dmsisu Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 In the past, I'd join a relationship advice community forum after a break up. As much as I have learned and changed my ways and feel more informed for the next relationship, I am just like others... being put to a test by an significant other. I'm going to try and be brief and concise. Met a woman on a dating site back in November. Things started off real fast during the first 2 weeks, after the 5th date we slept together and she exclaimed that she loved me. On the 6th date, she admitted that she wasn't ready to say she loved me and that the sex was too soon. I agreed that saying "she loved me" was too soon, but was a little pissed that she wanted to then hold of on the sex, but I respected her wishes to just make out for a bit... that didn't last long, three days later she was begging me to sleep with her and three days after that, she claimed she really did fully love me. From there on, everything seemed fantastic. I was invited met her parents, was invited to Thanksgiving, and she introduced me to the most important man in her life, her 2yr old son. In my opinion, this is a sign of a trust and love. She invited me to pick out and cut down a christmas tree with her and her son, I was invited to a parent - teacher night at his school, and she even brought her son over when she met my parents for the first time. Everything was great, until the Sunday before Christmas. We had a date the night before that seemed fine and she was just as frisky at home after. But suddenly on Sunday morning, she "wasn't sure how she felt" and said once again that she had been to quick to say "love you" and that the sex was also too soon. I was furious, hurt, and totally confused inside, but decided to just cool off before reacting. She told me she was sorry and then said she needed sometime and space to think things over. So I gave her space, never initiating contact and only replying briefly when she did touch base. We then spoke on the 7th day of space, she was very appreciative of my patience and support, but was still not ready to talk and asked for another week. So I respected her wishes and again only replied briefly when she contacted me. On new years eve, she was really excited to talk to me and we stayed on the phone to countdown into the new year. She told me she still wanted to be my girlfriend and that I was a wonderful boyfriend for putting up with her. Before getting off the phone, I told her we'd talk on Sunday night (since she was visiting family) Last night we did talk, caught up and I asked her if I could take her on a date next Saturday night, which she happily said "Yes, I'd like that". I then started to end the conversation, but right before saying bye, I asked when she'd be available to talk again, she replied Wednesday. (an important note, back in the beginning, she would text me everyday and call every night, saying "a daily checkup is what she preferred". So now only talking once or twice a week is a little tough getting used to) She then told me she needed to have less attention for a little while, laughing "just be a little more scarce". I've never been told that before and instead of reacting, I just said OK and goodnight. I then looked up being scarce and sure enough saw that she was referring to my availability, which I think has been null for the past weeks, but then realized that maybe it was my availability in being there for her. Which looking back at things, I do usually reply soon after and can always talk. As well, whenever we'd plan a date, I was always available and flexible around her schedule (which I think would be understandable, since a single mother's schedule is very busy and limited) So any feedback and advice on anything from above is much appreciated. For this week, I really need advice for first. I said I'd call her on Wednesday, but wondering if I should maybe say I'm busy and will contact her when I have time <— This is based on the fact that she told me to be less available. And then for Saturday, I''m thinking, keep it light and don't be tempted if she invites me back to her house. Instead to give a kiss goodnight and say "I'll call you this week". Ok, let me have it... no beating around the bush. Cheers!
doeblin Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Since you've said you're gonna call her on Wednesday, call her... and tell her it's not working. This much frustration in the first two months is too much. You'd be much better off with another woman. Her swings make her look like a headcase, to be honest.This doesn't have the makings of a healthy long term relationship. 2
thecrucible Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 She sounds like a very confusing person who doesn't know what she wants. The fact she says she loves but doesn't really mean and then retracts it would raise eyebrows for me. I'm also concerned about the fact she has told you to "be less available". She seems like an emotionally avoidant type who blows hot and cold. I don't think planning dates in advance and being communicative is a bad thing. You can't take the being scarce thing too seriously because with the right person who genuinely likes you, you won't have to play any games. I take "being scarce" to mean more like you won't give up your life for the other person and you don't have to reply to them if you're busy, you just naturally. When "being scarce", you don't let yourself be persuaded into something you don't want to do either. So like you said, not going to her place at night if you don't feel like and having plenty of time to yourself. From what you said, it doesn't seem like you were too available. It seems like you were acting normally. 1
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