He came back after leaving... But I'm struggling with moving on from the pain?

[Take_Care]

Hello,

 

Can anyone give me advice on how you moved past the pain? My SO left me six months ago projecting his problems/anger towards me. He got up, left, and never looked back until recently when he realized "what we had" after sleeping around with his past flings/**** buddies. He claimed it didn't feel right, and admitted his faults six months ago and how he's changing himself. He says he loves me (first time he's told me this). I haven't moved on, but the pain from the break up and how he treated me is still there. In the back of my mind I'm fearful he'll up and leave again... Does a man really need to leave to realize what he lost? I did take him back, and accepted him for his mistakes. I am dealing with this pain myself currently and trying to move on from the past.

[samanil]

I left my GF because I needed to figure myself out. I am now trying to get back together with her (and if I do I would like to be with her for the rest of my life). I don't know about your specific situation, but sometimes guys need to leave to figure themselves out.

[goldway90]

"My SO left me six months ago projecting his problems/anger towards me"

 

Sounds like emotional abuse, was this guy switching from angry to being sweet during your relationship?

[phenix]

Well that's a nice love story to tell. You deserve someone with a better grip on their emotions. GL

[Take_Care]

"My SO left me six months ago projecting his problems/anger towards me"

 

Sounds like emotional abuse, was this guy switching from angry to being sweet during your relationship?

Hey Goldway,

Yes he was. And it was definitely a form of emotional abuse in various forms of being passive aggressive, blaming me for "lying/cheating", name calling, etc. Of course these spurts would end with him apologizing. Towards the end of the relationship, he blamed me for everything (our break up, how he felt, his problems, my problems, etc.) It really seemed like he was looking for an easy way out... I tried my best to work it out and he was just nasty in every way possible towards me (which still hurts to think about).

 

I attempted to contact him a couple times during our break without a response and let it be after a few tries. I definitely see a different side of him now that we're back together with him being more honest & less closed off. It's nice seeing him admit to his faults & make an attempt to work through hardships. He admitted to me bi-polar runs in his family & the doctors told him he had it too (but he denies it & refuses to take medication). He is older than me, and numerous male friends tell me he acts this way because he knows he has power/control over me. He's 20 years my senior.

[phenix]

You talk like there's only 1 fish in the ocean

[DrMario]

If it took somebody I loved to have to sleep with other men to come to her senses about her true feelings for me, I would reject her all day long, there are far better and healthier ways to deal with figuring out feelings.

[Captivating]

Hey Goldway,

Yes he was. And it was definitely a form of emotional abuse in various forms of being passive aggressive, blaming me for "lying/cheating", name calling, etc. Of course these spurts would end with him apologizing. Towards the end of the relationship, he blamed me for everything (our break up, how he felt, his problems, my problems, etc.) It really seemed like he was looking for an easy way out... I tried my best to work it out and he was just nasty in every way possible towards me (which still hurts to think about).

 

I attempted to contact him a couple times during our break without a response and let it be after a few tries. I definitely see a different side of him now that we're back together with him being more honest & less closed off. It's nice seeing him admit to his faults & make an attempt to work through hardships. He admitted to me bi-polar runs in his family & the doctors told him he had it too (but he denies it & refuses to take medication). He is older than me, and numerous male friends tell me he acts this way because he knows he has power/control over me. He's 20 years my senior.

 

Hi,

The reason that it is hard for you to move on the emotional pain is that your brain is trying to protect you from the same thing happening all over again.

You took him back because your heart still loves him but your brain is cautious.

 

My GUESS is, that he started a relationship that didn't work out and he went back to you. He acted weird towards the end of your relationship, he met someone wanted her, tried to put the blame on you so he can break it off easier with you by being a coward. Some people think that when the honey-moon phase of the relationship is over then the relationship itself is over. Then one day another exciting candidate shows up in their lives and they start to feel "alive" again. Then they find out that the "grass is not always greener" on the other side of the fence.

 

It is just weird that he acts distant at the end of the relationship, disrespectful to you, then leaves you using lame excuses, then he doesn't contact you at all, at least asking whether you are ok or not, when you write him he doesn't respond. Generally treating you really poorly!!!! .... After all this he has the balls to come back If I were you I wouldn't let him back or I would give him a very hard time returning. You are nobody's doormat or second choice ! YOU DESERVE WAY BETTER THAN THAT! Not to mention that he is 20 years older, what?? Too old for you....and doesn't appreciate you it seems like. This is his last chance with you !

[mmmike]

If it took somebody I loved to have to sleep with other men to come to her senses about her true feelings for me, I would reject her all day long, there are far better and healthier ways to deal with figuring out feelings.

 

Not necessarily. Sometimes people make a genuine mistake and realize what they had after leaving and then want to come back. I think every couple is different and everyone needs to figure things out on their own.

[mmmike]

Hi,

The reason that it is hard for you to move on the emotional pain is that your brain is trying to protect you from the same thing happening all over again.

You took him back because your heart still loves him but your brain is cautious.

 

My GUESS is, that he started a relationship that didn't work out and he went back to you. He acted weird towards the end of your relationship, he met someone wanted her, tried to put the blame on you so he can break it off easier with you by being a coward. Some people think that when the honey-moon phase of the relationship is over then the relationship itself is over. Then one day another exciting candidate shows up in their lives and they start to feel "alive" again. Then they find out that the "grass is not always greener" on the other side of the fence.

 

It is just weird that he acts distant at the end of the relationship, disrespectful to you, then leaves you using lame excuses, then he doesn't contact you at all, at least asking whether you are ok or not, when you write him he doesn't respond. Generally treating you really poorly!!!! .... After all this he has the balls to come back If I were you I wouldn't let him back or I would give him a very hard time returning. You are nobody's doormat or second choice ! YOU DESERVE WAY BETTER THAN THAT! Not to mention that he is 20 years older, what?? Too old for you....and doesn't appreciate you it seems like. This is his last chance with you !

 

God, ageist much? Look at that gay swimmer dude marrying that writer who is 20 years older. Who cares about age! I'm in my 30's, you sound 13 with an attitude like that. One of my colleagues is 34 and she just married a 53 year old after dating him for four years. Have more of an open mind. Love is love.

[omomo]

How was he like when you were in a relationship before? Has he always been emotionally abusive? If he is, do you want to live like that for the rest of your life?

 

You have already made your decision to accept him. So, you'll have to live with his bi-polar syndrome. But if he is not treating you well and is emotionally abusive again regardless of whether or not he loves you, I just hope you would recognize the red flags faster and leave. Until then proceed with caution.

[goldway90]

Hey Goldway,

Yes he was. And it was definitely a form of emotional abuse in various forms of being passive aggressive, blaming me for "lying/cheating", name calling, etc. Of course these spurts would end with him apologizing. Towards the end of the relationship, he blamed me for everything (our break up, how he felt, his problems, my problems, etc.) It really seemed like he was looking for an easy way out... I tried my best to work it out and he was just nasty in every way possible towards me (which still hurts to think about).

 

I attempted to contact him a couple times during our break without a response and let it be after a few tries. I definitely see a different side of him now that we're back together with him being more honest & less closed off. It's nice seeing him admit to his faults & make an attempt to work through hardships. He admitted to me bi-polar runs in his family & the doctors told him he had it too (but he denies it & refuses to take medication). He is older than me, and numerous male friends tell me he acts this way because he knows he has power/control over me. He's 20 years my senior.

 

Of course he did, typical abuser. Honestly the best way to heal is block him, NC all the way. Don't take him back he's not going to change. You may look for Trauma Bonding it would explain some things for you, help you get an idea on how to move on. I'm sorry you went through this, remember you deserve better.

[kiki2015]

Hi TC,

 

Sounds pretty much like my break up of about five months ago and I'm sure he met someone else towards the end. Same behaviour etc. My ex is still with that girl now (I think). I think I'd feel the same way you do tbh but mine hasn't tried to come back (yet, you never know...)

 

Do you feel like you could trust him again? I don't think I could.