magicallydelicious Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I dated a man about a year and a half ago for a few months, and he ended up breaking things off with me seemingly out of the blue. Since that time, he has contacted me a few times and expressed that he freaked out and really wants to give us another try. This time he's being pretty persistent, but I've voiced the concern that he disappointed me before. He's told me that he's at a much better spot in his life (he's graduated, got a stable job, and has been through therapy), which on the surface, it looks like he has made positive changes, but I'm still hesitant. He's told me to at least give him a chance and to see for myself that he is different, but I'm not typically one to give second chances. Does anyone have experience with this where it's worked out? Or should I just ignore him and go on with my life?
soph-walker Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) Did he say why he freaked out? It sounds like you're thinking of getting back with him, if you think you would be OK to proceed with caution then I would talk it through with him some more and then decide accordingly. People can change, however, I would secretly wonder if he would 'freak out' again later on down the line. Best of luck! Edited January 4, 2016 by soph-walker Spelling error 1
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Since he made improvements -- graduating, getting a job & getting therapy, if you like him I'd go on another date with him. See how that goes before committing to a relationship 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Personally, I wouldn't. I have too much pride I think to go back for seconds from someone who already decided once they didn't want to be with me any longer. It'd be too hard to let go of the memory too and for it to be on equal footing, I'd probably be on the back foot for far too long waiting for it to be happen again. However, you're clearly considering it or you wouldn't be asking here, you must think there's some chance of it working, or that you like him enough to take that chance. So why not just go on a date, put your curiosity at ease? 1
Mrin Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 FWIW I never give second chances. Ever. I do that for 2 reasons: 1) vindictiveness (being really honest here) and 2) I just know I'll never feel the same way about them and will never be "all in". But both of these are just me. If you don't have those issues and can honestly give it a second go, then by all means, give him 1 date. Now - if you do decide to give him a chance, one of the things you can do to make the second time better than the first is to tell him that this time around you want to have all of the cards on the table, face up, all of the time. Full transparency. If he can't agree, then politely pass. If he agrees to this full transparency, you might find yourself making something unique - the second time around. Best of luck! Mrin 1
Toodaloo Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Every time I have tried to go back it hasn't worked. Sometimes things end for a reason. A sane chap would have just taken it steady and worked his way through. Your choice. Your life. Be careful with it. 1
katiegrl Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 If it were me, I would ask him (1) why he *freaked out* and ended it suddenly without talking with you about it first, and (2) what has changed that convinces him he will not freak out again." If he has commitment issues that prevent him from moving closer without freaking out ....you need to be made aware of that. I applaud him for being in therapy ...but remember, it is easy for him to miss you and even believe he loves you .....when the *pressure* and *expectations* of a relationship are not there "freaking him out." These situations are not all that uncommon ...and unfortunately it is quite typical that once this same guy who has told you he misses you, has changed and wants a second chance....will, once again, freak out once you get back together and those same expectations and pressures of a relationship surface once again. 2
Saracena Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 How old was he then and how exactly did he end it? If he ghosted, for example, then I would never consider a second chance. How soon afterwards did he contact you?
andie1969 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I've posted before about my situation. I met a guy online, started dating and hit it off right away, got along great. After dating maybe 2 months he also "freaked out" and said he didn't think we were in the same place. Ok then, I moved on and dated a few other guys, nothing serious though. After almost 2 months of no contact I get a text out of the blue telling me he's made a mistake, etc. and missed me. Funny thing, I was actually out on a date with another guy when I got that text. I let it sit for a few days then messaged him back. After a week of communication I cautiously agreed to meet with him again. That was 8 months ago and we've been together since and planning on moving in together this summer. Now, he did apologize and explained why he freaked out and has been very open with communication ever since. So, as long as you don't think this guy is just looking for a familiar booty call, then yeah, at least meet up and see where it goes. 1
shac Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 No, I've would't! Why? Because I think few montnths is really enought time to get to know someone and be clear about what you want from that person. I'd never be someone's second choice just because he wanted to date other girls in between when he "freaked out". While he was having fun exploring other girls, you probably felt a bit heart broken and down. Maybe I sound cotradictory now, but I'd rather give a second chance to a guy who freaked out on me in 3 weeks while being hooked on his ex and then shagged another girls and came back to me emotionaly fit, then a guy who freaked out on me being single, emotionaly avaliable and stringling me along for months. If you can settle to be someone's second choice go for it! I wouldn't, no matter how perfect it will be and can work out this time. The reality is that it would always bug me why he wasn't sure before. Things in life are pretty simple, so are men! If they want you and take you seriously and respect you since the begining and care about your emotions they simply don't freak out and they don't vanish! They are there for you because they know they want to date you and continously date just you from the begining. They set other girls go and are only focused on you. 1
shac Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 P.S. Seriously, don't be someone's 2nd choice, you deserve to be someone's 1st choice. Just because a guy got bored and dated other women in brtween and didn't work out. Or he had a serious relationship of year and a half since you lost contact and is now again emotionaly unavaliable. So he texted you because he got bored and needs ego boost. Maybe he went down on his phonebook and texted couple other girls too, but you are his favorite because you made him feel good, but he blew you off. Now he wants to feel good again, so he wants to feel wanted again. For me that is low. I could understand if he texted you after a month. But more then a month, actually year and a half? It's a good indicator you are not his first choice. And how could you trust a guy like that? Who just goes out of the blue and thinks you are totally into him all this time and you have no life? It's a bit disrespectful too. Other thing, what would happen if he tells you in 3 weeks that he wants to be serious with you? Whats your gurantee he would not freak out again, or even worse? When things go really serious. I can't trust man like that and who don't know what they want in life. Relationship is based on trust and respect. I don't see any of these because of the fact that year and a half passed by and he is like so sure you will take him back and date him again. Be someone's first choice, not 2nd or 3rd ot 5th
Author magicallydelicious Posted January 5, 2016 Author Posted January 5, 2016 Thanks for the help, guys. To clarify, he has talked to me about 4-5 times prior to this one. The first time was about two months later, when he told me that he really liked me and got scared because of previous relationship situations and shut things down. he didn't ghost on me, he politely told me that he enjoyed the time we spent together, but things weren't working out. alas, i did ask him what has changed that makes him think he wouldn't get scared again and his reply was: "Well, that's a very long and unpleasant story that I'd rather tell in person, but is this something you would need to hear before meeting in person?" To which I said "I would feel more comfortable knowing before, but I'm not going to make you tell me" That was about 6 hours ago and he hasn't responded, so it looks like the situation may have sorted itself out.
shac Posted January 5, 2016 Posted January 5, 2016 I don't know. Sorry, but I really wouldn't be with a guy who said it's not working out. Then he tells me you need to hear the story and why? I mean people always have problems. People quit colleges, loose their jobs, went bankrupt. But that doesn't mean you should stop dating someone you liked for a few months all of the sudden. Whatever exuse he has... would you be with a guy who bails out when hard time gets him once again in life? Or you want to waste your time, emotions and energy onto someone who is a positive person and finds some kind of safte zone in you and a real partner to lean on with a honest comunication? Bailing out with out telling real resons is the same as being a liar. Relationships are based on trust, not weak and coward people
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