alias4255 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Hi all, I'm a 23 y/o male and my 21 y/o GF decided to tell me on New Year's Day that she wants a break--non negotiable. As I don't believe in breaks, I have already put myself in move-on mode, because I'm not waiting just to hear in a month that she enjoyed the time away from me and she's better off without me. I should mention this is my first long term/serious relationship with any real feeling and meaning attached. We've been together for 3 & 1/2 years, and we've had our ups and downs, and have almost gone our separate ways a couple of times, but the vibe around this situation feels a lot different. I mostly know what I must do, but I wanted to post on a forum in order to get some words of encouragement, and basically in order to prevent myself from falling into a rut. The circumstances around these holidays are what make it so difficult to stomach. - My father is an alcoholic and when he started drinking on Christmas Day he hadn't sobered up for over a week, making life at home a living hell. - On New Year's Eve, I started to bleed severely from my nose and ended up in the ER. My GF and I were not spending New Year's together because I had to be at work 5am New Year's morning, but when I texted her that I'm in the ER on New Year's Eve she kind of just brushed it off. In the three days or so leading up to that ER visit she had been very brief and emotionless in her texts--unusually so, I might add. - Needless to say I missed work the following morning, and the situation with my father was only getting worse, so in the afternoon I packed a backpack and a bag of clothes and decided to leave home. Whenever I had problems at home I could always count on my girlfriend and her family and the reverse was true as well. So naturally I called her shortly thereafter, explained the situation--poured my heart out--and SHE TELLS ME SHE NEEDS A BREAK. Later that same day she told me on the phone how spending New Year's with her friends allowed her to "breathe" and not feel "smothered," while I'm over here, basically spending my second consecutive New Year's alone in the hospital, getting a big **** you from everyone around me. Then she says I'm welcome to stay at her place, but only as a friend. There was no warning leading up to the break. I actually made a pretty nice gift basket for her for Christmas, consisting of the things I knew she wanted most, and we had a good time. I'm still in love with this girl and she tells me that I can come sleep on her couch as a friend after she just crushed me. Naturally I didn't go and slept at a buddy's place. All I want to know is: What should I do if she does come back asking to resume the relationship? Am I wrong for being furious at her right now? It's been NC since that phone conversation, and I've deactivated my social media because I can't stand seeing her happy posts, hanging out with friends and enjoying the New Year, while I'm over here starting this one as badly or worse as the last one, while still loving and missing her, though she doesn't seem to care in the least. If there's need to elaborate anything ask away. This was a quick write because I'm about to head out to work. Thanks.
Nickr3023 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Very sorry to hear what you're going through man. The whole "break" thing is usually just a bunch of bull****. Sadly, and I think a lot of people on this forum will agree with me, when someone wants a "break", it's usually because they found someone else and they want to keep you on the back burner in case that doesn't work out. You going NC is the best thing for you. And yeah, you have every right to be pissed off at her. I think you should probably think long and hard if she ever wants to come back. I've been there, waiting around for a woman, and then when she comes back thinking that everything is going to be magical......it rarely is. Things usually end up being the same, and then you usually break up for good. Sounds to me like she's very immature and this is your opportunity to break away from someone that is toxic and will probably only get worse as time goes on.
Been Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 The break thing is not true-she just saying that so she doesn't have to be the bad one and break up. Dont wait around either-that will make you look weak. Just do your own thing and if she wants to get back with you DONT jump at the chance. Ask her why all the sudden she's had a change of heart and THEN you make a decision. 1
Author alias4255 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Thank you for the advice guys. It's like I know what the logical thing to do is, but emotionally I'm suffering a great deal. I made the mistake of peeking at her Instagram yesterday. Not that there was anything concrete there, just that her having a good time with friends while I'm here all alone isn't helping. The brain and the heart are never on the same page for me, and I'm a very emotional person with GAD, which doesn't help at all. Blah.
Nickr3023 Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Thank you for the advice guys. It's like I know what the logical thing to do is, but emotionally I'm suffering a great deal. I made the mistake of peeking at her Instagram yesterday. Not that there was anything concrete there, just that her having a good time with friends while I'm here all alone isn't helping. The brain and the heart are never on the same page for me, and I'm a very emotional person with GAD, which doesn't help at all. Blah. Just like me man, I'm a very right brained person where emotion overwhelms logic. I started counseling and he's starting to give me ways to start looking at things more mindfully and not letting my emotions take over my entire thought process. I would highly recommend talking to someone if you can. It's very beneficial to your emotional well being.
LydiaLong Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Let me tell you. You don't take a 'break' from someone you really care about and see a future with. The break is all about how awkward and painful it is for her to end it, and so she leaves you with a shred of hope, which in reality, will never materialize. 2
Chi townD Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 Dude, it's time to move on. Time to heal. She's not coming back. She's putting more of a value on going out and being with her friends than being in a relationship with you. I also speculate that there is someone else. The reason why she stated that she wanted to "take a break" instead of "breaking up" is because she doesn't know how this new guy is going to pan out. If it doesn't work or he's not interested, then she has you waiting on the sidelines. And that's not fair to you. So, work on the only thing you have control over and that's you! Start making positive changes to your life. 1
Author alias4255 Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 Hi all, I just woke up, it's 6:30am where I am right now. I woke up with debilitating and overwhelming feeling of failure, pain, rejection, and sadness. My chest feels like someone dropped a 5-ton boulder on it. I feel like a piece of trash that has been tossed to the sidewalk, stepped on, and then **** on by a dog. I am posting this because at the moment I cannot focus my mind on anything else and I feel like it'll just continue to get worse. I have a history of anxiety and depression, and although I'm in therapy for over a year now, right at this moment I feel like the breakup has undone any of the progress I have made. I cannot see a way out of this sadness and I know the only way to move forward is the be accepting of these feelings, but I cannot get myself to think the way I should be thinking. I very nearly texted my GF to tell her how I feel because I'm being torn apart. I feel that if I contact her I'll push her further away by being desperate, but if I don't, she'll just think I don't care and I'll lose her all the same. Worst of all, I know logically the thing I should be doing is not even thinking about her ever returning, but I'm just losing my mind here and I am missing her terribly. I just need some comfort. I have no one to confide in and I feel all alone and unloved. I feel like a joke. I feel like she thinks I'm pathetic while she enjoys life. I'm not saying I want to kill myself, but I sure wish I was dead. Devastated.
Jim nine three Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I'm sorry you are going through this man,just know that many of us are going through similar situations in life so stay strong things will turn out for the best in the future! My advice to you? Stay away from this girl,as hard as it is to swallow she's keeping you on the hook in case nothing better comes along (which probably won't).You deserve so much more than that.Once she realizes that you are gone she will probably regret everything she has said to you. I know it's hard but from now on focus on your life and stop giving value to her.You are probably better off without her in the long run! Stay strong!
Chi townD Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Hi all, I just woke up, it's 6:30am where I am right now. I woke up with debilitating and overwhelming feeling of failure, pain, rejection, and sadness. My chest feels like someone dropped a 5-ton boulder on it. I feel like a piece of trash that has been tossed to the sidewalk, stepped on, and then **** on by a dog. I am posting this because at the moment I cannot focus my mind on anything else and I feel like it'll just continue to get worse. I have a history of anxiety and depression, and although I'm in therapy for over a year now, right at this moment I feel like the breakup has undone any of the progress I have made. I cannot see a way out of this sadness and I know the only way to move forward is the be accepting of these feelings, but I cannot get myself to think the way I should be thinking. I very nearly texted my GF to tell her how I feel because I'm being torn apart. I feel that if I contact her I'll push her further away by being desperate, but if I don't, she'll just think I don't care and I'll lose her all the same. Worst of all, I know logically the thing I should be doing is not even thinking about her ever returning, but I'm just losing my mind here and I am missing her terribly. I just need some comfort. I have no one to confide in and I feel all alone and unloved. I feel like a joke. I feel like she thinks I'm pathetic while she enjoys life. I'm not saying I want to kill myself, but I sure wish I was dead. Devastated. Dude, you state that you feel like you'll lose her all the same. Dude, you've already lost her. And it's not what you did or didn't do. She made a choice and unfortunately, it wasn't you. And if you feel like you were making progress, then it wasn't undone. Sure, you got knocked back a few pegs, but your therapist has given you the tools to get through this. That didn't go away. Keep working on YOU! I'm probably mirroring what your therapist is saying or is going to say, you need to find things that are going to make YOU happy. And it's okay to be on your own for a while so you can learn to love yourself again. You have to understand. This JUST happened to you. You are allowed to mourn the loss of her and the relationship. OF COURSE you're going to feel lousy. You're allowed to! But, you need to give yourself time to heal. Then, it's time to get your revenge! The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good and adventurous life! Start making positive changes in your life. GO OUT! DO FUN THINGS!!! Have adventures!!! Go Travel! See that world!!! Do NOT become a hermit or a shut-in! If you allow that to happen, then she won.
Kevin_D Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 Please ignore the trolls here. While you should always try to think rationally, only a pure psychopath would have the ability to that after one weak. Your will feel like crap for a long time. You won't "get over her", and you shouldn't "get over her", because if you really love someone, you don't "get over her". Perhaps never. So don't expect it. Instead, you should consider your ability to love a feature, not a flaw. Be happy that you can feel this way, and that you need someone who can love as strongly as you can. Okay, so let's be honest now. There is someone else and she has probably already slept with him. Why? Because she makes it so abundantly clear that you can only see each other as friends. Because it was so important to announce that you should take a break, even though the timing was really bad. And that's why she seems happy. She's high on dopamine, madly in love and that makes it easy for her to treat you like crap. This is why you want to stick to no contact. Think of her as a cheating whore, ask her friends to delete her from social media, block her everywhere. Act as if she were dead. This is what saved me. Ignorance is bliss. Turn her into a monster in your mind, but don't search for answers.
Chi townD Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 I'll go with Kevin on this one. I agree, don't look for "closure" because you'll never get it. If you wanted to meet up to discuss what happened (and most want to do that) then all it would be is her telling you what YOU did wrong to caused the demise of the relationship. And you don't need to hear that because it isn't the truth. It isn't the REAL reason. All you doing is allowing her the opportunity to justify her actions and drop her guilt on you.
Author alias4255 Posted January 6, 2016 Author Posted January 6, 2016 Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I saw a therapist today and seeing her again Friday because one session wasn't nearly enough for this week. I think this is the worst pain I have felt in my life, but one way or another, I will have to handle it.
lolablue17 Posted January 6, 2016 Posted January 6, 2016 You can make one quick thing that can increase your mood by 20%... Break up with her by text and be vague and a little mysterious. Send her a nice text, wishing her a good start in her new life, and thank her for noticing the huge problem in your mutual relationship before you did, and she's right to notice it, and you feel much better now, good bye. That's how you get some control at least about the timing, and also making her curious about "what do you mean". Never answer her if she calls you to find out what did you mean... It really nothing, just for ego boosting. Activate your accounts, delete her, block her.
Kevin_D Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Send her a nice text, wishing her a good start in her new life, and thank her for noticing the huge problem in your mutual relationship before you did, and she's right to notice it, and you feel much better now, good bye. Terrible advice. Now is not the right time to play games, because she will win. If he does this, she can tell herself that she did the right thing. And since he said that he's feeling better, she brag about how great her new guy is without feeling bad. There will come a day when he has the upper hand. But right now, it's better to stay in the shadows. Disappear. Not giving her a reaction is the best way to take back the power. Writing a message like you suggested, will probably also be dismissed as some weird mind-game.
lolablue17 Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Terrible advice. Now is not the right time to play games, because she will win. If he does this, she can tell herself that she did the right thing. And since he said that he's feeling better, she brag about how great her new guy is without feeling bad. There will come a day when he has the upper hand. But right now, it's better to stay in the shadows. Disappear. Not giving her a reaction is the best way to take back the power. Writing a message like you suggested, will probably also be dismissed as some weird mind-game. You may be right. I did advice him to play games, and maybe it's not for him. But i've sensed that he feels terrible and needs an urgent help. He agreed to the break and didn't say no. Maybe the rest was pointless, but he surely can tell her that he is breaking up with her, and terminating the "break".
Author alias4255 Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 Should I call/text asking for a meeting or at least an explanation of what we are to each other? As hard as I am trying to move on, I truly have no idea what she is doing or planning to do. If this "break" thing really was just a bull **** cover for an actual break up, I need to hear her admit it. Given the fact that she knows I'm struggling big time and has not "checked in" like she said she would, I'm expecting she'll admit it's just a breakup, but not until I confront her about it. Btw, nights and early mornings are the worst. My chest feels like it's imploding. I go to sleep missing her and wake up even worse realizing I'm all by myself now and there is no one there for me to hold in my arms.
Chi townD Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Should I call/text asking for a meeting or at least an explanation of what we are to each other? As hard as I am trying to move on, I truly have no idea what she is doing or planning to do. If this "break" thing really was just a bull **** cover for an actual break up, I need to hear her admit it. Given the fact that she knows I'm struggling big time and has not "checked in" like she said she would, I'm expecting she'll admit it's just a breakup, but not until I confront her about it. Btw, nights and early mornings are the worst. My chest feels like it's imploding. I go to sleep missing her and wake up even worse realizing I'm all by myself now and there is no one there for me to hold in my arms. AANNDD... there's that "closure" monster trying to creep into your brain. Read what I wrote. CLOSURE MEETINGS ARE STUPID!!! Why would you want to sit down and subjugate yourself to her telling you that it was all YOUR fault for the demise of the relationship and making you feel worse than what you felt before you arrived? I would bet my pay check that if you sat down with her, she would take absolutely NO BLAME for the break down of the relationship. And if you happen to point out where she went wrong, she would just turn around and tell you that she only did "whatever" because of something that YOU did. You can't win, dude. Or, she just won't give you clear cut answers. Dances around your questions making you feeling more confused than when you arrived. Dude, don't waste your time. Time that you could have been using to help fix yourself and making positive changes in your life. It's time to heal and move on, dude.
Author alias4255 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 I figured I'd just let you guys know that exactly seven days after she asked for a "break" she made it an official dumping through e-mail. She gave reasons--vague albeit mostly valid--for her decision. I replied in what I would consider a civil and composed manner. I explained that I still love her and will miss her for a long time but also that I need time and space to recover, so I asked for her not to contact me. It's been a struggle, but it's been NC for almost 3 weeks now. As much as I want to have her in my life, if there is no way for us to rekindle our relationship, I don't think I'd ever be able to "just be friends," definitely not for a LONG time. I didn't beg, didn't despair, just had to respect her decision. The crying and despairing had been done (and still is done) in solitude and seclusion of my shower. Although I didn't necessarily like that this was done through an exchange of e-mails, as many of you advised I have forgone the idea of closure. Thanks for all the input on this thread. I will likely be back soon, when my coping attempts go south again. I had a very bad day today and needed to type this out for therapeutic purposes.
Recommended Posts