Do we downplay the power of sex in relationships?

[Lobouspo]

I once attended a Psychology seminar tied into my job where the keynote speaker, a well respected psychologist, suggested society has always been far too-uptight about sex. She’s right about that. However she went on to ask: “Why all this anxiety about sex? Who’s ever been hurt by it anyway?” A more-sober insight might suggest: “Who hasn’t been hurt by it?” History is strewn with broken hearts, broken families, broken lives, terminal bitterness, murders, and suicides, STD's, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, within which sex is the canker. Do we have too much of a cavalier and glib attitude toward sex in today's hookup culture?

Discuss

[Wewon]

Interesting post.

 

I don't know if we're to cavalier or not, but I do think that people are afraid of being perceived as "uptight", "unliberated", "too conservative" or otherwise "Having issues" which means that we don't always consider the repercussions of sex or more so, down play them.

[Gloria25]

Unfortunately and especially in this day/age, there's people who think they can reduce sex to a basic physical "act".

 

Thing is, who we give our body to is linked to our psyche. Now men, are better at separating sex from attachment/emotion - but still have a desire/need to "connect" via sex. For men, the act of sex is not just a physical release but how they get validation and "loved" by their woman.

 

And that's why some women go nutz when RLs don't work out cuz after they gave their body to some dude, they just can flip off a switch and move on. And, after giving themselves to man after man after man, they sorta have a "hole" in their soul that they often cannot place where it's coming from because no one wants to be bold enough to admit that women cannot have sex like men.

[carhill]

Unleash the id

 

While things may have changed with the younger generations, my perception has always been that sex has had enormous power in intimate relationships and marriages, not to mention none of us would be here without it, though I guess that's changing as science proceeds. Immortality through progeny is enormously powerful to humans since we're fragile and have a relatively brief life.

 

What is 'uptight'? Sounds like an adjective-

anxious or angry in a tense and overly controlled way.

 

Do people really feel this way about sex? OK, I guess I haven't run into any, at least any who've presented themselves that way.

 

Was the church instructing us to save sex for marriage being anxious or angry in a tense and overly controlled way? IDK, to me it was like going to the confessional. They wanted things their way. Heh, good luck with that That stuff may have helped form some of my viewpoints about sexual activity for myself but those ended at my nose. They only applied to me. The billions of other folks were free to live their lives as they saw fit. If some viewed me as 'uptight', well they had their own lot in life to live. I guess they had time to live it and pass judgment. Good on them. Hope it worked out.

[kismetkismet]

I once attended a Psychology seminar tied into my job where the keynote speaker, a well respected psychologist, suggested society has always been far too-uptight about sex. She’s right about that. However she went on to ask: “Why all this anxiety about sex? Who’s ever been hurt by it anyway?” A more-sober insight might suggest: “Who hasn’t been hurt by it?” History is strewn with broken hearts, broken families, broken lives, terminal bitterness, murders, and suicides, STD's, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, within which sex is the canker. Do we have too much of a cavalier and glib attitude toward sex in today's hookup culture?

Discuss

 

Ok but you're not just talking about sex.. Sex that is enjoyed openly and honestly with two (or more) consenting adults is not harmful. What you're talking about is unsafe sex, cheating, dishonesty, rape, criminal behaviour etc.

 

I argue that a lot of relationship and societal problems come from sexual repression. Issues around consent and rape I think stem in part from a culture that doesn't allow women control over their sexuality, to enjoy it, to share it, etc. Most places with high incident of STDS and/or unwanted pregnancy have it due to LACK OF EDUCATION which stems from a fear of and repression of sex. it also coincides with excessive drug or alcohol use, which places it more in the domain of dangerous and impulsive behaviour, not just sexual. I think that sometimes cheating and infidelity can stem from partners not making sure that they are sexually compatible before entering into a committed relationship. That is not to blame either the man or woman (as both are reported to cheat almost equally) but again a fear around and repression of sexuality.. not being able to express what you want and need in a relationship and to own that and communicate about it.

 

Obviously these things are complex issues and there is never only one variable at play. However to say that these issues come from sex alone is very misguided. That's kind of like saying "junk food makes you unhealthy, so we should never eat anything again in case it is junk food"

[Lobouspo]

Ok but you're not just talking about sex.. Sex that is enjoyed openly and honestly with two (or more) consenting adults is not harmful. What you're talking about is unsafe sex, cheating, dishonesty, rape, criminal behaviour etc.

 

I argue that a lot of relationship and societal problems come from sexual repression. Issues around consent and rape I think stem in part from a culture that doesn't allow women control over their sexuality, to enjoy it, to share it, etc. Most places with high incident of STDS and/or unwanted pregnancy have it due to LACK OF EDUCATION which stems from a fear of and repression of sex. it also coincides with excessive drug or alcohol use, which places it more in the domain of dangerous and impulsive behaviour, not just sexual. I think that sometimes cheating and infidelity can stem from partners not making sure that they are sexually compatible before entering into a committed relationship. That is not to blame either the man or woman (as both are reported to cheat almost equally) but again a fear around and repression of sexuality.. not being able to express what you want and need in a relationship and to own that and communicate about it.

 

Obviously these things are complex issues and there is never only one variable at play. However to say that these issues come from sex alone is very misguided. That's kind of like saying "junk food makes you unhealthy, so we should never eat anything again in case it is junk food"

 

Excellent observations, and I pretty much agree with what you say, but I think sex between two consenting adults who are open and honest can also be a power keg. It can be lead to emotional pain, unhealthy attachments etc.

[Lobouspo]

Unleash the id

 

While things may have changed with the younger generations, my perception has always been that sex has had enormous power in intimate relationships and marriages, not to mention none of us would be here without it, though I guess that's changing as science proceeds. Immortality through progeny is enormously powerful to humans since we're fragile and have a relatively brief life.

 

What is 'uptight'? Sounds like an adjective-

 

anxious or angry in a tense and overly controlled way.

 

Do people really feel this way about sex? OK, I guess I haven't run into any, at least any who've presented themselves that way.

 

Was the church instructing us to save sex for marriage being anxious or angry in a tense and overly controlled way? IDK, to me it was like going to the confessional. They wanted things their way. Heh, good luck with that That stuff may have helped form some of my viewpoints about sexual activity for myself but those ended at my nose. They only applied to me. The billions of other folks were free to live their lives as they saw fit. If some viewed me as 'uptight', well they had their own lot in life to live. I guess they had time to live it and pass judgment. Good on them. Hope it worked out.

 

 

I guess uptight is not a good choice of words. I guess what I was trying to say is that society's institutions in the past have treated sex as something dirty, sinful, and wrong to talk about. It seems like the pendulum has swung too much the other way, downplaying just how devastating the repercussions of sex can be in certain constructs.

[TaraMaiden2]

I once attended a Psychology seminar tied into my job where the keynote speaker, a well respected psychologist, suggested society has always been far too-uptight about sex. She’s right about that. However she went on to ask: “Why all this anxiety about sex? Who’s ever been hurt by it anyway?” A more-sober insight might suggest: “Who hasn’t been hurt by it?”

Nobody has ever been hurt by sex, unless it has been performed unwillingly and against one person's wishes. Then, it's not sex.

it's Power, and Control.

 

History is strewn with broken hearts, broken families, broken lives, terminal bitterness, murders, and suicides, STD's, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, within which sex is the canker.

 

Utter bull.

Broken hearts, broken families, broken lives, terminal bitterness are all emotional responses to something. They're nothing to do with sex itself.

 

Why? Because as well as being at the top of the food-chain, we are supposedly, the most intelligent animal, but I think in such cases, it's not always true.

 

Because we throw emotions into the bag.

And as far as I know, we're the only animal that does.

We insist on throwing our emotional baggage into the mix.

We see 'f*ck' and spell it L-O-V-E.

 

they're not the same thing.

They're totally separate. They're nothing to do with each other, but we meld them as if they were mutually exclusive.

If we feel strong emotion when we bond physically with one another, it is WE who create that emotional bond, in our heads.

 

Having sex doesn't do it, we do.

 

If the two were inextricably intertwined, every man visiting a prostitute would fall in love with her.

 

Sex is a highly emotional act, but only because we insist on it being.

 

That's Attachment to an ideal.

And as divorce figures due to adultery will show, it's a huge mistake.

 

Murders, STDs, unwanted pregnancies and abortions are as a result of stupid decisions, reckless living and thoughtlessness, and again, although it involved sex, sex wasn't to blame. People are.

 

Do we have too much of a cavalier and glib attitude toward sex in today's hookup culture?

No. We overplay it.

I think we're still far too hung up on sex, believing we desperately need it, and that a relationship cannot exist without it and that if we don't get it, or our partner's history.likes-dislikes and libido is not the same as ours, certain earth-shattering disaster awaits.

 

My goodness, we put so much emphasis on a simple, carnal act and give it an importance of monumental proportions, to the detriment of everything else that ultimately, matters more.

[Lobouspo]

Nobody has ever been hurt by sex, unless it has been performed unwillingly and against one person's wishes. Then, it's not sex.

it's Power, and Control.

 

 

 

Utter bull.

Broken hearts, broken families, broken lives, terminal bitterness are all emotional responses to something. They're nothing to do with sex itself.

 

Why? Because as well as being at the top of the food-chain, we are supposedly, the most intelligent animal, but I think in such cases, it's not always true.

 

Because we throw emotions into the bag.

And as far as I know, we're the only animal that does.

We insist on throwing our emotional baggage into the mix.

We see 'f*ck' and spell it L-O-V-E.

 

they're not the same thing.

They're totally separate. They're nothing to do with each other, but we meld them as if they were mutually exclusive.

If we feel strong emotion when we bond physically with one another, it is WE who create that emotional bond, in our heads.

 

Having sex doesn't do it, we do.

 

If the two were inextricably intertwined, every man visiting a prostitute would fall in love with her.

 

Sex is a highly emotional act, but only because we insist on it being.

 

That's Attachment to an ideal.

And as divorce figures due to adultery will show, it's a huge mistake.

 

Murders, STDs, unwanted pregnancies and abortions are as a result of stupid decisions, reckless living and thoughtlessness, and again, although it involved sex, sex wasn't to blame. People are.

 

No. We overplay it.

I think we're still far too hung up on sex, believing we desperately need it, and that a relationship cannot exist without it and that if we don't get it, or our partner's history.likes-dislikes and libido is not the same as ours, certain earth-shattering disaster awaits.

 

My goodness, we put so much emphasis on a simple, carnal act and give it an importance of monumental proportions, to the detriment of everything else that ultimately, matters more.

 

 

You make some really good points TM2 that I agree with, but the fact that so many people have such a strong emotional response to it shows its power correct? For example, I could argue that cocaine is just a substance that make one feel good, and some people can compartmentalize and be functional users of it. Others, not so much. A lot people can't extinguish the emotional response they have to sex no matter how much they try, and engage in irrational behavior. Look at reasonable people on this forum who are in a tailspin and misery because of affairs they are enmeshed in or horrible relationships, but just can't end things no matter how much sense it makes to do so.

[anonymousbear00101100]

First of all, if you ever wanted to write test essay prompts, you have a gift.

 

I certainly would not say, at least in my case, that a broken heart is necessarily caused by sex. If a woman is in love with a man that leads her and only uses her for sex, and she gives in as to not come off as a prude, I could see sex could break some hearts/families/lives and cause terminal bitterness. But the breaking of my heart was fueled by the love I had for the person I was with, and sex just happened to be one of the ways we expressed that love.

[oldshirt]

I once attended a Psychology seminar tied into my job where the keynote speaker, a well respected psychologist, suggested society has always been far too-uptight about sex. She’s right about that. However she went on to ask: “Why all this anxiety about sex? Who’s ever been hurt by it anyway?” A more-sober insight might suggest: “Who hasn’t been hurt by it?” History is strewn with broken hearts, broken families, broken lives, terminal bitterness, murders, and suicides, STD's, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, within which sex is the canker. Do we have too much of a cavalier and glib attitude toward sex in today's hookup culture?

Discuss

 

 

 

Those things were caused by sex. Sex never hurt anyone. Those things occurred in relationships and are the result of relationships going bad, not sex.

 

 

An argument can be made that it's relationships that are bad and cause harm and that people should abstain from relationships.

[TaraMaiden2]

You make some really good points TM2 that I agree with, but the fact that so many people have such a strong emotional response to it shows its power correct?

No. Because of literature, poetry, movies and novels, we've all been swept up with the idea that sex is an emotional subject.

 

"Birds do it, bees do it,

Even educated fleas do it......"

(Apparently., Although how one considers a flea, 'educated', is currently beyond me....)

 

"Let's do it - let's fall in love..."

 

And there it is.

The big confusion.

It's fairly certain that while animals certainly do, to degrees, display facets of emotion, it's pretty certain they don't go as far as the song - or Walt Disney - would have us believe.

Sex, in the general animal kingdom is there for the single, unique purpose of procreation.

 

We give it this big whistles, bells, feathers and frills image of being earth-moving, wonderful and essential to love....

 

It's not. Sex, is sex, is sex. It is we who have bestowed upon it all the associated 'emotions', whether positive or negative, constructive or DEstructive.

We use sex as a tool. It's a primal instinct, and it's primary purpose is to facilitate reproduction.

That's it.

What we do with it, how we use it, what we associate with it, is all our emotional embellishment.

 

For example, I could argue that cocaine is just a substance that make one feel good, and some people can compartmentalize and be functional users of it. Others, not so much.

I'm not sure this is a suitable comparison.

Cocaine is a substance not associated with every single human being and frankly, is entirely negative in its effects. It's an outside source, and not inherent....

 

A lot people can't extinguish the emotional response they have to sex no matter how much they try, and engage in irrational behavior.

That's because they don't realise it's separate, and cannot disassociate.

 

Look at reasonable people on this forum who are in a tailspin and misery because of affairs they are enmeshed in or horrible relationships, but just can't end things no matter how much sense it makes to do so.

Yes...right.... what does that have to do with the sex?

Nothing.

Those are mental emotions; you yourself don't even mention sex, and taking the comment in isolation, it's not even implied either.

[Els]

I'm not really sure that this proves 'the power of sex' per se, but I agree that having sex with the wrong person at the wrong time can produce devastating consequences. On the other hand, so can crossing the road at the wrong time...

 

It does puzzle me that in today's society eating white bread (or, perhaps, chicken...) seems to be a way bigger deal to some people than who they have sex with, when they have it, and what barrier and contraceptive methods they use. It's their own prerogative to choose, of course, but it does seem like the inherent risks of casual sex are being downplayed. I'm not saying that people shouldn't do it, but I do think there isn't as much awareness about risks and how to mitigate them than there could be. And that's a real pity. Kids really need to be educated about these things.

 

And I really wouldn't pin broken families, murders etc etc on "sex". Sex does literally cause pregnancies and STDs, but not broken families and murders. Those are the sole responsibility of the people who choose to cause them, not of a reproductive act.

[Buck Turgidson]

First of all, thank you for starting an interesting philosophical discussion.

 

History is strewn with broken hearts, broken families, broken lives, terminal bitterness, murders, and suicides,

 

As others have said, love is more responsible for these effects than sex is. We as a society used to understand this better--- Romeo and Juliet, written as a warning to avoid being swept away by emotion, is now mistaken as a romantic tale of the love ideal. Sex doesn't cause a broken heart; the vulnerability one enters into when falling in love does. And you don't need sex to fall in love.

 

STD's

 

STDs are not punishments from up on high for the crime of f*cking. They like all diseases are caused by germs. You might as well blame sneezing for the flu.

 

unwanted pregnancies, abortions

 

Here you are closer, since pregnancy really is caused by sex. That's a bit unfortunate, and in the good old days your argument might have held more water, but today we know how to prevent these things (and STDs). Today the lack of willingness to teach about safe, pleasurable sex is the most responsible. And that lack of willingness, as others have said, is entirely due to uptight attitudes towards sex.

 

Others have more eloquently touched on these points. What I'd really like to contribute is to address this:

 

Do we have too much of a cavalier and glib attitude toward sex in today's hookup culture?

 

You write as if people haven't been having sex since prehistory, as if people are hooking up today, but yesterday they never were. That of course is nonsense. People have been doing what we call "hooking up" literally FOREVER. You might perceive that in the recent past (which recent past? 1950s.? 1850s?) people didn't do this, maybe because (let's take the 1950s) Donna Reed didn't do it on her TV show. But that doesn't mean that the 50s weren't also the decade of the Beat Generation and heavy petting. Hooking up, historically, has sometimes been praised, other times reviled, but always accepted as a thing that happens.

[kismetkismet]

Excellent observations, and I pretty much agree with what you say, but I think sex between two consenting adults who are open and honest can also be a power keg. It can be lead to emotional pain, unhealthy attachments etc.

 

Everything in life that has the potential to bring joy, also has the potential to bring pain. If you spend your whole life trying to avoid pain you won't experience anything of worth.