Deleted User Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) Hey guys... I've been dating this girl for 3 weeks now. I'm 35, she's 33, she has a very fulfilling life by herself with billions of friends (both genders) and basically, she's very independent and needs lots of "alone time". She had warned me of this right from the start so I went in "fully aware". Now... I feel like I'm always the one pushing to see her. Many times I suggest activities or just hang out together, but there's always something in the way. Whether she has a girls' night out, Happy Hours with her co-workers or just needs "her time", I seem to be the one "making time". I get it she's independent and all, and I know she told me beforehand. But I think this is a bit over the top... I mean... I always feel like spending time with her, I love her and am deeply attached. I also have my personal activities, but they are never an hindrance and I wouldn't hesitate to reorganize my schedule to accomodate her. It's just... I dunno how to say this... She says I need to respect myself and not tolerate things that hurt me, but damn... What are your thoughts? Ever gone out with an independent woman, so much so that it makes you feel like you're below "taking out the trash" on her list of priorities? I may totally be off track here, and she MAY be totally into me, I don't want to make assumptions, but... We chat daily, but meet about 2 times a week. I'm a dude that never gives up, ever, and I love her and want to be with her. I just feel it's not reciprocated. She has agreed to be exclusive and see how things go, but she doesn't want us to be official just yet. She has talked about me to her best friend, though, for what it's worth. Anyway... Waiting for your input, guys (and gals!) Cheers! Edited January 4, 2016 by TopperCNC 1
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 What are your thoughts? Ever gone out with an independent woman, so much so that it makes you feel like you're below "taking out the trash" on her list of priorities? I may totally be off track here, and she MAY be totally into me, I don't want to make assumptions, but... We chat daily, but meet about 2 times a week. Anyway... Waiting for your input, guys (and gals!) Cheers! She is not independent, she is just not serious about dating therefore won't make time for it - or - isn't interested enough in you to make time for you. Date someone else. 3 weeks and you love her? *please* 5
BluEyeL Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 At three weeks meeting 2x a week is normal. I woudlnt meet you more at this point. It's too early for what you want. Love? I think you just need to slow down. 7
smudge21 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I recently posted on here and something I left out seems to be similar to what you're experiencing. I get the same lots of contact but when it comes to actually seeing the person there's always that push back. I see it a bit differently though and link her more to her fears of taking things too far/too early/too serious. My "friend" will suggest meet ups, times together, but as the date draws closer I can tell she's about to back away. It's only when it comes to the time that she'll suddenly go either way and we'll meet or won't. I'm facing the same dilemma of thinking how to deal with this - do I push it and risk pushing her away (there other concerns too) or just go with the flow, and pretty much let her take the lead. There's also that third option or backing off a bit, not being as keen as whilst we're chasing, they are not (if you get my meaning). It's always a worry though that if you back off, they may do too, and then you've lost them. It's a tricky one and I reckon a lot of problems like this is because we forget that we are trying to project our own standards on to others. Just because we'd react in a certain way, doesn't mean anyone else would. Yes, she could be totally in to you but just takes things slow (same as mine) but then again may not. For me, I'm in the boat of backing off just a bit, not jumping when she suggests getting together, and instead letting her take the lead on making plans. As others say on here, in any and all relationships there's always two people with two minds and two hearts. You can't just focus on one of them.
Versacehottie Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 At three weeks meeting 2x a week is normal. I woudlnt meet you more at this point. It's too early for what you want. Love? I think you just need to slow down. OMG yes. 2x per week is completely reasonable. Be careful you are smothering her. Her pace is fine. Sounds like you are just asking to see her about every day and don't like the reasons she throws up because you are overly attached. Match her pace. If it's meant to be, she will make more room for you when the time is right. If you love her, you should be able to do this. (sorry that was a little sarcastic--what I mean is you are probably confusing love with whatever else you are really feeling thus the need to be with her more than 2x week; basically you are suffering from insecurity and infatuation). Good luck 2
insert_name Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I've been through this recently and ultimately I lost. I chased a girl who always seemed to be doing this that and the other. I got fed up of initiating everything only to see her prioritise a lot of things above me and it was no surprise that when I stopped initiating she eventually faded away. It sucks but if you have to keep chasing someone to maintain interest then its unsustainable anyway. I think it is a fair observation to make that she will make the time if she wanted to be with someone badly enough. You are also making it easy for her to prioritise other things over you. Talking about it is probably way too much for 3 weeks, you risk being overly dramatic so you need to try and make her wonder aboht what life is like without you by withdrawing a bit and playing hardball about when you see her. If she doesn't respond to this then she is ultimately doing you a favour by showing you early on that your 'relationship' will most likely be one sided and you can then move on before you get in too deep. Remember that this is suspposed to be the honeymoon period, you are supposed to both want to see each other a lot. Someone who isn't making 50% of the effort at this point does not bode well for the future. 3
Author Deleted User Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) In my past relationships, the other half has always wanted to spend as much time as possible with me, especially right at the start. This is why this one is confusing the hell outta me. I may just have to keep being nice and chat daily (which she seems to like), but I'll outright stop suggesting activities from now on. I'll let her take the lead and see what happens. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst. I mean, I'm giving her all the space she needs/asks for... but I feel like I may not be up for such a challenge. I need my girl to show she's "into me" a bit more, or not at all. Like they say... "Don't listen to what they say. Look out for what they do." In this particular case, I hear "let's see how things go", but what I see is someone who doesn't make time. How are we supposed to see how things go if we seldom meet... :/ Edited January 4, 2016 by TopperCNC
Author Deleted User Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 it was no surprise that when I stopped initiating she eventually faded away. It sucks but if you have to keep chasing someone to maintain interest then its unsustainable anyway. This is exactly what I'm hoping to find out by not initiating anymore. Thanks!
xxoo Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Try to chill out and let the relationship unfold. The pace she's asking for is healthy. It should naturally increase with time, until you feel quite secure and connected with each other by 4 months or so. You are rushing things. Anxiety at the beginning of a relationship is normal. There are a lot of big emotions and little stability. that's why it's so exciting! But rushing things isn't the answer. You should try to pace yourself, too, so that things can unfold in a healthy way. 3
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I feel like I'm always the one pushing to see her. I am a busy woman and the man I am dating doesn't need to push me to see me. I initiate contact and I give him my free time. If the person is interested it won't feel like a battle. It will feel like it's something you both want even if it's just 1 or 2 times a week. She says I need to respect myself and not tolerate things that hurt me, but damn... That's an invitation for you to break it with her if you're not happy. That's pretty lame. It shows she doesn't give a heck if you stay or go. Follow her advice and move on. 2
smackie9 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 IMO you shouldn't have to work this hard to have a relationship with someone. I agree with the others, she just isn't that into you or the idea of being serious with someone. I always see it as a red flag when I hear "Want to take things slow"....to me, that just means a lack of interest. 1
insert_name Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 In my past relationships, the other half has always wanted to spend as much time as possible with me, especially right at the start. This is why this one is confusing the hell outta me. I may just have to keep being nice and chat daily (which she seems to like), but I'll outright stop suggesting activities from now on. I'll let her take the lead and see what happens. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst. I mean, I'm giving her all the space she needs/asks for... but I feel like I may not be up for such a challenge. I need my girl to show she's "into me" a bit more, or not at all. Like they say... "Don't listen to what they say. Look out for what they do." In this particular case, I hear "let's see how things go", but what I see is someone who doesn't make time. How are we supposed to see how things go if we seldom meet... :/ Actually I agree with the others about letting things unfold, you can't put any pressure on especially so early on. BUT, let it unfold with a watchful eye. Make sure you allow her to make plans too and give her a chance to show that she is not just a sleeping partner in this situation. My new attitude to dating is to gauge someone's interest by how much effort they put in when they are not with me. Like you say, don't listen to what they say - women are great at giving you their all when they are with you in person, how much you hear from them and how much they initiate contact when you are not with them goes some way to telling you how often they are in your thoughts. For example I met a girl recently who was visibly into me from the start and is everything the girl I wrote about earlier wasn't. She texts me often and gets concerned if I don't reply for a while. Contrast this with the girl from before who I had concerns about because I never heard from her between dates because she was always 'busy' - surprise surprise this girl eventually fades away once I decide I can't keep up the pace of my interest (which wasn't full on at all). Basically, if she is into you you will know about it. If you even have to pose the question of her interest then that in and of itself is bad news IMO.
insert_name Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 IMO you shouldn't have to work this hard to have a relationship with someone. I agree with the others, she just isn't that into you or the idea of being serious with someone. I always see it as a red flag when I hear "Want to take things slow"....to me, that just means a lack of interest. Yep, she is basically telling you "When I mention you to my friends I use the nickname 'Mr. You Will Do For Now'".
Author Deleted User Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Sigh.... This is really depressing. I'll let her take the lead from now on and see where it takes me... I fear I'm in for a world of hurt. Thanks guys... Keep the comments coming.
lolablue17 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 For some people 3 weeks is not long enough to change their habbits. Look what happened in 3 weeks - You got to know eachother, and that woman who has tones of friends, and chose to be exclusive with you. It might be a great chnage for her already. So maybe she needs more time. There is always an option that what you see is what you get, this is who she is and it will never change. It's been a holidays period, I advise you to wait 2-3 more weeks and see if there is any change. If it doesn't change even a bit, that's the time to have the "it doesn't work for you" talk.
insert_name Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Sigh.... This is really depressing. I'll let her take the lead from now on and see where it takes me... I fear I'm in for a world of hurt. Thanks guys... Keep the comments coming. I wouldn't give up...just don't fall for someone like this who is always busy and keep your options open. Those are the key rules that you can't break. How many great love stories start with the words "Lets take it slow" - not many, i would wager.
Author Deleted User Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 She mentioned to me her past relationships have failed mainly because of this (her need for alone time). She hasn't gone on for more than 3.5yr with a guy, and they broke up a couple times during that RS. Whereas in my case, I've been with my last SO for 12yrs. I know a thing or two about commitment and availability. She says she admires me for sticking with my ex thru thick and thin and wishes the same happens to her... and I want nothing more than give it to her... But damn... I mean, I need to feel like I'm up there on my SO's priorities list. Might be my insecurity speaking, I dunno... Cheers!
Author Deleted User Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 I wouldn't give up...just don't fall for someone like this who is always busy and keep your options open. Those are the key rules that you can't break. How many great love stories start with the words "Lets take it slow" - not many, i would wager. I'm not giving up on her. In fact, I've never given up on anyone and I'm not about to start. I'll simply change my approach and be much less available. I'll get back to working overtime like I used to do before I met her. If she doesn't complain or anything, then I'll know what she really thinks.
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 She mentioned to me her past relationships have failed mainly because of this (her need for alone time). Then why ignore this? You're batman and this won't apply to you?
katiegrl Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Personally, in the very beginning, I would only wish to see a guy twice a week, even if I wasn't busy! Dude, you sound intense...and if you are not careful .....and continue badgering her to spend more time ...you are gonna have her (and most women) running for the hills. Three weeks and you already *love* her and are *attached*? That is your problem to deal with, not hers. Chill out a bit and slow down! Twice a week in these early stages is normal and healthy. Work on becoming more independent yourself ....instead of pushing women to conform to your unreasonable demands. It's only been three weeks for heaven's sake.... 5
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Personally, in the very beginning, I would only wish to see a guy twice a week, even if I wasn't busy! Dude, you sound intense...and if you are not careful .....and continue badgering her to spend more time ...you are gonna have her (and most women) running for the hills. Three weeks and you already *love* her and are *attached*? That is your problem to deal with, not hers. Chill out a bit and slow down! Twice a week in these early stages is normal and healthy. Work on becoming more independent yourself ....instead of pushing women to conform to your unreasonable demands. It's only been three weeks for heaven's sake.... I would agree with you under normal circumstances but OP said he needs to practically PUSH HER for those 1 or 2 dates a week.
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 She mentioned to me her past relationships have failed mainly because of this (her need for alone time). Explain to me your thought process here..... This woman told you all of her past relationships have failed because of her unavailability. Here you are on here after 3 weeks dating complaining about - guess what? Her unavailability !! Why do you go after this woman? 1
Author Deleted User Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Then why ignore this? You're batman and this won't apply to you? I simply, somehow, do not want to give up on her. I want to give this some more time. I may very well be wrong and will experience pain, but I feel for her and want to try, for better or for worse. I was just looking for opinions and thoughts... and I surely got them.
Author Deleted User Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Personally, in the very beginning, I would only wish to see a guy twice a week, even if I wasn't busy! Dude, you sound intense...and if you are not careful .....and continue badgering her to spend more time ...you are gonna have her (and most women) running for the hills. Three weeks and you already *love* her and are *attached*? That is your problem to deal with, not hers. Chill out a bit and slow down! Twice a week in these early stages is normal and healthy. Work on becoming more independent yourself ....instead of pushing women to conform to your unreasonable demands. It's only been three weeks for heaven's sake.... Thing is, in all my past relationships, my SOs were always available and willing to spend time with me, *especially* at the beginning. Granted, I was much younger (early 20s), but still... Such a level of unavailability is new to me.
smudge21 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I simply, somehow, do not want to give up on her. I want to give this some more time. I may very well be wrong and will experience pain, but I feel for her and want to try, for better or for worse. I was just looking for opinions and thoughts... and I surely got them. I get this - sometimes, no matter how bad it clearly is, even when you know it's bad and everyone is telling you such, you still have to see it through to the bitter end. I have in the past, and yeah, it's hurt when it's been over, but compared to the times I've walked away early and suffered regret I know what I'd always do. You'll eventually know when you can't deal with it anymore and when it's time to move on. For now, do what feels right but keep that head and heart fully aware of the situation.
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