planb1973 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I have been with my GF for 6 months. This is the second time we dated, the first was a year before and for about 4 months when she got scared and ran for no reason. So while I was making us dinner the other night her phone beeps, she looks at it and says "Oh (in disgust) its ___, he wants to get together." This guy ___ and my GF had an on/off relationship for a couple years, with her dating me during one of their off times the first time around. So naturally when she proposed dating me again, this time she was serious about it, I asked about this guy and if there were any lingering feelings I should know about. She told me he was not good for her, possibly boarderline, and that she had told him never to contact her again. Come to find out SHE was the one who contacted him, about a month ago, sending him a message that she "missed him." She has not seen him, and did tell him that she had a BF, but tells me she would some day like to catch up with him. I am not happy about this one single bit. I know she connected with him on a deep spiritual level, which I am not, and she misses that. While not over reacting I made it clear that I was upset, feeling threatened by this, that my level of trust feels jeopardized, and that I am very uncomfortable with her having contact with him. Being friends with ex's is one thing, I have them, and she has them. Neither of us are overly jealous. But this one is different. I have been with a boarderline and know the intoxicating feelings they can have, like a heroin addiction. I let her know that I appreciated her honesty, that it must have been hard to tell me. I am feeling now withdrawn as I process all this and I am fantasizing about throwing this guy ___ off a roof while looking at her and saying "problem solved." She assures me that she does not want to jeopardize our relationship, but I feel like I just got a slap in the face as our relationship has made great strides in closeness especially over that last month. Uhg!!!
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I may be wired differently because if my boyfriend of 6 months texted his ex <I miss you> our relationship would be over right there and then. Here is your answer. The trust is broken, no trust = no relationship. It's over. 9
PegNosePete Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 She assures me that she does not want to jeopardize our relationship Eh? She's already done that by sending such an inappropriate text. I'm with Gaeta, this would be an instant deal breaker for me. 2
Xiomn Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I am not happy about this one single bit. So you're not happy about it one single bit OP. I'll make a suggestion then, the only suggestion that should satisfy you in my opinion: Time to make an ultimatum, tell her you're not happy at all with her contacting her ex and if she doesn't cease all contact with him then you will leave her at the drop of a hat. It's him or me.
kendahke Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 She assures me that she does not want to jeopardize our relationship, Why didn't she act like this before she sent the "I miss you" message to him if she doesn't want to jeopardize your relationship? A bit late for that, IMO. She's basically lying in your face while going behind your back to connect with an ex she claims she's over. She's not over him. Want to know how I know? I don't contact my ex's telling them I miss them unless I wasn't over them and wanted to be a part of their life still and they mine. Seriously, you can't trust her as far as you can throw her off that roof you want to toss her ex off of. 2
LoveRefreshed Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Yup, I'd be done with her like the rest of the lot here. If she misses him so badly, she can go be with him. I won't be with any woman while she fantasizes and becomes nostalgic about a time since past with another man. Think about that for a bit- in this last six months with you (during your honeymoon phase) she has been focusing on what she is missing from her ex. Dude, jealous or not, that would give me a pang in the stomach. Ditch her. My gf is a flirt and experienced in polyamory. She doesn't understand why everyone can't just love everyone and she even puts more care into our relationship to drop an I miss you to any ex lover.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Yikes, I think you should end it. He still has a piece of her heart. For what it's worth, my ex is also (diagnosed) BPD. So I definitely get the extreme high-low cycle. But there's no way in heck he'd be able to attract me away from my current relationship. The fact that her ex apparently can and SHE initiated is a sign she's not committed to you. She's already broken your trust and this is the second time around - it's clear now the relationship isn't going anywhere with you. Sorry OP, but I would break up and free her up to see this guy whenever she pleases. 2
kendahke Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 my GF had an on/off relationship for a couple years, with her dating me during one of their off times the first time around. So naturally when she proposed dating me again, this time she was serious about it, I asked about this guy and if there were any lingering feelings I should know about. She told me he was not good for her, possibly boarderline, and that she had told him never to contact her again. Then how does "I miss you" figure into all of this? It doesn't. She's lying. Come to find out SHE was the one who contacted him, about a month ago, sending him a message that she "missed him." She has not seen him, and did tell him that she had a BF, but tells me she would some day like to catch up with him. She's talking out of both sides of her face. Well, give her all the time in the world to go catch up with him, since she's told you that's what she wants to do. Cut her loose before valentine's day before she makes an even bigger simp out of you than she already has. 2
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Time to make an ultimatum, tell her you're not happy at all with her contacting her ex and if she doesn't cease all contact with him then you will leave her at the drop of a hat. It's him or me. Then what? He will still be going to bed at night with a woman thinking about another man. It's over. This cannot be fixed. They're just dating 6 months there is nothing to salvage. 4
truth_seeker Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Here is your answer. The trust is broken, no trust = no relationship. It's over. I second this.
Samhain Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I have been with my GF for 6 months. This is the second time we dated, the first was a year before and for about 4 months when she got scared and ran for no reason. So while I was making us dinner the other night her phone beeps, she looks at it and says "Oh (in disgust) its ___, he wants to get together." This guy ___ and my GF had an on/off relationship for a couple years, with her dating me during one of their off times the first time around. So naturally when she proposed dating me again, this time she was serious about it, I asked about this guy and if there were any lingering feelings I should know about. She told me he was not good for her, possibly boarderline, and that she had told him never to contact her again. Come to find out SHE was the one who contacted him, about a month ago, sending him a message that she "missed him." She has not seen him, and did tell him that she had a BF, but tells me she would some day like to catch up with him. I am not happy about this one single bit. I know she connected with him on a deep spiritual level, which I am not, and she misses that. While not over reacting I made it clear that I was upset, feeling threatened by this, that my level of trust feels jeopardized, and that I am very uncomfortable with her having contact with him. Being friends with ex's is one thing, I have them, and she has them. Neither of us are overly jealous. But this one is different. I have been with a boarderline and know the intoxicating feelings they can have, like a heroin addiction. I let her know that I appreciated her honesty, that it must have been hard to tell me. I am feeling now withdrawn as I process all this and I am fantasizing about throwing this guy ___ off a roof while looking at her and saying "problem solved." She assures me that she does not want to jeopardize our relationship, but I feel like I just got a slap in the face as our relationship has made great strides in closeness especially over that last month. Uhg!!! First of all, the first time, she didn't get scared and "run for no reason" she ran back to him. Him being the same guy she is now texting behind your back telling him she misses him. Interesting that when asked if there were any lingering feelings she said "he was no good for her". Classic answer from somebody who knows a relationship was toxic but will still continue going back time and time again. She told him never to contact her again, but she texts him telling him she misses him? I'd throw her off of the roof, she's the only one causing the drama here. She has no respect for you and she isn't emotionally invested in you because she still has feelings for him. Their toxic on off relationship will continue and she will "run away" and throw you under the bus for this same guy a second time. This time you have the choice to tell her to get lost first, before she makes a fool of you again. 3
Amelie1980 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Then what? He will still be going to bed at night with a woman thinking about another man. It's over. This cannot be fixed. They're just dating 6 months there is nothing to salvage. They dated twice, the first time for 4 months and she left him for her ex. She is never going to stop. 3
Toodaloo Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Oh OP... please wake up... You are about to be dumped and she is going to go back to him then back to you and urgh the saga just never ever ends... Unless you end it and go find someone who understands what dignity and respect mean. Current lass hasn't treated you with either. All this baloney about deep spiritual connection how she has it with other guy but not you... Pft its just a load of old horse poop. She is a flitter and she will flit back and forth constantly. Just rip the plaster off and tell her to go away and leave you be. Then lick your wounds, mend your heart and go find a lass who is a bit more committed. By the way in 6 months a year she may try to come back. Don't let her. If you do you will have this all over again... 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I would dump this woman. Not spitefully but just because she's not over her ex and a three-way relationship is no fun at all. Dump her and move on to someone that has really been single long enough to not involve her ex into anything at all. No contact. No nothing.
hasaquestion Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Oh heeellll nooo This is the correct response verbatim. OP you need to break up with her. Then you need to look at yourself in the mirror tonight before you go to bed and look at a man who doesn't take sh*t from other people.
Maggie4 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 She misses him. I don't think she should stay with you. She's wasting her time. You can't give her what she's looking for. Whether or not she sent that text, SHE MISSES HIM.
shac Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I miss my ex when i am horny or I need a friend to talk to or an ego booster when I am single and he is single. I don't miss anyone when I am in a relationship. She misses him around you. Why would you continue be with someone who feels alone near your presence and lonely? Move on and brake up
carhill Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Ha, ha, get used to it. There's always missing something or someone. If you don't want to deal and feel it's a deal-breaker, then move on. If she's in your bed and rockin' your world, it's just noise. Until it isn't. Then life ends. Heh.
Mrin Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I hate to say it but I agree with the others. This would be a deal killer for me as well. I don't think I would be able to get past this and continue to be "all in". Keep her around if the sex is good but just realize that this isn't a real relationship anymore. 2
MissBee Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I may be wired differently because if my boyfriend of 6 months texted his ex <I miss you> our relationship would be over right there and then. Here is your answer. The trust is broken, no trust = no relationship. It's over. Yepp. Pretty much. I don't think there's much room for improvement here if SHE is reaching out to him. OP, you want to throw him off the roof, but he isn't the one reaching out, SHE is. So instead of throwing him off the roof in your fantasies, maybe you should throw her out of your life. I would never be able to move on from knowing this frankly, esp so early on. It seems you might be a rebound and she's still entrapped in this addicted love with her ex and you're a mere distraction from it. She knows he is bad for her and is maybe trying to be with you because she knows it is healthier, yet she still misses him, you admit she doesn't connect with you as deeply either....IMO, it's probably best to give this one up and be with someone who is all in with you.
Author planb1973 Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 I am listening to everything said here. I was sure the general consensus would be to drop her like a bad habit. Her contacting him in that way definitely crossed a line. Being friends with ex's is fine by me, but the nature of the relationship and how it ended has a lot to do with whether or not it is a valid friendship or still pinning. I do have an ex who I am friends with that she is not a big fan of but accepts it without much drama. So I have to be aware of that so as to not be a hypocrite. I am still on the fence as to this being a deal breaker. I am taking a firm stance that this ex of hers no longer exists for her, not in 6 months, not in 20 years. Delete permanently! End of discussion!
Gaeta Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I am still on the fence as to this being a deal breaker. I am taking a firm stance that this ex of hers no longer exists for her, not in 6 months, not in 20 years. Delete permanently! End of discussion! You can have her delete that man from her phone but how are you gonna have her delete him from her mind? If she wants to talk to him she will and she will do it behind your back. You are only dragging the inevitable. She misses him, not you. Sorry. 1
BMI03 Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I feel for you. I am facing similar challenges where my girlfriend and her long term ex still text/talk from time to time. It knots your stomach like virus. It makes you nervous every time she picks up the phone because the shock waves of the last conversation ripple through your bones. It's a bad feeling. But if like me, you love her. And so it puts you in a much more complicated position than someone outside of it can feel. I hope it works out and the two of you build each other's confidence to where a healthy relationship needs to be.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 You can have her delete that man from her phone but how are you gonna have her delete him from her mind? If she wants to talk to him she will and she will do it behind your back. You are only dragging the inevitable. She misses him, not you. Sorry. This. OP, you can ban him but that doesn't change the fact that she is wanting him while in a relationship with you. You can't change her feelings. 1
Recommended Posts