How to deal with a past of casual sex

[soulseek]

My partner has an extremely high sex drive, been single for 3 years but has engaged in a lot of casual sex for the sake of just wanting sex (20+).

 

I may be wired differently, but why do people engage in and are okay with casual sex (same person or various people)? How can such intimate moments be shared where feelings don't develop? One can't say there is less drama because I've heard stories of hurt feelings on one side even though expectations were set and made clear prior to hooking up.

 

Since he has engaged in a lot of casual sex... It makes me feel like sex isn't as important in our relationship as he can and has simply find that elsewhere.

I feeling a bit inadequate and insecure.

Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated

[Gaeta]

I can assure you if it bothers you now it will always bother you. There is no trick for it to bother you less. You 2 have different views in sex and it's ok, doesn't mean yours or his is wrong it's just different.

 

Because you're the one it bothers then I think you should move on to someone with the same sex-values as you.

 

As it stands now you don't feel special and he'll be sad and powerless you feel that way toward him only because he's had sex before.

 

Do you both a favor and end it.

[smackie9]

Being able to have casual sex doesn't make you an empty vessel, unable to be emotionally connected to the right person later on in life.

[juniorrocha]

You don't like to have casual sex, but not everyone is like you. It's not like you need feelings involved to have sex, even though that could be a preference of yours. I also have a high sex drive and I've had sex with many women before meeting my girlfriend, which was very good to me cause I could experiment, try new things and learn more about myself as well. It doesn't make sex with my girl any less special. In fact, I like it more 'cause you get to know the person you're involved with better and that allows you both to do what each other likes.

 

For me, casual sex is just like a game you're playing with someone else. It's only meant to have some fun. It's okay if you're not into it tho.

[Amelie1980]

You don't like to have casual sex, but not everyone is like you. It's not like you need feelings involved to have sex, even though that could be a preference of yours. I also have a high sex drive and I've had sex with many women before meeting my girlfriend, which was very good to me cause I could experiment, try new things and learn more about myself as well. It doesn't make sex with my girl any less special. In fact, I like it more 'cause you get to know the person you're involved with better and that allows you both to do what each other likes.

 

For me, casual sex is just like a game you're playing with someone else. It's only meant to have some fun. It's okay if you're not into it tho.

 

You're the guy with the foot fetish who cant tell his gf of 18 months about it though and it is an issue for you that you cant do foot jobs with her.

 

So in actual fact, your physical sexual needs were better met perhaps with one of your casuals who was into allowing you foot play.

 

Your own gf doesnt know what you're into so you cant really say your relationship allows you to do what each other likes.

 

Maybe its because you had so much casual sex where you could be yourself that it is an issue now.

 

Generally though, I form genuine bonds with people. I cant just have sex with someone and no feelings.

 

It made me fell less special where someone could just go and screw around between relationships not caring about that person. It would make me wonder when I was next or if they would care if we split up.

[Leucine]

It has nothing to do with sex not being important in your relationship, the opposite if anything if he has a high sex drive. As you said yourself, you're feeling insecure. You should ask yourself what exactly is making you feel that way and try to address it.

Edited January 5, 2016 by Leucine

[Michelle ma Belle]

Have you let your BF know how this makes you feel?

[Lobouspo]

OP, I think the fact you put a high a value on sex as an emotional construct is quite healthy. I am going to go against the grain of a lot of people on here who say that say "well its just sex, what's the big deal get over it". Sex in general is great, but can be quite devastating. Just read this forum, FWB's who got attached and had their heart broken, "harmless affairs" that wrecked families, self esteem. Breakups and divorces that ended up in suicides, people getting hurt, casual encounters that resulted in STD's, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, etc. So the fact you feel a bit insecure about his promiscuous lifestyle prior to meeting you is understandable. Process your feelings and discuss them, not a dealbreaker, but the fact he can compartmentalize in this area could be an area of concern down the road

[soulseek]

It has nothing to do with sex not being important in your relationship, the opposite if anything if he has a high sex drive. As you said yourself, you're feeling insecure. You should ask yourself what exactly is making you feel that way and try to address it.

 

 

The high sex drive in the relationship doesn't bother me. I think I'm insecure about his past because it makes sex feel with me no different than how it could be with a random or casual hook up partner. How does one address that?

[soulseek]

Have you let your BF know how this makes you feel?

 

Mhm he said there's sex with people for the sake of sex, and then there's sex with me which involves feelings. I've never been able to have sex work no strings attached so I have a hard time seeing his side.

[carhill]

How to deal with a past of casual sex

 

Accept that then was then and now is now.

 

I may be wired differently, but why do people engage in and are okay with casual sex (same person or various people)? How can such intimate moments be shared where feelings don't develop?

 

Do you masturbate? Pleasure yourself sexually? Some people prefer to pleasure themselves sexually with a person they find attractive. This usually starts at a young age while their personality is still forming during peer integration. Genital pleasure is connected with another person. That doesn't have to be a life partner or someone they're emotionally involved with. It's simply one of billions of we humans roaming the world, one they find attractive and want to have sex with.

 

I learned a lot about this from someone who practiced it whom I was married to. As you stated, it's different wiring.

 

People like to be desired sexually, especially by someone they're attracted to. It makes us, in general, feel good. Reproductive drives are like that. Some indulge more than others. No harm, no foul. All associations are presumed voluntary unless duress is involved. Free will.

 

This guy has every opportunity to settle down as much as any of the women I dated and the one I married. It's up to him, and you, to find what works for you as a couple. Hope it works out!

[Leucine]

The high sex drive in the relationship doesn't bother me. I think I'm insecure about his past because it makes sex feel with me no different than how it could be with a random or casual hook up partner. How does one address that?

 

But sex is different with a person that you have genuine feelings for as opposed to a random hookup, like he said. You want to be sure that you're special to him, but this concern only exists in your mind, not his. Of course you're more special than some one night stand.

[MissBee]

My partner has an extremely high sex drive, been single for 3 years but has engaged in a lot of casual sex for the sake of just wanting sex (20+).

 

I may be wired differently, but why do people engage in and are okay with casual sex (same person or various people)? How can such intimate moments be shared where feelings don't develop? One can't say there is less drama because I've heard stories of hurt feelings on one side even though expectations were set and made clear prior to hooking up.

 

Since he has engaged in a lot of casual sex... It makes me feel like sex isn't as important in our relationship as he can and has simply find that elsewhere.

I feeling a bit inadequate and insecure.

Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated

 

Maybe you have to start with your own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity first. Maybe those feelings are what are leading you to compare and feel inferior about his past.

 

Casual sex when one is single has nothing to do with how one feels about one's relationship. I would only be worried if he was saying he needs sex so much that one woman cannot satisfy him and he's gone outside of relationships. However, if he is single and not cheating, simply having sex outside of a relationship, it wouldn't be a big concern to me, so long as he was practicing safe sex.

 

I dunno what casual sex means for you, for some it means one night stands for some it means any sex not in a relationship context. I myself haven't done one night stands but I've definitely had sex outside of being in a relationship. While one night stand hook ups aren't my thing, I wouldn't assume that someone doing that has anything to do with their behavior regarding sex while in a relationship.

 

ALL of us can technically get sex anywhere, including you. You choose not. He choose to (WHILE SINGLE). Now that you're together, I'm sure he's not plotting ways to get sex from others. I think you being worried about that is something you should talk to him about. I understand feeling insecure about it especially if the problem is that you are less experienced and feels like he has been with more experienced women and you feel he may compare. But ultimately focus on the merits of your relationship and what you have together NOW, not what sex he had with others. Even for example if he never had casual sex, if he had other gfs before you, he had sex with them too, and it may be different than the sex you guys have, but why compare or worry? It will drive you mad. Just focus on what you have and making your current sex life with each other awesome instead of worrying about what he has done before.

[soulseek]

Maybe you have to start with your own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity first. Maybe those feelings are what are leading you to compare and feel inferior about his past.

 

Casual sex when one is single has nothing to do with how one feels about one's relationship. I would only be worried if he was saying he needs sex so much that one woman cannot satisfy him and he's gone outside of relationships. However, if he is single and not cheating, simply having sex outside of a relationship, it wouldn't be a big concern to me, so long as he was practicing safe sex.

 

I dunno what casual sex means for you, for some it means one night stands for some it means any sex not in a relationship context. I myself haven't done one night stands but I've definitely had sex outside of being in a relationship. While one night stand hook ups aren't my thing, I wouldn't assume that someone doing that has anything to do with their behavior regarding sex while in a relationship.

 

ALL of us can technically get sex anywhere, including you. You choose not. He choose to (WHILE SINGLE). Now that you're together, I'm sure he's not plotting ways to get sex from others. I think you being worried about that is something you should talk to him about. I understand feeling insecure about it especially if the problem is that you are less experienced and feels like he has been with more experienced women and you feel he may compare. But ultimately focus on the merits of your relationship and what you have together NOW, not what sex he had with others. Even for example if he never had casual sex, if he had other gfs before you, he had sex with them too, and it may be different than the sex you guys have, but why compare or worry? It will drive you mad. Just focus on what you have and making your current sex life with each other awesome instead of worrying about what he has done before.

 

 

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I've had some very traumatic sexual experiences and all my life I've seen as something I'm given in place of a shared experience. He's tried his best to explain it but I've been way over thinking things. I guess I just need to work on my insecurities and confidence. Thank you

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

for me personally, I wished I slept around more when I was single and had more casual hook ups. That was the greatest regret of my life. While I was in my 20's I could have really learnt to enjoy sex instead of waiting for a 'Mr Right" that never came. Now because of my low sexual history I have more sexual hang ups and find sex sometimes really scary because I am scared that I don't measure up to someone's sexual experience.

 

A lot of men find a low sexual history is a red flag in woman in the same way that women find a low sexual history in a man a red flag.

 

 

I would be grateful that someone is choosing to love you in this moment. Even though you have a low sexual history and think of sex differently be grateful that you are at least having sex! so many people on loveshack aren't and wan't to!

 

I would ask what he learn't in his discriminate sexual days and ask him if he could teach you a thing or too.

Try and turn it around and make it a positive learning experience for the two of you.

[Take_Care]

My boyfriend of 2 years engaged in numerous counts of casual sex throughout his life. He admitted and self-realized this just recently but it was to fill a "void" that was missing in his life all these years. Sex without emotional attachment/intimacy is fun and pain-free. You do your business, and go on your way and never look back. He admitted vanilla sex with the one you love is much better than sleeping with Jane Doe's everyday.

 

I know men/woman who have gone through hard break ups/divorces who engage in casual sex for years. Interestingly these people still engage in "date activities" including doing things together & sex but claim it's NSA. It's a way to protect their hearts I suppose.

[phineas]

Have you let your BF know how this makes you feel?

 

He's already laid the pipe and notched the bedpost.

not like anything he can do now can take that back.

[phineas]

for me personally, I wished I slept around more when I was single and had more casual hook ups. That was the greatest regret of my life. While I was in my 20's I could have really learnt to enjoy sex instead of waiting for a 'Mr Right" that never came. Now because of my low sexual history I have more sexual hang ups and find sex sometimes really scary because I am scared that I don't measure up to someone's sexual experience.

 

A lot of men find a low sexual history is a red flag in woman in the same way that women find a low sexual history in a man a red flag.

 

 

I would be grateful that someone is choosing to love you in this moment. Even though you have a low sexual history and think of sex differently be grateful that you are at least having sex! so many people on loveshack aren't and wan't to!

 

I would ask what he learn't in his discriminate sexual days and ask him if he could teach you a thing or too.

Try and turn it around and make it a positive learning experience for the two of you.

 

I do meet women in their early 40's that were married since 18 & claim to have low numbers because of that.

 

They do in fact feel insecure about it because they assume (correctly) that i've had experience with many women.

 

But to be honest, i'm good in bed for it. i've been with enough women that I can usually figure out what rings their bell & can also direct a woman on how to please me.

Most have good instincts or have more skills than they give themselves credit for.

 

Or they are full of crap when they claim low numbers. LOL!

[soulseek]

My boyfriend of 2 years engaged in numerous counts of casual sex throughout his life. He admitted and self-realized this just recently but it was to fill a "void" that was missing in his life all these years. Sex without emotional attachment/intimacy is fun and pain-free. You do your business, and go on your way and never look back. He admitted vanilla sex with the one you love is much better than sleeping with Jane Doe's everyday.

 

I know men/woman who have gone through hard break ups/divorces who engage in casual sex for years. Interestingly these people still engage in "date activities" including doing things together & sex but claim it's NSA. It's a way to protect their hearts I suppose.

 

 

Is there a difference between one night stands and choosing a partner to have sex with for fun on a regular basis for fun? My partner was not having one night stands but rather had a women he was sleeping with for fun....

[thecrucible]

for me personally, I wished I slept around more when I was single and had more casual hook ups. That was the greatest regret of my life. While I was in my 20's I could have really learnt to enjoy sex instead of waiting for a 'Mr Right" that never came. Now because of my low sexual history I have more sexual hang ups and find sex sometimes really scary because I am scared that I don't measure up to someone's sexual experience.

 

A lot of men find a low sexual history is a red flag in woman in the same way that women find a low sexual history in a man a red flag.

 

This is not true in my case but your experience also goes to show, you're just damned if you do; damned if you don't. I often wonder about my sexual history which is a mix of a few serious relationships and some more casual scenarios, none of which I feel particular pride in but I believe I also have the right not to feel embarrassed about them. While my doubts about sexual experience are fewer, I now wonder how certain guys would judge certain things I have done. I would not bring certain things up and they would not be relevant to who I am now so then I think "It looks like future relationships will be like a lie where the guy will put me on some pedestal and I won't want to tear it down." And seeing how some men act in casual situations and seeing guys with girlfriends hit on me in the past, it just makes me think a lot of relationships are a farce...so that kind of makes me really cynical :.

 

Dear OP, I'm sure your guy doesn't want his past to define him or get in the way of him expressing his love for you. Sex with someone you love is far superior to any casual encounter. You can learn things together and learn what each other likes and this will make it something meaningful between the two of you. And you love each other so it will feel special.

[oldshirt]

the real issue here is you have differing values and mores. That is a valid deal breaker.

 

 

It's not that either one of you is right or wrong. It is that you have differing beliefs, values and mores in regards to something that is very foundational to a relationship.

 

 

One of the key components of a relationship is respect, admiration and esteem for the other person as well as how they make you feel about yourself.

 

 

If you have trouble respecting and admiring him because you think he acts in a distasteful and dishonorable manner, that is a big issue because women cannot really desire men they do not respect and admire (even if he is good looking and sexy)

 

 

And perhaps more importantly, women have trouble being with men who do not make them feel loved, respected, special and cherished. If you feel that you are just another one of his conquests and another notch on his bedpost, it isn't going to work no matter what he says or no matter how many sweet and thoughtful gifts he gives you etc.

[Take_Care]

Is there a difference between one night stands and choosing a partner to have sex with for fun on a regular basis for fun? My partner was not having one night stands but rather had a women he was sleeping with for fun....

There really isn't a difference. Either way he knows he has no emotional attachment whatsoever to these women. My boyfriend admits who he's "dated" in the past and who he considered a "FWB". A FWB is you see for physical enjoyment without emotional attachment. Generally I believe these are boundaries that are discussed on both terms and men are very honest if they're not looking for a relationship. My boyfriend has admitted that he felt "empty" afterwards whether it was a one night stand or just having sex with someone frequently but casually.

 

It's having sex with someone you know you'd never have romantic feelings towards (think of someone like the annoying guy in high school you hated, or a co-worker you never bother with at work). You forget about them during the day/week until your next "fix." If someone who made you heart sink to your stomach came along you could easily cut contact with your sex buddy and settle down in a relationship. I understand your insecurities about his past, but the past is the past. As long as this man treats you with respect, is honest with you, & gives you monogamy then work through your doubts with him. Best of luck OP.

[SolG]

Mhm he said there's sex with people for the sake of sex, and then there's sex with me which involves feelings. I've never been able to have sex work no strings attached so I have a hard time seeing his side.

 

Is there a difference between one night stands and choosing a partner to have sex with for fun on a regular basis for fun? My partner was not having one night stands but rather had a women he was sleeping with for fun....

 

Hi OP. I'm a woman, but I think I may be a little like your BF. But you'd actually need to talk to him in depth to confirm.

 

I don't do ONSs either, but I do indulge in casual sex with a couple of regular partners. ONSs are too risky IMO. I like to at least like the people I sleep with, and be completely explicit upfront that it's a strictly non-romantic arrangement (although it can be friendly). I find this type of sex delightful and functionary. But for me whilst it's always pleasant and passionate, it's never mindblowing.

 

For me the mindblowing really meaningful sex only happens with a romantic connection. I can't be vulnerable to the extent required to be completely wild and uninhibited without the trust and openness that comes from emotional intimacy.

 

So at least to me there is sex, and then there is sex with someone you love. They are like chalk and cheese with the latter being the far superior and more meaningful experience.