Author confused05 Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Other than that, my main advice is to listen to OC on this one. He's already said pretty much everything I would have. OC has helped big time.. And yes insecurity is probaly part of the problem. Shes very confident she will come home from a long day and say im going out with so and so tonight before she even talks to me where if someone invites me out i may ask her first. I am in no way going to turn into a jerk. But what I will try try to do now is make plans with friends more, dont give her a hard time or make her feel bad about being out without me and have more confidence in us.. Insecurity has alot to do with it. I should be thinking go out have a great time. Not make her feel bad and think the whole time shes moving away from me she doesnt like me anymore etc etc cause I know thats not it.. Also I have to learn not to depend on her as much. This book and you guys will and have already helped alot and Im very greatfull that im finding all this out way before its too late. It bothers her already but were still stable and fixable. And Im going to try my hardest to fix this ( me ) shes confident and a strong person in that persepct. She has all the confidence in the world in us and has no worries with me going out where as I use to see that as her not caring but now I see it just cause shes confident and trusts me. Am I on the right track with this? I know I have to do this for me not her but with me in better spririts and confidence its going to make us her and esp ME feel better about myself.
chronic Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 Take boxing.....After you get knocked around a few times you'll learn how to stand up for yourself..in the ring and in life. Just don't use it on your girl.
Author confused05 Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 This has helped alot and its only been a few days but im starting to do things a little diffrently and seeing results.. For instance in the past if i was upset or whatever with her i would harp on it and now ive been just letting it be and then it goes back to normal on its own. Also I made some plans on my own and she went out and I had no probs telling her have a great time.. I hope to continue this and hopefully see an improvement in my confidence and attitude.. On a side note no bookstores around here ( barnes and noble / borders ) seem to have the No More MR Nice Guy book Im debating ordering it I really want to read it to further help myself.. Thanks Guys PS.. Any more info or tips would be greatly apreciated I love hearing what people have done or different points of views to make yourself feel better and more secure.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 On a side note no bookstores around here ( barnes and noble / borders ) seem to have the No More MR Nice Guy book Im debating ordering it I really want to read it to further help myself.. Trust me, you would greatly benefit from the book. Amazon has it.
Author confused05 Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 Just Ordered the book from amazon.. Im startin to feel desperate lol j/k Im just trying to better MYSELF & My current Situation. Its working already. I just try to think to myself Im a big part of her life but she still has her life. And it makes me feel better about myself, Less worrying and more confidence is def starting to take its toll. Its so funny I have a friend in the same situation with his girlfriend and when I explained this kinda stuff to him ( which of course he had no clue of ) Hes like "this makes total sense" I cant wait till a month or two down the road. To see if I really made a change in myself for good. I have faith! This has nothing but positive outcomes.. More Confidence ( less worrying ) Feeling better about myself and last but not least ill have a better relationship & personality!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 You should remember to be: Calm Confident Self-Assured Masculine Think about a male role model you looked up to and the behavior they exhibited. They never gushed over their SO because they were confident in themselves. Women like to chase something they feel is worth catching and once they get them, like to be with a confident, self-assured man who isn't whiney, clingy or soft. You need to start hanging out with some male friends. Play BB, go fishing, play Golf or poker. BOND! She'll start finding you more attractive when you start having a life that doesn't revolve around her. That doesn't mean you should ignore her. It just means you need to have balance in your life. Think of it like a teeter-totter. You're standing in the middle trying to keep both sides balanced and if you don't, it will come crashing down on one side or the other. Maintaining that balance is difficult but to have a healthy relationship that is what you have to do.
Author confused05 Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 OC i understand you 100% and in the past i have been whiney and revolved around her.. For now on im trying like you said to be there for her but not try to rescue her unless she needs/wants it. Also I have made plans with more friends so she doesnt think my life revolves around her ( dependant ). Im trying to cover all grounds the best I can its basic simple stuff that will make a big change. Changes so far : She wants to go out : Sure no prob be happy not whiney and sad. This shows my confidence ( which im acquiring shouldnt of had none to begin with ) I know shes not going anywheres theres no reason for me to complain. we need our freedom still. Make plans to go out : ( makes me feel better ) out with the boys I use to do this and still should. Gives us time apart, and shows that I still have my life which ive been cheating myself. This all seems so doable for my own well being. And as a freebie will breathe a second wind into my relationship. I keep bringing my girlfriend into the picture just because thats what showed/put me in this situation.. Im doing everyhing for me! But it will fix where im at with her and within myself. I dont want it to sound like im doing this for her its for ME but once I start to fix myself we will start enjoying stuff more cause I wont be insecure and non confident
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 OC i understand you 100% and in the past i have been whiney and revolved around her.. For now on im trying like you said to be there for her but not try to rescue her unless she needs/wants it. Also I have made plans with more friends so she doesnt think my life revolves around her ( dependant ). Im trying to cover all grounds the best I can its basic simple stuff that will make a big change. Changes so far : She wants to go out : Sure no prob be happy not whiney and sad. This shows my confidence ( which im acquiring shouldnt of had none to begin with ) I know shes not going anywheres theres no reason for me to complain. we need our freedom still. Make plans to go out : ( makes me feel better ) out with the boys I use to do this and still should. Gives us time apart, and shows that I still have my life which ive been cheating myself. This all seems so doable for my own well being. And as a freebie will breathe a second wind into my relationship. I keep bringing my girlfriend into the picture just because thats what showed/put me in this situation.. Im doing everyhing for me! But it will fix where im at with her and within myself. I dont want it to sound like im doing this for her its for ME but once I start to fix myself we will start enjoying stuff more cause I wont be insecure and non confident To train your focus, whenever she tells you something that might get a "reaction" from you, think the following 4 words in your head: Calm Confident Self-Assured Masculine As long as you engrain those four important characteristics into your head, you will not be whiney, soft, clingy or otherwise "girly" to your g/f. She wants to be with a strong, confident, self-assured, masculine guy with a life of his own. It won't be easy and buying the book will definitely help. This was all I needed to do to keep my ex, I am sure of that, and now that I have made my changes permanent, I can only wait and see where the chips may fall. Good luck. PM me if you have any questions. I am interested in hearing how your story pans out.
Author confused05 Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC To train your focus, whenever she tells you something that might get a "reaction" from you, think the following 4 words in your head: Calm Confident Self-Assured Masculine As long as you engrain those four important characteristics into your head, you will not be whiney, soft, clingy or otherwise "girly" to your g/f. She wants to be with a strong, confident, self-assured, masculine guy with a life of his own. This is gonna stick in my head! Originally posted by ConfusedInOC It won't be easy and buying the book will definitely help. This was all I needed to do to keep my ex, I am sure of that, and now that I have made my changes permanent, I can only wait and see where the chips may fall. Good luck. PM me if you have any questions. I am interested in hearing how your story pans out. Alot of people have helped in this thread but you the most.. You seem to understand my situation the most. Its probaly not as bad as I make it seem. Relationship wise. I dont get crap if i want to go out with the boys so since im comfortable with that she wont fight me on it. Thats one easy fix and also not being whiney / clingy when she wants to do her thing will help. Im going to start hangin with my car friends since I use to race cars, and play some more sports like I use too.. More than half of my nice guy syndrome was ( depending / revolving ) and that came from not having confidence. Now that i will be fixing that I forsee a big change in me and everything If you lived near NJ id Owe you a beer or 2 Thanks! Ill keep you posted. The book should get here by friday how big is it?
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 This is gonna stick in my head! I am glad! Whenever you are talking to her, repeat those four characteristics so that it helps determine how you react. How you react to ANYTHING with a woman is almost as important as what you are saying! They see your physical reaction as a direct line of communication to your brain. So being a whiney, crying, slobbering man = wimp to a woman and they DO NOT WANT A WIMPY, GIRLIE MAN! Trust me on this. All women, by nature, want to be with a calm, confident, self-assured and masculine man. Not a JERK and not a "nice guy." There is a balance in there. Your task is to find it. Alot of people have helped in this thread but you the most.. You seem to understand my situation the most. Thanks but the reason I can relate the most is I have just gone through this and the pain is still fresh in my mind. You still have a chance to salvage your relationship. Don't delay making the changes. But make sure you make them for YOU, not for her. Its probaly not as bad as I make it seem. Relationship wise. I dont get crap if i want to go out with the boys so since im comfortable with that she wont fight me on it. Thats one easy fix and also not being whiney / clingy when she wants to do her thing will help. Im going to start hangin with my car friends since I use to race cars, and play some more sports like I use too.. You need to reconnect with men. It's NATURAL. It's what keeps us masculine. I stopped hanging with my friends and in the process, lost touch with being a man. It's easy to do when you're not around other men, believe me. More than half of my nice guy syndrome was ( depending / revolving ) and that came from not having confidence. Well, self-confidence is gained from having specific goals in your life and following each step to reach those goals. That's part of it. The other half of that is really making yourself happy, realizing you have needs and not tying your happiness to someone else's approval. Once you learn to look within for approval, you will have conquered your self-confidence problem. Now that i will be fixing that I forsee a big change in me and everything You won't notice it right away and if you do it right, you shouldn't. The change should come gradually. Otherwise your risk going too far the other way and causing the same reaction she is having now. REMEMBER: BALANCE! Find the balance between making yourself happy and making your SO feel significant and happy. If you lived near NJ id Owe you a beer or 2 Thanks! Ill keep you posted. The book should get here by friday how big is it? Heh, thanks, I appreciate that but I don't drink anymore and I live in Southern California. The book is only about 200 pages. It's not that long. There are a lot of exercises in the book and you need to have a "safe" friend who knows you that you can go to for feedback on the changes. Also, DO NOT let her know you're reading the book. Hide it from her. I suggest reading it 4-5 times over so you really digest the information. Once you understand completely the root of your problem, it's much much easier to fix it and have a healthy relationship.
Author confused05 Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 Def if she was to find it .. It would ruin the fixing myself heheeh cause then she would see through everything.. Im gonna shoot for the balance! Not the 180 Change.. Simply reacting better to her doing her thing, and doing my thing more and being my own person is going to change me and her in itself.. And also not being whiney and dependant.. Those 4 things are going to make a huge change cause I can already see what they do when I did them. Im going to try to be polite, calm and still "kind" Not NICE lol And be fair to myself. I am so glad i have half done by figuring out the issue within , now i just have to do it.. The reaction thing you speak is 100% right..
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Def if she was to find it .. It would ruin the fixing myself heheeh cause then she would see through everything.. Im gonna shoot for the balance! Not the 180 Change.. Simply reacting better to her doing her thing, and doing my thing more and being my own person is going to change me and her in itself.. And also not being whiney and dependant.. Those 4 things are going to make a huge change cause I can already see what they do when I did them. Im going to try to be polite, calm and still "kind" Not NICE lol And be fair to myself. I am so glad i have half done by figuring out the issue within , now i just have to do it.. The reaction thing you speak is 100% right.. Great. Just use the acronym CCSM and keep it in your head at all times when interacting with her. Pretty soon it will become second nature for you to be "calm, confident, self-assured and masculine" with her and the change will be permanent. And you'll never look better to her when she sees you are all those things! Good luck.
scarlyjones Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Get out there and get noticed. Sometimes the KEY to a guys self confidence is being "in-demand". You can window shop,.....but dont buy. Just knowing you can afford something, most times is all you need. Trust me......and when SHE sees that you're IN DEMAND,.....she'll treat you like your her Testosterone King.
scarlyjones Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 You need to show her that you dont NEED her,......but you do WANT her. big difference
Author confused05 Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 You are right.. I do WANT her but I can REPLACE her ( im not an ugly guy or out of shape ) As of now thats how she presesents herself to me that she doesnt need me but wants me. Now its my turn.. My girlfriend is very confident where as im not shy but not as confident.. If were out at say a bar Shell dance and people will just gawk at the way she dances and i dont dance so thats where 1/2 her confidence probaly comes from. Also shes more outgoing then man and can talk to anyone ( confident ) I cant wait till it starts balancing out its going to be so much better! Hey its summertime .. Time to enjoy life, feel good, and have fun. You guys & girls are the best!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 You are right.. I do WANT her but I can REPLACE her ( im not an ugly guy or out of shape ) As of now thats what shes trying to show me that she doesnt need me but wants me. Now its my turn.. My girlfriend is very confident where as im not shy but not as confident.. Shell dance in a bar when we are out and people will just gawk at the way she dances and i dont dance so thats where 1/2 her confidence probaly comes from. You guys & girls are the best! Confused, she wants to be with a man that is like her in that regard. You're going to have to learn to be confident and lose the shyness. Don't just JUMP. Work it in one day at a time but you DO need to work it in. Extroverted women want to be with extroverted men. For them, it's a challenge. My ex was introverted and when she first met me I was VERY outgoing and extroverted. But instead of keeping who I was, I turned into something like she was and it made me unattractive to her. She's giving you a warning. Shape up, get rid of your insecurities and shyness and MAKE me want you. Good luck
Author confused05 Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 she knows were diff people. Im not that shy just not as outgoing as her, thats not the prob.. The prob is my insecurities, confidence, neediness, whining, and dependant. Thats where the probs lie. Shes still into us calls just to say hi etc but my confidence and change will improve me and me improving will improve us. My reaction to her going out, and making plans on my own in itself is going to make a huge diffrence ( once i build up my confidence this will be cake ) ( its been building a little at a time within the week just understanding whats going on )
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 she knows were diff people. Im not that shy just not as outgoing as her, thats not the prob.. The prob is my insecurities, confidence, neediness, whining, and dependant. Thats where the probs lie. Ah man. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is going to fix you up and GOOD! That's exactly what that book addresess. It also helps with "getting in touch with your masculine side..." Shes still into us calls just to say hi etc but my confidence and change will improve me and me improving will improve us. Ah, here's some good advice. Don't always be available for her. Don't always answer her emails. Don't always rush to her aid. (If it's not important. If she's injured, GO NOW!!!) Learn to listen when she vents without offering to help solve her problems. These are all a roundabout way of saying "HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR S/O!" Cheers.
Author confused05 Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Ah man. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is going to fix you up and GOOD! That's exactly what that book addresess. It also helps with "getting in touch with your masculine side..." Ah, here's some good advice. Don't always be available for her. Don't always answer her emails. Don't always rush to her aid. (If it's not important. If she's injured, GO NOW!!!) Learn to listen when she vents without offering to help solve her problems. These are all a roundabout way of saying "HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR S/O!" Cheers. DUDE WHY ARE YOU SO RIGHT! your so right.. Like if shes texts me i would reply that second.. but if I would text her I may get one an hour later or 2 and then i ( in the past ) would whine about it.. This is great I cant wait for this book!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 DUDE WHY ARE YOU SO RIGHT! your so right.. Like if shes texts me i would reply that second.. but if I would text her I may get one an hour later or 2 and then i ( in the past ) would whine about it.. This is great I cant wait for this book! That's not in the book. That's all about making yourself happy first. If you're always easily accessible to her then you are at her mercy. She wants a challenge and always being responsive is NOT being a challenge. When she doesn't respond to you right away, she's saying "I'm #1, I'll get to you when I have a chance..." Do the same.
Author confused05 Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 I agree with you 100% Ive done that here or there and have seen the change in response. If I dont send her a txt when shes working or whatever.. The role changes maybe only for a few minutes but its like im the boss and she is all " no time today to even say hi " I love it.. I cant wait to just read the book and start doing for me and seeing a change, Its like lifting weights when you start to see a change it gets interesting !
alphamale Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Don't always be available for her. Don't always answer her emails. Don't always rush to her aid. (If it's not important. If she's injured, GO NOW!!!) Learn to listen when she vents without offering to help solve her problems. The above is all common knowledge folks, or at least it should be!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 I agree with you 100% Ive done that here or there and have seen the change in response. If I dont send her a txt when shes working or whatever.. The role changes maybe only for a few minutes but its like im the boss and she is all " no time today to even say hi " I love it.. I cant wait to just read the book and start doing for me and seeing a change, Its like lifting weights when you start to see a change it gets interesting ! Remember: Change takes time. Rome wasn't built in a day and so it is with the characteristics that make you who you are will not change overnight. And if you force them to happen quickly, they will not take. You must remind yourself daily (CCSM) and then again when you interact with her, when you receive an email or text message or any other time. You must start getting out and hanging with the fellas. Play sports, go Golfing -- do "manly" things. Changes you implement gradually, over time will be more likely to stick. And it will not shock her. She'll see the gradual change in you and be more comfortable and attracted to you. Just don't expect it overnight. And again, be sure whatever changes you are trying to implement come from the heart for YOUR benefit, not hers.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Copyrighted material removed by moderators. Please read the site guidelines before posting.
scarlyjones Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 You're giving away all your secrets ........ How do you know Im not a spy gathering INTEL. and then go to my superiors back at Headquarters located in Victoria Secret..... Agent Double-D-7,......out !!!
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