deepinthewoods Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 So, what do you guys think about breaks vs. break ups? I posted a while ago about my entire situation in a post called "Death of passion" if you want the background, but basically my relationship suffered a slow, painful decline in intimacy, connection, and sex over a few years, which caused major problems for me, my partner not so much. We had talked about an open relationship, but hadn't agreed on anything, and I ended up meeting a fairly amazing woman who I've had a crush on for the past six months. I told my partner about her and she was understandably upset, and recently broke up with me and moved out because I wasn't willing or able to let go of this other woman (nothing has happened between us, except for expressions of mutual admiration). Now I am faced with the impossible dilemma of what to do now. My (ex) partner and I have talked about figuring things out between us (we have a year old daughter), but are both unsure if it will work. She has signed a six month lease in a new home, so we are living apart for at least that long. Sex and intimacy seem very far from possible at this point, she is still pretty angry about this other woman, though it was pretty much impossible before the other woman anyways (sex maybe every two weeks and usually only after fighting about it). So am I expected to just be celibate on the chance that she will warm up to me again sometime in the future, who knows when? Would it be completely douchey to connect with with the other woman whom I have had such a crush on? The other woman feels fairly meaningful to me, and I imagine what it would be like to dive into a relationship, of some sort, with her. My feelings for my partner have faded considerably, due to hundreds of rejections over the past three years, so I feel like the ball is in her court to decide if she is going to be a partner to me, rather than a roommate. I really love her person, but the way she relates to me is pretty hard to live with. We are still talking, but both at a loss as to where we are at or what to do. Communications are strained and difficult, while I always feel better after communicating with the other woman (obviously), and I'm sure I will have opportunities to deepen the relationship sometime soon. I'm afraid if I wait too long that she will get tired of waiting and get scooped up by someone else, while I wallow in indecision and sensitivity to my ex. So, if this is just a break from my partner, should there be sex or intimacy with other people during the break? During how long a break should someone be expected to be single and celibate? I am quite sure it would be very hurtful to her if I did hook up with the other woman, but how long should I wait before moving on with my life. I've basically been sexually frustrated for the past three years, and it's pretty tough to sit tight and be celibate in the hopes that she will take me back, and we can have what kind of relationship? I do love her and don't want to hurt her, but I want to be fulfilled too. To have a beautiful willing person waiting for me, is it just temptation to be resisted, or a gift offering me fulfillment???
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Breaks belong in middle school. You have a kid. Either work with your partner to fix the relationship & be happy family or separate & work out the co-parenting & child support. Living apart & having sex with other people is not productive unless you have picked fully separate. Doing those things will never fix your relationship with the child's mother.
Author deepinthewoods Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Yea d0nnivain, I hear you. I guess the issue is that I am at a loss for how to proceed with the relationship. I've done everything to be as good partner as I could be, and it hasn't made her happy, affectionate, or loving towards me. So I began to detach, to protect myself, and not put myself out any more if I wasn't going to be received. Any efforts I've made in terms of relationship stuff seem to get sucked into a black hole, and nothing comes back out. She's been mad at me for being discontent, and now extra mad that I've began a friendship with someone else. I would love to continue a relationship with her, but something more than co-parenting roommates. I guess it's the waiting game for now, but like I said, I don't want to pass up a really sweet connection that might actually be possible while I wait for something I already know about that might never get better... Thanks for the reply. It seems like I have to choose one or the other, don't I?
Recommended Posts