How to handle this multi-dating conundrum

[maysj18]

I am 25 and just started dating like a normal person after being in a serious relationship for a couple of years and not dating really any time before that. I’ve been going out with multiple people a week, mostly those I’ve met online. No intimacy or anything, just having fun making new friends and possibilities.

 

 

Anyway, one person I’m going out with I met several months ago. We had a great first date but he was graduating around the time we met and had to take boards. We both got busy and fell out of touch. We never went out again but recently got in touch again and have been out 2-3x in the last month or so. We have a wonderful connection; we can talk all day and most dates lasts for several hours, just us talking. He’s a bit older than me (8 years), very settled, financially secure, and is at a point in his life where he wants something serious. That’s fine with me because I’m almost there myself. He’s said that he wants to keep seeing each other because he likes me very much, but he wants to move slowly because he’s always rushed the physical in the past.

 

Well, a week ago I went to his house for the first time and we had a great time. He was an awesome host, great cook, and we watched a movie while cuddling on the couch. I ended up staying over, but he insisted I take the bed while he slept on the couch. That kind of threw me because that has never happened before. He had things to do the next morning so I set my alarm to leave with him, but when I woke up the next morning he had already left! Literally left me alone in his dope house and left me a note explaining how to use his coffee pot, where he kept pots and pans to make breakfast, etc. Told me he didn’t want to wake me and just to leave when I was ready as he wouldn’t be back until late. It was super sweet, but it’s crazy because I have never experienced ANY of this. There’s so much more he’s done that is just a new world to me (paying for EVERYTHING, carrying my food to the table, walking me to my car even if we were parked right beside each other). It may seem like I’ve had low standards this whole time but it’s nothing I’ve ever witnessed in my early 20s. At first, I thought his slow pace and the fact that he hasn’t kissed me yet was him being flakey, but then leaving me alone in his house had me re-thinking that. I’ve asked some friends/family for their thoughts and they think he sounds like he’s just a good guy who is probably very interested.

 

 

So now I’m in a complicated place because of this second guy I’ve been talking to. We met about a month ago when he came to my work for an interview. He had to stay for two days, so I invited him out to tour the city just in case he got the job. We ended up spending like 10 hours together and had a blast. We have kept in contact every day and I have plans to go see him this week. Unfortunately we won’t know if he got the job here until April (it’s a post-grad research fellowship thing), so obviously I’m not getting my hopes up and we’re just having fun. I off-handedly told him about this fancy event in my city that’s coming up that I want to go to and he offered to be my date. So he’s flying down here (5 hour car ride) just to go to that in a couple of weeks. Again, there’s no talk of a relationship at all and our conversations are mostly just bantering, but he says that he loved that day we spent together and wants to see me again. He’s got his **** together and then some. He’s just as impressive on paper as he is in person. We’ve also never had sex and I told him that’s not on the table unless I’m serious about someone. He’s perfectly fine with that and says he does not want to rush to hook up either.

 

 

 

So basically it’s just really ****ing weird that I’ve met two awesome people with major potential. Both are older, settled, independent, etc. While both are still very new (and one may never happen because of distance), I want to remain objective, fair, and respectful. Thanks to social media, I know that the guy here in my city will see pictures from my trip this week. He will also see photos from the upcoming event we’re going to. I am sure both of them are probably hanging out with other people as well, but do I say something beforehand since I know it’s going to be out in the open? I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea or think I’m just playing games. I’ve seen the guy in my city 4x now I believe and it’s so obvious he’s taking his time so that way he can find the real deal; that makes me feel I owe him an explanation so he doesn’t think I’m out sleeping around or am no longer interested.

 

 

 

Anyway, what would you all recommend?

[Toodaloo]

Take it slow and get to know them.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I would just concentrate on continuing to get to know both of them slowly, it's the norm these days to multi-date, my own philosophy when I was dating was that I and the guy were free to date anyone we wished until a discussion was had around exclusivity. My own cut off also was that I didn't get intimate with anyone unless I had decided to pursue them and only them.

 

From the sounds of it, I think the first guy is a better bet simply because there's no way of knowing whether the second guy will even relocate to your area, and there won't be any idea what the outcome will be until April. That's a long time. Might be better to keep talking to both a little while longer but if you get to a point where it comes up, see where it can go with first guy. By April either it'll be going well and you'll be glad you chose him, or it'll have ended and you'll be free to explore things with the second.

 

Bear in mind both these guys are probably both doing the same, too! It's not a conundrum, it's strange to cease all romantic connections to anyone else just because someone shows an interest in you. Plus I've found from my own experiences that far from putting a guy off, it actually increased their pursuit and their determination to nail things down. Think it's the competition.

[Gemma1]

You can temporarily set Facebook so that your in-town guy can't see pics that other people tag you in. I'm just throwing that out there as an option, not necessarily recommending it. I think you should be honest with him about what you're doing ideally, but sometimes it is better to hold off on certain things if you genuinely think he might come to the wrong conclusion. Then you can tell him when you're comfortable.

[WhirlwindGuy]

I had a similar situation and continued to see the two women for a little while so I could assess where I was at.

 

 

I ultimately had to choose one a couple of weeks ago. It was tough, but I feel like I made the right choice.

 

 

I think you have to get to know them better first, before you can make a decision. When you know, you will know. I definitely knew and immediately made the call to the girl I was going to break it off with.

[maysj18]

Thanks everyone but my question more surrounds the etiquette of telling someone you're dating other people even though it's probably "understood". I'm all about taking it slow and keeping things casual as we get to know each other, but I feel I need to put it out on the table that I'm dating other people just to make sure we're on the same page and so there are no surprises. It just doesn't seem fair to make assumptions, especially when it's al going to be put on display. We've been seeing each other regularly and I think it's an important conversation to have, even before exclusivity. I know I would appreciate it.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Thanks everyone but my question more surrounds the etiquette of telling someone you're dating other people even though it's probably "understood". I'm all about taking it slow and keeping things casual as we get to know each other, but I feel I need to put it out on the table that I'm dating other people just to make sure we're on the same page and so there are no surprises. It just doesn't seem fair to make assumptions, especially when it's al going to be put on display. We've been seeing each other regularly and I think it's an important conversation to have, even before exclusivity. I know I would appreciate it.

 

 

 

I asked my current girlfriend if she felt like she was ready to be exclusive with me or not. She replied with, well I assumed we already are. I told her that I assumed we were not, that she was a beautiful woman, so it was easy to assume there were other guys courting her. She said no. So I told her that was great to hear, and I immediately broke it off with the other girl I had been seeing.

[maysj18]

I asked my current girlfriend if she felt like she was ready to be exclusive with me or not. She replied with, well I assumed we already are. I told her that I assumed we were not, that she was a beautiful woman, so it was easy to assume there were other guys courting her. She said no. So I told her that was great to hear, and I immediately broke it off with the other girl I had been seeing.

 

See, that's what I'm worried about. I know we're not ready to be exclusive but he may be nearing the point where he wants to start developing something. I'd rather leave the ball in his court, but I also don't want to ruin anything by staying silent.

 

I am 99% sure that if he said he was only focusing on me or wanted to go that direction, I would let the other one go. That's why I don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin anything by staying silent but I don't want to overshare or be too forward. So frustrating!

[Versacehottie]

Well for starters I wouldn't post on social media or let yourself be tagged. I think you are not ready yet to make a decision and it's fair to give yourself the chance to figure things out--like whirlwind did. That said, social media is not so important that I would feel the need to put all my business on there. It's just not cool to throw it in the other guy's face. Unnecessary. If you guys are having a private talk where you can tell him and explain that you are fine going slow because you want to figure things out and are still dating others, that's good but I wouldn't just throw it up on social media. It's a little cruel IMO. Also gives the impression that you are more serious with the guy that doesn't live in your city than you are. I always think the smartest people leave the romantic stuff off their social media until you are a solid couple and even then are kinda minimal about it (depending on which media).

 

Personally, I would let either of the guys bring it up. If you sense that one or the other is getting more serious and about to ask for exclusivity or ramping things up to where that is presumed then you should speak up first (i don't think you are in this situation yet).

 

Good luck and have fun this weekend!

[NoLeafClover]

You mean to tell me..as a guy who'd be driving 5 hours to go to some even and hangout with you...that sex wouldn't be crossing my mind? And I'm assuming he's sleeping at your place? Lol

Yeaah about that lol

[salparadise]

As a guy who has dated a fair amount I can tell you that if I was feeling highly enthusiastic about someone I had been dating a month or so, and if I found out she was dating someone else at the same time, I'd feel betrayed and probably end it.

 

There is this gray area, from a few weeks to several months, where the rules aren't written on stone tablets, and perhaps because of that you have an opportunity to find out what someone is actually made of. For example, my current girlfriend and I met on a dating site. We didn't take our profiles down immediately, but when I checked I could see that she had not logged in since our third date. Then one day I checked and her profile was gone. She never brought it up- she just did the right thing... her behavior demonstrated to me that she is reliable... not out there playing both ends against the middle.

 

If you are enthusiastic about the guy who is local, my advice would be to stick with him, treat him right and quit seeing the other guy. By the time April rolls around you will know if local guy is a keeper.

 

I am admittedly biased. I see women talking about making sure a guy is invested, etc., as if low investment is a deal breaker. Well, it works both ways. And after a good bit of experience I realize that core disingenuousness shows up in subtle ways very early in the getting-to-know-you phase.

 

This is your opportunity to demonstrate whether you're a woman of integrity or not. Real people do the right thing even when on one is looking.

[Buddhist]

I'd recommend paraphrasing this entire story into about 5 sentences. Seriously the inane details of someone's dating life is really tedious and often doesn't add anything to the context. Sorry I couldn't read past the first paragraph so have no other opinion.