have this almost...this is going to sound weird but you have this almost angelic quality about you." I burst into laughter when he said that. He said he's perceptive about people and that he never understands when guys say to each other "there are plenty of fish in the sea and everyone is pretty much the same and replaceable" because to him every girl has a strikingly different energy. He told me that I have this uniquely soothing and loving energy that is unlike any girl he's ever met, that my warmth and affection is strong but also relaxed and not needy. It was nice to hear but didn't feel real. Not that he was being dishonest, but just clearly putting me on a pedestal. I told him I'm not angelic, that I am nice and genuine, but I have definite flaws, like I deal with a lot of anxiety/insecurity and I have a temper when people really cross me. It concerns me that he's idealizing me to this degree, making me feel like I don't have much wiggle room to be myself. He explained further that part of the reason he feels the way he does is that he opened up to me far sooner than he has with anyone else, friends included, because he feels safe with me. He said with girls having sex early makes them feel attached and vulnerable while with guys it's not sex but emotional disclosure.

What else...He said that when he commits in his mind to a girl it's like a switch flips and it's really hard for him to go back. He said, "I'm going to treat you so well, Tux." That actually made me feel more positively about him, because I could hear in his voice that he was being honest. I'm starting to think, despite some of the red flaggy things he said earlier about his job and all, that he's pretty honest and that he would be a devoted boyfriend. Not one who would suddenly go cold when I came off the pedestal. Maybe I'm wrong but I just get this sense. I've dated guys before who fell for me hard and then suddenly shut me out when I did one thing wrong or sometimes for no reason at all. But those guys had a different quality from him. They weren't self aware about their issues and I never really trusted them from the start, like there was something that didn't quite add up about them. He makes more sense to me. One thing I really like is that there's no push/pull with him so far. When I kiss him he lights up, he doesn't pull away. Most guys are different in my experience, they get turned on by slight resistance, so it's like an exhausting chess game to keep them interested, especially for someone like me who is naturally affectionate.

I don't know what to do...He wants to see me all the time now. He wanted to hang out today again, take me to brunch with his friends and watch some play off game or the golden globes tonight, but I needed a day off so I made an excuse. And he wants me to come over to his place after work for another game tomorrow night, and then take me to see Star Wars on Wednesday. I feel like I messed things up with my early relationship talk and I just wish things would go back to a normal pace.

Edited January 10, 2016 by tuxedo cat

January 11, 2016

He's so cute though. Personality wise he reminds me a bit of Robin Williams. I mentioned this and he said he gets it a lot. Not the manic side but the genuine warmth, light in his face and the curiosity about other ppl.

He told me that we're "bro-ing" out tomorrow and watching the play offs. Looking forward to it.

Edited January 11, 2016 by tuxedo cat

January 11, 2016

I agree that he's damaged but I'm wondering if I should be more tolerant of baggage since I have my own insecurities and baggage too? I'm just not as vocal about my flaws.

No. You know what the answer is deep down. This guy has VERY leaky boundaries, that's the appeal. The answer is to reaffirm yours, walk away and search for someone who is capable of secure attachment. It's scary but that's the answer.

January 11, 2016

So y'all STILL haven't left the house.

January 11, 2016

Eh seems to me you like him alot.

I am a guy but if i was in your situation and a girl was acting toward me like he is i would be straight up honest with her and tell her ...

"Look i like you alot and i think you are perfect the way you are so please dont mention how messed up you are anymore".

If she kept bringing it up after that i would break up with her because that would mean theres something seriously wrong w her.

Also if he cant get it up how come he doesnt use viagra or cialis ?

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