Panserchu Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Hello! Well, I don't do this much. I think it's the first time I've posted in a forum in years. I come here out of desperation, I've nobody else to talk to about this and I really need to share it with someone who understands and doesn't judge me for it. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend about eight months ago, in April 2015, after two years of relationship. She left me for another man, who's better at everything, I imagine. It's been a long and arduous trip to getting over her, and lately it's been getting harder. I took it really bad in the beginning. I'd moved into a new city in order to start my career and I was living with roomies and that's where I met her. Two years later, and after our breakup I found myself in a really lonely enviroment, away from home, in a place where everything reminded me of her, so I started doing things I'm not very proud of. I started drinking heavily just so I could sleep at night, I started going out with a bad crowd and ended up doing drugs for some time, although not the hard stuff, mainly psychedelics, but still. I guess it was some sort of escapism. I figured that lifestyle was toxic and non-beneficial pretty quick, so two months after our breakup I made a decision. I quit college, quit my job, and decided to migrate overseas to live with my brother in Europe, and continue my life there. I had plans with her, we were to go overseas together. I could've gone earlier but decided to wait for her. Then we broke up, so I decided to speed it up. It'd take a few months to get all the papers ready, so for three months I went back home, stayed with my parents, revisited old friendships, and those three months really helped me get out of that crippling depression and back on the metaphoric horse. It's been three months since I moved now. Already found a job and am well on my way to getting into another college. I've built a small social circle already and am very grateful to spend time with my older brother. But the thing is, I can't get her out of my head. Lately I've been having night terrors, where I dream we're back together or that we never broke up or that I met her by chance in a little coffee shop and as soon as I notice it's a dream her face blurs up horribly and I start panicking, and when I open my eyes in terror I try to move but I can't. It's been happening for a while now and it's driving me insane. Even in a foreign country that has no connection to her, everything still reminds me of her. Every little word, every detail, there's something. I've tried dating to no avail, I just can't seem to get invested enough into someone, I mean, what's the point? Getting my heart broken again? I'm also not interested in superfluous relationships, they simply don't motivate me. I've tried focusing on my work and my studies and it works for a bit, but then I end up feeling absolutely lonely and sad, I've gone eight months without so much as a single brush of skin with the opposite sex and it's really starting to put a dent in my self image and self esteem. Overall, I feel like I'm going insane, I feel like I need help. Am I really crazy? I've cut off all contact with her and haven't heard from her since the day I took the flight, she texted me saying something like "Wish you the best, you're a good man and I know good things will come for you" and I hated her for it. Two years of relationship and then we break up, she finds another man, and after all we've been through I leave the country for good and all she can say is a small whimsy text that I didn't even get until the plane landed. I'm sorry for ranting, but I haven't been able to share this with anyone and I'd really like to know: does it get better? PS: English isn't my native language, so sorry for any gramatical errors.
mbgeezle Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Bro this sounds extremely tough for you. It took me a year to get over my first break up with a bpd sufferer who left me for someone else. It's a long hard road. But you must stay positive! You are doing all the right things. emersing yourself into your studies and building a small social circle. 8 months and you haven't been near another girl says something. You aren't as shallow to just be interested in sex with a woman, you want a actual connection. Nothing to be ashamed of, I'm exactly the same. A few one night stands here and there in my time but I've had 2 meaningful relationships and it out ways everything else I've experienced All I would suggest is keep doing what you are doing. people are cold in this day and age. The bull the media and social media feeds us is turning meaningful relationships into a prized commodity. Take each day as it comes and keep improving. I keep faith their is someone out their for me and one day we will meet. Until then it's time to rebuild yourself in a complete new way.
Author Panserchu Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Bro this sounds extremely tough for you. It took me a year to get over my first break up with a bpd sufferer who left me for someone else. It's a long hard road. But you must stay positive! You are doing all the right things. emersing yourself into your studies and building a small social circle. 8 months and you haven't been near another girl says something. You aren't as shallow to just be interested in sex with a woman, you want a actual connection. Nothing to be ashamed of, I'm exactly the same. A few one night stands here and there in my time but I've had 2 meaningful relationships and it out ways everything else I've experienced All I would suggest is keep doing what you are doing. people are cold in this day and age. The bull the media and social media feeds us is turning meaningful relationships into a prized commodity. Take each day as it comes and keep improving. I keep faith their is someone out their for me and one day we will meet. Until then it's time to rebuild yourself in a complete new way. Thank you very much for your kind words. I do feel like I'm doing the right thing, but it feels like no matter what I do, my subconscious still gets the better of me by sending me these awful dreams and signals. It's just hard.
mbgeezle Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I'm about 2 weeks out of a break up and I'm a mess myself. But I'm faking it till I make it! I to have a sneaky suspicion there is someone else even though there wasn't one sign that she had lost attraction or love for me. But I accept the situation as it is and just keep on moving forward day by day. even though I do spend a lot of it thinking about her and the wanting her back. The gym is the peace I find and become better physically is helping my mental state slowly. Also spending money on myself and being super strict with my diet. its just another focus to take my mind off her even though it's still there and will be for some time to come. There is no atop gap with this. Time is the only thing you and me have on our sides so use it to your advantage brother!
GlobeTrotter9 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Mate I really feel for you. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me not so long ago completely out of the blue 'because she wanted to be on her own for a while and see if she could make it alone'. And by that she meant seeing somebody she works with 5 days after we broke up. I know the crushing feeling of knowing you've been replaced so quickly and like everything you used to have together meant nothing. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say you'll wake up one day and feel absolutely fine. The grieving process is a long and drawn out one that everyone handles differently. Don't fight it, just accept that there will be days or nights where you feel really upset and miss them. Most importantly though keep doing what you're doing! Get out there and socialise, travel and enjoy all the good things in life! I felt like there was never going to be another girl out there for me and that nobody would ever live up to what we had. But those feelings slowly fade! While I haven't found anyone yet, I'm completely open to the possibility of being even happier with another girl now. Take all the time you need to move on. All the best mate and welcome to Europe!
mbgeezle Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Mate I really feel for you. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me not so long ago completely out of the blue 'because she wanted to be on her own for a while and see if she could make it alone'. And by that she meant seeing somebody she works with 5 days after we broke up. I know the crushing feeling of knowing you've been replaced so quickly and like everything you used to have together meant nothing. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say you'll wake up one day and feel absolutely fine. The grieving process is a long and drawn out one that everyone handles differently. Don't fight it, just accept that there will be days or nights where you feel really upset and miss them. Most importantly though keep doing what you're doing! Get out there and socialise, travel and enjoy all the good things in life! I felt like there was never going to be another girl out there for me and that nobody would ever live up to what we had. But those feelings slowly fade! While I haven't found anyone yet, I'm completely open to the possibility of being even happier with another girl now. Take all the time you need to move on. All the best mate and welcome to Europe! globetrotter has it spot on. sort of the same thing happened to me. How many days/months are you into NC yourself? They definitely do slowly fade. There is not one track for everyone we all follow different paths and grieving processes. I go through stages myself of convincing myself I'm over it and I'm gonna be ok. to thoughts of despair and missing her and wanting to reach out. I will not do that. I am to mentally strong but I do have my moments. I still want my ex back and love her dearly. and her saying she loves me and it won't change and she wants us but not now does hold soke form of weight in my mind that I no I need to remove. Words are just that, words. Actions are what I want to see and if I see none I just carry on as I am. You are the key to your own happiness. no one else!
Author Panserchu Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Mate I really feel for you. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me not so long ago completely out of the blue 'because she wanted to be on her own for a while and see if she could make it alone'. And by that she meant seeing somebody she works with 5 days after we broke up. I know the crushing feeling of knowing you've been replaced so quickly and like everything you used to have together meant nothing. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say you'll wake up one day and feel absolutely fine. The grieving process is a long and drawn out one that everyone handles differently. Don't fight it, just accept that there will be days or nights where you feel really upset and miss them. Most importantly though keep doing what you're doing! Get out there and socialise, travel and enjoy all the good things in life! I felt like there was never going to be another girl out there for me and that nobody would ever live up to what we had. But those feelings slowly fade! While I haven't found anyone yet, I'm completely open to the possibility of being even happier with another girl now. Take all the time you need to move on. All the best mate and welcome to Europe! I imagine that's why it's been so hard. This isn't my first rodeo on the heartbreak hotel, but it's the first time I genuinely feel betrayed. I never cheated on her and I trust that she never did the same to me, but knowing that she could replace me so quick after all we've been through is simply heart-wrenching.
Author Panserchu Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 globetrotter has it spot on. sort of the same thing happened to me. How many days/months are you into NC yourself? They definitely do slowly fade. There is not one track for everyone we all follow different paths and grieving processes. I go through stages myself of convincing myself I'm over it and I'm gonna be ok. to thoughts of despair and missing her and wanting to reach out. I will not do that. I am to mentally strong but I do have my moments. I still want my ex back and love her dearly. and her saying she loves me and it won't change and she wants us but not now does hold soke form of weight in my mind that I no I need to remove. Words are just that, words. Actions are what I want to see and if I see none I just carry on as I am. You are the key to your own happiness. no one else! As I said, last time I heard from her was three months ago, on the day I came here. Before that, there'd been some on and off calls and such, but we always ended up fighting. Last time I reached out was a month before moving, I sent her a long e-mail telling her how I felt, trying to make peace with her, yet apologizing for nothing. She called me the next day and we figured we'd be friends, and that was that, no more contact. There was a small incident last month, she never deleted our pictures together from her instagram and some anonymous person started tagging me and her new boyfriend on our old pictures. I blocked the account and pretended it never happened, and she never contacted me about it either, so I guess that's good.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 (edited) Well the good news is you're doing all the right things! Moving, changing your routine, finding new friends, reconnecting with old acquaintances, etc. Just know that you are indeed on the path to recovery, even if the results aren't as good as you hoped by now. There is no amount of time that you need to take, everyone does it in there own time! What I'm keying in on here is:"She left me for another man, who's better at everything, I imagine." and "what's the point? Getting my heart broken again?" This shows to me you have a problem with self confidence, which is what keeps you from fully healing. This other guy is for sure not better than you at everything. He's probably not better than you at most things. How do you know if they're still even together? If you're still looking at her Facebook, that's why you haven't healed. Just block her everywhere and you'll soon start to forget her face. That part helps a lot. Girls start dating other guys after a relationship for multiple reasons. He might have been a rebound or she might legitimately care about him, either way, it's not because he's better than you, he's just different. Just like you shouldn't compare your ex to all of the girls you date in the future, you shouldn't compare your ex's new boyfriends to yourself. It doesn't help and you don't know what he's like. I understand that's easy to say and less easy to do, but it stems from self confidence. You need to believe that you are someone worth dating. Start by telling yourself all the things you like about yourself. If there are big things that you don't like about yourself, try to change those things. When you start to believe in yourself and walk around like you matter, you'll find that girls will start to put themselves around you. Edited January 5, 2016 by rjblak13
Author Panserchu Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Well the good news is you're doing all the right things! Moving, changing your routine, finding new friends, reconnecting with old acquaintances, etc. Just know that you are indeed on the path to recovery, even if the results aren't as good as you hoped by now. There is no amount of time that you need to take, everyone does it in there own time! What I'm keying in on here is:"She left me for another man, who's better at everything, I imagine." and "what's the point? Getting my heart broken again?" This shows to me you have a problem with self confidence, which is what keeps you from fully healing. This other guy is for sure not better than you at everything. He's probably not better than you at most things. How do you know if they're still even together? If you're still looking at her Facebook, that's why you haven't healed. Just block her everywhere and you'll soon start to forget her face. That part helps a lot. Girls start dating other guys after a relationship for multiple reasons. He might have been a rebound or she might legitimately care about him, either way, it's not because he's better than you, he's just different. Just like you shouldn't compare your ex to all of the girls you date in the future, you shouldn't compare your ex's new boyfriends to yourself. It doesn't help and you don't know what he's like. I understand that's easy to say and less easy to do, but it stems from self confidence. You need to believe that you are someone worth dating. Start by telling yourself all the things you like about yourself. If there are big things that you don't like about yourself, try to change those things. When you start to believe in yourself and walk around like you matter, you'll find that girls will start to put themselves around you. Oh, but I haven't been looking at her Facebook. When they started going out and I found out, she insisted time and time again that he meant nothing to her. After a couple of months, on a stupidity impulse, and after going NC, I checked her Twitter feed and saw that she was very much in love with the dude. Then there's last month's incident which I explained in a previous post. I imagine that they're still together, but I do not follow her on any social media, and I do not use Facebook regularly either. But you're absolutely right. I have been very self-conscious ever since we broke up and it's not helping at all. Maybe I should try improving on that. Thank you all for your kind responses, by the way. This is actually very helpful. 1
GlobeTrotter9 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Mate I really feel for you. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me not so long ago completely out of the blue 'because she wanted to be on her own for a while and see if she could make it alone'. And by that she meant seeing somebody she works with 5 days after we broke up. I know the crushing feeling of knowing you've been replaced so quickly and like everything you used to have together meant nothing. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say you'll wake up one day and feel absolutely fine. The grieving process is a long and drawn out one that everyone handles differently. Don't fight it, just accept that there will be days or nights where you feel really upset and miss them. Most importantly though keep doing what you're doing! Get out there and socialise, travel and enjoy all the good things in life! I felt like there was never going to be another girl out there for me and that nobody would ever live up to what we had. But those feelings slowly fade! While I haven't found anyone yet, I'm completely open to the possibility of being even happier with another girl now. Take all the time you need to move on. All the best mate and welcome to Europe!
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