LookAtThisPOst Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Well if you do make sure they have one child who is atleast 12 or older. lol Yeah, they have to be that age where they start getting girlfriends. LOL That way, they are occupied with them as we would be occupied with each other. Or old enough to work a microwave "Food's in the microwave, mom's on a date!" :-)
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 yeah i figured if someone was childless at 37 or older they would not want kids. Who wants to raise a kid in their 40s and 50's? Right, esp. if they've been previously married. I'm thinking, "If they want kids now, how come they didn't have one with their ex?"
kendahke Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 This women sounds unstable (mentally) and selfish to the extreme. What happens when the kid arrives? OP is going to be Daddy if there still dating? what are these baseless conclusions? It sounds more like you are projecting. There is nothing about her that sounds mentally unstable AT. ALL. You have nothing to base that conclusion on other than a post by a self admitted clingy guy who hasn't finished his divorce nor has any real experience in dating. Chances are, this isn't going to go the way OP envisions. She already had this plan in motion before he came on the scene, so whether he sticks around or not isn't being factored in. She's already applying the brakes on him because he's interjecting himself into her already laid out plans. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to date, as long as the guy she's dating knows up front the limitations that will be placed on their relationship once her baby is born. Her making him back up now says that she's well aware of what his limitations will be. Would be a different thing if she was encouraging him and letting him run off the lead. 2
kendahke Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 There's nothing wrong with dating a woman with a kid. There is something wrong dating a woman while she is pregnant and the kid is not yours. For you, perhaps, but no, not for everyone else. You can't speak for anyone else but yourself. 1
kendahke Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 What kind of normal woman is pregnant, belly sticking out, going on dates with men? That's gross. Dang, that sounds so childish. Plenty of adult men and women do this. How can people not find it crazy for a woman to be pregnant from some stranger, and still have sex with other men while the baby is growing inside of her? That's seriously messed up! To you, it is. Not to everyone else. You're projecting here. What has gone on in your past that you're trying to link to this woman and the OP? 2
truth_seeker Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 This scenario isn't shocking to me at all. She wants a family, and doesn't want to wait. She is being honest with the OP up front. Sounds like a keeper. If she wanted to deceive him, she'd wait however long, get him good and hooked emotionally, then tell him after she started to show. Riiiiight???? Maybe the guys are upset that having their own kids isn't as easy as going to a clinic for a sperm donor. *shrug* It's amazing how people take snip its from postings and create drama. Good for her if she takes initiative to have a kid on her own. Good for her being up front with the same she chooses to date. Very strange however to be pregnant by a sperm donor AND date men at the same time. Very strange for a guy to date a woman while she is pregnant by a sperm donor.
truth_seeker Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 For you, perhaps, but no, not for everyone else. You can't speak for anyone else but yourself. Others on here agree it is strange and bizarre to date a person while they're pregnant with someone else's child. Sounds like an episode of Maury Povich.
Author Radarsat Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Very strange however to be pregnant by a sperm donor AND date men at the same time. Very strange for a guy to date a woman while she is pregnant by a sperm donor. Other than it being not the traditional/normal thing to do. Why is it exactly strange? Define that please. Keeping in mind, a loving, positive family unit shouldn't be defined by just shared DNA. 4
Standard-Fare Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Can we all just agree that this situation may be described as "strange," unconventional, and complicated -- but that doesn't make it WRONG, and that doesn't make this woman crazy? If OP is comfortable with it, and feels he could withstand some raised eyebrows from outsiders, there's no reason he shouldn't move forward in this dating situation. To me he seems like he's approaching all of this with a very open mind, and that's exactly the type of guy this woman needs. 2
RedRobin Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 (edited) It's amazing how people take snip its from postings and create drama. Good for her if she takes initiative to have a kid on her own. Good for her being up front with the same she chooses to date. Very strange however to be pregnant by a sperm donor AND date men at the same time. Very strange for a guy to date a woman while she is pregnant by a sperm donor. Pregnancy is a natural biological process, not a disease. Even if she had a disease... Doesn't preclude anyone from seeking companionship. Maybe you come from a culture or tradition where women lock themselves away when pregnant?? That's not common in the U.S. unless you are orthodox (fill in the blank) Men who sincerely love children aren't hung up on bio origin. I see it all the time. Men being great fathers to adopted or surrogate children. OTOH, there are men who will only want to parent their own bio kid... whatevs... Edited December 18, 2015 by RedRobin 3
mssweet Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Other than it being not the traditional/normal thing to do. Why is it exactly strange? Define that please. Keeping in mind, a loving, positive family unit shouldn't be defined by just shared DNA. I'm confused why you started this thread. You asked "am I crazy?" , but I noticed that if someone doesn't give you the answer you're looking for, you get defensive. I mean, when you started this thread, you knew that you were going to get a lot of different opinions, right? You're obviously going to do what you want to do at the end of the day, regardless of what anyone else thinks. If its not strange to you and you think you can handle the situation with ease, then go for it.
Author Radarsat Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 I'm confused why you started this thread. You asked "am I crazy?" , but I noticed that if someone doesn't give you the answer you're looking for, you get defensive. I mean, when you started this thread, you knew that you were going to get a lot of different opinions, right? You're obviously going to do what you want to do at the end of the day, regardless of what anyone else thinks. If its not strange to you and you think you can handle the situation with ease, then go for it. Only got defensive when I realized I had support on here as well (only being honest) and more specifically when users referred to wanting to be with a pregnant woman as "disgusting". Maybe for them, but to make a blanket statement that anyone dating a pregnant woman or wanting to have sex with them is disgusting, is rather immature. So Yeah, I'll get super defensive over that...for a women's right to feel loved. I'm fine with different opinions, but people should consider to choose their words more appropriately. 1
William Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Folks, apparently we have a dating situation involving an in-vitro pregnancy patient so let's stick to that scenario, dating someone who is seeking to get pregnant via in-vitro process with an anonymous donor. I've advised moderation to assist with cleaning up the off-topic and inflammatory content and direct members to cease such interaction or be subject to sanction. Use that 'alert us' button in the future and remain on-topic. Thanks!
SpiralOut Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 I guess my question to anyone is....am I crazy? She thinks I am! She's a little guarded for a couple of reasons. One, I haven't dated many people (she's the third) since I separated in August. Two, most men she's dated have found that information about her to be a bit of a deal breaker. I want a woman with children. It helps me realize that they will understand that I'm a father first and foremost too (I have a 7 and 4 year old). But am I crazy to get into this with her? I don't feel that way, but I want to be sensible to her and myself. I bolded the words that stood out to me. I am a little confused about why she thinks you are crazy. What sort of response was she hoping to get from you? If it feels right to you then go for it. Be prepared for judgement though. It might be difficult to deal with people IRL who try to talk you out of it. 1
Author Radarsat Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 I bolded the words that stood out to me. I am a little confused about why she thinks you are crazy. What sort of response was she hoping to get from you? I may have been exaggerating with that statment. She never actually said I think your crazy. What she said was most guys have said it's a deal breaker for them when the IVF / anonymous sperm donor topic has come up. She was also smiling and shaking her head in disbelief when I was telling her that I'd love to be a part of her experience and the child's life IF (big if) we were to grow the relationship.
Natalie8 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 What kind of normal woman is pregnant, belly sticking out, going on dates with men? That's gross. If she had the kid and then went on dates and was upfront with men she has a child on her own, that's different. How can people not find it crazy for a woman to be pregnant from some stranger, and still have sex with other men while the baby is growing inside of her? That's seriously messed up! It is gross for you while it is obviously not gross for this person. This thread is about OP, not you. She doesnt need to have sex with some stranger -as you choose to put it- to get pregnant. That is not how the procedure works. There is nothing in op's post to suggest that she is having sex with other MEN, as in plural so im not sure why you are tying to make this sound all dirty. While the baby is growing inside her it is part of her. And if this guy loves her and has sex with her he obviously wont concentrate on the part you are concentrating on- that there is a stranger's baby inside her. 3
truth_seeker Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 It is gross for you while it is obviously not gross for this person. This thread is about OP, not you. She doesnt need to have sex with some stranger -as you choose to put it- to get pregnant. That is not how the procedure works. There is nothing in op's post to suggest that she is having sex with other MEN, as in plural so im not sure why you are tying to make this sound all dirty. While the baby is growing inside her it is part of her. And if this guy loves her and has sex with her he obviously wont concentrate on the part you are concentrating on- that there is a stranger's baby inside her. 1) Thanks for pointing that out. 2) What are you talking about? You off way off base with your - as you choose to put it - as I never said anything about that. You're making things up to make a point. 3) Obviously others on here don't have the courage to say they are grossed out by that.
RedRobin Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 ^^ I dunno truth seeker. I am not quite sure where your concerns come from. Are you concerned about a guy potentially raising a kid that is not his own? Happens every day. Are you concerned about fetal health and sex? Talk to a doctor, but lots of men have sex with their pregnant partners. I have a female friend who is raising a baby as her own after a surrogate was impregnated with her H's sperm. She couldn't have her own baby. What would you tell her? I realize it is a foreign concept to you, but people who genuinely love children don't care that it came from a different womb. 1
4blossoms Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 I think what you're doing is great and really admirable. But if the dating is going so well, why don't you tell her to hold off on the artificial insemination for a little while (like 2-3 months)? If it turns out you two are compatible and have a good chance of becoming a successful couple, it would be good if you were the father of the child. Just sign a legal agreement that as long as you two are not married you are not financially responsible for the child. This is better than falling in love and watching her give birth to some anonymous man's child. And if you eventually decide to tie the knot you won't be financially supporting some other man's baby. If things don't work out, you can go your separate ways and you have no financial obligations though you could choose to be present in that child's life. The good thing about her having your baby is that a baby will help the two of you try harder to work out the differences that come up in any relationship and you will not be so ready to say goodbye when the going gets tough. I think children tend to make people try to make a relationship work and that can only be a good thing.
4blossoms Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 I think what you're doing is great and really admirable. But if the dating is going so well, why don't you tell her to hold off on the artificial insemination for a little while (like 2-3 months)? If it turns out you two are compatible and have a good chance of becoming a successful couple, it would be good if you were the father of the child. Just sign a legal agreement that as long as you two are not married you are not financially responsible for the child. This is better than falling in love and watching her give birth to some anonymous man's child. And if you eventually decide to tie the knot you won't be financially supporting some other man's baby. If things don't work out, you can go your separate ways and you have no financial obligations though you could choose to be present in that child's life. The good thing about her having your baby is that a baby will help the two of you try harder to work out the differences that come up in any relationship and you will not be so ready to say goodbye when the going gets tough. I think children tend to make people try to make a relationship work and that can only be a good thing. This is assuming several things of course: (1) you complete your divorce before doing this, (2) you and her feel comfortable with the idea, (3) she will let you be a part of the child's life if that is what you want. I wholeheartedly support the both of you! I am thinking about doing this myself too--this biological clock is a ticking time bomb. Personally, I would rather just have the man I am dating father my child. It is free and I don't have to pay the fertility clinic! If things do work out, then voila(!) instant progeny! I have a good career, salary, and supportive parents, so I can financially take care of the child on my own. The guy I am dating would just have to give up all rights to custody of the child (unless we get married), but if he is a decent person, I don't mind if he wants to see the child every now and then. I can see how legally things can get hairy if I am no longer dating the father but he wants joint custody or to be constantly involved in the child's life. From my perspective since I prefer to have only one child, it makes sense to just have it with my boyfriend if it seems like there is a good chance of us working out. 1
Author Radarsat Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 You're calling me a bloody idiot? I hope the moderators reprimand you for this. Your quote: If you're talking about having a fetish for having sex with pregnant women who isn't carrying their child - that's SICK! And again, your opinion man. And your entitled to that. Not sure why it's "Sick" exactly. I could understand a more, "it's just not for me". But hey, you've still got some years ahead of you to grow up I'm sure. 1
MoreAmore Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 This is assuming several things of course: (1) you complete your divorce before doing this, (2) you and her feel comfortable with the idea, (3) she will let you be a part of the child's life if that is what you want. I wholeheartedly support the both of you! I am thinking about doing this myself too--this biological clock is a ticking time bomb. Personally, I would rather just have the man I am dating father my child. It is free and I don't have to pay the fertility clinic! If things do work out, then voila(!) instant progeny! I have a good career, salary, and supportive parents, so I can financially take care of the child on my own. The guy I am dating would just have to give up all rights to custody of the child (unless we get married), but if he is a decent person, I don't mind if he wants to see the child every now and then. I can see how legally things can get hairy if I am no longer dating the father but he wants joint custody or to be constantly involved in the child's life. From my perspective since I prefer to have only one child, it makes sense to just have it with my boyfriend if it seems like there is a good chance of us working out. Yeah. Anyone would want to talk to a lawyer before this. If you father the child in the traditional way and the other party keeps the child and is a single mother, you can't give up your financial onligation/-/ if she ever goes to court or goes on government aid, you will be obligated for past and future support no matter what was agreed and there's no document you can use to give that up without another parent (two total parents) adopting the child. I know someone who went through this, agreeing to this situation. He went to a lawyer years later after he got significant assets. At that point, though the mother was still willing to sign, the lawyer said all he could do is hope it remains that way that she never needs aid (even if she doesn't want to government can collect.) and never names him or pursues it, even without him ever having had any involvement and having the original emails where they both agreed, because child support is an obligation to the child, not the mother. In the state this occurred in, retroactive support could be ordered.
No_Go Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 This situation raises giant red flags: 1) you're married! Separated or not, the diverse is ahead and you can get into trouble if you end in a complicated situation (eg your wife overreacting after seeing you with a pregnant woman...) 2) she's not pregnant! She wants to be, but at 37, insemination may or may not work. So you're putting the horse before the cart 3) she shares her intent for pregnancy on date 1!!! I'd be thinking the only reason to do that is to make you offer to be the father. The rest of the things she said is fluff to mask the situation imo Another thing that crossed my mind - can it be that she's pregnant already from someone else, and wants to make it sound like it happened after you guys met, and from a donor? Yeah, she'll have to give birth "early" but life happens, right .. 4) you're rebounding - just see the things you focus on in this woman - dresses cute, cooks amazingly - I bet your wife was the opposite, right? Nothing in this storysoundsnormal, sorry... wish you both well... Hi everyone, Here's my latest. I'm dating this really intelligent and classy girl who owns her own business in her own home. She is an unbelievable cook (like really good!) and she puts herself together extremely well. Very sexy. Dresses really nice and is super cute. We've been on 4 great dates so far. I know, it's early. The last one was at her home for dinner. Incredible dinner. We got into the wine a bit and we eventually kissed and made out a little. It was a great night and we both feel a connection. She told me that she senses that I move quickly and realizes knowing my history I'm not very experienced with dating. So she's being cautious, wants us to take it slowly one date at a time, which I think is amazing. I'm just not used to it and want to just commit already! Really foolish I know. Regardless, one very interesting thing about this girl is she wants a child. This came up on the first date. And when I mean she wants a child, she wants one right now! Not with me. She is (starting in January) going to go through artificial insemination (In vitro I think) in order to have a baby on her own. She's 37 like me and doesn't want to wait any longer. The father will be anonymous. I think it's amazing and a hugely courageous and confident thing to decide to do! As we got into the wine last night, I told her that if things grew with 'us', that I meant what I said on date one that I thought it was amazing and that I'd love to help her along the journey and be there for her when she needs help. I told her I understood that she was doing this on her own, but that I'd love to be a part of her and that child's life if things continued the way they were going. She smiled/blushed immensely and we made out a bit more. I guess my question to anyone is....am I crazy? She thinks I am! She's a little guarded for a couple of reasons. One, I haven't dated many people (she's the third) since I separated in August. Two, most men she's dated have found that information about her to be a bit of a deal breaker. I want a woman with children. It helps me realize that they will understand that I'm a father first and foremost too (I have a 7 and 4 year old). But am I crazy to get into this with her? I don't feel that way, but I want to be sensible to her and myself. 1
truth_seeker Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 I wholeheartedly support the both of you! I am thinking about doing this myself too--this biological clock is a ticking time bomb. Personally, I would rather just have the man I am dating father my child. It is free and I don't have to pay the fertility clinic! If things do work out, then voila(!) instant progeny! I have a good career, salary, and supportive parents, so I can financially take care of the child on my own. The guy I am dating would just have to give up all rights to custody of the child (unless we get married), but if he is a decent person, I don't mind if he wants to see the child every now and then. I can see how legally things can get hairy if I am no longer dating the father but he wants joint custody or to be constantly involved in the child's life. From my perspective since I prefer to have only one child, it makes sense to just have it with my boyfriend if it seems like there is a good chance of us working out. I understand you want a kid, but what you wrote is a bit alarming. Get pregnant for free... if he's decent, I don't mind him seeing the child... I question if you should have a kid. It sounds like you want one so bad and not seeing the big picture as you're putting the kid second to your wants and needs - the kid's should be first.
4blossoms Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Yeah. Anyone would want to talk to a lawyer before this. If you father the child in the traditional way and the other party keeps the child and is a single mother, you can't give up your financial onligation/-/ if she ever goes to court or goes on government aid, you will be obligated for past and future support no matter what was agreed and there's no document you can use to give that up without another parent (two total parents) adopting the child. I know someone who went through this, agreeing to this situation. He went to a lawyer years later after he got significant assets. At that point, though the mother was still willing to sign, the lawyer said all he could do is hope it remains that way that she never needs aid (even if she doesn't want to government can collect.) and never names him or pursues it, even without him ever having had any involvement and having the original emails where they both agreed, because child support is an obligation to the child, not the mother. In the state this occurred in, retroactive support could be ordered. Wow, I'm sorry to hear this. It certainly throws a wrench in my own plans. This seems awfully unfair; if you agree to a legal contract where the biological father will never be financially responsible for the child, it should be upheld in court and override any other laws in place. Also, if the man only assumes the role of a donor (like an anonymous donor at a fertility clinic), he should not have any financial responsibilities towards the child. I am surprised the law does not reflect this. OP, if you are certain that she is financially secure and she sees that you have significant financially responsibilities (the cost of raising your own children from a previous marriage), I still think it's worth considering...with a little more research. Many donors at sperm banks are not anonymous and many birth mothers fully know the identity of the donor but donors have no obligation to support the child. This method is also better than going to a cryobank for the woman since sometimes banks are unscrupulous and use one donor for over 100 women (this is not good for the child, they run the chance of partnering with a close genetic relative in smaller cities and towns).
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