Dating Tests: Why, When, and How

January 5, 2016

The word 'deliberate'..... I like that, kind of like 'the deliberate stranger'.

If an action would not have occurred in the natural flow of the getting to know process but rather was injected into it with aforethought and deliberate intent, then it would rise to the level of an arbitrary dating test.

Heh, I used to be privy to some similar tests of husbands Get a bunch of women together and, well, a man is certain to burn.... it's like sport shooting, without guns.

January 5, 2016

He's a smart guy. He knows that any utterances of examples will be torn to shreds regardless of veracity. I predict he'll make a good husband!

January 5, 2016

He's a smart guy. He knows that any utterances of examples will be torn to shreds regardless of veracity. I predict he'll make a good husband!

Pfffffttttt ...

Seems more like:

OP: Women, why do you test/please give examples.

Women: What do you mean by test?

OP: Don't be coy, you know what I mean.

Women: No, really ...

OP: You're all pretending, you know what they are.

Women: Ooookkayyyyy ...

It sounds more to me like he's wanting to be proven right.

If he's had a woman tell him she's pregnant when not, or had one intentionally evade him or cancel on him, I'd say that's not a quality woman and move on. No one, man or woman, should have to put up with that ish.

I'm frankly done with this thread.

January 5, 2016

Some men perceive everything a woman says and does as a "test."

If she doesn't call back or cancels a date -- she's testing him (to see if he will chase). When the truth is she's just NOT interested in him.

If a woman legit thinks she's pregnant, tells her boyfriend, then finds out later it was a false/positive, she was testing him.

Let's face it.... many men just don't trust women and therefore don't trust anything they say or do -- it's always some kind of trick or manipulation = test.

Do "some" women test? Sure. Insecure and immature women.

But not all women... but it doesn't matter, as many men will presume every woman is testing him regardless.

January 5, 2016

Another example:

One time a girl told me (after having a break-up talk) "You are too okay/fine with the break up. You don't CHASE ME! Everyone else does. I am not used to it." And I said "I don't get it. You wanted me to chase you, even after you basically said you wanted to end things and move on (to another guy)? Why would I chase a girl who tells me another guy is more preferable to me. Like why?" Turns out it was a test and it was a fake break-up attempt. She was more attracted to me after that cuz I didn't act like a loser who would do anything no matter what she does.

I hope you dumped her right there and then. How old was she? 12?

Now, honestly tell me that before she did this to you there was no red flags what-so-ever about her lack of maturity? She had always acted like a grounded adult? Let me doubt it. I bet she was hot though...........right?

January 5, 2016

Ladies:

- Why do you test a guy? Is it conscious or unconscious?
- When do you test a guy? At what stage? What frequency?
- How do you test a guy? Examples would be great.

After rereading the op to make sure that I wasn't missing anything I don't see a general distrust of women in there. It was just dating questions directed toward women.

Is this much different than a woman asking why do men do X, Y or Z? When questions are general like that is it important to explicitly say "some", "many" or "a whole heck of a lot"?

Like it or not there are a lot of threads where it appears that game playing was taking place, or the OP wanted to see how the other person would react. You could go into the Breakup forum and see post with people whose ex's are upset that they didn't fall apart.

January 5, 2016

Examples of tests I've experienced and seen on these forums:

Wallet Test

The bill comes and the woman offers to contribute. If the man accepts her offer, he is labelled cheap and is unworthy of another date.

Door Test

A woman deliberately slows down as she approaches a door to see if the man will rush ahead to open it for her.

Persistence Test

A woman will decline a date with a man to see if he will chase her and ask her out again.

January 5, 2016

I know what a sh*t test is. However, You haven't given YOUR examples.

I think I've given plenty of examples from my life (not the same girl but all real occurrences) to explain what sh*t tests are -- even though the purpose/question of the thread was to get more examples from ladies and understand the why, when, and how.

I remembered two more:

One time a girl who was super into me (and after me, as she pursued me and asked me out) told me she has become a born-again church-going Catholic and she does not want to have sex until marriage. [The weird part was that we had already become intimate and sex wasn't the issue, which you'll understand at the end of the story]. I said okay, everyone has that right, and said something in the lines of "I respect your decision, and great for you, but I am too old for sex-less high school like platonic dating until marriage, I am sorry. I wish you the best." [This was like 3rd date or something so, early in that dating phase.] Turns out if was an attempt to see if she can manipulate me with sex. Why? After I said that she completely 'changed her mind' (right there on the phone) and wanted intimacy (her requests mostly) as we continued.

The same girl had also done the 'infidelity' test with me, asking her friend (someone I didn't know she was friends with) to make a sexual offer to me to see I'd accept.

January 6, 2016

The same girl had also done the 'infidelity' test with me, asking her friend (someone I didn't know she was friends with) to make a sexual offer to me to see I'd accept.

Ba-bing! Husband test!

January 6, 2016

OP, I'm sorry that these "tests" seem to be such a prevalent concern in your dating life. Can I ask how old you are? Just curious, as I have never participated in or experienced this "testing" phenomenon - nor have I even heard of it from any friends/acquaintances/etc.

January 6, 2016

Here are some examples of the "wallet test" from the forums:

This is true for me. I went on a first date recently and asked him if he wanted money. The bill was $23 and he said "sure you can leave $5 tip... well, make it $8 so I pay an even $20". I was so turned off. NEXT

YES. On our first date, he let me pay for my first drink. I took out my wallet thinking he'd stop me. When he didn't, I didn't care because I figured we'd keep it as only a friendly date. HE then told me, "I was going to pay for you." I thought, then why didn't you stop me. But whatever. He paid for other stuff later that evening and quickly redeemed himself. All dates after that he paid, I never played the wallet trick again. LOL

I went on a date with this older guy. 50. A doctor. We didn't even have dinner. I offered to help with the 2-3 drinks, and he accepted. He accepted f-ing $10 for the tip. Guess what? I never responded to his next request to go out. No. Cheap man = no! Sorry. I am not in college anymore.

January 6, 2016

Pfffffttttt ...

OP: Women, why do you test/please give examples.
Women: What do you mean by test?
OP: Don't be coy, you know what I mean.
Women: No, really ...
OP: You're all pretending, you know what they are.
Women: Ooookkayyyyy ...

Maybe we are not reading the same thread because I gave plenty of examples to make it clear what I am talking about. My original question was to learn more examples from people, not to spill example after example from my life.

January 6, 2016

Some men perceive everything a woman says and does as a "test."

Disclosure: All the examples I provided were confirmed to be a sh*t test by the women who have done it. So it is not my perception.

January 6, 2016

I have a habit of remembering a lot and being able to quote it back to the guy at an opportune moment.

Every girl I've dated has had this habit and used it against me incredibly well when we'd get into an argument.

January 6, 2016

i think i do this out of insecurity, really, that's my basis for testing. to see how much he will like me, do something, etc. so it can be (as another post mentioned) persistence.. like seeing how often he'll continue to pursue me if i break dates, or decline invitations, or not call him back, etc. will he give up or keep asking me? if i go out with other male friends often, or talk about them.. will he care, be jealous? it also takes the form of being on my own worst behavior - maybe talking back or doing something i consider really harsh (like insulting him), to see if he'd be able/willing to handle it. it does sound juvenile now that i write it out, but it stems from being insecure, at the heart of it. not believing this person really likes you and setting out to sabotage it a bit.

January 6, 2016

Persistence Test
A woman will decline a date with a man to see if he will chase her and ask her out again.

Psh... a lot of girls have missed out on guys who respect their decisions if this is done often. And I mean guys who genuinely cared about them! But if they'd rather go for someone who's desperate...

January 6, 2016

Ladies:

- Why do you test a guy? Is it conscious or unconscious?
- When do you test a guy? At what stage? What frequency?
- How do you test a guy? Examples would be great.

After rereading the op to make sure that I wasn't missing anything I don't see a general distrust of women in there. It was just dating questions directed toward women.

Is this much different than a woman asking why do men do X, Y or Z? When questions are general like that is it important to explicitly say "some", "many" or "a whole heck of a lot"?

Like it or not there are a lot of threads where it appears that game playing was taking place, or the OP wanted to see how the other person would react. You could go into the Breakup forum and see post with people whose ex's are upset that they didn't fall apart.

Exactly. Thank you. I feel like a number of people here are trying so hard to find a reason to call me 'bitter' 'you're the problem' 'it's not a test, it was in your head' 'etc. either because they see my thread as an attack-on-women or because they didn't like some of my positions in other threads. That is pretty pathetic and I am not sorry I didn't take their bait. I clearly stated I am asking other people's examples and I am being grilled as I am on trial.

If he's had a woman tell him she's pregnant when not

I clearly stated that particular 'i'm pregnant' scenario was from a comedy movie.

You provide all these examples of tests you've seen or read about... but what about the so-called tests your ex ran on you...

I gave plenty of examples from my life. But this wasn't about my examples; this was about people who want to contribute giving me/us examples and maybe chime in on when, why, and how.

I bet she was hot though...........right?

I guess you are making an assumption to paint me as if I tolerated because someone was hot? Unfortunate.

January 6, 2016

i think i do this out of insecurity, really, that's my basis for testing. to see how much he will like me, do something, etc. so it can be (as another post mentioned) persistence.. like seeing how often he'll continue to pursue me if i break dates, or decline invitations, or not call him back, etc. will he give up or keep asking me? if i go out with other male friends often, or talk about them.. will he care, be jealous? it also takes the form of being on my own worst behavior - maybe talking back or doing something i consider really harsh (like insulting him), to see if he'd be able/willing to handle it.

*****it does sound juvenile now that i write it out, but it stems from being insecure, at the heart of it. not believing this person really likes you and setting out to sabotage it a bit.

Sabotaging it ....yeah that (all your tests) would do it....

Are you seeking some help for your insecurities and desire to sabotage? Definitely not healthy.

Wish you the best of luck overcoming .....

January 6, 2016

Sabotaging it ....yeah that (all your tests) would do it....

Are you seeking some help for your insecurities and desire to sabotage? Definitely not healthy.

Wish you the best of luck overcoming .....

awww... you're so sweet but no, not currently on meds or in therapy. he asked for examples.. does that mean i do it now? or that perhaps i've just done it before? assuming.. you know what that does right, it makes an...

January 6, 2016

i think i do this out of insecurity, really, that's my basis for testing. to see how much he will like me, do something, etc. so it can be (as another post mentioned) persistence.. like seeing how often he'll continue to pursue me if i break dates, or decline invitations, or not call him back, etc. will he give up or keep asking me? if i go out with other male friends often, or talk about them.. will he care, be jealous? it also takes the form of being on my own worst behavior - maybe talking back or doing something i consider really harsh (like insulting him), to see if he'd be able/willing to handle it. it does sound juvenile now that i write it out, but it stems from being insecure, at the heart of it. not believing this person really likes you and setting out to sabotage it a bit.

Thanks for sharing. Those are very common, so you aren't alone. It helps to hear it from someone who has done it and understand the motivation/thinking behind it. It helps everyone, in terms of dating and how we can navigate and be better partners.

January 6, 2016

Examples of tests I've experienced and seen on these forums:
Wallet Test
The bill comes and the woman offers to contribute. If the man accepts her offer, he is labelled cheap and is unworthy of another date.

Are you sure? Maybe she meant to pay. I know for a fact that some girls INSIST on paying their share when they know they're not interested in ever seeing the guy again, to avoid feeling obliged. Anyway why do you KNOW that it was the wallet test and not just a woman who didn't want to see a guy again??

Door Test
A woman deliberately slows down as she approaches a door to see if the man will rush ahead to open it for her.

Well ... some guys like to hold the door for women, and in fact dislike it when a woman won't accept the kind and chivalrous gesture. She might be just courteously allowing it to happen if it is going to. Or maybe she just really likes it when guys do that and is hoping he will!! is that wrong??

:confused:My guy always wants to open the door for me and actually gets a little miffed when I barge ahead and open it myself. I consciously slow down when coming to the door.

Persistence Test
A woman will decline a date with a man to see if he will chase her and ask her out again.

How do you know that's why she declined it? It's HIGHLY unlikely to happen if she's really interested. Regular women who are looking for a man don't want to pass up on a good one!!

Regarding the wallet and the door - really it's an awkward situation, traditionally guys DID pay and open the door, you don't know if he is expecting to do those things or not, if you don't really know each other or if you haven't figured out how you are going to deal with these things for yourself. It's not always so conniving as a woman scheming to trick and test guys!!

JSYK I am sure that these games have been played by women but I would bet that the instances of actions being misinterpreted are far greater.

January 6, 2016

Are you sure? Maybe she meant to pay. I know for a fact that some girls INSIST on paying their share when they know they're not interested in ever seeing the guy again, to avoid feeling obliged. Anyway why do you KNOW that it was the wallet test and not just a woman who didn't want to see a guy again??

Please see Post 6721314. Those are examples of three women on this forum using this test by their own admission.

Well ... some guys like to hold the door for women, and in fact dislike it when a woman won't accept the kind and chivalrous gesture. She might be just courteously allowing it to happen if it is going to. Or maybe she just really likes it when guys do that and is hoping he will!! is that wrong?? :confused:My guy always wants to open the door for me and actually gets a little miffed when I barge ahead and open it myself. I consciously slow down when coming to the door.

Your situation is different. You have an established understanding in your relationship. While I don't recall ever seeing this test on these forums, I have seen it in real life.

How do you know that's why she declined it? It's HIGHLY unlikely to happen if she's really interested. Regular women who are looking for a man don't want to pass up on a good one!!

Please see Post 6721593 in this thread for a female poster indicating she has tested men this way in the past.

January 6, 2016

Anyway, I just wanted to see some examples but girls on this forum don't wanna give their secrets away it seems.

Thats because we have learnt not to bother playing these games as when people do it is what we call a "red flag". Its actually quite a big and serious red flag.

Why?

Because it demonstrates needy, insecure, childish behavior that just doesn't get better...

In the grown up world if you don't take a call it is for one of 2 reasons.

1. You don't want to speak to that person

2. You can't take the call at that moment so you call back later.

It really is that simple.

The girl you describe with the sex tests... well... when does it end? Imagine married 20 years and she sends someone in to test you to see if you really have been working late? You talk and flirt a bit with no intention of doing anything then it all gets blown out of proportion.

Seriously dude.

Girls who do this are just not worth the hassle.

When you go on a date just be yourself. The right one will like you for who you actually are regardless of who pays or does anything.

But I will say this. Manners maketh man and be true to thyself. Those two sayings are so very true!

January 6, 2016

Men and women test each other at all stages of relationships as a way of coaxing out their true personality.

Once I am in a relationship with a girl, I move away from testing toward a more direct discourse, ostensibly under the framework that through our shared experiences a certain amount of vulnerability and candor is appropriate. The crux of it is that by testing you can really only beat around the bush, at that point I'm ready to get to the nitty gritty of their personality, and believe that we have reached the stage where she can be forthcoming in that respect. However in my experience the testing never stops from a woman, which is why women have more of a reputation as the testers.

In general I think that women have evolved to test more as an indirect form of power which retains them plausible deniability. A useful tactic in a world where you are physically weaker than the beings you are attracted to.

January 6, 2016

awww... you're so sweet but no, not currently on meds or in therapy. he asked for examples.. does that mean i do it now? or that perhaps i've just done it before? assuming.. you know what that does right, it makes an...

I'm sorry hun .....but your post said "I think I *do* this because......" which sounds like present tense....like you are currently doing it now. Testing and sabotaging now. In fact your entire post was written in present tense, not past tense.

So no I did not *assume* ...I took your post at face value ...present tense. Your own words.

If that is not the case, and you don't play these games anymore, fabulous. Glad to hear it!

And for the record, by help, I did not mean meds. Just a professional to help you work though insecurities......as I have done...as many have done.

But apparently you're over all that ....so again, glad to hear.

Edited January 6, 2016 by katiegrl

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