ptlouie11 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I'm 23 years old and I've never been in a real serious relationship. I'm currently at the point in my life where I'm ready to meet someone and be committed. I'm not the type who enjoys casual dating. I recently met a 24-yo guy online and have been seeing him for about 3 months. We had the exclusive talk a couple of weeks ago. He said he likes me and he's not seeing anyone else. He said he's also looking for a long-term relationship and agreed to become official. However, I can't tell if he's very into me yet and I don't know if I should continue. Good signs: 1. He's been initiating dates almost every week (about once/week) and never insists that I come over his place. I have hung out at his place a couple of times but we still haven't gone past 1st base. 2. He has introduced me to a couple of his friends and also talked about me to his parents. Bad signs: 1. He takes forever to text me back (from 2 to over 10 hours) even when he's the one who initiated the conversation. We also don't communicate very regularly, only about 2-3 times/week, no phone call. I have brought this up with him and he has made an effort to text me every other day. Response time is still slow. 2. He doesn't want to make our relationship known to social media (FB, etc.) and doesn't want to introduce me to his parents. He said most of the girls he dated never met his family and he's never been in any relationship that lasted more than a year. 3. He's not very affectionate when we're on dates. I usually have to initiate holding hand or touching him when we're watching a movie together. He still hasn't brought up sex at all. Does it all sound like he's going at the right pace or is he just not that into me?
Author ptlouie11 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 I forgot to mention that we're both busy grad school students. I told him I'd prefer to see him more regularly and I'm willing to make time. So far, he hasn't managed to see me more than once per week yet.
thecrucible Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 If you are making regular dates, taking a bit longer to reply to each text may just be his communication style. It's too early to have parents in the picture and he probably wants to wait longer before making anything "Facebook official". This could be because he has relatives on Facebook and maybe doesn't feel ready to make a budding relationship known to them yet. Or perhaps he's not that invested in Facebook in general? As for not being affectionate on dates, it could be part of his personality that he isn't into public displays of affection. You can maybe ask him his views generally on public displays of affection.
Jacob_Duluoz Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I wouldn't take the parents thing too seriously yet since you're both in school, fairly young and 3 months isn't that long of a time. I would hazard the same thing in regard to social media, give it a little time. Weird that he hasn't brought up sex at all. 2
Author ptlouie11 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 What do you all think about the lack of communication or the slow response? I've brought up with him a few times and he just says that he's not that into texting. Yet, he rarely ever calls. It's just hard to feel connected to him when we only see each other once a week and we barely talk in between.
Jacob_Duluoz Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Depends, he should be able to manage some daily texting. I was a grad student the last two years, often I was fairly busy, that said this could be mismatch as much as lack of interest. Do you like this guy all that much?
Author ptlouie11 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Depends, he should be able to manage some daily texting. I was a grad student the last two years, often I was fairly busy, that said this could be mismatch as much as lack of interest. Do you like this guy all that much? Yeah I'm really into him and I like how nice and driven he is. It's just his behavior makes me feel insecure about his feelings for me. He did tell me he likes me and agreed to be official. But things haven't changed much from before we were official. He's been texting me every day to every other day like I said. He used to go for 3-4 days without talking to me.
oberkeat Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 (edited) He's not very affectionate when we're on dates. I usually have to initiate holding hand or touching him when we're watching a movie together. He still hasn't brought up sex at all. Does it all sound like he's going at the right pace or is he just not that into me? 3 months of dating and he hasn't tried to have sex with you? What is he waiting for? A constitutional amendment declaring it okay for men to have sex with their girlfriends? I think you should dump him and find a guy with a functioning sex drive. Edited January 5, 2016 by oberkeat 1
Redhead14 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I'm 23 years old and I've never been in a real serious relationship. I'm currently at the point in my life where I'm ready to meet someone and be committed. I'm not the type who enjoys casual dating. I recently met a 24-yo guy online and have been seeing him for about 3 months. We had the exclusive talk a couple of weeks ago. He said he likes me and he's not seeing anyone else. He said he's also looking for a long-term relationship and agreed to become official. However, I can't tell if he's very into me yet and I don't know if I should continue. Good signs: 1. He's been initiating dates almost every week (about once/week) and never insists that I come over his place. I have hung out at his place a couple of times but we still haven't gone past 1st base. 2. He has introduced me to a couple of his friends and also talked about me to his parents. Bad signs: 1. He takes forever to text me back (from 2 to over 10 hours) even when he's the one who initiated the conversation. We also don't communicate very regularly, only about 2-3 times/week, no phone call. I have brought this up with him and he has made an effort to text me every other day. Response time is still slow. 2. He doesn't want to make our relationship known to social media (FB, etc.) and doesn't want to introduce me to his parents. He said most of the girls he dated never met his family and he's never been in any relationship that lasted more than a year. 3. He's not very affectionate when we're on dates. I usually have to initiate holding hand or touching him when we're watching a movie together. He still hasn't brought up sex at all. Does it all sound like he's going at the right pace or is he just not that into me? If you are dating in stages, exclusivity is not boyfriend and girlfriend. It is basically an agreement between the parties not to date or be sexual with anyone else for the purpose of focusing on one another to determine if the relationship can/will develop to the next stage. It is OK for you to let him know what it is you want from a relationship, which in your case includes better/more frequent and more quality communication and intimacy. If you do that and he doesn't attempt to accommodate within a reasonable time, move on. Exclusivity should include physical intimacy. There should/could be more conversation about past relationships and what they were like and why they didn't work out. Communication . . . What is it that he wants out of dating? What are his long term goals in general? Religious views. Three months and no intimacy of any kind? Something isn't right here . . .
Author ptlouie11 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 If you are dating in stages, exclusivity is not boyfriend and girlfriend. It is basically an agreement between the parties not to date or be sexual with anyone else for the purpose of focusing on one another to determine if the relationship can/will develop to the next stage. It is OK for you to let him know what it is you want from a relationship, which in your case includes better/more frequent and more quality communication and intimacy. If you do that and he doesn't attempt to accommodate within a reasonable time, move on. Exclusivity should include physical intimacy. There should/could be more conversation about past relationships and what they were like and why they didn't work out. Communication . . . What is it that he wants out of dating? What are his long term goals in general? Religious views. Three months and no intimacy of any kind? Something isn't right here . . . I'm a virgin and I haven't let him know that yet as he hasn't tried to push for sex. I'm not the type who values my virginity or wants to lose it just for the sake of losing it. However, I want to make sure I'm comfortable enough with the person I'm with. We've made out at his place before but that was the extent of our physical contacts. He told me he hasn't dated much and the past relationships ended because the girls were too needy for him. He said he has broken up with them, but never has been dumped. He also hasn't dated anyone in over a year. As for the sexual advances, is it possible that he's just not attracted to me physically?
Versacehottie Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I wouldn't take the parents thing too seriously yet since you're both in school, fairly young and 3 months isn't that long of a time. I would hazard the same thing in regard to social media, give it a little time. Weird that he hasn't brought up sex at all. Yes, I was thinking that the not bringing up sex might mean he's just as inexperienced as you are OP. do you think that's possible?
Author ptlouie11 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Yes, I was thinking that the not bringing up sex might mean he's just as inexperienced as you are OP. do you think that's possible? I've made a joke about it before and he said he lost his virginity in undergrad. So, I'm assuming he has slept with his exes.
xcupid Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I've made a joke about it before and he said he lost his virginity in undergrad. So, I'm assuming he has slept with his exes. Doesn't mean he's experienced in sex or relationships for that matter. I'd be concerned about his lack of affection more than anything. You have to decide whether he's fulfilling your needs. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 (edited) I'm a virgin and I haven't let him know that yet as he hasn't tried to push for sex. I'm not the type who values my virginity or wants to lose it just for the sake of losing it. However, I want to make sure I'm comfortable enough with the person I'm with. We've made out at his place before but that was the extent of our physical contacts. He told me he hasn't dated much and the past relationships ended because the girls were too needy for him. He said he has broken up with them, but never has been dumped. He also hasn't dated anyone in over a year. As for the sexual advances, is it possible that he's just not attracted to me physically? Too needy? What's too needy for him? Communication? Tell him you've enjoyed spending time with him, but the relationship isn't meeting your basic early dating needs . . . a guy who calls, talks to you. schedules real dates and makes her feel desirable at least. The guys is a dud. Even if he's inexperienced, do you want to be his teacher? You are drinking non-alcoholic beer . . .you like the taste of beer, but there's no buzz. Edited January 5, 2016 by Redhead14
Buddhist Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Bad signs: 1. He takes forever to text me back (from 2 to over 10 hours) even when he's the one who initiated the conversation. We also don't communicate very regularly, only about 2-3 times/week, no phone call. I have brought this up with him and he has made an effort to text me every other day. Response time is still slow. Texting habits is NOT a sign of anything. Please stop basing relationship decisions on sodding text msgs. It's ridiculous. He doesn't text but does set up dates....can you not see the stupidity of this line of thinking. 2. He doesn't want to make our relationship known to social media (FB, etc.) and doesn't want to introduce me to his parents. He said most of the girls he dated never met his family and he's never been in any relationship that lasted more than a year. Not a real big deal that he doesn't want to advertise you to the world just yet. And why would you be meeting his parents after only a month? Given his history here, maybe there's a very good reason why he doesn't want to advertise you to all and sundry. He's not sure of the relationships solidity which is a completely normal thought to something very new. 3. He's not very affectionate when we're on dates. I usually have to initiate holding hand or touching him when we're watching a movie together. He still hasn't brought up sex at all. This is the only aspect where I think you have cause for concern. In all honesty he sounds gay. But yeah I realise that's a knee jerk reaction. FYI I was in a relationship with gay man and he was the most handsy and sexualised partner of them all. So can't really tell but I think it is a bit concerning that he's not feeling motivated in that direction if you two are official. He could also be a virgin?
Author ptlouie11 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Too needy? What's too needy for him? Communication? Tell him you've enjoyed spending time with him, but the relationship isn't meeting your basic early dating needs . . . a guy who calls, talks to you. schedules real dates and makes her feel desirable at least. The guys is a dud. Even if he's inexperienced, do you want to be his teacher? You are drinking non-alcoholic beer . . .you like the taste of beer, but there's no buzz. He said he broke up with the girls because they were obsessive and wanted to spend every waking moment with him and kept inviting themselves to events that he only wanted to be with his bros. And they got to the point of being stalkerish and creepy. I haven't discussed how often he communicated with them but I could ask and see how much communication he had with them
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