Long term relationship struggle

[warpingmind]

Hello,

 

I'm going through very difficult times with my 10 year boyfriend and also best friend. During our relationship (we started dating when I was 19 and he was 21) I have been very selfish and not doing nearly enough for someone I love and loved me so much and did everything for me.

We met each other when we both went to college, to attend the same course. We always relied on each other for everything. We spent almost all of our time together. The friends we have are all common to us. We had almost no life out of each other and we had the same routine until now.

Now he is on a new course since October,finally feeling like he is doing something he likes and I'm in my first job. And everything went sour from then on.

One day, back a month ago we were both in a coffeshop with our friends and some of his new colleagues popped up. I started to feel neglected, that I wasn't given attention and I got very sad and frustrated. At the end of the night he realised I wasn't ok and asked what was going on, but I refused to talk and was very cold to him. Unfortunately that was something i used to do many times when things didn't go my way.

Two days later and we were having a very difficult conversation which ended up with him saying something like: his new course gave him a new perspective on our relationship, that things weren't right, that he got tired of me behaving like that and all of the sacrifices and compromise i didn't do. Those sacrifices he asked were small things like: taking the bus(since i don't have a car) and surprise him by showing up on the afternoon,showing up after he had an exam at his request. This last one marked him especially as he asked on our first years of college and he still remembers I told him I wouldn't show up as I had to sleep. He can count by one hand in 10 years how many times I have surprised him..

In that conversation he also said we were diverging,he was changing, he was tired of my reactions and the lack of compromise I didn't have(that he took all of this along this years and my latest reaction was the cause of him bursting out).It wasn't the first time he talked to me about my lack of compromising and how it hurt him and how i said that would change. He reminded me he had said how sasd he felt when he saw all of those couples hanging out together and he was there by himself at a coffeeshop while I was at home.

We ended up the conversation deciding we would fight for our relationship as there is too much to lose.

Things have been very difficult and it hurst seeing him unstable. He isn't as caring as he used to and, sometimes, he acts a bit distant, which it's something I confronted him with and he acknowledges it.

Two days ago and about one month later since our big conversation, by the end of the night, I noticed he wasn't ok and was a bit distant. He initially didn't want to talk(which would be something I would do) but i convinced him to. And it hurt like hell to hear him say that he woke up a few days ago not missing me and that he loved me but just not like he used to. I told him the same a good friend of ours told him in another occasion that if he felt like that, maybe it meant something. He told us both he didn't want that to mean anything. After him saying this I suggested giving us time with no contact whatsoever. He broke down and said he wasn't prepared to do it now, that he knew without a single doubt he loved me and was afraid to lose me and that he couldn't bare the thought of not knowing how I was.

So, after this, we decided we should have a day for ourselves next weekend and see how it goes and if it doesn't go well maybe give it a time, to see if he missed me and to work things out in his head. I told him that I needed him to figure out if he still wants a future with me. Before all of this, may 4 months ago we were making plans to him moving to my house, we had chosen names for our future kids and for me, not knowing if he still wants this is kind of a setback.

This next 3 days we won't see each other but will talk by phone at lunch time(and we just say a few words) and at night and text as always, as he has a busy school schedule, but he said if i still wanted no contact he would understand.

I feel overwhelmed with all of this situation, I don't know if we are doing the right thing and I don't want to lose him because I love him, I believe we have something special and we have built so much together.

We are very open and honest with each other, we know exactly what the other is thinking and we have many things in common. Nevertheless I think our main problems are that we don't spend enough alone time, just tje two of us together and that is something that is needed to keep the connection, we fell into a routine a long time ago and sometimes we have nothing to say to each other and just stay silence.

I'm completely lost and don't know what to do or think. I hope this might not be too late.

[TaraMaiden2]

You know that wonderful camel-hair coat you bought, that looked so elegant, and made you look so swish, but is now fraying at the edges, getting a little worn and moth-eaten, and a bit thin in places?

 

So really, while it's cosy and comfortable, and you've had it a while and have got so used to it, perhaps it's best to discard it and think about getting a new coat.

 

Things begin, have a middle, and end.

This is no exception.

 

Is it worth patching up or do you think it's come to the end of its natural life?

Personally, there is such a divergence of emotions here, I think it would be healthier to call, it a day, accept it, be friends and call it quits.

[warpingmind]

I would agree it gets tiring and old being with anyone who is selfish and self centered.

 

What are YOU changing about yourself to be better in that area?

 

Doing things for him and for myself that I should have done before. He told me I am changing and feels happy for me.

You see, since about 8 years ago,when I was in college, that was when I changed home to a place that I absolutely hate but have no choice to accept as it was bought for me. Its a place dislocated from the center of the city,I have to take two buses to get anywhere since I don't own a car. This makes me feel incredibly dependent on my parents/boyfriend.

I'm a very reserved and introvert person, and as so I don't make a lot of friends (but at least they're good ones) and the ones I have are the ones he has, except for a girlfriend I have which is, unfortunately in another country.

This whole package brought a lot of sadness to my life and selfishness too as like I said before, my boyfriend can count by one hand how many times I have made him surprises.

That 1st conversation we had was like a slap in my face and maybe a too late slap, too make me realize what I had been missing by simply not caring, about him or myself.

Like I said to him many times and in which he agrees 'my home is the mirror of my life' and my life is slowly getting out of a mess.

[warpingmind]

You know that wonderful camel-hair coat you bought, that looked so elegant, and made you look so swish, but is now fraying at the edges, getting a little worn and moth-eaten, and a bit thin in places?

 

So really, while it's cosy and comfortable, and you've had it a while and have got so used to it, perhaps it's best to discard it and think about getting a new coat.

 

Things begin, have a middle, and end.

This is no exception.

 

Is it worth patching up or do you think it's come to the end of its natural life?

Personally, there is such a divergence of emotions here, I think it would be healthier to call, it a day, accept it, be friends and call it quits.

 

What do you mean by divergence of emotions?

[TaraMaiden2]

What do you mean by divergence of emotions?

(He even said it himself....)

 

Hello,

 

I'm going through very difficult times with my 10 year boyfriend and also best friend. During our relationship (we started dating when I was 19 and he was 21) I have been very selfish and not doing nearly enough for someone I love and loved me so much and did everything for me.

We met each other when we both went to college, to attend the same course. We always relied on each other for everything. We spent almost all of our time together. The friends we have are all common to us. We had almost no life out of each other and we had the same routine until now.

Now he is on a new course since October,finally feeling like he is doing something he likes and I'm in my first job. And everything went sour from then on.

One day, back a month ago we were both in a coffeshop with our friends and some of his new colleagues popped up. I started to feel neglected, that I wasn't given attention and I got very sad and frustrated. At the end of the night he realised I wasn't ok and asked what was going on, but I refused to talk and was very cold to him. Unfortunately that was something i used to do many times when things didn't go my way.

Two days later and we were having a very difficult conversation which ended up with him saying something like: his new course gave him a new perspective on our relationship, that things weren't right, that he got tired of me behaving like that and all of the sacrifices and compromise i didn't do. Those sacrifices he asked were small things like: taking the bus(since i don't have a car) and surprise him by showing up on the afternoon,showing up after he had an exam at his request. This last one marked him especially as he asked on our first years of college and he still remembers I told him I wouldn't show up as I had to sleep. He can count by one hand in 10 years how many times I have surprised him..

In that conversation he also said we were diverging,he was changing, he was tired of my reactions and the lack of compromise I didn't have(that he took all of this along this years and my latest reaction was the cause of him bursting out).It wasn't the first time he talked to me about my lack of compromising and how it hurt him and how i said that would change. He reminded me he had said how sasd he felt when he saw all of those couples hanging out together and he was there by himself at a coffeeshop while I was at home.

We ended up the conversation deciding we would fight for our relationship as there is too much to lose.

Things have been very difficult and it hurst seeing him unstable. He isn't as caring as he used to and, sometimes, he acts a bit distant, which it's something I confronted him with and he acknowledges it.

Two days ago and about one month later since our big conversation, by the end of the night, I noticed he wasn't ok and was a bit distant. He initially didn't want to talk(which would be something I would do) but i convinced him to. And it hurt like hell to hear him say that he woke up a few days ago not missing me and that he loved me but just not like he used to. I told him the same a good friend of ours told him in another occasion that if he felt like that, maybe it meant something. He told us both he didn't want that to mean anything. After him saying this I suggested giving us time with no contact whatsoever. He broke down and said he wasn't prepared to do it now, that he knew without a single doubt he loved me and was afraid to lose me and that he couldn't bare the thought of not knowing how I was.

So, after this, we decided we should have a day for ourselves next weekend and see how it goes and if it doesn't go well maybe give it a time, to see if he missed me and to work things out in his head. I told him that I needed him to figure out if he still wants a future with me. Before all of this, may 4 months ago we were making plans to him moving to my house, we had chosen names for our future kids and for me, not knowing if he still wants this is kind of a setback.

This next 3 days we won't see each other but will talk by phone at lunch time(and we just say a few words) and at night and text as always, as he has a busy school schedule, but he said if i still wanted no contact he would understand.

I feel overwhelmed with all of this situation, I don't know if we are doing the right thing and I don't want to lose him because I love him, I believe we have something special and we have built so much together.

We are very open and honest with each other, we know exactly what the other is thinking and we have many things in common. Nevertheless I think our main problems are that we don't spend enough alone time, just tje two of us together and that is something that is needed to keep the connection, we fell into a routine a long time ago and sometimes we have nothing to say to each other and just stay silence.

I'm completely lost and don't know what to do or think. I hope this might not be too late.

 

I don't know that either of you really know how you feel.

You need time alone, and NC means exactly that. No texts, no phone calls, No Contact.

 

None.

And if you need couples counselling, I'd opt for that too.

But sometimes you have to face reality, and face the fact that you may no longer really be on the same level; the 'love' has changed, and you're hanging on to one another because, well, you always have.

[warpingmind]

(He even said it himself....)

 

 

 

I don't know that either of you really know how you feel.

You need time alone, and NC means exactly that. No texts, no phone calls, No Contact.

 

None.

And if you need couples counselling, I'd opt for that too.

But sometimes you have to face reality, and face the fact that you may no longer really be on the same level; the 'love' has changed, and you're hanging on to one another because, well, you always have.

 

The diverging part he wasn't talking about emotions, but I guess you're right after the things he said.

What hurts me the most was that 2 days before our first conversation, in the day I felt neglected, after that he said he would love me forever.I questioned him about it, why the sudden change, and he said that at the time he wrote that,that what he was feeling. I guess what you feel one day next day might not be true.

[warpingmind]

A house was bought FOR you? You hate it?

 

You don't drive?

 

Take charge of your life and your happiness!

 

Learn to drive/buy a cheap car.

 

Sell the house if you hate it!

 

Start being a grownup woman by becoming self sufficient and supporting all your ow needs.

 

My parents bought a house so that they could have a place to stay when they visited the town I came to live in. Then I started college on this town,moved out of my grandparents' and it became mine. I can't afford to buy one because currently I don't earn enough on my job even to pay my bills, so my parents have to give me some kind of support.I'm trying to change jobs so that could change. My father tried to sell the house and no one wanted to buy it, mostly because nowadays almost no one is buying one.

[TaraMaiden2]

The diverging part he wasn't talking about emotions, but I guess you're right after the things he said.

What hurts me the most was that 2 days before our first conversation, in the day I felt neglected, after that he said he would love me forever.I questioned him about it, why the sudden change, and he said that at the time he wrote that,that what he was feeling. I guess what you feel one day next day might not be true.

 

Hence my first comment about you guys being uncertain.

 

There's also the possibility of feeling obliged...

 

"After all this time, I should love her/him.

I ought to. I mean, after so long, surely I should feel that way? I owe it to the relationship...."

 

Maybe you're so habitual to each other, you feel you should be committed to one another, and in fact, you're 'settling'....

[warpingmind]

Hence my first comment about you guys being uncertain.

 

There's also the possibility of feeling obliged...

 

"After all this time, I should love her/him.

I ought to. I mean, after so long, surely I should feel that way? I owe it to the relationship...."

 

Maybe you're so habitual to each other, you feel you should be committed to one another, and in fact, you're 'settling'....

How can we know that we are obliged to love each other and is just something out of habit?We are supposed to spend a day with each other this weekend.Do you even think we should do this?

[TaraMaiden2]

The fact you're questioning every move leads me to believe you're attempting to build something on shifting sands....

I'm not you.

I don't know the intricate ins-and-outs of this relationship but if I'm perfectly honest, based only on what you've presented here, in your shoes I'd quit, with so much fruitless effort, stop flogging a dead horse, admit it's over and shut the book.

[warpingmind]

Warpingmind, First things first - I know this forum is for general opinions/help from anyone, but I offer this up from 20 years of relationship consulting/counseling. I was doing some forum perusing today for some research for an article and was taken with your post. I hope you don't mind that I jump right in, but I can't help it, helping people in relationships is my life! :-) If something doesn't resonate, remember, this is all based off the snapshot you gave in your first message. I hope this helps-

 

To begin, it sounds like you and your BF have pretty good communication for the most part. This is HUGE given the many unhealthy communication habits we are societally taught. Secondly, it would be good to cut yourself a little slack. When you first met, you were both very young and learning about relationships. In reality, you both had different approaches to the new relationship. It seems, you came from a more cautious, needing to build trust more slowly overtime and he came from a ready to give style - totally okay and totally understandable. However, the dynamic never shifted (grew/matured) as it needed to in the 10 years you've been together (unfortunately, this is what most couples do and don't even realize it.) Your dynamic is old and dying. Let me be clear, the dynamic is dying off, not the relationship (yet), it's just ready to grow. You're in the midst of a growth spurt and if you both don't get on board the relationship will die too. Given your message though, it sounds like the 2 of you are willing to put in the time, effort and energy to shift the dynamic to it's new maturation. This is great. I commend you, for having the courage and knowingness to take some space at the moment to gain some clarity for yourselves and on the situation. I am curious how this space is going/has gone? Have you arrived at any clarity??

 

PS- You BOTH are responsible for the dynamic you have created together and participated in for years. Neither of you is at fault or to be blamed for it. It's all a matter of mutual responsibility.

 

I think I have mislead you to think that we were giving each other a break by saying the next 3 days we wouldn't see each other. That's what is usually happening since he went to this new course in October as he has a very busy schedule Monday to Wednesday. Anyway, we got to see each other for a brief time Monday and yesterday.

We are both very afraid to give each other a break/space/time as we don't know if it would do more harm to our relationship. I'm also afraid he might already know the answer but doesn't want to acknowledge it. I'm saying this based on the facts he doesn't love me like he used to, he woke up a few times not missing me.

Also when I said I wanted to have a family and live together, as those were our dreams a few months ago, he said I could still have it with someone else. I asked him if that was his answer and he said no. I feel like I'm in a rocking boat.

[warpingmind]

Something that crossed my mind today that I thought I should add.

My boyfriend obviously knows my parents and I have told him how is my relationship with them. My mother is and always has been a very difficult person and both of us used to not get along with each other very much.Besides that, she never treated my father with the love and respect he deserves because he is one of the most caring people I know and she has put him through a lot. You ask why does he put up with that?He told me that when he married her, it was for life and he will bear that 'crux' 'til he dies.

What does this all have to do with me and my boyfriend?He said that he sees a lot of my mother in me and doesn't want to end up like my father.

[salparadise]

Resentment due to unmet expectations is what I going on here, I believe. This is a common problem in relationships. It has to be managed, but before you can manage it you need to be aware and understand it. Expectations change as relationships grow... reference earlier post by communicatus. To some degree you can actually design your relationship if you communicate and are both on board.

 

Communication is essential. You have to quit doing that silence/withdrawal drama. Say what you feel and always say, "I feel" never "you make me feel."

 

Expectations should be negotiated, not assumed. You can't hold someone responsible for things that aren't communicated, beyond their realm of control, or something that isn't reasonable and agreed upon.

 

Both of you need to be much more focused on giving than receiving. Learn to give and receive graciously and generously... express appreciation for effort and good intention even is it's not perfect. Appreciate each other every day and express it freely. Get the positive feelings flowing and keep going.

 

Buy a copy of Harville Hendriks' book 'Getting the Love You Want' and follow the steps for understanding and healing the relationship. Go to couples counseling.

 

I strongly disagree with the advice to give up because it has run its course- there are people who remain in love and appreciative of each other every day for the rest of their lives. It has a lot to do with emotional intelligence, a lot of which you can learn as you go. Good luck and best wishes.

Edited January 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[warpingmind]

Hello,

 

I'm going through very difficult times with my 10 year boyfriend and also best friend. During our relationship (we started dating when I was 19 and he was 21) I have been very selfish and not doing nearly enough for someone I love and loved me so much and did everything for me.

We met each other when we both went to college, to attend the same course. We always relied on each other for everything. We spent almost all of our time together. The friends we have are all common to us. We had almost no life out of each other and we had the same routine until now.

Now he is on a new course since October,finally feeling like he is doing something he likes and I'm in my first job. And everything went sour from then on.

One day, back a month ago we were both in a coffeshop with our friends and some of his new colleagues popped up. I started to feel neglected, that I wasn't given attention and I got very sad and frustrated. At the end of the night he realised I wasn't ok and asked what was going on, but I refused to talk and was very cold to him. Unfortunately that was something i used to do many times when things didn't go my way.

Two days later and we were having a very difficult conversation which ended up with him saying something like: his new course gave him a new perspective on our relationship, that things weren't right, that he got tired of me behaving like that and all of the sacrifices and compromise i didn't do. Those sacrifices he asked were small things like: taking the bus(since i don't have a car) and surprise him by showing up on the afternoon,showing up after he had an exam at his request. This last one marked him especially as he asked on our first years of college and he still remembers I told him I wouldn't show up as I had to sleep. He can count by one hand in 10 years how many times I have surprised him..

In that conversation he also said we were diverging,he was changing, he was tired of my reactions and the lack of compromise I didn't have(that he took all of this along this years and my latest reaction was the cause of him bursting out).It wasn't the first time he talked to me about my lack of compromising and how it hurt him and how i said that would change. He reminded me he had said how sasd he felt when he saw all of those couples hanging out together and he was there by himself at a coffeeshop while I was at home.

We ended up the conversation deciding we would fight for our relationship as there is too much to lose.

Things have been very difficult and it hurst seeing him unstable. He isn't as caring as he used to and, sometimes, he acts a bit distant, which it's something I confronted him with and he acknowledges it.

Two days ago and about one month later since our big conversation, by the end of the night, I noticed he wasn't ok and was a bit distant. He initially didn't want to talk(which would be something I would do) but i convinced him to. And it hurt like hell to hear him say that he woke up a few days ago not missing me and that he loved me but just not like he used to. I told him the same a good friend of ours told him in another occasion that if he felt like that, maybe it meant something. He told us both he didn't want that to mean anything. After him saying this I suggested giving us time with no contact whatsoever. He broke down and said he wasn't prepared to do it now, that he knew without a single doubt he loved me and was afraid to lose me and that he couldn't bare the thought of not knowing how I was.

So, after this, we decided we should have a day for ourselves next weekend and see how it goes and if it doesn't go well maybe give it a time, to see if he missed me and to work things out in his head. I told him that I needed him to figure out if he still wants a future with me. Before all of this, may 4 months ago we were making plans to him moving to my house, we had chosen names for our future kids and for me, not knowing if he still wants this is kind of a setback.

This next 3 days we won't see each other but will talk by phone at lunch time(and we just say a few words) and at night and text as always, as he has a busy school schedule, but he said if i still wanted no contact he would understand.

I feel overwhelmed with all of this situation, I don't know if we are doing the right thing and I don't want to lose him because I love him, I believe we have something special and we have built so much together.

We are very open and honest with each other, we know exactly what the other is thinking and we have many things in common. Nevertheless I think our main problems are that we don't spend enough alone time, just tje two of us together and that is something that is needed to keep the connection, we fell into a routine a long time ago and sometimes we have nothing to say to each other and just stay silence.

I'm completely lost and don't know what to do or think. I hope this might not be too late.

 

 

Update to this:

 

I didn't feel it was necessary to creat another thread, so here i'll just add to this.

I couldn't continue like that and we took a 1 week apart time so he could straight tup his mind. Long story short, half the week went through and he had already made up his mind and wanted us to have a future together.

 

Before all this happened,he used to have many spontaneous and sweet gestures like remembering I said I liked 'x' flowers and bringing those to me as a surprise, showing up with my favourite cookies,etc. He was also very sweet and affectionate to me.

Since then, I noticed he is not as affectionate anymore and his sweet gestures also came to a halt.Also he got an habit (which I must admit it bothers me) of sometimes sticking is tongue out to me. I am now making more sweet gestures for him, so it's like we've traded places.

 

Gestures and lack of affection apart, he is still there for me. When I was feeling down when I heard the news I still had some health issues, he immediately went to my place. The other day he kept me company for two hours at the hospital after I had surgery.

 

So,my question is: should I address this to him,or am I just being needy and insecure because of what happened between us?I don't want to be unfair to him and I wanted some opinions if I'm just making a big thing out of this.

[kztar]

this relationship sounds DEAD. You will only keep suffering if you continue.