matt870 Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 hey everyone im new here, i need some help n i dont want to go to friends or family for advice. i want an outside view been with gf (21) for a year and a half. im 28. everything has been fine but for 6 months its like she wants to be single but we both keep going back for a good 2 months every few weeks she goes out getting drunk till 4am at random peoples houses n couldn't care less about my feelings on that we would be together at 8pm and her mates would text her asking if she wanted to go out n instead of spending the night with me shes just goes out, n leaves me sat alone on my own. we dont live together, i live with my dad, she lives with her mum but she does practically live with me we sat down yesterday and all today and both agreed from now on she would make plans in advance so i know when shes going out so im not sat on my own or thinking shes coming back here n im cooking tea for us or so i dont surprise her n shes actually going out. which i thought was the norm for couples to do? anyway, she went home. told me her mate text her n asked her to go out n she said wasn't going to go out she was going to stick to her promise and arrange things in advance from now on. 2 hours later i phone n shes been at hers with her make having a takeaway!! her excuse to this was. i didnt go out!! i stayed in with my mate!! im fuming, i dont know what to do, or why she acts like she no longer cares. christmas was perfect n then right after xmas she went back to being like this should i go no contact? i love her to pieces but shes just broke a huge promise and feels like she isnt respecting anything im saying please help
DrMario Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I wouldn't make any rash decisions that you may regret, remember, no contact is a means to an end, it's for you to leave the relationship and heal, it isn't to be used as a tool to manipulate somebody else's behaviour, I say that in the kindest way possible as somebody who has made that mistake. If you wish to continue your relationship with this person, you need to remain strong and find the time to talk it out with her, figure out what your priorities are in the relationship vs her priorities, maybe find a middle ground that your both happy with?, after all we can't have it our own way all of the time. She has been disrespectful to you but I am not surprised given her age, my advice to you, let that part slide if you truly love this person, and exhaust all your option's before making a decision to continue the relationship. You will live with yourself far better regardless of the outcome if you rationally approach these issues without acting in the heat of the moment. Best of luck.
Author matt870 Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 ive already shouted at her n told her its over n im going no contact im so upset. i cant believe after all day she was telling me that was she was going to make plans with people n stick to it, send me message after message all day promising me. then just invites her mate round to hers n has a takeaway while all night ive been sat here thinking shes at home with her family just watching tv. shes just full blown lied to me!! i phoned her n got some weird nonsense about how does she know i was at home n i could of been cheating!! this confused me as im trying to fight for my relationship it didnt make any sense. shes has become more interested in being around friends and going out without me than actually putting any effort into our relationship claiming i'm controling her and she feels locked up.. alls i have asked for is she makes plans in adance n doesnt stay out till 4am. is that controlling? since i told her im going no contact and it completly over and shes full blown broke my trust and promise i have heard a word from her (since about midnight) do is sound like she is cheating? i cant figour out what is going on? why make a promise all day then break it 2 hours later?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 ive already shouted at her n told her its over n im going no contact im so upset. i cant believe after all day she was telling me that was she was going to make plans with people n stick to it, send me message after message all day promising me. then just invites her mate round to hers n has a takeaway while all night ive been sat here thinking shes at home with her family just watching tv. shes just full blown lied to me!! i phoned her n got some weird nonsense about how does she know i was at home n i could of been cheating!! this confused me as im trying to fight for my relationship it didnt make any sense. shes has become more interested in being around friends and going out without me than actually putting any effort into our relationship claiming i'm controling her and she feels locked up.. alls i have asked for is she makes plans in adance n doesnt stay out till 4am. is that controlling? since i told her im going no contact and it completly over and shes full blown broke my trust and promise i have heard a word from her (since about midnight) do is sound like she is cheating? i cant figour out what is going on? why make a promise all day then break it 2 hours later? OP, I am a little confused. I can understand you not loving your girlfriend staying out until 4am getting drunk. But ultimately, she is an adult. You can't forbid her from doing so, but you can walk away. I get where you're coming from on that. I also understand you wanting to know in advance if her plans change when she'd previously made plans with you. It's certainly not cool to be kept around waiting if she'd already told you she was going to meet you. What I don't get is what happened this evening. Had she already said she was coming over to see you? If not, then I think you are really over-reacting to her having some take-away with a friend at her house. I don't understand the problem with that. Even if she'd previously said she was going to stay in with her family and instead a friend wound up coming over, I don't understand why that upsets you this much. Plans change, a friend comes over, it's not a big deal. Can you clarify exactly what happened tonight?
Wewon Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 ive already shouted at her n told her its over n im going no contact im so upset. i cant believe after all day she was telling me that was she was going to make plans with people n stick to it, send me message after message all day promising me. then just invites her mate round to hers n has a takeaway while all night ive been sat here thinking shes at home with her family just watching tv. shes just full blown lied to me!! i phoned her n got some weird nonsense about how does she know i was at home n i could of been cheating!! this confused me as im trying to fight for my relationship it didnt make any sense. shes has become more interested in being around friends and going out without me than actually putting any effort into our relationship claiming i'm controling her and she feels locked up.. alls i have asked for is she makes plans in adance n doesnt stay out till 4am. is that controlling? since i told her im going no contact and it completly over and shes full blown broke my trust and promise i have heard a word from her (since about midnight) do is sound like she is cheating? i cant figour out what is going on? why make a promise all day then break it 2 hours later? She sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. There are a lot of trust issues and she sounds a bit manipulative. You're probably best going no contact and letting her do her thing while you do yours.
DrMario Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I would say this situation needs a bit of space, I think it would be very easy to get tangled up in the issues you are experiencing at the moment. You need to look at why she would think you are controlling and she needs to look at why you think she doesn't prioritise her time together with you. Clearly there are some mix ups going on here that might be able to be resolved, but this requires both you and her willing to sit down and really listen to one another without the rights and wrongs involved. I have been in many relationships in my time, and I can tell you I know the feeling all too well of being let down in this fashion, you come across a frustrated man who is making her a priority in his life without getting the same treatment in return, you need to find some way of translating this to her so that she can fully understand what she is doing. I personally wouldn't like to be in a relationship where my girlfriend is out until 4 am in the morning, but I also wouldn't like it if I was told there was a problem with me going out until 4 am in the morning, so I can see your point here and I can see her point as well. Which is why it is important you talk about these issues in a rational way, unfortunately you have ended the relationship when I'm sure in your heart of hearts you probably didn't want to?. Unfortunately our actions come with consequences so If I was in your shoes I would simply say in your own words "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, and I don't want to be broken up, can we talk about our problems once we have both cooled down?" And I would hope for the best.
Blanco Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 She sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do because she's barely an adult. I'm a red-blooded male, so I won't feign ignorance as to why we see so many threads on here from guys in their late twenties or older sharing stories of trouble with a significantly younger partner. It's the surprise and confusion from these folks that's a little harder to figure out. If I sit here and eat a bag of chips every day for a month, I'm probably going to put on some fat. If I date a girl who's 19, 20, 21, 22, she's probably going to flake at some point. It's not a guarantee, of course. But just like the person who can eat a bag of chips every day for a month and put on no fat, these select situations are indeed the exceptions to a tried and true rule. tl;dr OP shouldn't date a girl of not even legal drinking age and expect behavior other than what girls typically exhibit at that age.
Space Ritual Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 ive already shouted at her n told her its over n im going no contact im so upset. i cant believe after all day she was telling me that was she was going to make plans with people n stick to it, send me message after message all day promising me. then just invites her mate round to hers n has a takeaway while all night ive been sat here thinking shes at home with her family just watching tv. shes just full blown lied to me!! i phoned her n got some weird nonsense about how does she know i was at home n i could of been cheating!! this confused me as im trying to fight for my relationship it didnt make any sense. shes has become more interested in being around friends and going out without me than actually putting any effort into our relationship claiming i'm controling her and she feels locked up.. alls i have asked for is she makes plans in adance n doesnt stay out till 4am. is that controlling? since i told her im going no contact and it completly over and shes full blown broke my trust and promise i have heard a word from her (since about midnight) do is sound like she is cheating? i cant figour out what is going on? why make a promise all day then break it 2 hours later? Dude, she is 21. 21 year olds can make all the promises in the world and then turn around without batting an eye and swear to you that they made no such promise. Well we all can regardless of age of course, but she is 21 for crying out loud. 21 year olds are going out and having fun, getting drunk and screwing. that's what they do. Never mind if she is cheating or not. That is debatable with her drinking habits which I would say she probably is, but that's neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is that unless you have a gun to somebody's head they are under no obligation to keep any type of promise to anybody at any time. It's why you have people default on loans they sign and get thrown into jail for perjury when they swear on a Bible they will tell the truth and lie their ass off. Either accept this will continue to be an issue for the duration of your relationship, or take a stand and end it Let me ask you, if your best friend told you what you told us and asked what he should do would you not tell him to dump her as soon as possible? Continue the relationship at your own peril.
Recommended Posts