PurpleFlowers Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 THIS TIME LAST YEAR I MET AN INCREDIBLE MAN AT THE FARMERS MARKET. THE ATTRACTION WAS POWERFUL AND INSTANT.WE SEEMED TO MEET THERE THE SAME TIME EVERY WEEK FLIRTING SPONTANEOUSLY OVER THE ORGANIC VEGETABLES AND BLUEBERRIES. WE ENDED UP GOING OUT FOR A DRINK WHICH TURNED INTO SEVERAL DRINKS AND HE WALKED ME HOME AT 3 IN THE MORNING. WE WENT OUT TWO NIGHTS THERE AFTER... HAD SEX - IT WAS GREAT. ON THE THIRD DATE HE TOLD ME HE WAS MARRIED. I WAS SHOCKED - BUT NOT THAT SHOCKED CONSIDERING THAT I WONDERED WHAT WAS UP WHEN HE ALWAYS LEFT TO GO HOME - EVEN IF IT WAS 4 IN THE MORNING AND WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE TO JUST SPEND THE NIGHT... AND HE HAD BEEN EVASIVE ABOUT WHERE HE LIVED. SO I DID NOT SEE HIM FOR SEVERAL WEEKS - BUT THEN WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER AT THE MARKET AGAIN AND IT STARTED ALL OVER... HE TOLD ME ALL THE PREDICTABLE STUFF - MISERABLE WITH HIS WIFE - SLEEPING IN THE SPARE ROOM - THEY DONT HAVE ANY KIDS - JUST TRYING TO MAKE THE MOVE TO GET OUT.... LONG STORY SHORT.... WE KEPT SEEING EACH - HE KEPT SAYING HE WANTED TO LEAVE BUT WAS NOT READY TO HURT HER - HE LOVES ME BLAH BLAH BLAH. SHE CAUGHT US OUT AT A RESTAURANT ONE NIGHT AND THEN HE CONFESSED WHAT WAS UP - SHE KICKED HIM OUT. HE MOVED IN WITH A FRIEND BUT HAS MOVED NONE OF HIS STUFF OUT OF THE HOUSE HE SHARED WITH HER FOR NEARLY 20 YEARS. IT HAS BEEN ALMOST A YEAR - THE DIVORCE WILL BE FINAL IN NEARLY A MONTH - BUT HE HAS STILL NOT MOVED ANYTHING OUT. (WE FOUGHT ABOUT THIS) HE USES THE KEY TO GO OVER EVERY DAY AND WALK THE DOG THAT SHE GOT AFTER SHE KICKED HIM OUT. (WE FOUGHT ABOUT THIS) WE HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION AND SUPER CHEMISTRY - CONVERSATION - LAUGH SO MUCH TOGETHER... WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN... BUT HE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY WITH THIS ENRAGING PASSIVITY. I GUESS I HAVE PUSHED AND DEMANDED TO MUCH BECUASE LAST WEEK HE DID NOT RETURN MY CALL AND I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HIM SINCE. I THOUGHT SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAD HAPPENED BECUASE IT WAS NOT LIKE HIM AT ALL TO JUST NOT RESPOND TO ME (AND HE HAD BEEN AT MY HOUSE EVERY NIGHT FOR MONTHS... THEN I WENT FOR A WALK AND SAW HIM IN A BAR WITH A BUNCH OF FRIENDS JUST HAVING FUN. THIS WAS PARTICULARY PAINFUL FOR ME BECUASE EVERYONE IN THE BAR (REGULARS/STAFF ETC...) KNOW THE DEAL THAT WENT DOWN AND I AM THE ONE WHO GETS THE EVIL GLARES AND DOESNT GET WAITED ON.... HE CAN GO IN AND HAVE FUN - BUT I AM COMPLETELY SHUNNED!! BASICALLY - I JUST WANT TO LIBERATE MYSELF FROM HIM NOW. I AM EXHAUSTED AND EMOTIOANLLY STRAPPED. I HAVE STOPPED CALLING AND LEAVING HIM MESSAGES BEGGING HIM TO EXPLAIN HIMSELF... I ACTUALLY JUST FEEL DEFEATED AND TIRED AND WORN OUT NOW... BUT I AM AFRAID OF WHAT I WILL DO IF AND WHEN HE CALLS ME - AND I KIND OF THINK THAT EVENTAULLY HE WILL CALL ME. I DO NOT WANT TO PICK UP THAT PHONE AND LISTEN TO HIS SOB STORY AND TAKE HIM BACK!!! IF ANYONE HAS A MANTRA OR SUGGESTION FOR HELPING ME TO EXORCISE HIM - LET ME KNOW!!! (SPECIAL THANKS TO NOTHREAT FOR TELLING ME TO TELL THE STORY.)
Mz. Pixie Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 First of all, do NOT type in all caps. It's irritating and basically net speak for screaming......... Second of all, he will call- they all usually do. Lastly- honey, you deserve so much more than this. The woman is always the one who is persecuted in these situations. It's like if a man cheats he's a stud because he had more than one woman but the woman is always a slut. You know what happened- find yourself another bar and hold your head up high. Resolve to never be involved with another married man. I had to laugh when you said he is walking her dog- it really sounds to me like he's not over her yet! Just so you know, I've been the OW- so I'm not bashing you. I would never do it ever again because of the consequences of my actions. My whole world unraveled- and I'm not saying that I didn't deserve part of it. I've been on the receiving end of much worse than being just snubbed in the bar. Don't take your self esteem from what others think about you. Rise about that. When he calls- and I'm telling you- he will most likely- do not answer or return his calls! Be strong!
Author PurpleFlowers Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Ok, sorry if this posts twice... still figureing it out.... not net savvy... thanks for the tip about not typing in caps. Thanks for your message - was great to get.... YOu are so right - I even laughed myself reading my message over about the dog! I realize now that just becuase he sleeps at my place in no other way is he separated.
notrust Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 I agree with Mz. Pixie that women take more of the hit publically than the MM does. It isn't fair, but it happens. I too was the OW for 5 years. On June 11th it will be 3 months since I have talked to my xMM. The last time I talked to him he was on his way home to have the big confrontation with his wife. She had just found out about the affair and he was sure that she would kick him out. He was going to call me in a few hours and I have never heard another word from him. I live in a small town of 300 people and so does he. It has been the hardest time of my life, but I have learned so much. People were ready to crucify me and I let them. I apologized to everyone involved once the story was out. I owned up to my responsibility in the affair. I didn't defend myself and I didn't let my family defend me either. What I did was horrible. I was so caught up in the relationship that I truly didn't see how absolutely sickening what I had done was. The thing that happened and is still happening is, that while I made a point of admitting my part in the affair, xMM & wife did exactly the opposite. They blamed only me. Their families blamed only me. I have been verbally attacked publically by the wife (I deserved her wrath, so I let her have her say), and the wife's family. I was called a slut, was screamed at that I have broken up so many marriages that they can't keep track (totally untrue, I have been married since 1982 and left him when I became involved with MM, and MM is the one and only man I have ever been with that I was not married to), I was told that God would never forgive me for what I have done. They have approached my boss (a Dr.) and told him that if he didn't fire me they would ruin his business. He didn't and they are trying. The more they try to make it all my fault, the more people are seeing it differently. People aren't stupid. They realize that it takes two people to have an affair. I have learned that I made a huge mistake. I can't change it now. I have made a vow to never get involved with someone who is unavailable to me again. I would do anything to change it, but I can't. All I can do from this point on is to try to be the best person that I can be. I still think of him the second I wake up and pretty much all through the day. I still hurt, but it is getting better. There are times when I don't think I want to go on, and other days are really good. It is up and down and day to day, but I don't contact him. Never have and I never will. I wrote him tons of letters. I even put them in envelopes and had them stamped and ready to mail. I would tell myself that I would mail it in the morning or on Monday morning, but when the morning came, I was more rational and never did. I started a file of all my ramblings and letters to him. It is pretty thick, but no one has ever seen anything in it but me. I am so glad that I didn't try to contact him. It makes it easier now. I lived on these boards the first 6 weeks and I still spend a lot of time reading posts. It has really helped me. Hang in there purpleflowers. Post as often as you need to. Please don't contact him. Don't let him make a fool of you. He is not worth it. You can still make the best of the rest of your life. We don't have to be defined by our mistakes if we learn from them. The possibilities of the future are what keep me going. It is not easy, but I know it will be worth it. Take care and keep posting.
westernxer Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 Married men are the most charming... it gets proven time and time again.
Marshbear Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Married men are the most charming... it gets proven time and time again. Amen Westernxer. Hail to all that is holy to the MM.. Peace...
Author PurpleFlowers Posted June 4, 2005 Author Posted June 4, 2005 The messages made me cry and cry... (in a good releasing kind of way). That is so horrible what you went through... I can't imagine. You are so strong. He did call me last night. He spotted me out having fun with friends and he called my cell number several times. I went to the bathroom and I called him back and he gave me a really lame pathetic apology. He also tried to give me a sob story about how he is "spinning out of control, having a nervouse breakdown, and f'ing up the realtionship with me becuase of it." How typical... blame it on a nervouse breakdonw. I told him I thought he was full of S..... he knows exactly what he is doing, he is very much in control, and is just playing a studpid game of some sort. I refuse to participate... at this point there has been so much heart ache and betrayal and BS - that really there is no way i can ever trust him again anyway. Even when i think about what he did to his wife... it was horrible... he ditched her after 20 years of marriage like she was trash stuck on his shoe. She confronted me at work one day - came in screaming and made a real scene. It was horrible. We went out for coffee afterwards and I played down the whole situation so she would calm down. I listened to her side of the sotory though and I remember how sad it made me. He really treated her horribly. He showed no respect for what they had had at one time. He didnt discuss it with her. He gave her no respect or explanation. One day he just started going out without her... moved into the guest room and pursued me. She told me she cried and begged him not to do it and he just ditched her. I realize now that I was just his way to get out. An "exit affair" is the official word for it. He was to much of a coward to just say "I am not happy. I want out of this marriage." So instead he picked me up. I havenever felt so loved. I felt like our love was so magical and ethereal that it could survive ANYTING... it was worth all the pain for now becuase in the end we would be together with true love. He left all the evidence out so she would find it - she did find it and she kicked him out. I got the blame. the focus was on me - not him. While he adjusted to being separated and the transition in his life he used me as the falling place. My house is super cute and comfortable and he ran here everytime things became hard for him. Well now his divorce is about to be final and he doesnt need me anymore. So he handled ditching me the same way. He just checked out. i am so angry. I have never felt rage like this in all of my life... and I have been trampled on many many times. He hurt me more than the family friend who sexually abused me as a child. That guy I always knew was sick and twisted... I really trusted and believed in my MM. He totally let me down. Blew apart my belief in love. I justified everything he did to his wife by thinking... "He does not want to hurt her so he is acting out and temporarily crazy... our love is so special and deep that it will transcend all this heart ache andpain." I was soooooooooooooo naive and foolish and cant even belive it was me. Right after he told me he was married I had a dream - in the dream i looked in the mirror and my face was contorted and hideous... with huge bugling eyes. Then I turned from the mirror there was a snake - and electrified snake coming towards me. The dream was so real and vivid that I have thought about it often. I read in a dream book that snakes in dreams can often represent the challenge that is faced when one must give up something they think they cant live without. NOw the dream makes total sense to me. The snake was challenging me to give him up though I thought i could not live without him. When I woke up this morning I looked in the mirror and my face was almost unrecoqniable to me. My skin was so red and blochy and my eyes were HUGE swollen and disfigured. It was becuase I cried so much before going to bed that my face swelled up!!! Purple
smile95 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 wow I am sorry you are having a hard time! I have a similar story, but mine was sep and no one knows of me. But the part about him not calling and having a nervous breakdown must be something they use as an excuse! Mine has not called in 3 wks and is ognoring me. He calls me when he thinks i have moved on and is so sweet and i fall for every word. There is no reason for you to speak to him anymore. It will never be what he promised or what you dreamed. I am not trying to be mean at all, but I am here right now too and it just hurts to hold on and hurts to let go. You deserve to be #1. I felt he was the love of my life too, but ya know what, I have to convince myself that I deserve so much better
smile95 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 how did you get over the fact that he never called again???? How are you? Did you try and contact him a while? You assume he went back?
newbby Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 to notrust and beth and purple flowers, ((hugs)) and healing to you all, take this opportunity to heal your whole selves not the just part that got hurt by the affair but also the part that pushed you into the affair. it is always something whatever anyone says. purple flowers you sound like a very spiritual psychic person, the fact that you have such powerful dreams, i think you could really do some wonders in the healing professions. have you ever considered healing and helping others? heal yourself first of course. we should try and make these experiences a catalyst for our own self healing after all, what does getting involved in these situations scream at us? it certainly screams that we are desperate for something, that we dont value ourselves. i dont think that being too hard on ourselves is the way to go forward, if anything we should be being kinder to ourselves, i know that people say we were selfish, well yes on one level we were but were we really?? were we really so unaware that we really deep down on a subconcious level believed that we were getting into a good thing here?? no, we knew. but why do we drive ourselves to these places, we should look to the external as a mirror of the internal, it shows us how unhappy we are inside and all healing starts within. once you have healed inside you will begin to see this showing in the external mirror. in the situations you then find yourself in. dont let this experience be for nothing.
jj003 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 There is no reason for you to speak to him anymore. It will never be what he promised or what you dreamed. I am not trying to be mean at all, but I am here right now too and it just hurts to hold on and hurts to let go. unfortunately....how true !!!! hurts to hold on, hurts to let go... perhaps it was only our fantasy that we could ever have a real relationship with mm...it was never "real"
sylviaguardian Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 How about these for a mantra: - I am too good to be disrespected by this man, the way he disrespected his wife - His problem, not mine. Sylvia
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