ReluctantRomeo Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones How do you know Im not a spy gathering INTEL. and then go to my superiors back at Headquarters located in Victoria Secret..... Agent Double-D-7,......out !!! You're too funny!
Author confused05 Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 Well my confidence is moving in small steps ( better than large I hope ) Yest I suprised the hell out of my girl when she wanted to see her friends at a place I hate and I was like sure lets go ( really? ) but I think I failed when she said something I didnt want to hear and kinda whined but then caught myself. Then today she calls ( want me to come up to lunch and im like sure ) I work 30 miles from home. Then she canceled cause of the heat and was like are you mad, and or cranky and i was like No not at all thats fine. I feel better usually id be like , come why cant u come etc and harp on it.
SexKitten Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 maybe she wants you to go out once in a while with your friends cause she would like some time to herself. maybe she wants to miss you a little, and you can't miss someone who's always in your face. maybe she wants to you be like a normal guy who says "honey, i'm hanging out with the guys tonight, okay?" most girls may seem to guy want a guy who fawns all over her, but in all honesty, sometimes we just need you to go away. just for a little while. you live together, you naturally spend most of yout time with each other. that can be just too much for anybody at some point. everyone needs a little time alone. it seems like you're pretty clingy, and that's the best way to send someone running in the opposite direction.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Well my confidence is moving in small steps ( better than large I hope ) Yest I suprised the hell out of my girl when she wanted to see her friends at a place I hate and I was like sure lets go ( really? ) but I think I failed when she said something I didnt want to hear and kinda whined but then caught myself. Then today she calls ( want me to come up to lunch and im like sure ) I work 30 miles from home. Then she canceled cause of the heat and was like are you mad, and or cranky and i was like No not at all thats fine. I feel better usually id be like , come why cant u come etc and harp on it. Remember what I told you? CCSM? (Calm, Confident, Self Assured, Masculine). Before you interact with her or reply to any of her questions, take a deep breath! Do not "react" but rather quickly weigh the options of what you want to say to her. Whining, trust me, is the worst thing you can do.
SexKitten Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Whining, trust me, is the worst thing you can do. ugh, this is so, so true. nothing screams "i am less of a man" than whining.
Author confused05 Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Remember what I told you? CCSM? (Calm, Confident, Self Assured, Masculine). Before you interact with her or reply to any of her questions, take a deep breath! Do not "react" but rather quickly weigh the options of what you want to say to her. Whining, trust me, is the worst thing you can do. I know and thats why I caught/tried to catch myself fast.. ( DONT DO THIS ) hahaha Like you said its going to come in steps so Im def trying. Tonight shes off but I have plans to play some ball and get a beer or 2.
Author confused05 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 I finally got the book " no more mr nice guy" im on page 100 of like 180 so far its been a good read. It describes alot of my habits.. Its not 100% on but its right on a good amount of stuff. I guess some people are worse than others. Alot of the points I suffer from.. Putting her first , hiding my feelings and wants etc. But some of the other stuff like not liking myself, or having a crappy childhood, etc etc are way off. But its a book and not everyones situations are the same. But a few so far have been dead on. esp the guy who left his wife and she packed her bags and then came back.. Man Thats so tru on a few occasions where I have decided to grow some balls. And stick too it my girl has come back and even sometimes appologized. I cant wait to finish this book and re read it.. Any other good reads? My main problems still are not going out with the boys enough ( dependancy ) waiting to see what shes doing before making my own decisions, also taking care of her needs before mine even if it bothers me.. Those are my main probs which im working on... Also giving to get to an extent.. I also give just to give at times and expect nothing in return.. But like I said all in all the book is pretty much dead on in alot of aspects..
ConfusedInOC Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 I finally got the book " no more mr nice guy" im on page 100 of like 180 so far its been a good read. It describes alot of my habits.. Its not 100% on but its right on a good amount of stuff. I guess some people are worse than others. Alot of the points I suffer from.. Putting her first , hiding my feelings and wants etc. But some of the other stuff like not liking myself, or having a crappy childhood, etc etc are way off. But its a book and not everyones situations are the same. But a few so far have been dead on. esp the guy who left his wife and she packed her bags and then came back.. Man Thats so tru on a few occasions where I have decided to grow some balls. And stick too it my girl has come back and even sometimes appologized. I cant wait to finish this book and re read it.. Any other good reads? My main problems still are not going out with the boys enough ( dependancy ) waiting to see what shes doing before making my own decisions, also taking care of her needs before mine even if it bothers me.. Those are my main probs which im working on... Also giving to get to an extent.. I also give just to give at times and expect nothing in return.. But like I said all in all the book is pretty much dead on in alot of aspects.. Glad you are enjoying it. I also recommend: "How to Raise Your Self-Esteem" - Nathaniel Branden I'll let you know on the last book, when it gets here. Reading is only a small part of it. Understanding and implementing the changes are the biggest issues. You can read till the cows come home but if you aren't makes the changes a part of you then you will have learned nothing. I practice everything I have learned on a daily basis. It's a good test for me.
Author confused05 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 Your 100% right. And like you said a complete 180 is not what you want to do.. What the book is doing is just showing me the issue and how to counter / not repeat it. Im not gonna break this over night but if I save myself from 1 or 2 things here and there and then more and more i will progress. I always think now before I do / react ( CCSM ) And I have reacted much better , gotten better responses etc. Before I would say " im nice, and why are you doing this, and if she was mad try to save. " Now I find myself listening but not trying to save if stuff is bothering her in general ( not me just in general ) and also I dont keep comparing like i use to do saying im nice and why are you like this etc. Just these small things along with making my own plans etc and not always being available are making me feel better and as a freebie making "us" better. I have to conquer this nice guy thing day by day but the effects from even the little changes have and are proving themselves right already. I already feel a little better and have recieved more attn from her, more i love you's etc. This weekend was our official 1 year anniversary. She suprised me at work with a stuffed up animal of 2 monkeys hugging lol ( corny i know ) and a mushy card and I never get mushy cards she hates them. And in the card it had all the prewritten musshy stuff and she wrote " I know I dont express myself very well but this card says it all and I mean it all! " And I got her a not so mushy card. Didnt get her flowers dinner big night on the town etc like I would usually do. And what do you know it made things better! Now I just have to try to get more respect out of her she has a smart mouth at times. Shell say stuff if shes mad like " your such a f*&%KING P*SSY " or stuff along those lines if I dont want to bother somebody about something etc.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Your 100% right. And like you said a complete 180 is not what you want to do.. What the book is doing is just showing me the issue and how to counter / not repeat it. Im not gonna break this over night but if I save myself from 1 or 2 things here and there and then more and more i will progress. I always think now before I do / react ( CCSM ) And I have reacted much better , gotten better responses etc. Before I would say " im nice, and why are you doing this, and if she was mad try to save. " Now I find myself listening but not trying to save if stuff is bothering her in general ( not me just in general ) and also I dont keep comparing like i use to do saying im nice and why are you like this etc. Just these small things along with making my own plans etc and not always being available are making me feel better and as a freebie making "us" better. I have to conquer this nice guy thing day by day but the effects from even the little changes have and are proving themselves right already. I already feel a little better and have recieved more attn from her, more i love you's etc. This weekend was our official 1 year anniversary. She suprised me at work with a stuffed up animal of 2 monkeys hugging lol ( corny i know ) and a mushy card and I never get mushy cards she hates them. And in the card it had all the prewritten musshy stuff and she wrote " I know I dont express myself very well but this card says it all and I mean it all! " And I got her a not so mushy card. Didnt get her flowers dinner big night on the town etc like I would usually do. And what do you know it made things better! Now I just have to try to get more respect out of her she has a smart mouth at times. Shell say stuff if shes mad like " your such a f*&%KING P*SSY " or stuff along those lines if I dont want to bother somebody about something etc. You're getting there. Remember one thing about women, bro. When women tell you their problems, they just want you to listen. That's it. They don't want you to make suggestions and they don't want you to solve all their problems. In other words, when she complains, don't whip out the Superman cape and act like you're going to solve all her problems. Just listen. If she asks you "what should I do?" or "what would you do" just give her some loving advice without chastising her, telling her she is wrong or otherwise ridiculing her." That's my "advice o' the day" for door mats across America.
Author confused05 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 HAHAH Your right though.. I use to always listen and try to figure out a way to fix it or help to get it fixed.. Now Ive been just listening and saying little basically just listening and acknowledging it and nothing more. It seems to work much better than tryin to be a "cure all" Like I said before and from reading the book Im not that bad off, just have to conquerr a few things and ill be set and on my way to being a MAN! Ill keep you posted should have the book finished this week. Its very interesting. I keep it at work and read it on lunch.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 HAHAH Your right though.. I use to always listen and try to figure out a way to fix it or help to get it fixed.. Now Ive been just listening and saying little basically just listening and acknowledging it and nothing more. It seems to work much better than tryin to be a "cure all" Like I said before and from reading the book Im not that bad off, just have to conquerr a few things and ill be set and on my way to being a MAN! Ill keep you posted should have the book finished this week. Its very interesting. I keep it at work and read it on lunch. Most men aren't that bad. They just need to better understand how to behave and they'll be fine. It took me losing someone I loved deeply to figure this out but at least going forward I will not repeat the same mistakes with the next one. Be very thankful you have a woman that can communicate with you and gave you the information to change your behavior in time to (hopefully) turn things around.
Author confused05 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 Yeah See im the one that likes to talk about stuff and she usually doesnt. But theres not alot that bothers her. IE: she wants me to do my thing more, she wants me to go out with the boys etc. So its not going to upset her ( so I think ) when she sees the change. And she is not misreable etc. One of our probs besides the neediness of me ( she use to say im stingy with her time ) Is that im a very affectionate person i like the reassurance, she kinda just goes with the flow and assumes you know it. At first I took this as her not caring but now that I have learned how she is as a person I dont take offense to it anymore and I know how she feels. Also another thing in the book that was good was saying how nice guys are usually liers, Thats so tru I would lie to myself or not tell full things in hopes to spare a prob. Where as her being a confident person would tell me what she was doing or how it is reguardless.. This goes back to when we first met I still talked to my ex and so did she only thing is I stopped and never mentioned it. I didnt feel the need since I stopped it ( in fear that this may be a turn off ) where as she told me straight up from day 1 I dated a guy for 3 years and we still talk a few times a month nothing more. I guess that goes with the whole confidence thing.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Yeah See im the one that likes to talk about stuff and she usually doesnt. But theres not alot that bothers her. IE: she wants me to do my thing more, she wants me to go out with the boys etc. So its not going to upset her ( so I think ) when she sees the change. And she is not misreable etc. One of our probs besides the neediness of me ( she use to say im stingy with her time ) Is that im a very affectionate person i like the reassurance, she kinda just goes with the flow and assumes you know it. At first I took this as her not caring but now that I have learned how she is as a person I dont take offense to it anymore and I know how she feels. Read Universe's most recent post. You need to fingure out how she wants to RECEIVE your love and you need to figure out how to receive her love. Once you do that you won't need anymore reassurance that she loves love. Also another thing in the book that was good was saying how nice guys are usually liers, Thats so tru I would lie to myself or not tell full things in hopes to spare a prob. It's called ACCEPTING REALITY and is one of they key factors in building self-esteem. Once you see things for what they are, not what you think they are, your judgement will be much better. You'll be able to set boundaries and have repercussions for crossing them. Your self-esteem and confidence will go up because you are not "fooling yourself" (apologies to Def Leppard) into a reality that doesn't exist. This is a BIG BIG step in having a healthy relationship. Where as her being a confident person would tell me what she was doing or how it is reguardless.. This goes back to when we first met I still talked to my ex and so did she only thing is I stopped and never mentioned it. I didnt feel the need since I stopped it ( in fear that this may be a turn off ) where as she told me straight up from day 1 I dated a guy for 3 years and we still talk a few times a month nothing more. I guess that goes with the whole confidence thing. Yep. She's confident in herself that she feels she can tell you that. You shouldn't be insecure about it at all. If you are CCSM you'll attract her to you automatically because she knows you are strong, secure and confident in yourself. And one more time as a reminder: Whatever you do - DO NOT WHINE, MOAN OR COMPLAIN. Women see that as a sign of a weak, spinless, girly-man. Whenever I catch myself whining I really let myself have it. Real men don't whine.
westernxer Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 You can be a nice guy... just don't be a pussy. In other words, don't bend over backward to bring them flowers or try to emphasize with them by exploring feelings (yours or theirs). Most important, don't be afraid to speak up. Pussies are afraid to speak up. Say "no" once in a while, and they'll respect you for it. It might even turn them on (hmmm... a challenge). I made this mistake when I was naive, but I've learned a helluva lot since then, and chicks dig that I'm my own person. I still treat them right, meaning I treat them the way I want to be treated in return. With sincerity. If they don't get the hint or cop an attitude, big f*ing deal. Other girls will pick up the slack, especially if you do it with a smile.
Author confused05 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer You can be a nice guy... just don't be a pussy. In other words, don't bend over backward to bring them flowers or try to emphasize with them by exploring feelings (yours or theirs). Most important, don't be afraid to speak up. Pussies are afraid to speak up. Say "no" once in a while, and they'll respect you for it. It might even turn them on (hmmm... a challenge). I made this mistake when I was naive, but I've learned a helluva lot since then, and chicks dig that I'm my own person. I still treat them right, meaning I treat them the way I want to be treated in return. With sincerity. If they don't get the hint or cop an attitude, big f*ing deal. Other girls will pick up the slack, especially if you do it with a smile. I hear ya 100% You can still be nice. ( kind ) No need to be a jerk off but be fair to yourself.
Author confused05 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Read Universe's most recent post. You need to fingure out how she wants to RECEIVE your love and you need to figure out how to receive her love. Once you do that you won't need anymore reassurance that she loves love. It's called ACCEPTING REALITY and is one of they key factors in building self-esteem. Once you see things for what they are, not what you think they are, your judgement will be much better. You'll be able to set boundaries and have repercussions for crossing them. Your self-esteem and confidence will go up because you are not "fooling yourself" (apologies to Def Leppard) into a reality that doesn't exist. This is a BIG BIG step in having a healthy relationship. Yep. She's confident in herself that she feels she can tell you that. You shouldn't be insecure about it at all. If you are CCSM you'll attract her to you automatically because she knows you are strong, secure and confident in yourself. And one more time as a reminder: Whatever you do - DO NOT WHINE, MOAN OR COMPLAIN. Women see that as a sign of a weak, spinless, girly-man. Whenever I catch myself whining I really let myself have it. Real men don't whine. I have already stopped the whole whining thing.. I use to be very insecure about her being friends with her ex it would drive me nuts. Then I met him and he was ugly etc and she was like see? You shouldnt be mad you look better and your with me. Your not a secret to him. Now I dont complain when he calls or crack jokes etc ( sign of insecurity im assuming ) Im starting to see that she is fine with me and starting to feel more secure .. The whole CCSM way of thinking makes a big dif, Cause i echo that in my head before i speak. At my worst i would go through her phone etc to try to make something there that wasnt.. U know what? I never found anything. I was just setting myself up for nothing. This was at a time when I had no clue and thought the prob was 100% her . Things have def improved in the last 2 months with understanding everything.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 I have already stopped the whole whining thing.. I use to be very insecure about her being friends with her ex it would drive me nuts. Then I met him and he was ugly etc and she was like see? You shouldnt be mad you look better and your with me. Your not a secret to him. Now I dont complain when he calls or crack jokes etc ( sign of insecurity im assuming ) Im starting to see that she is fine with me and starting to feel more secure .. The whole CCSM way of thinking makes a big dif, Cause i echo that in my head before i speak. At my worst i would go through her phone etc to try to make something there that wasnt.. U know what? I never found anything. I was just setting myself up for nothing. This was at a time when I had no clue and thought the prob was 100% her . Things have def improved in the last 2 months with understanding everything. Good for you, man. I am constantly repeating CCSM to myself. It's written on the top of my monitor and I see it several times a day. When I walk outside, I say it to myself. When I meet someone, I say it myself again. Before I speak anymore, I am thinking it and making sure that I run whatever I want to say through that filter. It's amazing how much crap that USED to come out of my mouth when speaking to someone has been filtered out now....
ConfusedInOC Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 We need to go to the offical name for "Nice Guys" in reference to this sort of behavior: DOOR MATS Nice guys are nice people, but not necessarily door mats. When you refer to a door mat, there is no question what you mean.
Author confused05 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Good for you, man. I am constantly repeating CCSM to myself. It's written on the top of my monitor and I see it several times a day. When I walk outside, I say it to myself. When I meet someone, I say it myself again. Before I speak anymore, I am thinking it and making sure that I run whatever I want to say through that filter. It's amazing how much crap that USED to come out of my mouth when speaking to someone has been filtered out now.... Dude that acranym or whatever its called is great. More so than even the damn book. It in itself makes the biggest diff. And saves yourself from looking like a wimp and makes you feel better. I honestly cant believe my diff in attitude from just understanding this crap. Of course you wont cure it in day or overnight but just realizing and changing little things makes the hugest diff in itself. It even helps the insecurities cause now im looking at things that would make me feel unloved or insecure or not getting what I give and just being normal and my old ways were more of the prob. This makes me feel like theres less of a prob. Thinking in general usually made things bigger than what they were. Esp when there was nothing there to begin with. In the past I would get so insecure and feeling that she didnt want to be with me if she wanted to go out with her friends.. Now i look at it as normal and its what i should be doing. And that I had a dependancy and neediness prob and it was pushing her away. My problem made my problem. She was just being normal.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Dude that acranym or whatever its called is great. More so than even the damn book. It in itself makes the biggest diff. And saves yourself from looking like a wimp and makes you feel better. I honestly cant believe my diff in attitude from just understanding this crap. Of course you wont cure it in day or overnight but just realizing and changing little things makes the hugest diff in itself. It even helps the insecurities cause now im looking at things that would make me feel unloved or insecure or not getting what I give and just being normal and my old ways were more of the prob. This makes me feel like theres less of a prob. Thinking in general usually made things bigger than what they were. Esp when there was nothing there to begin with. Thanks. I thought of it a few weeks ago when I was trying to figure out what I was lacking as a man and how most "strong men" would handle a situation. You ever think of John Wayne? Wasn't he STRONG, CONFIDENT, SELF-ASSURED and MASCULINE? Aren't most men that we look up to that very same way? Then why shouldn't *I* be that way as well? I SHOULD be that way and every day I make steps in the right direction. Print out the acronym and place it where you spend most of your day. It will serve as a constant reminder to you, ingrained in your subconscious, so that soon enough it will just become a part of who you are and no longer just something you are striving for. Good luck. I am glad to know some of the advice I have been giving has been making a positive impact for someone reading these forums.
Author confused05 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 Hell yeah its making a positive impact on me.. Big time. Even at a slow normal rate When you understand something its easier to deal with esp when you see what the real "root" issue is.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Hell yeah its making a positive impact on me.. Big time. Even at a slow normal rate When you understand something its easier to deal with esp when you see what the real "root" issue is. Do men a favor, please. Every once in a while, check in with us and let us know how CCSM is working for you as well as the No More Mr. Nice Guy principals. Since you're in the drivers seat as far as your relationship goes. I am from the outside looking in at my Ex (she's with another man (or two)). But you, you have the advantage of a woman willing to work with you. I am very intrigued to know how your change in attitude and self-confidence builds, what the effect on your relationship is. I am sure it will be fruitful but for the "Door Mats" of the world who are reading this thread, we would love to live through your eyes for a while to see how well it works and where the issues are, if any, during the transformation. Cheers, mate.
Author confused05 Posted June 15, 2005 Author Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Do men a favor, please. Every once in a while, check in with us and let us know how CCSM is working for you as well as the No More Mr. Nice Guy principals. Since you're in the drivers seat as far as your relationship goes. I am from the outside looking in at my Ex (she's with another man (or two)). But you, you have the advantage of a woman willing to work with you. I am very intrigued to know how your change in attitude and self-confidence builds, what the effect on your relationship is. I am sure it will be fruitful but for the "Door Mats" of the world who are reading this thread, we would love to live through your eyes for a while to see how well it works and where the issues are, if any, during the transformation. Cheers, mate. Only 20 more pages to go.. This book is def worth the read.. Cant say I share the bad sex life though besides I use to nag to get it after a while then I stopped on my own and now its great again.. I learned that on my own. But I dont have any of those deep down sexual problems like some in the book ( thank god ) This stuff works I recomend this book to anyone.. Perfect example. I use to call my girl all the time when I had time at work to say hello or whatever. For the last couple days I havent been as much just doing work and not thinking about it. Today she calls me " you dont love me anymore i miss your calls etc. " Before they were annoying but now that its died down there gods gift to the world. Another prime example.. Ive been going out on my own more. Last night she had plans with her girls and me with my guys.. The fellows mostly canceled she was like you can come with us if you like before she would never invite me she would say " were always together etc " Amazing how just a few minor changes can make such an impact!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Only 20 more pages to go.. This book is def worth the read.. Cant say I share the bad sex life though besides I use to nag to get it after a while then I stopped on my own and now its great again.. I learned that on my own. But I dont have any of those deep down sexual problems like some in the book ( thank god ) This stuff works I recomend this book to anyone.. Perfect example. I use to call my girl all the time when I had time at work to say hello or whatever. For the last couple days I havent been as much just doing work and not thinking about it. Today she calls me " you dont love me anymore i miss your calls etc. " Before they were annoying but now that its died down there gods gift to the world. Another prime example.. Ive been going out on my own more. Last night she had plans with her girls and me with my guys.. The fellows mostly canceled she was like you can come with us if you like before she would never invite me she would say " were always together etc " Amazing how just a few minor changes can make such an impact! The natural tendency of someone who's S/O is pulling away from them is to chase them. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you pursue! That's the WORST thing you can do. When they pull away, YOU pull away too. That's the ONLY way to get them comfortable with you is to show them you are calm, confident, self-assured and masculine. When you do that they'll be naturally attracted to you. My ex said it best: Confidence is sexy. Clinging and pursuing them is NOT sexy. It's the antithesis of sexy. Glad to hear things are going well and you seem to be doing things right. I skipped the chapters on sex because I didn't have a problem their either. My problem was a severe lack of self-confidence and masculinity and every day I get stronger and stronger. Keep us updated!
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