Being aloof all night?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Male friend of mine, age 50...slender and in good shape (runs marathons). Apparently, there's this woman in Meetup that shows up occasionally and she did a couple Sat. nights ago at a party around a campfire. She came with a female friend and they just kind of sat with each other most of the night and talked...she never mingled. Had guys approach her, but that's it.

 

Her and her friend got bored and left early, told me that its her friend that wanted to leave and she was the driver.

 

Anyhow, I get to talking to my male friend after the party and I mentioned how she left early and he goes, "Well, I got some info on that...we were suppose to talk at the party, but we never did."

 

Then he goes to tell me that she called him when she got home. I am guessing they had been in touch at least by phone before the party...and both were going to the same party and the intention there was to "chat each other up" then...but he never approached her.

 

He goes on to tell me THIS is what created attraction for her...him ignoring her (or aloof as he calls it) all night. He said it wasn't really deliberate, because he wasn't in the "flirting" mood that night...and was just talking to his close friends at the event.

 

Apparently, he was just giving me an example of what attracts women and that was such an example and that...

 

"Women don't know what they want, until they have it presented to them in the moment."

 

Thoughts?

[Hyperfocal]

It can work, but poorly. And the ones it works for seem to be the ones' that might not be desirable. I don't do aloof. Women in his age bracket respond best to direct communication.

[MissBee]

I would never call a man who ignored me. I have far too much pride. Most of the women I'm friends with are this way as well.

 

I prefer a man to take the lead first off, so I will give all the signals and be open, if he doesn't follow through I assume he's not that interested and I leave it alone. It wouldn't compel me to call him up.

 

Some women, and men, may be motivated by rejection or the idea of playing hard to get and their egos can't handle feeling rejected so they might go into overdrive to get someone to respond to them, but not everyone works that way. I was just talking about this to my bestfriend. It's a new year and literally about 3 guys I've not given the time of day all last year or YEAAARS before have suddenly resurfaced to bother me about how much they like me ....I don't get it. I've ignored or politely declined their offers for months or years, so not sure how they still have the temerity to still try. I figure then it must be some kind of difference in personality where they either are motivated by rejection or are oblivious. While I'm so opposite, if I like a guy and he is giving me no play or is aloof with me, I vanish. I don't assume he's playing hard to get or anything, I genuinely believe he isn't into me and I move on.

[scorpiogirl]

I would never call a man who ignored me. I have far too much pride. Most of the women I'm friends with are this way as well.

 

I prefer a man to take the lead first off, so I will give all the signals and be open, if he doesn't follow through I assume he's not that interested and I leave it alone. It wouldn't compel me to call him up.

 

Some women, and men, may be motivated by rejection or the idea of playing hard to get and their egos can't handle feeling rejected so they might go into overdrive to get someone to respond to them, but not everyone works that way. I was just talking about this to my bestfriend. It's a new year and literally about 3 guys I've not given the time of day all last year or YEAAARS before have suddenly resurfaced to bother me about how much they like me ....I don't get it. I've ignored or politely declined their offers for months or years, so not sure how they still have the temerity to still try. I figure then it must be some kind of difference in personality where they either are motivated by rejection or are oblivious. While I'm so opposite, if I like a guy and he is giving me no play or is aloof with me, I vanish. I don't assume he's playing hard to get or anything, I genuinely believe he isn't into me and I move on.

 

Absolutely agree. If I'm ignored, why would I try harder unless I had tremendously low self esteem.

And this "male friend" sounds like an ass anyway.

[MidwestUSA]

Let us know how that works out for your friend.

 

I have feeling he's going to be alone, for a very long time.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Let us know how that works out for your friend.

 

I have feeling he's going to be alone, for a very long time.

 

Actually, he's told me he's got 4 sexual flings going on at once. I guess he can only handle so many.

[GemmaUK]

Aloof is intriguing if you are attracted to the guy.

 

 

No matter whether you speak or not that night - there's likely another night some other time.

 

I've never liked a man to be all up in my face. I recall a night when I was 23 and had just met my LT partner a couple of weeks before.

I asked him out initially btw. I was crazy about him!!

It was a Friday night and I was out with my friends, he was out with his and he turned up where I was ( I had said we would likely go to this place). He had no friends in tow though and came just to see me.

I was cool with it but asked him never to do that again as his time was his and mine was mine.

Basically, had he done that every week I would have felt smothered...horrible feeling and a total turn off.

[hasaquestion]

Aloof is intriguing if you are attracted to the guy.

 

 

No matter whether you speak or not that night - there's likely another night some other time.

 

I've never liked a man to be all up in my face. I recall a night when I was 23 and had just met my LT partner a couple of weeks before.

I asked him out initially btw. I was crazy about him!!

It was a Friday night and I was out with my friends, he was out with his and he turned up where I was ( I had said we would likely go to this place). He had no friends in tow though and came just to see me.

I was cool with it but asked him never to do that again as his time was his and mine was mine.

Basically, had he done that every week I would have felt smothered...horrible feeling and a total turn off.

 

Yeah. Aloof has a lot of negative connotations. But maintaining boundaries is a very positive thing if you're a dude. Its like buying a girl a drink at a bar. A lot of men offer to buy you a drink as a way of introducing themselves. I hate that. Its like I don't even know you and I want to get you a drink already. Make people do something for your attention.

[FeelingFireworks]

Actually, he's told me he's got 4 sexual flings going on at once. I guess he can only handle so many.

 

 

from this, I guess he may be emotionally unavailable now. That's why he's having flings and is Cool with appearing aloof. If he was serious about having a gf, I'm sure he'd act more interested and focused on getting to know Someone, cos seeking or nurturing a monogamous relationship requires attention.

 

As for this woman, Unless she's not seeking a bf, her being accepting of this level of EU/aloof behaviour is asking to NOT to be taken seriously or at worst, played.

 

IMHO, If they do work their way into a relationship, it's being built on a pretty sh*tty foundation. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if one person does a 180 later on as they've become frustrated with the breadcrumbs.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I asked him out initially btw. I was crazy about him!!

 

This is something that's interesting, as women usually are NEVER The ones to do the asking out. He's lately had most women calling and do the asking lately, and it actually boggles my mind as I think I only had that happened twice in my life.

 

He leaves texting to ONLY setting dates, nothing else.

 

He even told me he met a woman at a restaurant, but bar area that he talked to, flirted with, got a number and a good night kiss from her...from a woman he JUST met.

 

All he did was just sat next to her, they were both watching the game and this was an icebreaker into chatting her up about the teams.

 

Can you only imagine asking a woman for her # and it being followed by a good night kiss?

 

Some of these stories he's telling me I'm a hard time buying into as I've rarely heard of this happening.

 

I wonder though...but like you said...ONLY if he's attracted.

 

Also, and this may sound sexist, he said a woman doesn't know what she wants UNTIL the moment you present it to her. I've just been taking cliff notes this new year...so was pondering this.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Also, there was also mentioned the "sweet spot" between under-pursuing and over-pursuing that will keep a woman around and not chase her off.

 

I think sometimes this happens to A LOT of men, of ALL ages...they land a date and IMMEDIATELY they throw her into the "I got a girlfriend now!" status to the point where it's overly possesive and this is not uncommon.

 

I researched something online that some men have blown it with a woman that COULD have been the perfect match for them because they over pursued after the first couple of dates. He talked with her other friends about it and found out that at FIRST she couldn't stop talking about HIM...and this made him feel worse because he blamed himself for over pursuing what could have been a good partner.

 

Not sure if there's going back to salvage that or not though.

 

 

A lot of men offer to buy you a drink as a way of introducing themselves. I hate that. Its like I don't even know you and I want to get you a drink already. Make people do something for your attention.

 

He didn't buy her a drink, but chatted her up about the game being on TV. Better segue that way.

Edited January 5, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[Popsicle]

I LIKE aloof men, provided they are not obviously chatting up several women. But once I express interest (and I will in a clear way) if he doesn't "take the bull by the horns" so to speak, then he will appear disinterested to me, and then I lose interest.

[SpiralOut]

Maybe she is emotionally unavailable herself. Like attracts like. Or maybe she enjoys a challenge.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Aloof is intriguing if you are attracted to the guy.

 

This...it seems the advice given to "find ways to attract women" only work IF they are attracted?

 

I'm assuming the physical here though.

 

But we are talking about ways to attract women if they aren't attracted or they are already attracted...if that makes any sense.

[GemmaUK]

This...it seems the advice given to "find ways to attract women" only work IF they are attracted?

 

I'm assuming the physical here though.

 

But we are talking about ways to attract women if they aren't attracted or they are already attracted...if that makes any sense.

 

If one party isn't attracted then they won't notice if someone is being aloof though, they would probably welcome it as they likely don't want any attention from the person they are not attracted to.