3 years of no contact, am I mad to get in touch?

[MS1903]

Afternoon all. I've been reluctant to post about my last relationship and feel almost embarrassed to get to this stage, but to cut a long story short after 3 years of no contact I was thinking of contacting my ex. A bit about my history first:

 

We met in a club in late 2009 and a month later I asked her out. At that point I was 23 and had been single 4 years and thought I'd nothing to lose. She was just about to turn 19. Things seemed to go well as we go closer but eventually she turned out to be one of the jealous types, and me deciding to go out with friends or staying up late caused huge fall outs. I also got upset when she would rarely stay out late with me (even on a weekend away) but would stay out late with her friends. We had a holiday booked for August 2010 but split up just before it, with me getting hit with a lot of the deposit money that she was going to give me.

 

Onto January 2011, I saw her at a cash machine with her friend and after a brief argument she said she would email me about the money she ran off with. She gave me it back and we got speaking again, then we decided to try again. Just 2 months later she finished me after an argument where my ex girlfriend from 9 years ago had liked some of my posts on Facebook and she got jealous. She said she would meet me in town but I waited forever and she never appeared in the bar despite saying she was there. When she did appear I was so angry and stupidly grabbed her phone and ran out as I knew it would get her attention. I returned but she was outside with the bouncers where she accused me of hitting her friends head and making it bleed (her hand had actually hit her friend on the head when trying to get the phone off of me). The bouncers heard this and straight away took me to the ground, and I ended up in a cell for the night. This was obviously it over for me and I had to get a solicitor to ensure I wasn't going to get charged, despite me doing nothing wrong.

 

After the above incident, she sent me text begging for forgiveness and long emails. I ignored it. A few months later she said she'd been at a gig we were meant to go to and she still missed me. She sent me an 8 page hand written letter. A couple of months after that she even appeared at my parents doorstep apologising for her behaviour. My mum had just told her to leave me alone after the damage caused. During this time I'd been seeing a girl but never could get over my ex, so I stopped seeing the girl. By October time I had responded to one of my ex's older emails. I then got caught up again in speaking with her. We went to a gig a month later and stayed the night. It felt normal and I was happy. So during this time I started seeing her again which would last right the way through to January 2013.

 

During the last year together and almost a year after the first jail cell incident, she promised to meet me on my birthday. After waiting for ages she had not turned up so I went to look for her. When I found her outside she was with friends. She appeared angry at me and I was at her, then her friends got involved and said something about me "hitting" her. I couldn't believe what was said and had to get out, given the situation that happened last year. I walked through the shopping centre we were outside and was so angry, I'd slammed a glass door which ended up smashing as there was no door stop for it. The security in the centre came after me and I was again in a horribly familiar situation that resulted due to a stupid argument. Only this time she tried to grab the guards off of me and one flung her across the room. Police came and she was taken away with me. After a few hours in the cell I was released as they decided what happened was an accident, however she was being charged with assaulting the security guard (which in her defence she didn't do). She was released before me and sat waiting, she was in tears begging my forgiveness again but I walked out and told her this was definitely it. We had a weekend away booked that cost a lot of money, I tried to sell it with no luck and ended up going with her. I was so angry and we hardly spoke but eventually I realised I had to try and pretend nothing happened.

 

We had various other bust ups later that year including when on holiday. A female friend text me asking how we were enjoying the holiday and she totally flipped because this was a girl who used to like me, although I never liked her back. The jealousy was back once again. I supported her when she had to go to court in November, even when she tried to say it was my fault she was going there. She was cleared and I took her out for a meal and drinks. My mum drove us home and said it should be a wake up call for both of us. We still had bust ups and it was getting me down as I loved her so much but couldn't handle the rollercoaster relationship. Before christmas eve I hadn't wrapped her presents as wasn't sure we would last! We got sorted and New Year we went away. Had a small disagreement but then the remaining 4 days went perfect. I said 2013 we need to just be normal as there was no point in fighting if we wanted to be together. A week later at home I wanted to see a film that was just about to finish. She wanted to see a newly released film first and fell out with me over this. We had a bust up and that ended up being the last time I saw her. She dumped me the next day when I went out with my friends.

 

During those weeks we argued over text. She then found she had something wrong with her and needed an operation (nothing major), however I refused to see her unless I could just be alone with her, but she insisted I go when her family was there. I was not wanting to play happy families when she had just finished with me and argued with me for a week. When she got home she stayed at her grans and was well enough to go out, but refused to meet me unless I came to her. Again I still refused until I could see just her so we could speak in private. She eventually called me a piece of **** and at that moment I just realised after what I'd put up with in the last 3 years, I was not taking it. I stubbornly told her to apologise or I was cutting contact. I gave her a few chances but she refused. I made the hardest decision even and decided to stop contact for good.

 

2 weeks after the break up I properly blocked her number etc. She had begged me to get back with her, saying it was a stupid argument, apologised for being stubborn and that I was the only one she ever wanted. Fast forward to July I kind of broke the no contact when I sent a note in a letter about how I felt and that I never wanted this and hoped she was happy. I had to send back a bracelet that apparently meant a lot to her so weakly used this as an excuse. I never got a response. Fast forward to October and I see her for the first time since the breakup in the club we met. She tried to talk to my friends but one of them told her where to go. She then ended up kissing a guy in front of my face whilst totally ignoring me. I couldn't handle it, I ran up to her and asked her why. Her friends came along and told me to go away saying I'd already hurt her (goodness knows what she told her friends). I left the club visibly upset in front of my friends (I'd never done that in my life). I felt so weak and destroyed. The next day honestly felt like a family member had died. It was horrible. After that I used it to continue trying to move on and get back onto the dating scene.

 

I met a girl in late 2013 who I really got on with and was attracted to. We saw each other a few months but I ended up rejecting her as the feeling I got with my ex wasn't there. Luckily we are still friends to this date. From 2014 through to today I've been through around 20 dates, had a few one night stands and rejected the few girls who liked me back again because of my ex. I hit a low point a few months ago where I was so depressed thinking about her and when times were good along with being angry at the times she hurt me. I managed to stop myself contacting her when really close. But here I am today, defeated. I don't know what it will achieve, or what the point is. Deep down in my head I'd hope she have changed, I could forgive her, try and move on front people we may have been with during these 3 years and have a normal relationship. Or am I mad?

 

I have tried very hard to move on in the last 3 years but not to the point of desperation or settling for others. No other person has made me feel like my ex did when it was good. Friends and family I explain this to don't understand and just see the bad points. Just now I don't have any real closure and the uncertainty of being single at almost 30 years of age is getting me down mentally. I have seen recent photos of her and know she is single. If I email her it makes it look like desperation on my part. She is the only girlfriend that years later I still have feelings for her. The previous few I'd have been over in a couple of months.

 

If I do email her, how do I approach it? Or should I try get my head down as difficult as it is and try more dating in the hope I click with someone? If I did email her, my worry would be not getting the response I'd have hoped. I know if she is still as stubborn, she will see it as me leaving her by blocking contact. If we did speak and ended up back together, what if the jealousy all came back, I'd have taken a huge step backwards. And if it did work out, how would I tell my family as they would freak out? I guess I need some pros and cons or maybe someone to slap me very hard!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it feels better to get a lot of this out of my system. Hope you don't think I'm too crazy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good lord, you'd be a fool to contact her again. You two are toxic together. You don't work.

 

Time to really let go and move on. Go full No Contact, which includes no social media peeks. Ask yourself why you apparently thrive on this level of drama. It's incredibly unhealthy, OP. Your future self will thank you for not going back to that, I promise!

[CollegeKid101]

Afternoon all. I've been reluctant to post about my last relationship and feel almost embarrassed to get to this stage, but to cut a long story short after 3 years of no contact I was thinking of contacting my ex. A bit about my history first:

 

We met in a club in late 2009 and a month later I asked her out. At that point I was 23 and had been single 4 years and thought I'd nothing to lose. She was just about to turn 19. Things seemed to go well as we go closer but eventually she turned out to be one of the jealous types, and me deciding to go out with friends or staying up late caused huge fall outs. I also got upset when she would rarely stay out late with me (even on a weekend away) but would stay out late with her friends. We had a holiday booked for August 2010 but split up just before it, with me getting hit with a lot of the deposit money that she was going to give me.

 

Onto January 2011, I saw her at a cash machine with her friend and after a brief argument she said she would email me about the money she ran off with. She gave me it back and we got speaking again, then we decided to try again. Just 2 months later she finished me after an argument where my ex girlfriend from 9 years ago had liked some of my posts on Facebook and she got jealous. She said she would meet me in town but I waited forever and she never appeared in the bar despite saying she was there. When she did appear I was so angry and stupidly grabbed her phone and ran out as I knew it would get her attention. I returned but she was outside with the bouncers where she accused me of hitting her friends head and making it bleed (her hand had actually hit her friend on the head when trying to get the phone off of me). The bouncers heard this and straight away took me to the ground, and I ended up in a cell for the night. This was obviously it over for me and I had to get a solicitor to ensure I wasn't going to get charged, despite me doing nothing wrong.

 

After the above incident, she sent me text begging for forgiveness and long emails. I ignored it. A few months later she said she'd been at a gig we were meant to go to and she still missed me. She sent me an 8 page hand written letter. A couple of months after that she even appeared at my parents doorstep apologising for her behaviour. My mum had just told her to leave me alone after the damage caused. During this time I'd been seeing a girl but never could get over my ex, so I stopped seeing the girl. By October time I had responded to one of my ex's older emails. I then got caught up again in speaking with her. We went to a gig a month later and stayed the night. It felt normal and I was happy. So during this time I started seeing her again which would last right the way through to January 2013.

 

During the last year together and almost a year after the first jail cell incident, she promised to meet me on my birthday. After waiting for ages she had not turned up so I went to look for her. When I found her outside she was with friends. She appeared angry at me and I was at her, then her friends got involved and said something about me "hitting" her. I couldn't believe what was said and had to get out, given the situation that happened last year. I walked through the shopping centre we were outside and was so angry, I'd slammed a glass door which ended up smashing as there was no door stop for it. The security in the centre came after me and I was again in a horribly familiar situation that resulted due to a stupid argument. Only this time she tried to grab the guards off of me and one flung her across the room. Police came and she was taken away with me. After a few hours in the cell I was released as they decided what happened was an accident, however she was being charged with assaulting the security guard (which in her defence she didn't do). She was released before me and sat waiting, she was in tears begging my forgiveness again but I walked out and told her this was definitely it. We had a weekend away booked that cost a lot of money, I tried to sell it with no luck and ended up going with her. I was so angry and we hardly spoke but eventually I realised I had to try and pretend nothing happened.

 

We had various other bust ups later that year including when on holiday. A female friend text me asking how we were enjoying the holiday and she totally flipped because this was a girl who used to like me, although I never liked her back. The jealousy was back once again. I supported her when she had to go to court in November, even when she tried to say it was my fault she was going there. She was cleared and I took her out for a meal and drinks. My mum drove us home and said it should be a wake up call for both of us. We still had bust ups and it was getting me down as I loved her so much but couldn't handle the rollercoaster relationship. Before christmas eve I hadn't wrapped her presents as wasn't sure we would last! We got sorted and New Year we went away. Had a small disagreement but then the remaining 4 days went perfect. I said 2013 we need to just be normal as there was no point in fighting if we wanted to be together. A week later at home I wanted to see a film that was just about to finish. She wanted to see a newly released film first and fell out with me over this. We had a bust up and that ended up being the last time I saw her. She dumped me the next day when I went out with my friends.

 

During those weeks we argued over text. She then found she had something wrong with her and needed an operation (nothing major), however I refused to see her unless I could just be alone with her, but she insisted I go when her family was there. I was not wanting to play happy families when she had just finished with me and argued with me for a week. When she got home she stayed at her grans and was well enough to go out, but refused to meet me unless I came to her. Again I still refused until I could see just her so we could speak in private. She eventually called me a piece of **** and at that moment I just realised after what I'd put up with in the last 3 years, I was not taking it. I stubbornly told her to apologise or I was cutting contact. I gave her a few chances but she refused. I made the hardest decision even and decided to stop contact for good.

 

2 weeks after the break up I properly blocked her number etc. She had begged me to get back with her, saying it was a stupid argument, apologised for being stubborn and that I was the only one she ever wanted. Fast forward to July I kind of broke the no contact when I sent a note in a letter about how I felt and that I never wanted this and hoped she was happy. I had to send back a bracelet that apparently meant a lot to her so weakly used this as an excuse. I never got a response. Fast forward to October and I see her for the first time since the breakup in the club we met. She tried to talk to my friends but one of them told her where to go. She then ended up kissing a guy in front of my face whilst totally ignoring me. I couldn't handle it, I ran up to her and asked her why. Her friends came along and told me to go away saying I'd already hurt her (goodness knows what she told her friends). I left the club visibly upset in front of my friends (I'd never done that in my life). I felt so weak and destroyed. The next day honestly felt like a family member had died. It was horrible. After that I used it to continue trying to move on and get back onto the dating scene.

 

I met a girl in late 2013 who I really got on with and was attracted to. We saw each other a few months but I ended up rejecting her as the feeling I got with my ex wasn't there. Luckily we are still friends to this date. From 2014 through to today I've been through around 20 dates, had a few one night stands and rejected the few girls who liked me back again because of my ex. I hit a low point a few months ago where I was so depressed thinking about her and when times were good along with being angry at the times she hurt me. I managed to stop myself contacting her when really close. But here I am today, defeated. I don't know what it will achieve, or what the point is. Deep down in my head I'd hope she have changed, I could forgive her, try and move on front people we may have been with during these 3 years and have a normal relationship. Or am I mad?

 

I have tried very hard to move on in the last 3 years but not to the point of desperation or settling for others. No other person has made me feel like my ex did when it was good. Friends and family I explain this to don't understand and just see the bad points. Just now I don't have any real closure and the uncertainty of being single at almost 30 years of age is getting me down mentally. I have seen recent photos of her and know she is single. If I email her it makes it look like desperation on my part. She is the only girlfriend that years later I still have feelings for her. The previous few I'd have been over in a couple of months.

 

If I do email her, how do I approach it? Or should I try get my head down as difficult as it is and try more dating in the hope I click with someone? If I did email her, my worry would be not getting the response I'd have hoped. I know if she is still as stubborn, she will see it as me leaving her by blocking contact. If we did speak and ended up back together, what if the jealousy all came back, I'd have taken a huge step backwards. And if it did work out, how would I tell my family as they would freak out? I guess I need some pros and cons or maybe someone to slap me very hard!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it feels better to get a lot of this out of my system. Hope you don't think I'm too crazy.

 

Well, wow! You two sure have a lot of history. I dated a girl for 2 years who hurt me real bad and chased me for a long time, but I just could not forgive her. She contacted me a few months ago for the first time in 2 years and I was happy to hear from her, because like you, I never fully was over her. We ended up seeing each other and she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him with me, I know I know, I'm a scum bag for that. She told me how she wants to marry me and everything and then would not break up with her current bf. I was never asking her to be with me or anything, but I realized she'll never change her ways.

 

I think you should forget about her and move on. There seems to be a lot of baggage and you two don't seem compatible. I finally cut off my ex and asked her to please leave me alone. Haven't heard from her since.

 

You two tried a lot it seems like, I think you just haven't met the right person yet! Good luck!

[MS1903]

What annoyed me is I'm not interested in drama but would always get drawn to it with her. That's why I eventually had to stop putting myself through it. I have no idea why I can't get over her or the relationship, I guess this is what I need help with if I'm to continue to avoid her