newmoon Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 a guy i casually date, periodically gets his facts wrong. for instance... he'll say he told me something, came to visit me last week (or whenever), did something, etc. when he absolutely did not. he is 21 years older than me and i'm fairly certain (no joke) that it's memory loss on his part. he often forgets things (work-related) and misplaces things that are right in front of him. but, he blames me. says that i do not remember the facts right, or that i hid his phone from him (which is right on a table nearby), or etc. today, he says he told me his dad died two weeks ago. well, no, i'd remember that for certain! it gets very 'testy' between us b/c he is unwilling to acknowledge that he did/did not mention something or lose something all on his own. and he always blames me, and never admits he is wrong. the one time he did admit he was wrong it was 3 weeks afterwards, and only after i really proved it to him. how to deal with this?? i don't even know how to start handling it. we're not *that* close, just date very casually. he's a nice man and we get along, but this really bugs me. any suggestions (other than "end it now!")?
Wewon Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Have a candid conversation about it. Not a, "Hey Gramps, your memory is slipping, let's talk about it." but a "It bothers me when you accuse me of things that I didn't do" type conversation.
11012015 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 a guy i casually date, periodically gets his facts wrong. for instance... he'll say he told me something, came to visit me last week (or whenever), did something, etc. when he absolutely did not. he is 21 years older than me and i'm fairly certain (no joke) that it's memory loss on his part. he often forgets things (work-related) and misplaces things that are right in front of him. but, he blames me. says that i do not remember the facts right, or that i hid his phone from him (which is right on a table nearby), or etc. today, he says he told me his dad died two weeks ago. well, no, i'd remember that for certain! it gets very 'testy' between us b/c he is unwilling to acknowledge that he did/did not mention something or lose something all on his own. and he always blames me, and never admits he is wrong. the one time he did admit he was wrong it was 3 weeks afterwards, and only after i really proved it to him. how to deal with this?? i don't even know how to start handling it. we're not *that* close, just date very casually. he's a nice man and we get along, but this really bugs me. any suggestions (other than "end it now!")? If it is not a memory issue, I'd look up "Gaslighting." it happened to me once and I had no idea it was a thing. 1
GemmaUK Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I'm thinking gaslighting or early onset alzheimers. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 How old is he, exactly? It could be gaslighting. It could be a health-related issue. If you're only casually dating, it needs to be addressed before you commit to anything. Tell him you don't appreciate being accused of things you didn't do (ie. hiding his phone) and that you're concerned how forgetful he is. Find out if he's got a history of memory loss or if this is a recent development. 1
Maggie4 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 If you want to continue seeing him, you have to know how to deal with dementia patients. Don't try to tell him he forgot or that he made mistakes. Just go along. His facts are just as real to him as your facts are to you. So why force him to admit something he does not believe in? Next time he remembers wrong, just play it down and change the subject.
Author newmoon Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 gaslighting.. wow, thanks all. never even heard of this until now. i suppose it's possible... thanks, will investigate this further
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