"Taking things slow" (the female version)

January 4, 2016

I would agree with you under normal circumstances but OP said he needs to practically PUSH HER for those 1 or 2 dates a week.

When he said he feels like he is always the one *pushing* to see her ....I interpreted it like he is the one to always ask to see her and take the initiative.....I could be wrong.

Perhaps if he wasn't *pushing* so hard ... it would motivate her to take the initiative once in awhile.

OP, stop pushing so hard, give her a moment to breathe for chrissakes..... and let her miss you!

That is how you build attraction.....pushing hard will push most women away....not closer

Especially very independent women.

Just out of curiosity, you say in your prior relationships, the women were always available. How did you feel about "them*?

Did you feel as intense toward them as you do with this girl who is less available?

Did you *love* them and feel as attached to them after only three weeks?

And what happened in those prior relationships ...why did they end?

January 4, 2016

Hey guys...

I've been dating this girl for 3 weeks now. I'm 35, she's 33, she has a very fulfilling life by herself with billions of friends (both genders) and basically, she's very independent and needs lots of "alone time". She had warned me of this right from the start so I went in "fully aware".

Now...

I feel like I'm always the one pushing to see her. Many times I suggest activities or just hang out together, but there's always something in the way. Whether she has a girls' night out, Happy Hours with her co-workers or just needs "her time", I seem to be the one "making time".

I get it she's independent and all, and I know she told me beforehand. But I think this is a bit over the top... I mean... I always feel like spending time with her, I love her and am deeply attached. I also have my personal activities, but they are never an hindrance and I wouldn't hesitate to reorganize my schedule to accomodate her. It's just... I dunno how to say this...

She says I need to respect myself and not tolerate things that hurt me, but damn...

What are your thoughts? Ever gone out with an independent woman, so much so that it makes you feel like you're below "taking out the trash" on her list of priorities? I may totally be off track here, and she MAY be totally into me, I don't want to make assumptions, but... We chat daily, but meet about 2 times a week.

I'm a dude that never gives up, ever, and I love her and want to be with her. I just feel it's not reciprocated. She has agreed to be exclusive and see how things go, but she doesn't want us to be official just yet. She has talked about me to her best friend, though, for what it's worth.

Anyway... Waiting for your input, guys (and gals!)

Cheers!

Perhaps if he wasn't *pushing* so hard ... it would motivate her to take the initiative once in awhile

Yep!

You're gettin what is called "one-itus", when a man focuses TOO much on one woman. I'd advice you date other women in addition to her, this will take attention away from her and could make you more attractive to her.

January 4, 2016

Thing is, in all my past relationships, my SOs were always available and willing to spend time with me, *especially* at the beginning. Granted, I was much younger (early 20s), but still... Such a level of unavailability is new to me.

This is how it works when people have friends, responsibilities, and lives. Most adults don't drop everything in their life when they meet someone new to date.

I concur with some of the others that 2 dates a week is plenty at this point.

January 4, 2016

When he said he feels like he is always the one *pushing* to see her ....I interpreted it like he is the one to always ask to see her and take the initiative.....I could be wrong.

Perhaps if he wasn't *pushing* so hard ... it would motivate her to take the initiative once in awhile.

OP, stop pushing so hard, give her a moment to breathe for chrissakes..... and let her miss you!

That is how you build attraction.....pushing hard will push most women away....not closer

Especially very independent women.

Just out of curiosity, you say in your prior relationships, the women were always available. How did you feel about "them*?

Did you feel as intense toward them as you do with this girl who is less available?

Did you *love* them and feel as attached to them after only three weeks?

And what happened in those prior relationships ...why did they end?

I felt amazing about them wanting to spend quality time together. This is why I'm stumped at my current situation. And yes, I felt just as intense.

My prior relationships ended because the gal got with me at a very young age (I was young myself as well) and eventually they want to "explore their options). Only the last one waited until she was 28 to do the same (spent 12yrs with her).

January 4, 2016

I am like your girlfriend. How long have you known her? 3-4 weeks? You have seen her 5-6 times? That is quite a lot in a short period of time. Slow down a tiny bit. See her 1-2x a week for a few more weeks and give her time to get attached. It takes me way more than 5 interactions to get attached. Also how much do you interact between dates?

January 4, 2016

Topper: Would you elaborate on what you meant by you need to push her for dates you have with her.

January 4, 2016

Well, the results are in...

According to the general concensus, it would appear that I'm the one not acting "normally". I did not know (or expect) that. I thought finding/making time for someone new was the normal way to go about things. Guess I was wrong.

From then on, I'll let her initiate everything/anything. If she fails to do so within a reasonable time frame, it means she feels nothing for me and I'll cut my losses and walk.

Thanks everyone.

January 4, 2016

Topper: Would you elaborate on what you meant by you need to push her for dates you have with her.

When I suggest we meet for <name your activity here>, it's always a struggle for her to be available. She will ultimately say yes IF and only IF she's not taken by something else (of lesser importance on her scale) AND if she's not in her "I need alone time" phase. If any of these 2 criterias are met, I'm SOL.

January 4, 2016

I am like your girlfriend. How long have you known her? 3-4 weeks? You have seen her 5-6 times? That is quite a lot in a short period of time. Slow down a tiny bit. See her 1-2x a week for a few more weeks and give her time to get attached. It takes me way more than 5 interactions to get attached. Also how much do you interact between dates?

between dates? she only texts...

January 4, 2016

When I suggest we meet for <name your activity here>, it's always a struggle for her to be available. She will ultimately say yes IF and only IF she's not taken by something else (of lesser importance on her scale) AND if she's not in her "I need alone time" phase. If any of these 2 criterias are met, I'm SOL.

I don't remember if you've mentioned your age but if you've been with someone 12 years I imagine you're not 19 any longer. This girl here is good to casually date. She is not in the phase of 'finding someone' but you sound like you are. You need to aim at women 'looking for a relationship'.

I started dating someone 1 month ago. I was serious about finding someone and so he is. It was like a walk in the park. We make time for each other and we've even established exclusivity already.

No, there is not 1 answer fits all. It all depends on what you're looking for and what is your dating style. If you don't establish that early on you will waste a lot of time.

January 4, 2016

Well, the results are in...

According to the general concensus, it would appear that I'm the one not acting "normally". I did not know (or expect) that. I thought finding/making time for someone new was the normal way to go about things. Guess I was wrong.

****From then on, I'll let her initiate everything/anything. If she fails to do so within a reasonable time frame, it means she feels nothing for me and I'll cut my losses and walk.

Okay, that sounds a bit extreme in the other direction!

OP, are you an extremist?

No, you don't let her initiate *everything* from now on, sheesh.

You pull back a bit ....and chill out.

You should still call/text and still inititiate ....just not so much and stop pushing so hard.

Let her breathe and give her a chance to miss you.

Hopefully, she will notice and start stepping up and take some initiative herself.

It should be a healthy balance of give and take.

If she does not step up a bit....then walk.

January 4, 2016

Topper: Have you been intimate yet?

Have you met her online and if yes what is her activity like on there?

January 4, 2016

When I suggest we meet for <name your activity here>, it's always a struggle for her to be available. She will ultimately say yes IF and only IF she's not taken by something else (of lesser importance on her scale) AND if she's not in her "I need alone time" phase. If any of these 2 criterias are met, I'm SOL.

Are you asking her out with sufficient notice, or at the last minute? If she already has plans, she already has plans. I don't see that as her trying to not be available for you. People make plans. You should be asking her about the weekend by Tuesday or Wednesday.

I also agree with Katie that it's a bit extreme to decide to let her initiate everything now because she "only" has time to see you twice a week.

January 4, 2016

she has a very fulfilling life by herself with billions of friends (both genders) and basically, she's very independent and needs lots of "alone time". She had warned me of this right from the start so I went in "fully aware".

To date that kind of women, you need to be equally busy, with activities that are at least as exciting as her.

In the world of dating, you need to impress, and to impress, you need to achieve things at least equal to your partner. In her case, it means seeing your friends and keeping yourself busy.

She won't settle for the not-that-busy guy easily, because she's looking for someone with a similar lifestyle, who can understand her unavailability.

The downside of that kind of girl is that all this activity is extremely attractive, but it also means she won't be closing the door to other dating prospect if they proove to be more compatible with her lifestyle.

January 4, 2016

I am in (or was in) a similar circumstance to you OP.

I met a girl on POF around 6 weeks ago now. We started very slow, met once and talked through text and maybe 1 phone call a week for the first few weeks. I was casually / semi casually dating someone else at the time and this was fine for me. After a few dates, probably by date 3, I realized I really liked this woman, and I could tell she liked me too. The problem was she was also very unavailable. She is an MD and works a lot, was in the process of finding / buying into a private practice, going for continuing ed classes, has a very demanding mother that she supports, etc. She told me that her time is limited and I thought I would see how it go's. Over the course of the past few weeks she has slowly made more time for me, to the point we started seeing each other almost every day at some point. I decided at that point to break it off with the other girl, and focus on building my relationship with her. I just didn't pressure during the first few weeks. I let her initiate most of the conversations, I asked for dates and left it open to "when you have time, lets go to <insert whatever here>" Eventually she would call and tell me she wanted to go.

Everything culminated this past weekend when she invited me out of town with her and her mother to visit some family friends for NYE. They stayed with the friends, I got a hotel, but we spent Thursday through Sunday together. I had an amazing time, despite the awkwardness of being around family members all weekend, and believe me it was awkward. She is middle eastern and has a much different family dynamic than I am used to, but I made it work. I realized this past weekend that I really love this woman, and she told me that she loved me yesterday. Future looks bright for us potentially, time will tell I guess.

So the moral of the story, all is not lost, hopefully. I think your best course of action is to try and find something else to fill your time and let her come to you. When I did this, she slowly started making time for me in her schedule. We still don't get to talk all day every day, and I probably wont see her again for a few days this week, but we both are confident that we are our top priority right now. Hopefully that will happen for you too, but be prepared for it not to.

I wish you all the best my friend.

Edited January 4, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

January 4, 2016

I don't remember if you've mentioned your age but if you've been with someone 12 years I imagine you're not 19 any longer.

I'm 35 (almost 36) while she just turned 33.

January 4, 2016

Okay, that sounds a bit extreme in the other direction!

OP, are you an extremist?

No, you don't let her initiate *everything* from now on, sheesh.

You pull back a bit ....and chill out.

You should still call/text and still inititiate ....just not so much and stop pushing so hard.

Let her breathe and give her a chance to miss you.

Hopefully, she will notice and start stepping up and take some initiative herself.

It should be a healthy balance of give and take.

If she does not step up a bit....then walk.

Yes, yes... Of course I'm still going to be friendly and nice and talk to her, I ain't stopping that. I will just stop arranging for meetups.

January 4, 2016

Topper: Have you been intimate yet?

Have you met her online and if yes what is her activity like on there?

Yes on the first count. And we still are. And it's amazing, LOL!

Met her online, yes. We deleted both our profiles when we agreed to be exclusive.

January 4, 2016

I'm not ready to give up just yet. In fact, I doubt I will. If anything, she'll tell me to f' off before I walk.

It's just that it's the first time in my life that I meet someone who's that *slow* to develop feelings / make time for me. So much so that I'm stumped.

Haven't had that many relationships, and I was much younger in my previous ones. Might explain my current insecurity, might not, I dunno.

I'll keep being the same guy she fell for, with the exception that I won't initiate activities and/or meetups from now on. We'll see if she starts missing me, because I know I do. A lot.

January 4, 2016

Yes on the first count. And we still are. And it's amazing, LOL!

Met her online, yes. We deleted both our profiles when we agreed to be exclusive.

Well dear, you should have said so :-)

That changes perspectives.

I agree now you need to relax and adjust a little to her rhythm. Also slow down on the communication. She needs to miss you and by the same token initiate contact more.

Keep in mind that dating is about finding someone compatible and she may not be it. After all - all of her relationships have failed due to her lack of availability.

January 4, 2016

When I suggest we meet for <name your activity here>, it's always a struggle for her to be available. She will ultimately say yes IF and only IF she's not taken by something else (of lesser importance on her scale) AND if she's not in her "I need alone time" phase. If any of these 2 criterias are met, I'm SOL.

I just read this ^^......and this is absolutely ridiculous.

Dating should be fun.....especially in the early stages! If it is this difficult just getting her to agree to a date ....something is seriously seriously wrong.

Now I am wondering what's up with you .... that you allow yourself to toleare such BS.

She is not interested ...isn't it obvious?

Have some self-respect and just walk away....

Tell her it's not working for ya ....and just block her.

And how, pray tell, did you ever allow yourself to become *attached* to her and fall in *love* with her?

Are you attracted to difficult women and situations? Want what you can't have? What??

Not getting this one at all!

Walk away! Then block.

Edited January 4, 2016 by katiegrl

January 4, 2016

I'm not ready to give up just yet. In fact, I doubt I will. If anything, she'll tell me to f' off before I walk.

*shaking head* So you would stay in an unsatisfying relationship with a constant craving? You need to keep that in check. She's not the last girl on earth to date. You sound like someone just coming out of a relationship with little dating experience.

January 4, 2016

*shaking head* So you would stay in an unsatisfying relationship with a constant craving? You need to keep that in check. She's not the last girl on earth to date.

**You sound like someone just coming out of a relationship with little dating experience.

And little self-respect and self-esteem as well.

Walk away OP and work on yourself.....and ask yourself why you would even consider this unhealthy and unbalanced situation.

Great sex notwithstanding......

January 4, 2016

3 weeks is just not enough time to be really serious.

Since it was the holidays people who live out of town she wants to see so they have priority.

2 times is enough right now...make her chase you and see what her interest level is.

January 4, 2016

OP stop investing yourself so soon with so little to go on and you won't get hurt. Emotionally unavailable people should be avoided not pursued.

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