Dealing with Mom

January 4, 2016

I had a chance this weekend to meet my girlfriend's family. They invited me to come out of town with them this weekend to spend NYE.

A little background. My girlfriend is middle eastern, born and raised here, but with a very active and prominent family from Saudi Arabia. Her family back home is extremely wealthy and used to a certain level of living that I have not experienced before. My girlfriend, having grown up here is much more grounded, but her mom can be very entitled, judging and condescending at times. They are Muslim, albeit aren't strict in practicing. They do follow a lot of the major tenants though. So basically dating is frowned upon, no drinking, etc.

My girlfriend is very devoted to her mother (father isn't in the picture). So winning the mother over was paramount I think, if I wanted this relationship to progress.

This weekend started great I think. I drove us there (4hr drive). We had great conversation in the car. We went out on NYE and had a lot of fun. My girlfriend warned me that any PDA (holding hands, kissing, etc) was likely off the table around her mother, but we would make the most of it. Happily we were able to dance a bit, even snuck a kiss in at midnight.

As the weekend progressed I could tell her mother was getting perturbed at something. She was bickering in Arabic with my girlfriend Saturday morning, apparently about her lack of helping around the house or something. Made for an awkward day, but I continued to be cordial, offering help, opening doors, etc. Yesterday things came to a head a bit and her mom really got angry with us both apparently. No use getting into what started it, but suffice to say it was extremely minor to any normal person. She accused my girlfriend of being careless and rude, and that because I was there, she was forgetting her duties as a lady to do bla bla bla. The rest of that afternoon her mother was basically treating me like crap, didn't speak to me, etc.

Unfortunately she was with us that afternoon and for the 4 hour drive home. Girlfriend and I texted in the car all the way home to talk, because we couldn't talk with her in the car. She basically explained that her mom had high expectations that she, nor anyone she was in love with could ever live up to. It was complicated, etc. She also told me that she knew that she loved me, and that she had an amazing weekend with me, wanted to continue to spend time with me, and was so glad I came. For me not to worry.

So here is my worry. Her mom is extremely controlling of her life. How long before she decides im getting too close and attempts to pull the plug on us? Can she pull the plug on us? Are my worries unfounded, and I should just continue with my girlfriend and not worry about it? Another thing that really bugged me is the whole weekend, her mom and her moms friends (who we were staying with) were talking about my girlfriend opening a practice in their town, 5hrs away from where I have a career and a life. basically ignoring the fact that I was there and I was a part of her life too. How long before they make this choice for her? What will she do when they present some big opportunity for a business there? Say no and stay with me? Go?

I don't want to give up on this girl. I have really fallen for her. I feel like she is, and has been, controlled by her family forever. I can tell she is tired of it and stressed out by it. She told me on the way back, when we were able to stop at a truck stop and get away from her mom for a second, that she just really needs her mom to give her space, and she cried on my shoulder for a bit. She wants to get away I think...She is a very successful doctor, I am not sure why she continues to let this happen, other than I guess it is cultural.

What do I do? Just continue to be me, and hopefully it works out? I have never been in this situation before. I am not one to walk away, especially when I develop feelings. I know her and I could have a great life together. How much of a factor is this going to be, in your opinion? Anyone ever dealt with this?

January 4, 2016

From my experience anything to do with cultural or religious beliefs I have walked away. Your head is way too far up in the clouds to see that this isn't going to work out. Just my perspective.

January 4, 2016

From my experience anything to do with cultural or religious beliefs I have walked away. Your head is way too far up in the clouds to see that this isn't going to work out. Just my perspective.

So you think ultimately her mother will end up winning in the end?

I have definitely considered it, but I typically stick around for the abuse I guess.

She has made it clear (the girlfriend) to me that when she is in, she is in. She has unequivocally made it clear to me this weekend that she was in. She doesn't make the decision easily, and doesn't reverse course. I have to take her at her word, no?

January 4, 2016

I will also say that as we got closer to home, and her mom woke from her nap on the drive, she began talking to me like normal again, asking me questions about where I lived, talking to me about some music we were listening to, etc.

When we got home, she gave me a bunch of Saudi date cookies she had bought (she gave me the whole box because she knew I liked them). She invited me up for tea, etc.

So...I guess its just a hard read.

January 4, 2016

My son is in the process of watching his R with his gf of 2 years dissolve as a result of the very issues you bring up.

The gf's parents have only become more entrenched the longer the R has continued. And, as you might expect, my son has become less willing to accept the restrictions imposed, especially since he is 21 and the gf will be 21 next month.

I am not hopeful they will be able to find a satsifactory resolution. YMMV.

January 4, 2016

Your girlfriend sounds relatively smart and strong and like she's really into you.

She told you not to worry and that her Mom would be like this with everyone.

Eventually, the Mom might stop being such a hard case to handle, but at the end of the day it's not about her. If you really like this girl, continue to focus on your relationship together, forget about winning Mom over.

January 4, 2016

My son is in the process of watching his R with his gf of 2 years dissolve as a result of the very issues you bring up.

The gf's parents have only become more entrenched the longer the R has continued. And, as you might expect, my son has become less willing to accept the restrictions imposed, especially since he is 21 and the gf will be 21 next month.

I am not hopeful they will be able to find a satsifactory resolution. YMMV.

I guess part of me could understand at 21...its still not the parents place to be that controlling, but I understand it more.

She is 35 and I am 38. It is absolutely unnecessary at this point. I get it is a cultural thing, but enough is enough, her mom needs to let this girl be happy.

January 4, 2016

How old is her mom? One saving grace may be that she is not going to be around much longer. Sorry to put it that bluntly. She does not sound like a pleasant person to be around.

January 4, 2016

It's really hard to say. If you guys are in your 30s it's likely your gf is much more independent of her mom than if she was in her early 29s.

How much of a language barrier was there between you and her mom. How did gf react in these arguments.

I experience this with my last gf. I had the language/culture barrier. Her step mom ( who raised her much more than her mom) has been here for 20 yrs but still knows little English. I know she really liked me and thought my ex gf made a big mistake in breaking up with me. My gf and her are around the same ages as your situation.

January 5, 2016

Well I thought everything was fine yesterday. We talked at lunch, and then around 5PM she text me and asked me if I could meet last minute for coffee after work. I picked her up and we went and had coffee until around 8pm. I dropped her off at her car, we kissed, and she asked if she could call me later before bed.

It was 1130 and I still hadn't heard from her. I text her and got this reply:

Her: Having a tough evening, but anyway, I'm happy we spent time together today, sweet dreams.

I asked what was going on, and she just said "its ok"

I told her that this makes me a bit anxious and I felt like I was somehow responsible for this. I didn't want to lose her to this crap, and I wish there was something I could do to fix it. I didn't want to see her upset like this, especially after such a good night.

She said "Don't worry, Ill be dealing with it...we can talk tomorrow" "You aren't losing me this easy, let's just sleep, its getting late."

So apparently mom had another issue last night. No idea why or what it was about. The only thing that changed was that she and I went for coffee and she didn't make it back home until a little after 8pm. We are ****ing middle aged adults for god sake, not 16 year olds that have algebra class in the morning. This is ridiculous.

I really don't know what the F to do here. It is completely unfair that she busts her ass working to support herself, her mother, and whatever else im sure she pays for. Her mom commandeers her life and then makes her feel like **** for apparently not living up to some standard that is unobtainable.

I have some how exacerbated this for her. I know she is scared I am going to walk away. I don't intend to, but I also don't want to make this harder on her than it already is. I can tell she is really stressed out, and that in turn stresses me out.

So freaking angry at this point. We should be completely happy and enjoying this honeymoon phase, yet we are dealing with this crap every day now.

January 5, 2016

I'm considering trying to reach out to her mom and ask her to have lunch so we can talk about whatever hang ups she has.

I have never experienced this before with anyone I have ever dated. I am not perfect, but typically parents love me. I am not sure how else to handle this, other than to just confront it head on.

thoughts?

January 5, 2016

This is how I would have handled it, but note that it would probably make a mess to begin with.

I'm of the view that my relationship with another person and especially an intimate relationship is none of anyone else's business. A good relation cannot be maintained if it's shaped by someone outside the relation. Meaning that I listen to my girlfriend regarding what we do to each other, what she likes and doesn't like which is what matters. If my father told me how to treat my girlfriend I would shut him down really fast. We can do what we want to each other, the only condition is that it must be accepted by the other person in the relationship.

It's limited what you can do about the situation since it's her mother, that ultimately makes it her call. You gotta be careful not to do like the mother and pressure her towards you, don't interfere in their relationship as her mother interferes in yours. However you could talk to her presenting the perspective that it's your relationship and it's the ones in the relationship that has authority over it, because it concerns only you two and nobody else how you have it together.

I can relate to having a controlling mother, it's really really burdening and stressful. In the end though I realized my independence after countless rounds of fighting with her, I realized that as an adult I have complete authority over myself. She can tell me whatever she wants, but I can choose to disobey and she can't do **** about it. I don't have to do what she tells me, I don't have to fight with her. Now I clearly see things for what they are and I don't regret killing the relationship with my mother. The type of behavior her mother shows is downright disrespectful, ignorant, unkind and emotionally abusive. It's NOT ok to treat people like that, it's NOT a way to show love and nobody should accept being treated like a puppet.

You can possibly make her understand just how ridicoulously unfair and unkindly she's being treated, but she's the one who has to decide for herself not to accept it. It's always a bad idea to fight, but it's not a crime to disobey and walk away peacefully. Her mother might try to create hell out of it, but seriously if she does then who's really in the wrong? The one's staying away or the one aggressively chasing?

Note that my mother also has strong convictions, but apparently it's more important than my well being. I happen to strongly disagree with said convictions, but that would have been fine had she not attempted to shove them onto me. One day enough was enough, so I straight up told her to f off and stay the f away from me. Haven't spoken much to her since and I won't do it until she learns to respect my boundaries.

I hope some of what I said is useful, good luck.

Edited January 5, 2016 by Grewd

January 5, 2016

I guess part of me could understand at 21...its still not the parents place to be that controlling, but I understand it more.

She is 35 and I am 38. It is absolutely unnecessary at this point. I get it is a cultural thing, but enough is enough, her mom needs to let this girl be happy.

I'd say you are in worse shape than my son, in that case. By 35, if your gf has not separated from her mother, it's not likely that she is going to do so.

January 5, 2016

This is how I would have handled it, but note that it would probably make a mess to begin with.

I'm of the view that my relationship with another person and especially an intimate relationship is none of anyone else's business. A good relation cannot be maintained if it's shaped by someone outside the relation. Meaning that I listen to my girlfriend regarding what we do to each other, what she likes and doesn't like which is what matters. If my father told me how to treat my girlfriend I would shut him down really fast. We can do what we want to each other, the only condition is that it must be accepted by the other person in the relationship.

It's limited what you can do about the situation since it's her mother, that ultimately makes it her call. You gotta be careful not to do like the mother and pressure her towards you, don't interfere in their relationship as her mother interferes in yours. However you could talk to her presenting the perspective that it's your relationship and it's the ones in the relationship that has authority over it, because it concerns only you two and nobody else how you have it together.

I can relate to having a controlling mother, it's really really burdening and stressful. In the end though I realized my independence after countless rounds of fighting with her, I realized that as an adult I have complete authority over myself. She can tell me whatever she wants, but I can choose to disobey and she can't do **** about it. I don't have to do what she tells me, I don't have to fight with her. Now I clearly see things for what they are and I don't regret killing the relationship with my mother. The type of behavior her mother shows is downright disrespectful, ignorant, unkind and emotionally abusive. It's NOT ok to treat people like that, it's NOT a way to show love and nobody should accept being treated like a puppet.

You can possibly make her understand just how ridicoulously unfair and unkindly she's being treated, but she's the one who has to decide for herself not to accept it. It's always a bad idea to fight, but it's not a crime to disobey and walk away peacefully. Her mother might try to create hell out of it, but seriously if she does then who's really in the wrong? The one's staying away or the one aggressively chasing?

Note that my mother also has strong convictions, but apparently it's more important than my well being. I happen to strongly disagree with said convictions, but that would have been fine had she not attempted to shove them onto me. One day enough was enough, so I straight up told her to f off and stay the f away from me. Haven't spoken much to her since and I won't do it until she learns to respect my boundaries.

I hope some of what I said is useful, good luck.

It is very helpful, thank you for your perspective.

Well I met with GF for lunch again today and she was visibly distraught. It makes me so angry she is having to go through this. She really wont talk to me about it, only says that it is a difficult situation or her that she is trying to find a solution for. When she is ready to solve it, she will talk to me. She also reassured me that she doesn't plan on going anywhere, and that we will be fine. I told her as long as she can promise me we will be OK, I am ok with stepping back and letting her handle it, but that she should remember that she doesn't have to do these things alone anymore. I can and will help. I offered to arrange to try and meet with her mom privately and talk to her about any hang ups she may have with me. I have no earthly idea what those may be, but im willing to hear them out and address them. She said that wasn't necessary, and we left it at that. Other than the fact I am not some Saudi prince, or a multibillionaire from Dubai, I don't know what her problem is. I make well above average income with a lot of upside, if that is her only concern.

I get the feeling that she is close to basically doing what you did, and telling her mom to move out and go home. I pray she finds that strength, I'm sure its tough. I wish it didn't have to come to that.

January 5, 2016

just remember when you marry her you also marry her family. Just think what's going to happen then.... And when the grand kids come along, mom will be telling her how to raise your kids.

January 5, 2016

This relationship must be less than two months old, since back in November you showed up unannounced at the house of a woman you met on Tinder. I remember I replied to that thread.

When you are a really new bf, the family will not change for you because they don't even know if you'll be around next month. Things may not work out between you anyway.

You really are whirlwind when it comes to relationships. You move fast.

I think you are too new to be having a talk eith the mother and asking her what her issues are.

Why is the father not in the picture? Does she have a brother?

January 5, 2016

just remember when you marry her you also marry her family. Just think what's going to happen then.... And when the grand kids come along, mom will be telling her how to raise your kids.

I considered that. But if this ever progresses to marriage, then its my house and my rules. I will respectfully tell her to go get ****ed...We aren't there yet though, still lots of road to go.

Edited January 5, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

January 5, 2016

This relationship must be less than two months old, since back in November you showed up unannounced at the house of a woman you met on Tinder. I remember I replied to that thread.
When you are a really new bf, the family will not change for you because they don't even know if you'll be around next month. Things may not work out between you anyway.
You really are whirlwind when it comes to relationships. You move fast.
I think you are too new to be having a talk eith the mother and asking her what her issues are.
Why is the father not in the picture? Does she have a brother?

Well, Ill admit I do move fast, I feel like I move at a pace that feels natural between the person and I. They aren't all that way. It would appear though, that most women that I have been dating in their mid 30s are not looking to date long, and looking to settle down quickly. I'm simply trying to match pace and keep up.

GF now has told me that in her culture, you don't date at all, its not part of what they do and actually frowned upon. Typically her family has arranged marriages for the females...crazy I know. Basically they meet, and get married and that's it. I am not saying we are set to get married tomorrow, but the expectation for her and her family is that you don't date. So dating in general has been challenging with her, especially since her mom is in town and been living with her.

We have been seeing each other for just under 2 months, yes. I agree it has ramped up quick, but nothing has felt unnatural and she is just as ramped as I am. We don't see each other every day, but we see each other at least 3 to 5 times a week. We haven't had sex yet, but I'm perfectly OK with that. We have enjoyed getting to know each other.

Her father was abusive and her mothers family dissolved that marriage a long time ago. They don't have any ties to her father anymore. She does not have any brothers, she has one sister.

January 5, 2016

Her mother probably has her own issues with men, not just controlling her daughter. When they bickered about housework, it could be the mother is jealous the daughter has a man and she does not. "Now that the daughter has a man, she is somehow better than them and too good for housework now" - that sort of thing. If the mother was abused, she could be bitter towards all men. Anyway, you won't get any of this out of the mother in a talk. I think the best you can do is give the mother a bit of attention. Bring her a gift or something. In some cultures with arranged marriages, girls marry early. So the mother wouldn't be that old. The daughter is quite old to still be single in some cultures. If she doesn't do something to break free from her mother, she will pass child bearing age. Mother and two daughters will be three old maids living together. The person who needs to act is your gf.

January 6, 2016

GF called me today and asked me if I could please think about sending her mom some flowers to thank her for a nice weekend away this past weekend.

I said absolutely, I had considered it, but I wasn't sure where we all stood now that there is all this tension.

I asked her if she could please at least explain to me if there was something specific her mom didn't like about me, or was it just me in general? She said the following:

I really don't want to talk about things right now...already on overload and need some space to breathe a bit. Please understand that. I promise to let you know when im ready. Theres no easy fix really. Just know im doing my absolute best for things to work as perfect as I can.

I said that I wasn't asking for her to talk about it, I just wanted to know if there was something specific I should do or not do.

She said:

I know its tough for you and you want to process and fix things for me. I don't want you stressing with me either. Its obvious how much you care and its occupying your thoughts...im just trying to cope on my own and be functional during the day. If I keep thinking about it its bringing me down and affecting my mood and productivity at work. You know how emotional I am and quite frankly im trying to keep from melting and tearing up.

So what the hell am I supposed to do? The only thing I can think of doing is to just stop and leave her alone. I just really don't understand why she cant tell me what the hell is going on. What could I have possibly done to make this woman put this much pressure on her? I feel terrible about it. I want to change it. How? Can I? Why the Fck can I not just be in a normal relationship for once...

January 6, 2016

Obviously she isn't looking to you for help, so screw it. Walking away might be the solution for now until she figures this out.

January 6, 2016

Obviously she isn't looking to you for help, so screw it. Walking away might be the solution for now until she figures this out.

I've sent her a text telling her that I wasn't going to bother her at work, but that we needed to talk today, preferably in person.

I intend to let her know that if she intends to have a relationship with me, communication is paramount. We cannot do this, this way. I can give her space, but she chose to be in a relationship with me, a partnership if you will. That requires communications. I don't want this precedent set where we keep secrets or don't share issues. That never ends well, and if that's how she is going to deal with issues, I need to get out now before I fall further in love with this woman.

January 6, 2016

This isn't about the mother. It's about your gf. And, ultimately, it's about you.

Your gf can't "make" her mother change. Your gf can either choose to acquiesce to her mom or to let her mom know that, as an adult (she's 35!!!), she is in charge of her own life.

Similarly, you can't "make" your gf take a particular course of action. All you can do is size up the situation and decide if it's one you want to be in. The notion that it will somehow resolve if you get married is a very unlikely and dangerous one. If your gf has not made her own decision to stand on her two feet, things will only be worse when there are grandkids, not better.

January 8, 2016

So I found out a little about what is going on here, and I have to say, it's pretty ridiculous.

Long story short, when I met her mother a couple of days before we left on our trip, I took her and my gf to dinner and I brought her a small box of chocolate truffles from a boutique chocolate place here. I thought the dinner went great. We chatted, she shared, I shared, etc. She invited me on the weekend trip. Success, or so I thought.

Over the weekend we stayed with their family friends. At the end of our stay I had a nice bouquet of flowers made for our hosts and bought a bottle of wine. Well apparently her mother took offense to the fact that I only gifted her a small box of chocolates, when I'm supposedly serious about her daughter and I got these people a big gift. Her mother also paid for a lot over the weekend, her insistence (she would get angry with me when I tried to pay the bill).

So basically I'm now labeled to have poor character because I didn't get her a better gift I guess. No matter that I paid for dinner that night, 140 dollars, drove them 5hrs, 100+ dollars in gas, let them have my car for a day to run errands (I drive a BMW 528). Somehow I'm not thoughtful enough...

Girlfriend says it is hard for her with the pressure from her mom, but she wants this to work, and that I will eventually win her over. I don't know what to do. I have feelings for this girl, I don't want to walk away over this. Seems ridiculous, and unfair to her and I.

For once I would like to have a normal F*cking relationship! Jesus....

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