Weird situation...I think

[4blossoms]

This situation raises giant red flags:

 

1) you're married! Separated or not, the diverse is ahead and you can get into trouble if you end in a complicated situation (eg your wife overreacting after seeing you with a pregnant woman...)

2) she's not pregnant! She wants to be, but at 37, insemination may or may not work. So you're putting the horse before the cart

3) she shares her intent for pregnancy on date 1!!! I'd be thinking the only reason to do that is to make you offer to be the father. The rest of the things she said is fluff to mask the situation imo Another thing that crossed my mind - can it be that she's pregnant already from someone else, and wants to make it sound like it happened after you guys met, and from a donor? Yeah, she'll have to give birth "early" but life happens, right ..

4) you're rebounding - just see the things you focus on in this woman - dresses cute, cooks amazingly - I bet your wife was the opposite, right?

 

Nothing in this storysoundsnormal, sorry... wish you both well...

 

I think this point of view assumes OP's girlfriend is an underhanded or malicious person. I think only OP can determine that.

[4blossoms]

I understand you want a kid, but what you wrote is a bit alarming. Get pregnant for free... if he's decent, I don't mind him seeing the child...

 

I question if you should have a kid. It sounds like you want one so bad and not seeing the big picture as you're putting the kid second to your wants and needs - the kid's should be first.

 

Well, I think I can offer a lot to a child. I was lucky enough to have a good education and now a good career. I have loving parents and an aunt who all live nearby and tell me they want to help raise a child if I go the invitro route. I have travelled abroad extensively, speak 4 languages, am socially and financially responsible, and believe in raising a good, contributing member of society. I know that nothing that I have achieved was done by myself and that my country and society had supported me every step of the way and therefore, giving back to society is very important to me. I would like to pass these values to my child(ren), so I think I have a lot to offer a child.

Edited December 20, 2015 by 4blossoms

[No_Go]

All I was saying they BOTH may have issues, see 1)

 

I think this point of view assumes OP's girlfriend is an underhanded or malicious person. I think only OP can determine that.

[Radarsat]

All I was saying they BOTH may have issues, see 1)

 

Don't we all my friend? I'm going to just take this day by day. Yes, there are major questions to be be answered. But she's no stupid lady and I'm no stupid man. She has no expectations for me to be financially obligated or connected to this child, but she is open to me being a part of it if we are together and i'm interested. I like her and as I said, day by day now. I realize it may sound like a Sandra Bullock movie plot to some, but it could end up being a wonderful story. Thanks for the support from everyone. I'll keep you all informed.

[SugarLips72]

at 37 the bio clock is ricking loudly. I dont blame her for wanting a baby and if I were her I wouldnt delay either. If you are ok with it just date and see what happens. You have 2 children so you know being a parent is a privilege. Good luck things sometimes have a funny way of working out.

[Radarsat]

at 37 the bio clock is ricking loudly. I dont blame her for wanting a baby and if I were her I wouldnt delay either. If you are ok with it just date and see what happens. You have 2 children so you know being a parent is a privilege. Good luck things sometimes have a funny way of working out.

 

My thoughts exactly. We had a chat 2 nights about it. We we're both really shocked at how well we were connecting. Especially her given that she said she is normally way more guarded than this and she's amazed at how much she has shared with me already. But at same time, she's telling her self to slow down too. We really want to do this right and simply enjoy each day we have together. Time will tell. Thanks.

[GunslingerRoland]

Just make sure to take it as slowly as you would if this wasn't the situation. Don't let either of you get caught up in the "situation" and fast track along things that shouldn't be.

[No Limit]

Making baby plans is not "taking it slow" as she put it.

And you should really get divorced before you father more children of your own, otherwise the situation will explode real quick.

[sandylee1]

I've just read the first page and was suprised at the negative responses. I think it's really nice of you.. your smitten.

 

Whoever said he should tell her to wait. . Why ? What right has he to do that. Her bio clock is ticking and she's getting a move on.

 

I hope all goes well.

 

Now I'll read the remaining 5 pages.

[Radarsat]

Making baby plans is not "taking it slow" as she put it.

And you should really get divorced before you father more children of your own, otherwise the situation will explode real quick.

 

I hear what your saying and my ex and I are proceeding with the divorce route. But I gotta ask? Are you American by any chance? Things are a bit different up here in Canada I believe. I will never lose my right to the children, I will always have 50% of the state (house, property, etc.).This is of course due to the circumstances of us separating. Both of us are aware of each other dating now too. We are both very amicable. But maybe your referring to something else?

[introverted1]

Artificial insemination (AI) is not the same as in-vitro fertilization (IVF). There seems to be a lot of confusion about these terms in this thread.

 

OP - go for it. She's got a plan into which you will either fit... or not. Sounds like you both have realistic attitudes about the situation.

[Radarsat]

Artificial insemination (AI) is not the same as in-vitro fertilization (IVF). There seems to be a lot of confusion about these terms in this thread.

 

OP - go for it. She's got a plan into which you will either fit... or not. Sounds like you both have realistic attitudes about the situation.

 

I get confused on the terminology as well. All I know is she has an anoymous donor from the States (never met him nor ever will). She begins the 'process' sometime in mid-late January.

 

Thanks for your suppport. I realize this relationship is highly unorthodox compared to most, but I really like her a lot. She's so mature and intelligent, and I find that to be a consistent thing I look for. Again though....one day at a time. Lol.

[4blossoms]

I get confused on the terminology as well. All I know is she has an anoymous donor from the States (never met him nor ever will). She begins the 'process' sometime in mid-late January.

 

Thanks for your suppport. I realize this relationship is highly unorthodox compared to most, but I really like her a lot. She's so mature and intelligent, and I find that to be a consistent thing I look for. Again though....one day at a time. Lol.

 

OP, I read that if the two of you get a doctor involved, you provide specimen, and the doctor gives your girlfriend a "turkey baster" (sorry, don't know the technical term!), the doctor can vouch that you are just a donor and not a "father". Even if the two of you have sex, as long as she was given the artificial insemination kit from the doctor, she can never claim money from you unless you two marry. Should anything bad ever happen (say, she tries to make you pay child support), the courts will not honor this claim.

 

Some women have babies from gay male friends this way and it is ridiculous to make a gay male couple pay for a woman's child when a gay man was just a donor and trying to help out a friend. Consult with a lawyer first and determine if you can trust your new gf. If yes, then you'll help give your gf the gift of a child.

 

This thread was informative: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/45874.page

Edited December 27, 2015 by 4blossoms

[Radarsat]

Okay,

 

So I've been seeing this girl since early December. Things have been progressing really well. We've spent a lot of time together over the holidays. Only possible red flag I can think of was when it came up on how sexually inexperienced I was (she is only my 4th partner ever). She said, "OMG, you need to date more! Just don't tell me about it or throw it in my face, but yeah, you need to get out and get laid". She was quite tipsy keeping this is mind. I was a little bit taken a back, but though, okay, we're both drunk. She reiterated that she's not dating others and doesn't date more than one at a time.

 

I've seen her 3-4 times since that conversation and we've had lots of sex. Spent good times together. She invited me to her family's place for lunch. Met her family. Tells me later her family loves me and says I'm perfect for her.

 

Last night was a little more strange for me. For one, she normally would text me at some point in the morning and I never heard from her at all. I eventually texted her in the late afternoon and she texted me about an hour later. Very unlike her and I've dealt with girls prior (see my older threads) who have done this and it's not been good. She eventually asks me are we still doing something that evening. I was happy to hear that, and We get together and we talked about each other's day. She goes on to tell me that she ended up going to the movies that day with a guy she was previously seeing (he was the one who called it off) with his daugther AND his own mother. She told me previously that she got quite attached to this guys daughter and it was hard for her when he broke it off. SHe felt like she was dating the little girl more! She told me the movie was great and she sat next to the little girl and they had a good time. The little girl apparently asked her if they would do this again and she agreed with her. The guy she had been dating also apparently made reference to "our bar" to her when they were walking to the theatre, and the bar had recently shut down. The girl I'm seeing said, "How appropriate" in comparing their relationship shutting down also. The guys's mother who again was also there apparently burst into laughter.

 

I guess I'm wondering?....WTF? Should I be concerned here? I know she wasn't looking for anything serious at first? But we certainly have acknowledged that we feel something and she said she wasn't dating anyone else? Am I being over jealous? Is it odd at all for her to be hanging out with this guy and his daughter?

[ExpatInItaly]

Ouch. She's just made it clear that you are not the only guy she's seeing despite her claiming she's not dating anyone else. Her going to a movie with this guy, his daughter and his mom is not just a friendly hangout. She's obviously keeping her options open, OP.

 

If you were looking for something more committed with her, I think you're probably wasting your time. I wouldn't dream of hanging out with a guy I'd dated in the past if I were interested in developing a relationship with a new guy. Sorry.

[Toodaloo]

She knows she needs to move on from last guy but she hasn't.

 

She went quiet because he was messing with her head by taking her out like that.

 

I think you need to talk to her. Reiterate that you want to be exclusive and if she wants to date others that is perfectly OK but she will not be continuing to date you at the same time.

 

Say it mean it and stick up for yourself.

[CarrieT]

You've only been dating a month but is it time for the "Exclusive Talk?"

 

If you haven't - or don't think it is time for that - than her going out with others shouldn't be a big deal.

 

And the fact that she was open and honest with you about who she was out with is a point in your favor.

 

She isn't lying or cheating and the relationship is too new for you to be so concerned about it.

[Samhain]

Telling you that she isn't currently dating anybody else isn't the same as telling you that you are an exclusive couple and that she never will be dating anybody else while you are together.

 

In fact she's been pretty honest with you. She made a comment early on indicating that she'd have no problem with you sleeping with other women. So you can take from that, that she'd have no problem sleeping with other guys should she want to either.

 

She was attached to this guy and is currently emotionally unavailable. She's having a Friends With Benefits relationship with you. If you want more out of it, you will end up very disappointed.

[Fleur de cactus]

She encouraged you to date more and date other women because she is with you while looking for opportunities to go back to the other guy or find someone else. There is no future together with her. I would talk to her . If you are interested in finding a long term relationship she is not the one, keep dating and find someone else . Good luck.

[salparadise]

...she said she wasn't dating anyone else? Am I being over jealous? Is it odd at all for her to be hanging out with this guy and his daughter?

 

 

Perhaps she wasn't at the time. Overly jealous- not at all. Odd for her to be xyz with her previous boyfriend? Not if she's wanting to get back with him. You said that he was the one who called it off, so maybe she has been waiting and hoping.

 

If you're smart you'll not allow yourself to get invested, at least not until you know whether she's going to bail on you for the ex if she gets the chance. Even if she swears she wouldn't, you just don't know. Ex drama is really no fun for the new guy- a complete waste of your time and emotion.

 

You can't really tell her not to see the guy. All you can do is refuse to become entangled. He may hold some power over her such that she'll go running back every chance she gets... but when he doesn't want her around, you're her fallback guy. Be smarter than that. Do it on your terms or not at all.

[kendahke]

I know she wasn't looking for anything serious at first?

 

Keep remembering this. She most likely still isn't looking for anything serious if she spent time with her ex, his child and his mother. If she's agreed to do things with the child, then chances are, she is giving her ex consideration and he's given her reason to be comfortable saying she'll do things with the child.

 

When my own babygirl was little, I wouldn't have let her go off anywhere with an ex--other than her father--to do anything.

[No_Go]

Ok, she told you she's not looking for anything serious (then 'changed her mind' let me guess - when you're about to treat her with expensive meal ), she's encouraging you to sleep around ?!, she's DATING her 'ex' (yeah, for his daughter... I feel tempted to go further but I think there is no need - you're aware you're setting yourself up for disaster but not ready to admit it.

 

Okay,

 

So I've been seeing this girl since early December. Things have been progressing really well. We've spent a lot of time together over the holidays. Only possible red flag I can think of was when it came up on how sexually inexperienced I was (she is only my 4th partner ever). She said, "OMG, you need to date more! Just don't tell me about it or throw it in my face, but yeah, you need to get out and get laid". She was quite tipsy keeping this is mind. I was a little bit taken a back, but though, okay, we're both drunk. She reiterated that she's not dating others and doesn't date more than one at a time.

 

I've seen her 3-4 times since that conversation and we've had lots of sex. Spent good times together. She invited me to her family's place for lunch. Met her family. Tells me later her family loves me and says I'm perfect for her.

 

Last night was a little more strange for me. For one, she normally would text me at some point in the morning and I never heard from her at all. I eventually texted her in the late afternoon and she texted me about an hour later. Very unlike her and I've dealt with girls prior (see my older threads) who have done this and it's not been good. She eventually asks me are we still doing something that evening. I was happy to hear that, and We get together and we talked about each other's day. She goes on to tell me that she ended up going to the movies that day with a guy she was previously seeing (he was the one who called it off) with his daugther AND his own mother. She told me previously that she got quite attached to this guys daughter and it was hard for her when he broke it off. SHe felt like she was dating the little girl more! She told me the movie was great and she sat next to the little girl and they had a good time. The little girl apparently asked her if they would do this again and she agreed with her. The guy she had been dating also apparently made reference to "our bar" to her when they were walking to the theatre, and the bar had recently shut down. The girl I'm seeing said, "How appropriate" in comparing their relationship shutting down also. The guys's mother who again was also there apparently burst into laughter.

 

I guess I'm wondering?....WTF? Should I be concerned here? I know she wasn't looking for anything serious at first? But we certainly have acknowledged that we feel something and she said she wasn't dating anyone else? Am I being over jealous? Is it odd at all for her to be hanging out with this guy and his daughter?

Edited January 6, 2016 by No_Go

[Radarsat]

So, I confronted her on the issue....via txting. I know...horrible way of doing it, but I wasn't going to see her for a while and I needed to get it off my chest. She actually said, "it's tough for me to be open so txting was a good move. lol".

 

Anyway, I basically said the following two days ago....and I'm paraphrasing a bit:

 

 

- I know we were drinking, but did you really want me to date others?

- Want you to know that I'm not and have no desire to do so, but it surprised me when you suggested it.

- I realize you're not looking for a relationship and I'm probably over thinking it, but I want you to know I'm not dating others but it doesn't preclude you from doing so.

 

Then she said:

- Understand where your coming from. You make me feel great when we're together. I feel funny, sexy and intelligent. I'm not used to feeling that way and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm really trying to relax and enjoy it but it's hard for me to wrap my head around it. Your past experiences got me thinking that you may like me a lot because you didn't know any better. If you had or were dating more maybe you'd see I'm not that special.

-But I'm glad you're not dating others but don't want to hold you back from anything. Especially with what I will have coming up in my life (she's having a baby on her own - see my other older thread for details).

-I'm not seeing someone else and have no desire to.

 

I responded:

- I appreciate you being open and honest. I understand you wanting to do this slowly and why you're confused. I want to process this slowly too.

- Yes, I haven't dated many, but I know pretty well what I'm attracted to and I believe you're something special that I'd like to continue to explore.

-told her that I'm happy that she's happy I'm not dating anyone. But told her that if she really WANTS me to date others, she needs to tell me this.

-I may as well be more truthful and honest. I think you seeing the guy at the movies who you were dating got me thinking more of this. Made me wonder if it was your way of saying you didn't want to be exclusive.

 

She said:

- I know I originally said I'm not looking for a relationship. But I'm not opposed to one either. IT's just very scary for me to think about being in one again as they usually end up being a heartbreaking disaster for me.

- I know you want one. Let's keep things light for the moment, but understand that my feelings for you are already pretty deep and its very unexpected for me.

-It concerns me that your recently separated. I don't want to get in-between you and your marriage and the possibility of it being worked out. I know you said you're both happier now, but it does play on my mind a bit.

- I was the one who called it off with the other guy. We were not a good match at all. I do miss his daughter and I do like to stay friends with anyone who I date. Wasn't sure how you would feel about me spending time with them so I wanted to be honest with you about me seeing them. Please know that I don't want to start anything with him and he doesn't with me either.

 

I said:

-Keeping things light is great. I respect you and want things to keep going in right direction.

- I apologize for getting facts wrong on who broke off the relationship with the guy she went to movies with recently.

- I thought maybe youhad feelings for him still and were subtly trying to tell me you were not ready for anything more with me.

- I understood the concerns about my own situation and separation. "working it out" is really out of the question for myself and the ex. We both know it would not be good for us or our children.

 

She said:

-Thanks again for being honest and glad we could clear the air.

-Asked me if I felt better and if there was anything else.

 

Since then, texting has continued strong. That conversation hasn't changed anything. Seems like it helped if anything. She is always there, which is refreshing compared to the other two girls I've dated since ex. I know she has a life, but it's nice to see her reaching out and telling me she's thinking of me.

 

Even yesterday, she had a night planned with a friend, but decided to have me over to her house for a quick dinner and cuddle before she went out. And tonight she's making me dinner again at her place. Got a late night drunk text from her too telling me she was thinking of me all night. : )

 

Yes, I'm smitten. And perhaps naive. Just thought I'd give you folks an update.

 

Now for the backlash....let it begin....lol....

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh boy.

 

Sorry OP, but I don't think this will end well for you. She stays friends with any guys she's dated? To me it sounds like she has boundary issues and I think this will become problematic the more you invest. She's basically telling you to expect more of that.

 

I would be very cautious moving forward here.

[introverted1]

I like it.

 

I actually think she is being quite realistic.

1. She is having a baby

2. You are not yet divorced

 

If I were her, I'd be nervous on 2 fronts:

1. That once I was actually pregnant and showing -- that it became real -- you'd bugger off

2. You may or may not be committed to divorcing

 

Then, add to the above that she is worried about your experience specifically as it relates to your enthrallment with her... well, I get it.

 

Also, wrt to the ex's daughter: I do not find it impossible to believe that a woman who is child-focused enough to go through AI on her own would also accept a movie invitation as a way to see an ex's child with whom she previously bonded.

 

I think that as long as you are both in agreement not to date others and you are both ok with taking things slow, you are in a good place. I know others will disagree.