confused05 Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 OK Ive been dating my girl for a year. I have realized I have nice guy syndrome and its starting to aggrevate her. I take offense to things she does too easily think she doesnt love me ( but she does ) I feel we have an unbalanced relationship when really its just we show it diffrently. She feels like shes dating a girl sometimes she says etc etc.. Now can I over come this? We are together and it hasnt gotten to the point where shes going to dump me. We live together and plan to get married. She doesnt like it also that if she wants to go out she makes plans and does it and feels that I only go out if shes going out if not i just hang with her, that tends to bother her, thinking i depend on her. Now is half the prob realizing this? and if so can you change yourself? I am going to buy this book today and read it I hear it helps big time! No More Mr. Nice Guy - Dr. Robert A. Glover All this time I would think i do everything for her yada yada yada but ive come to realize that she wants a man not a woman. My questions really are can I change? is it possable I do realize its me not her, and I dont want to loose her. I feel If I fix this it will help big time. Is it a big plus that I realized this before its too late? Thanks so much.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Are you scared of disagreeing with her or getting angry, showing the REAL you to her? Meaning maybe grumpy in the morning...Not so nice when you've had a long day at work...Stuff like that. Also, you are a nice guy, you probably put her first alot of the time, very giving and unselfish. The key is balance. It's okay to take once in a while. Ask her to do things for you as well - Not always intiate first. (I'm not sure if this kinda stuff is what else you're referring to) Be your own person, be confident and KNOW that she loves you - Even if she's ticked off at you - That is OK, she still loves ya, she may just not like you much at that particular moment. All of that is completely normal. There are times I can't stand my husband and he's so annoying - It passes and it's not a big deal. Be honest with her but don't always give in. You have alot of say on how things go - Don't let another person, let alone her, push you into anything you don't believe in or want to do. It's okay to say NO once in a while. Each of you still have to have life without eachother. It's okay for a boys night or girls night out - Going out without eachother is healthy...A balanced relationship is the best. Shouldnt' have to always depend on the other person to entertain you or make you feel good. There are nights when I crash out, watch TV at night and my hubby disappears all night into the basement...Does he puttering, playing on the computer...To live together yet still be on your own...That is what living together is all about too. If she wants to go out and you don't, let her go! Say have a good time, be happy for her. Shouldn't be a problem and she shouldn't have to feel guilty or bad by wanting to do this on occasion. Hope this helps, if you want more input, I'll put more down!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 No More Mr. Nice Guy - Dr. Robert A. Glover Read my review in COPING of that book. It will help you immensely.
alphamale Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS) can be cured by making the following potion: 1.0 cup confidence 0.5 cup swagger (bravado may be substituted) 0.3 cup testosterone 2.0 cups masculinity 1.0 cup sexuality 1.0 cup absolut vodka Blend in blender on "crush" for about 30 seconds with ice. Pour into martini glass. Keep in fridge and drink 2 martinis per day for six days consecutively. NGS should disappear on day seven.
Author confused05 Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 This is exaclty what im looking for. When she wants to go out with her girls i give her a guilt trip or feel I am. And Im sure she sees that. That I know I have to change and will. Also I usually deny going out with the boys to stay with her and she wants me to go out with them from time to time and make my own decisons. I know only I can change this and its me not her. Im going to try my hardest i know she loves me. Im going to grab that book today and see what happens anything else or any other info you have id be glad to hear. This helps alot!!!!!!!!!!! I know she sees me upset for no reason or for her wanting to go out and that has to stop
alphamale Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by BrotherAaron BROTHER ALPHA's secret recipe revealed! the most impt ingredient is the vodka
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 This is exaclty what im looking for. When she wants to go out with her girls i give her a guilt trip or feel I am. And Im sure she sees that. That I know I have to change and will. Also I usually deny going out with the boys to stay with her and she wants me to go out with them from time to time and make my own decisons. I know only I can change this and its me not her. Im going to try my hardest i know she loves me. Im going to grab that book today and see what happens anything else or any other info you have id be glad to hear. This helps alot!!!!!!!!!!! I know she sees me upset for no reason or for her wanting to go out and that has to stop Read the book! Just "acting" this way isn't enough. You need to identify the root cause of the problem and make adjustments accordingly. Alpha's advice is good but it will never sink in or be useful if you do not know what is causing you to act this way and what adjustments to make in order to correct the behavior. Most confident men KNOW why they are confident. You can not just "act" confident and truly BE confident. It comes from a deeply rooted feeling that will be easy to tell is faked if you're acting. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" will help you identify why you are acting the way you do, give you exercises to address the problem and help you "cure" yourself from the inside in. Alpha's pointers are what happens AFTER you fix the inside.....
Author confused05 Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Im pretty sure I know what causes it. Feeling insecure since Ive been burned in the past. Thats what i think it is. I need to know shes here for good and loves me. Once Im passed that and confident in her ( which i should be ) I think ill be set. Again, Is half the prob realizing this? Is it a big plus that I realized this before its too late? Usually hypothetically speaking is this behaviour changeable? I dont want to be a dick just want to be happy with us. IM sure once im confident I wont have these issues.
BrotherAaron Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 I need to know shes here for good and loves me. Actually, confused05, it's more important to realize that it doesn't matter if she's there for good or not because you know that, either way, you'll still have yourself. Once Im passed that and confident in her ( which i should be ) I think ill be set. Try, instead, to be confident in yourself. You've gotta be able to live without her in order to be happy with her.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Is half the prob realizing this? That's 75% of the battle, yes. Is it a big plus that I realized this before its too late? Yes, very much so. Usually hypothetically speaking is this behaviour changeable? I dont want to be a dick just want to be happy with us. Yes, and as I stated before, it must come from the inside. You don't have to be mean to be masculine or self-assured. You have to LIKE YOURSELF and know that it's ok to have needs and to not be perfect. Nobody is perfect. Your g/f will love you a lot more if you're just self confident, don't try and rescue her all the time (women just want to vent and have someone listen to them, when they want to be rescued, they will ASK for it). You need to not worry about pleasing her all the time and make sure YOUR needs are met. Once your needs are met, you're happy with who you are, you'll regain your self confidence and you won't be worried about pleasing her to make yourself happy. You'll realize she can be mad at you and still love you. She will be attracted to your self confidence. You need to hang out with men more. Embrace your masculinity. If she says you act like a chick, that is a BIG warning sign. Start working out and build some muscles. That helps. But mostly you need to find a male role model. Someone that you think is a strong, confident male and start figuring out how he ticks. You need to emulate his behavior. As long as he's not a d*ck. IM sure once im confident I wont have these issues. Once you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" you will see how to correct your behavior and become more self-confident and masculine. Fix the root cause, don't try and just cover it up.
Author confused05 Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 Well yeah i mean be confident in me that im good enough and shes not going to leave. More or less dont give in if you dont feel its right just to give in. Take a stand in what you believe ( be you ) And basically grow balls and be yourself. Thats what I have to accomplish. Not worry just know what you bring to the table and know that she sees that and stop trying to get reassured. Im hoping this book will show me what my prob is ( even though i kinda know ) and help me turn around. Once I make a change I know things will be alot better. I just dont want her to see this change that im being an a**h***. Im not going to try to be one in anyway. Im just not going to sell my self short as much.
noname Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Im pretty sure I know what causes it. Feeling insecure since Ive been burned in the past. Thats what i think it is. I need to know shes here for good and loves me. Once Im passed that and confident in her ( which i should be ) I think ill be set. Again, Is half the prob realizing this? Is it a big plus that I realized this before its too late? Usually hypothetically speaking is this behaviour changeable? I dont want to be a dick just want to be happy with us. IM sure once im confident I wont have these issues. yeah, half the problem is realizing it. but i wouldn't call you a woman. i don't even think it has to do with lack of confidence or insecurity. you probably just care too much for how you think she feels and not enough for yourself. i am talking about the self sacrificing to be with her and worrying that she will be upset. you want to be her everything and you overcompensate by doing everything to please her. i may be off the mark here but everyonce in a while i find myself doing this. i am confident, secure, and all that stuff but when you find a woman you really care about, the nurturing part of being a man comes out. sometimes i have to step back and say, damn i sure am doing a hell of a lot for this woman. and most of it when she doesn't ask. it gets easier to realize at times when she accidentally displays behavior that seems like she doesn't appreciate it. start focusing on yourself a little, what makes you happy. make plans. when she asks you what you want to do for the night, have something planned already. take the drivers seat in the relationship for a while and see if her attitude changes towards you. just do you for a while and see if it helps. you have a lot more power than you may think. just start displaying it a little...
alphamale Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by BrotherAaron Try, instead, to be confident in yourself. You've gotta be able to live without her in order to be happy with her. bingo! BROTHER AARON.... your woman must know that you'll be happy without her and just a bit more happy with her a woman should add incremental happiness to a man!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by BrotherAaron Actually, confused05, it's more important to realize that it doesn't matter if she's there for good or not because you know that, either way, you'll still have yourself. Very true. Try, instead, to be confident in yourself. You've gotta be able to live without her in order to be happy with her. Right. He has to be self-confident to know that he is comfortable with himself. That he doesn't need to seek her approval for anything. All that does it cause her to be turned OFF. Once he is comfortable in his own skin he will stop seeking her approval (by giving gifts, butt kissing, being a doormat) and therefore naturally attract her. Even my ex said it: Confidence is sexy.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 Well yeah i mean be confident in me that im good enough and shes not going to leave. More or less dont give in if you dont feel its right just to give in. Take a stand in what you believe ( be you ) And basically grow balls and be yourself. Thats what I have to accomplish. Not worry just know what you bring to the table and know that she sees that and stop trying to get reassured. Im hoping this book will show me what my prob is ( even though i kinda know ) and help me turn around. Once I make a change I know things will be alot better. I just dont want her to see this change that im being an a**h***. Im not going to try to be one in anyway. Im just not going to sell my self short as much. Men who are a-holes are usually single and attract women with very little self confidence and as such, the relationship is doomed for failure. In your case, you won't be an a-hole if you are already a kind person. All learning to be happy with who you are does is exude confidence. Women are attracted to strong, confident men. Nice guys are the antithesis of this.
Author confused05 Posted June 3, 2005 Author Posted June 3, 2005 So basically confidence / nice guy ( balanced ) is the best combo.. I have the Niceness, I realize my problem with the confidence and will begin working on it. Once I have this fixed and balanced Im hoping i will see a nice change in things. I think its def fixable and i do realize its me not her. And I also know that shes not leaving me ( so i have no reason not to be confident ) If i keep up this behaviour though she will. I see that its weak and will push her away.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Feeling insecure since Ive been burned in the past. Thats what i think it is. I need to know shes here for good and loves me. Once Im passed that and confident in her ( which i should be ) I think ill be set. What you describe, confused, I've been guilty of myself in the past. I'm a classic "nice guy" who got badly burned. Changing your ways isn't easy, but it can be done. I speak from the perspective not of somebody who's successfully transformed, but of somebody who's working on it. Doing what you're doing won't get you the security you need. If anything, it'll drive her away or just make her feel MORE like she's "just dating a girl" (a castrating remark if there ever was one, but that should have set off a HUGE alarm bell -- it means she has little respect for you). And then, lo and behold, she cheats on you and/or dumps you. Sounds like she thinks you have no life aside from her. And it sounds like she's right. You have to change that immediately. You have friends, right? Start making plans with them WITHOUT her. Join a recreational sports team, without telling her about it. Take up a new interest. In short, start doing things that go totally AGAINST what she expects you to do. At one year out, she's got you slotted neatly into a category, and you're playing to type. Women don't like guys like that. They like guys who keep them on their toes. My XW had very little respect for me. A big part of that was because of problems with her. But like you, I had developed a narrow range of behaviours and actions that no doubt contributed to that. Part of my own rebuilding process since we split has been constantly being open to trying new things. And I've done a number of things since we split that she's expressed surprise at, saying "I had no idea you were interested in that." That, and acting totally disinterested and, at times, like an as*hole towards her has helped too -- she probably respects me a lot more when act like that towards her than she ever did before, mostly because I was NEVER like that to her when we were married. I'm not suggesting you act like that towards your GF -- but the key is, DO THINGS SHE DOESN'T EXPECT YOU TO DO. And, back off a bit and don't be so clingy. Total turnoff for women.
alphamale Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Men who are a-holes are usually single and attract women with very little self confidence and as such, the relationship is doomed for failure. Ahh...but COC, men who are a-holes seem to have a lot of women arund them, and good looking one too! And let me point out that over time almost all relationships fail or end due to whatever reason.
Marshbear Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 The key is to have a balanced life. You need to have your own thing ( friends, hobbies, activities, etc. ) and let her have hers also. If you drown her in your neediness she will be turned off. She wants you to love her but be your own man. Trust her ( until she gives you reason not to ) and be happy within your self and she will be happy in you. She also needs to contribute to the relationship so don't take any crap from her and tell her if she is acting like a s***. Don't be afraid of losing her because if you do you never had her. Peace...
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Ahh...but COC, men who are a-holes seem to have a lot of women arund them, and good looking one too! They might be good looking but have a ton of baggage. The good looking ones with self-confidence are NOT with a-holes. And let me point out that over time almost all relationships fail or end due to whatever reason. Yes, failure to communicate mostly.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear The key is to have a balanced life. You need to have your own thing ( friends, hobbies, activities, etc. ) and let her have hers also. Bingo. Their lives should compliment each other, not depend on one or the other. If you drown her in your neediness she will be turned off. She wants you to love her but be your own man. Trust her ( until she gives you reason not to ) and be happy within your self and she will be happy in you. She also needs to contribute to the relationship so don't take any crap from her and tell her if she is acting like a s***. Don't be afraid of losing her because if you do you never had her. Peace... Excellent advice.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by confused05 So basically confidence / nice guy ( balanced ) is the best combo.. I have the Niceness, I realize my problem with the confidence and will begin working on it. Remove NICE and replace it with KIND. You don't want to be a "nice guy" you want to be calm, confident, self-assured and masculine. You do that by, as Marsh pointed out, having a balanced like. You must compliment each others lives, not define them. Once I have this fixed and balanced Im hoping i will see a nice change in things. I think its def fixable and i do realize its me not her. That's most of the battle. Once you read the book you'll understand what you need to do. Marshbear hit it on the head. I am in the middle of my own transformation. I just wish I had learned what I was doing wrong well before my relationship ended. And I also know that shes not leaving me ( so i have no reason not to be confident ) If i keep up this behaviour though she will. I see that its weak and will push her away. CHANGE FOR YOU, NOT FOR HER! If you change for her, it will never stick. Now that you know you're suffering from nice guy syndrome you can take control of your life.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Once you really realize your past fears/hurts etc are in the past, look and stay in the now. This woman you're with is NOT the person who burned you. Don't go looking for stuff that isn't there. She loves you, obviously the relationship is good enough that you're living together, so try to remember to stay in the present. When she says go out and have a good time the boys - GO and do just that. Should be happy with eachother when one goes out and has a good time - That doesn't mean either of you feel any less, you're just living life. If you make it a big deal IT will become a big deal. There's no need to get jealous...Or worried. Be yourself, don't change TOO much. Communicate with her and just let her be aware of some of your concerns and that you're working on them. Good luck!
crazy_grl Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 To me, it doesn't sound like your problem is that you're being Mr. Nice Guy. It sounds like you're being Mr. Insecure, and you're confusing the two. Mentally stable women are drawn to men who are nice, buit they have to be secure, confident, and motivated too. Are your worries really stemming from you being nice or from you being insecure and afraid she's moving away from you? I have no idea what that book says, but if it's not about gaining confidence and security, I wouldn't bother reading it. From what OC has said about it though, it sounds like it might help. Gaining confidence will help your relationship, but stopping being nice is just going to push her farther away. So don't overdo it and start acting like a d*ck. Keep doing considerate and kind things for her, but also focus on the aspects of your life that don't include her. Other than that, my main advice is to listen to OC on this one. He's already said pretty much everything I would have.
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