sunking101 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 (edited) Advice needed here please. I'm a 44 y/o male who has been dating a 38 y/o woman for a couple of months. We both really like each other and want this relationship to progress. However, I'm struggling quite badly with some issues and they are: She is best friends with a guy she met on a dating site approx 18 months ago. They apparently went on one date together and she decided there was no chemistry there. A month or two later he messaged her on the same site asking how her dating was going. He then proceeded to invite her along as his platonic companion to dating events. They have forged a very close friendship since and message each other morning, noon and night every single day. He is single if it makes any difference. My second issue is another of her male friends who she had sex with approx six months ago whilst drunk and they embarked on a three month ****buddy fling after that. She ended up falling for him and she wanted a relationship but he didn't. It's hazy when she stopped having sex with him, it was definitely before she met me but only a month or two beforehand. My real issue is that she is still good friends with him and they are in contact, although I have no idea of the frequency. He is also single. Thirdly, and lastly, she has other exes on her Facebook along with these two guys. One ex from some considerable number of years ago regularly posts approving comments when she changes her profile photo. She also accepted a friendship request whilst seeing me from a random guy she used to work with who then asked her out. So my question is, are any or all of these issues necessarily a problem? To me they're all inappropriate and cause me unnecessary stress. To me it's just a matter or respect, she should be showing more respect to our relationship and to me because all this previous romantic history baggage is a spanner in the works so far as I'm concerned. Edited January 5, 2016 by sunking101
sambolini Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Guy #1 wouldn't bother me. I'm platonic friends with women I went out with once or twice but didn't feel any attraction to or chemistry for. It's not quite the same, but one of my FWB has been a good friend even when I was in a relationship with other women (without the benefits). We'd often text daily about random stuff; co-workers we hate, people we're dating, etc. We never sexted, we never flirted, and we always kept every conversation strictly aboveboard. Guy #2 would definitely concern me. Not because of the sex part, but because she fell for him. If they are still in contact, that'd bother me. I try not to put much stock into Facebook stuff, but an ex constantly making suggestive comments on her pictures would raise my eyebrows. Especially her accepting a friend request from a random guy who asked her out; they could easily be messaging on Facebook. Have you talked to her about how this makes you feel?
Author sunking101 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Guy #1 wouldn't bother me. I'm platonic friends with women I went out with once or twice but didn't feel any attraction to or chemistry for. It's not quite the same, but one of my FWB has been a good friend even when I was in a relationship with other women (without the benefits). We'd often text daily about random stuff; co-workers we hate, people we're dating, etc. We never sexted, we never flirted, and we always kept every conversation strictly aboveboard. Guy #2 would definitely concern me. Not because of the sex part, but because she fell for him. If they are still in contact, that'd bother me. I try not to put much stock into Facebook stuff, but an ex constantly making suggestive comments on her pictures would raise my eyebrows. Especially her accepting a friend request from a random guy who asked her out; they could easily be messaging on Facebook. Have you talked to her about how this makes you feel? Yeah guy #1 doesn't bother me as such, it's more the frequency of their contact. It isnliterally morning, noon and night every single day. I don't speak to my best friends anything like that often. Guy #2 is the biggie, I mean he can't just revert to a normal 'friend' that I should be cool with when it's all so recent can he. It would be different if he had wanted more and she hadn't. To see them as friends on FB and know that they exchange Whatsapp messages just annoys me. Guy #3 should have been deleted from her FB after sending one message asking her out the moment she accepted his friendship request. Only guy #2 genuinely worries me but I think she should massively tone down communications with guy #1. All three are inappropriate to me in their current guises. I've spoken to her about it and been 'assured' that nothing is going on with #1 and #2, and with guy #3 she just thinks I'm being controlling asking her to delete him.
Sparta Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 (edited) Piece of **** ****ing brand-new iPhone just froze up on me I lost the whole thing I read anyways this is all I need to your second post your last sentence on how she responded to you get. You need to get out now out of that relationship and away from her ASAP ...!!! Edited January 5, 2016 by Sparta
sandylee1 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I wouldn't want a relationship with a woman like her if I were a gut. Way too many ex BFs still around... and whilst it's good she's been honest about the contact and nature of the relationship with them ... I'd be very uneasy. My other half being in such frequent contact with a member of the opposite sex... would make me feel jealous and unhappy..... I don't see why a relationship should make me feel that way. If I did remain in such a relationship.. I wouldn't give it my all because I'd think the other person would let me down sooner or later.... I'd end up being on the lookout for someone else and just passing time with them... as a way to protect my heart. 1
mike_89 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Well get ready to be cheated on if you stay with her. If that does not bother you, stay with her. Otherwise, eject. Very unhealthy behaviour.
PegNosePete Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I think that women like her do not make good relationship partners. My guess is that it is just a matter of time before one of her male "friends" crosses some lines and things happen. Seconded. This sounds like a whole pot of drama just waiting to explode. Personally I would not get involved with someone who invites so much drama and hassle after just a few months dating. Imagine what will happen after a year or two! 1
central Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 (edited) None of these things would bother me, IF I evaluated her as able to commit to me and maintain good boundaries with these other men. I have several exes as very good friends and I am able to maintain boundaries even if there is a little attraction remaining. If any of those friends try to cross a boundary and don't back off when told, they will be out of my life entirely. My wife has a couple of exes with whom she stayed friends. In 16 years together, this has never posed any problems. And for both of us, some of those exes have become mutual friends. The only one I might be concerned about in your case is the one where she fell for him - that is too recent and perhaps too strong a connection for her to create good boundaries this soon. I'd ask her to end that friendship - the others would be okay as far as I'm concerned. Edited January 5, 2016 by central
Wewon Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I'm usually very harsh when people cheat or otherwise act inappropriately and then say, "One thing lead to another and..." and its usually because of situations like this. There are too many half resolved and too much unfinished business around her. She may not be cognizant of it, but she seems to be setting up a scenario for something unfavorable to happen.
LydiaLong Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 She definitely sounds like a party girl. Party girls don't make for stable relationships.
GravityMan Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I'm not really the jealous type, so in general, I don't have a problem with a woman remaining friends with a few of her exes, if both she and the ex are completely over each other, and if good boundaries are consistently maintained. (Admittedly, it would also help if the ex had a GF of his own and is in a stable and happy relationship.) In fact, I think it's a strong sign of maturity, security and emotional strength if a woman or guy can be friends with exes and the opposite sex in general and maintain boundaries. You never know, some of those folks may end up becoming friends, acquaintances or colleagues of mine, too. However, if boundaries cannot be maintained, then the ex should be completely expelled from her life both physically and mentally. Clean break. It's best to evaluate these situations on a case-by-case basis. If I was in your shoes OP, both guy #1 and guy #2 would concern me, because of the manner and frequency of the GF interacting with them. Getting a "drama" vibe. It's fine to be friendly with exes, but being overly friendly may arouse suspicion. I don't think your girlfriend respects you or the relationship.
Davidjo Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 (edited) This is all completely inappropriate! If she's had sex with someone in the past you shouldn't allow the friendship. Because a line has been crossed. The first time you mess up she will go and sleep with him. And furthermore anyone she's had around her and has looked at in that way should also be a no no! As a man I can tell you that the guy on the dating site has intentions of sleeping with her What's more important your relationship or them? But from my experience in the past my old long term ex girlfriend had a male friend. I got a good vibe from him and when I was at my lowest point in life he was the only person who came through for me. Not my close family or other friends just him. So don't be overly harsh on any male friend she has. Pick up your own vibe if you see potential there could be more to it, then make your own judgement. But don't be the fool who makes someone else's FFCCUUKK buddy into your wife. That guy will sleep with her whenever he feels like it & she's still into him. You need to set rules, but I don't think this is the girl for you. Give her a chance by telling her to have no contact if she respects you she will, if she refuses you have no future A girl can't be attracted to you if she doesn't respect you Edited January 5, 2016 by Davidjo 1
Author sunking101 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Hmm, there isn't much positivity here :-( I did speak to my girlfriend about these guys and basically she said that she has known them years, they were her friends before I came along, I should trust her and that any problems I might have with the situation are the result of my own insecurities. She also thinks that few other men would have a problem with it. I'm basically left with a like it or lump it scenario! My heart says like it because I love her, but my head says no.
Alamo657 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Hmm, there isn't much positivity here :-( I did speak to my girlfriend about these guys and basically she said that she has known them years, they were her friends before I came along, I should trust her and that any problems I might have with the situation are the result of my own insecurities. She also thinks that few other men would have a problem with it. I'm basically left with a like it or lump it scenario! My heart says like it because I love her, but my head says no. Well look, it all depends on the personnality of your girlfriend. If she's is an insecure bitchy flirt with daddy issues, she will cheat on you with one of them at the firt sign of weakness. If she is a down to earth nice person, they really are just friends, and you shouldn't worry.
Davidjo Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Well look, it all depends on the personnality of your girlfriend. If she's is an insecure bitchy flirt with daddy issues, she will cheat on you with one of them at the firt sign of weakness. If she is a down to earth nice person, they really are just friends, and you shouldn't worry. My current girl I spoke about in my other thread is "the pretty girl everyone would want, has daddy issues& is flirty". But on the flip side she is down to earth, funny and a church girl these days Should I worry?
sandylee1 Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 You like her too much and after couple of months you even love her. Protect your heart and NEVER trust 100%. I'd reconnect or get some female friends if I were you... I believe in evening things put. If she's happy with you constantly texting a female..then cool. Having a girl ... whose just a friend can mean you get a female perspective that's not your GF. Has your GF ever been married? Is marriage something you may want in the future ? Is she wife material? 1
oldshirt Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 sounds like she needs a lot of male attention, validation and ego strokes. she probably also needs to always have a backup plan at any given time and perhaps even backup plans for the backup plans. That doesn't necessarily mean she's hooking up on the side now, but it does mean that she always has a soft place to land if things with you ever turn south. Those guys are waiting their turn on deck waiting for you to screw up or for her to change her mind, get bored or feel lonely or neglected. She may be a good, faithful GF. ....while everything is fine. The risk in this situation is not that she's going to step out tomorrow. The risk is that she has a high need for male attention and validation and she likes to keep several orbiters on standby at any given time. As long as everything is fine, everything will probably be fine. So as long as she never feels lonely, neglected, bored, mad at you or dissatisfied in any way of your relationship, you'll probably be ok. 1
sandylee1 Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Hmm, there isn't much positivity here :-( I did speak to my girlfriend about these guys and basically she said that she has known them years, they were her friends before I came along, I should trust her and that any problems I might have with the situation are the result of my own insecurities. She also thinks that few other men would have a problem with it. I'm basically left with a like it or lump it scenario! My heart says like it because I love her, but my head says no. Listen to your head. She isn't considering YOUR feelings. Your 40+ and I would have thought you haven't got the time to waste on someone who isn't as into you, as you are to them. I'm not saying your old (I'm older and don't feel it) ...just that she doesn't seem sensitive to your feelings and I'd have thought at 38 and single ... she'd do her best to keep her man happy. She's no spring chicken I imagine you could get another good woman easier than she could get a good man.
Author sunking101 Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 Thanks for all your replies. I've spoken to her about this again but sadly when I bring up the subject she withdraws for a few days and puts me in the doghouse. She has said that she can't stop seeing the ex-FB because he's in her group of friends (he is) and he'll always be there on nights out. So unless she scraps her entire group of friends that she's known for years it's going to be impossible for her to avoid this guy. So what now? I can't expect her to completely give up her social circle can I? The best male mate ironically isn't in this circle of friends.
Davidjo Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Thanks for all your replies. I've spoken to her about this again but sadly when I bring up the subject she withdraws for a few days and puts me in the doghouse. She has said that she can't stop seeing the ex-FB because he's in her group of friends (he is) and he'll always be there on nights out. So unless she scraps her entire group of friends that she's known for years it's going to be impossible for her to avoid this guy. So what now? I can't expect her to completely give up her social circle can I? The best male mate ironically isn't in this circle of friends. By the sounds of it, she wants to keep her other options open. Girls in general can be worse cheats then men. If she's choosing to keep male friends around her knowing how you feel. She is trying to show you that she can be cold and heartless to you when she's ready and that right there is a BIG SIGN OF DANGER my friend. She is conditioning you to let you know she wears the trousers if you let her. Let's face facts 98% of men would sleep with an attractive girl if they had the chance & the fact that she's opened up the doors to them already, it will always be somewhere on the table. She sounds like she has no respect for you. And you will not make it if she doesn't respect you. Yes you might keep her for a while, but if you back down on this, she will cross the line with you again and again. The number 1 quality women need in men is strength, she is testing you right now. My advice to you would be to find the stregnth to let her go if she doesn't compromise. That is the only way you can shift the power in your relationship, if you don't she will take you for an idiot, and still leave you in the long run. If you want to keep her, you must man up (no disrespect intended) show her your strength in character and put your foot down. She can still avoid this guy but she chooses not to(did you ever watch the old sitcom "friends"? A similar situation happened with Ross and Rachel). She still entertains her old F buddy because she's still into him all this is DANGER! Personally I'd get out now, she doesn't sound that special. Good luck with it all
sandylee1 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Thanks for all your replies. I've spoken to her about this again but sadly when I bring up the subject she withdraws for a few days and puts me in the doghouse. She has said that she can't stop seeing the ex-FB because he's in her group of friends (he is) and he'll always be there on nights out. So unless she scraps her entire group of friends that she's known for years it's going to be impossible for her to avoid this guy. So what now? I can't expect her to completely give up her social circle can I? The best male mate ironically isn't in this circle of friends. That treatment of putting you in the doghouse will be her behaviour whenever she's not happy with you or doesn't get her way. It's not about giving up the circle of friends ... but at least instead of withdrawing. She could get really close to you and reassure you that there's no way anything would ever happen with this guy ... because she loves you. .. but she won't do that. Because if this guy wants her. He'll have her. Right now you just have to rely on him not wanting her. If that guys feels down or breaks up with a GF and wants some TLC ... do you honestly think she'll turn him down? If you believe she would turn him down. . You have nothing to worry about. The issue is how she feels about him NOW. She liked him and wanted more .... if he gave more or even wanted to revert to being FWBs... would she go for it?
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