Honest perspective requested

[spice4life]

I know my post was a bit harsh, but affairs are crazy making situations that skew your view on reality. Ive btdt. You end up doing things (like manipulation and the pick me pick me game) that are out of character just to make sense of it all.

 

What Midwestmissy says below is the reality. The cheater rewrites history when in an affair and becomes a monster to their unsuspecting family. It's easy to discredit someone and not deal with things when you have a safety net to run to.

 

" The marriage went into the sh!**er because if the affair. The whole family was in distress because of him, but the mow would text and we would seem like monsters compared to her."

 

I wouldn't believe what he says about his wife galavanting off on weekend trips while he the poor hubby sits home. My friend told me her husband said the same thing to his xOW and he is the one who was encouraging her to go on these trips.

 

You willingly participated so own it and dont demonize his wife. He is the one who is making her life hell by giving himself an unfair advantage.

Edited January 6, 2016 by spice4life

[seren]

No one, for any reason should expect their child to lie to the other parent to cover up an affair. This speaks volumes about his character, with his profession he will know what emotional damage that will cause. For shame on him for that.

[sandylee1]

No one, for any reason should expect their child to lie to the other parent to cover up an affair. This speaks volumes about his character, with his profession he will know what emotional damage that will cause. For shame on him for that.

 

The problem is that affairs make people loose all integrity.. they lie so much they forget the truth. They loose sight of who they are and cling on to the status they have in the community.. While deep down destroying all that they claim is precious to them.

 

Then when it all blows up they are riddled with guilt and can't bear to look at themselves or the damage they have caused.

 

This is the destructive nature of affairs.. bang goes the parental role model.. and this is the man who would walk his daughter down the aisle... The man who would give her away in marriage to another man..and expect that man to be faithful to his daughter...if that day ever comes for her.... this horrible thing he has done will be on her mind....... yes it's a horrible thing...and whether you like it or not... you are associated with it all.

 

Find yourself a more authentic man .... an available man who at the age of 44 you don't have to sneak around with. Be a person who you are proud of and stop participating in this.

 

If my H ever roped our kids into lying to cover his cheating. .. I'd expose.....divorce and never look back.

[Rea]

The problem is that affairs make people loose all integrity.. they lie so much they forget the truth. They loose sight of who they are and cling on to the status they have in the community.. While deep down destroying all that they claim is precious to them.

 

Then when it all blows up they are riddled with guilt and can't bear to look at themselves or the damage they have caused.

 

This is the destructive nature of affairs.. bang goes the parental role model.. and this is the man who would walk his daughter down the aisle... The man who would give her away in marriage to another man..and expect that man to be faithful to his daughter...if that day ever comes for her.... this horrible thing he has done will be on her mind....... yes it's a horrible thing...and whether you like it or not... you are associated with it all.

 

Find yourself a more authentic man .... an available man who at the age of 44 you don't have to sneak around with. Be a person who you are proud of and stop participating in this.

 

If my H ever roped our kids into lying to cover his cheating. .. I'd expose.....divorce and never look back.

 

How many more times are you going to return to this thread to keep saying the same thing? I really am surprised you'd wish to spend your time doing this.

I don't have dementia, so there really is no need for such repetetiveness.

 

Still, can't say I wasn't warned about the few who just like to hurl bricks

(Repetitively)! I cannot help but wonder what drives someone to do so.

 

Fortunately, these boards seem to dominated more by people who who are here to offer constructive support than to 'Bitch Slap'. They give their opinion in an authentic way that is to offer the requested support/opinion to turn things around.

 

Seems to me that there is a minority that could benefit from reflecting on why they repetively reply to keep saying the same thing. Seems I'm not the only one that could benefit from introspection. Just an observation.

[Furious]

I have been seeing my MM for 15 months. We met at a time when I had just come out of a relationship. I was 44 years old and he was 60 years old - yes 60!

 

 

My teenage daughter was in hospital for six months. He was a Consultant at the hospital. He did a double take when he first saw me. He had no idea who I was, nor I he. We built up a friendship. Nothing happened between us until after my daughter was discharged. I needed some information, so contacted the hospital. He called me personally and invited me to meet.

 

 

He has been married for 32 years, has three adult children and a beautiful, successful wife. He had no issues with his wife and told me his marriage was a happy one. He was completely honest with me about his marriage before anything happened between us. He said that from the moment he laid eyes on me, he wanted me. I felt very confused. I knew I felt the same, but I was dealing with so much emotionally, I could not cope with the thought of an affair.

 

He asked if we could remain friends. We got on so very well, still do. For three months we met for lunch fortnightly, then weekly. It would always end with a passionate kiss. We would text and talk every day. He has given me so much support emotionally, both with my daughter and my separation. He had offered to help me financially, but I refused, telling him I need to stand on my own two feet, even though I find this a struggle. Finally the relationship turned physical. We love and adore each other. We enjoy so many of the same things in life.

 

 

I would marry this man with no hesitation. He struggles to leave his wife and to walk away from the life he has known for so long. I understand that. Last Summer he sent me a very long, rather raunchy text declaring his love for me as he had done so very often, but he mistakenly sent it to his youngest daughter (27). She immediately responded. As he had used my name there was no way of pretending it was for her mother! He told his daughter it was over between us, that he had finished it and begged her not to tell his wife. I was heartbroken. He said we could remain friends, but seeing the pain in his daughters eyes, he could not leave his family. He was truly distressed at the thought of losing me as his lover and best friend.

 

 

We remained in contact as friends, but the next time we met we professed our love for each other again and so the cycle continued.

His wife knows there is something going on. She has on many occasions tried to discuss this with him. She says things like "I hope she makes you happy." He dismisses my existence to her.

 

 

About two months ago his wife called their three children home, unbeknown to my MM. She sat everyone down and quietly catalogued all the reasons she feels their father is cheating on her. He said everyone was upset and devastated. He denied my existence, but said it pained him terribly to do so as he loves me so much. His youngest daughter told him she would not tell her mother, because she knows her mother is struggling with issues to do with their son. He said if it was a straight choice between being with me or his wife, he'd choose to be with me. But his kids have made it clear they will be there for their mother, not him. He leaves her, he leaves the family.

 

Ten days before Christmas he again sent a text to his daughter that was meant for me. She was furious as he had promised her it was over. She has told him she will not talk to her mother about it, but he needs to decide who he wants to be with, still insisting he will lose his relationship with his children if he leaves their mother.

His contact with me has diminished greatly when he is at home since then. He used to text me/call me all the time when he was home. Now he calls me daily on his way home from work. He changed jobs in November which means we see each other every two - three weeks now.

 

 

I have found myself increasingly ignoring his texts/telephone calls.

My period is late this month, which is very unusual. I told him this yesterday and he was actually excited that I could be pregnant. We never use protection as he had chemo treatment for cancer many years ago. He told me that it left him infertile. He has always bitterly regretted this as he has always said he would love for us to have a baby, despite our age. I think he feels if we could, he would have a justifiable reason to renege on his marriage/family as he would have a duty of responsibility to me and our child.

 

 

I took a test this morning which was negative. I have not yet told him of this as he has not yet contacted me since yesterday morning proclaiming his initial excitement at a pregnancy.

 

 

I honestly do believe that he loves and adores me but he cannot bare the thought of walking away from a life he has known so long. It is the fear of the fallout.

Should I walk away now? Should I give an ultimatum? I feel like I am going insane. My work is suffering. I cannot confide in anyone about this. No one would believe that I have gotten myself in such a situation. I have never done anything like this before. I was always the person that would think an affair a horribly despicable thing to enter into.

Oh, until you wear another's shoes and walk their path....

 

 

 

Where to begin..

 

There are so many red flags.

 

First off...it's obvious you were vulnerable...and that in itself attracts manipulators who use your vulnerability to their advantage.

 

Also...how do you know he sent his daughter a raunchy text by mistake. How Do you know it was not another lie unless you have personally spoken to his adult daughter about it? is it possible this is something he has told you to further manipulate you?

 

What about you....why are you investing your heart in someone who you say in other posts that his has cheated many times on his wife. Is this the kind of man you deserve, is cheating with you not any different than the many other women he cheated with?

 

How does that not factor in giving you pause as to his character. He's shown you, he's told you who he is but why do you not see it?

 

I hope you reflect more about yourself and why you'd allow such a liar and deceiver to disrespect you.

 

Often, it's not about trying to figure out the WS but more about why you got involved with a WS in the first place. Giving up self love on order to be loved is not worth the cost.

[Rea]

Where to begin..

 

There are so many red flags.

 

First off...it's obvious you were vulnerable...and that in itself attracts manipulators who use your vulnerability to their advantage.

 

Also...how do you know he sent his daughter a raunchy text by mistake. How Do you know it was not another lie unless you have personally spoken to his adult daughter about it? is it possible this is something he has told you to further manipulate you?

 

What about you....why are you investing your heart in someone who you say in other posts that his has cheated many times on his wife. Is this the kind of man you deserve, is cheating with you not any different than the many other women he cheated with?

 

How does that not factor in giving you pause as to his character. He's shown you, he's told you who he is but why do you not see it?

 

I hope you reflect more about yourself and why you'd allow such a liar and deceiver to disrespect you.

 

Often, it's not about trying to figure out the WS but more about why you got involved with a WS in the first place. Giving up self love on order to be loved is not worth the cost.

 

Thank you for your insight.

You are right about the self reflection. Coming here to this site and posting on this board has been my big first step to recovery. I have been given a lot of perspective by those that have taken the time to respond productively.

 

I have not spoken to his daughter. I do not know his family in person. You are right, I do not know that this was not further manipulation of me on his part. To be honest, since posting here, I'm unsure of everything that he has ever said. This is both painful and liberating, but I am determined to walk a new, less destructive path.

[Midwestmissy]

Rea, my wh told me something interesting he'd been told in IC. Women use sex for attention, men use attention for sex.

 

Obviously a generalization, and not necessarily apt for your situation, but I know of a lot of times I've seen this happen.

 

My wh has learned a lot about himself in IC, and his biggest takeaway so far is that knowing more about himself and his motivations for lying, etc, have made it so easy for him to make better choices. And making better choices, and knowing what the better choice is, has made him have less stress and more happiness. He blamed me and projected a lot on me. He's stopped doing it and his world didn't explode, it got easier.

 

You sound like you've got a good intellectual grip on this - get your heart to follow. Make yourself feel how he pretended to make you feel.

[Rea]

Rea, my wh told me something interesting he'd been told in IC. Women use sex for attention, men use attention for sex.

 

Obviously a generalization, and not necessarily apt for your situation, but I know of a lot of times I've seen this happen.

 

My wh has learned a lot about himself in IC, and his biggest takeaway so far is that knowing more about himself and his motivations for lying, etc, have made it so easy for him to make better choices. And making better choices, and knowing what the better choice is, has made him have less stress and more happiness. He blamed me and projected a lot on me. He's stopped doing it and his world didn't explode, it got easier.

 

You sound like you've got a good intellectual grip on this - get your heart to follow. Make yourself feel how he pretended to make you feel.

 

Midwestmissy that quote makes sense. I think I'd say I sought comfort rather than attention at the beginning. I was at a very low point in my life and MM was there to offer support and comfort. I allowed myself to ignore the fact that he was married and chose to accept his friendship (initially) as a means of support. This was a huge wrongdoing and mistake on my part, because by the time the relationship progressed physically, I had become what felt at that time quite dependant on his support and comfort. Had he not featured in my life, I am absolutely sure I would not be in the emotional mess I am in now.

 

I have never had or condoned affairs before. I still don't, but I am developing a far greater understanding of how people find themselves in these situations, even those that like to take the moral high ground.

 

You never know what will happen in your life that can completely turn your world around. Change you from the stoical person you thought you were.

 

Thank you for not sitting in judgement, at least not openly anyway.

 

Sounds like your wh is making positive progress. I wish you both all the very best.

[amomwhoknows]

Do you think there is any chance that he is lying to you about most o f this?

 

I wonder if text(s) were ever really sent to his daughter or that the mom called the meeting at all? Here is why -- adult kids are loyal to a point, but when the mom called the meeting I am guessing the daughter would have lost it and told.

 

Plus, it is beyond clear (if he is being honest) where her loyalty lies.

 

I wonder (if like many other men who have affairs) he is claiming to be caught to not have to be the bad guy and end the affair. But affairs are addictive, so he keeps coming back to his current source.

 

Finally, if his stories of being caught are true, then he is a jerk of a father to do that to his kid.

 

The part about his kids choosing the mother over him is likely true. Which means your "relationship" if he were to leave his wife would have lots of black clouds over it from the beginning.

 

For you though, this guy is a serial cheater. He owns it. No sugar coating. Even if he leaves his wife, you can expect nothing less until he gets to old to continue his behaviors. And I am guessing, like most men, he is recycling words etc with you that he used in previous affairs. Don't let him waste anymore of your time.

Edited January 6, 2016 by amomwhoknows

[Ms. Faust]

. I still don't, but I am developing a far greater understanding of how people find themselves in these situations, even those that like to take the moral high ground.

 

 

I think saying "moral high ground" is a poor way of phrasing it. Sometimes.. let me rephrase that, often... it is just plain common sense.

 

I have had two events in my life, where I felt strong love and attraction for someone, and they said one thing, or performed one action, and that love (that I once thought was so pure) was gone. It was turned off like a light bulb. It was because they crossed the line, or did something so callous that I realized "this person is deceptive" or "this person is f*cked in the head".

 

There is currently a thread going where a former OW wrote that her AP said he would murder her husband. MURDER her husband. And she is still in love with him. Now if someone said that to me I would say "oohh... ok..." as I slowly backed away and looked for the closest exit.

 

In your case your MM involved his daughter in his deception. His own daughter, someone he was supposed to protect! I am a firm believer in not involving the children, be them adults or not, and this is blatant involvement. This isn't a red flag waving, this is the red flag covering your face, and it is smothering you.

 

Can you imagine the mental or emotional anguish this leaves his daughter? Can you imagine the repercussions AFTER your affair is over? How about if he goes ahead and leaves his wife for you, how do you think she will be to you? Remember, she possibly sees you as the source of her mental pain.

 

Reducing it to "moral high ground" does the situation no justice. You are actively involved in deceiving the wife and any mental anguish on the adult child. You and him, together. This is common sense. Common sense. Which, unfortunately, is not as common as it should be.

[MJJean]

I've been the WW and I've been the BW. The thing I learned from both is that cheaters lie and manipulate. The only way to know they mean what they say in regards to their lives and their feelings is by what they do, minus the excuses they give for why they do/did it.

 

I left my first marriage for my AP. I met my AP in October, we went on our first date in December, it became physical in January and by February I was separated from my ex and he was living elsewhere.

 

My AP and I got married and just celebrated our 13 wedding anniversary December 9th.

 

I realize not everyone can be so decisive, but someone who is sincere about leaving their marriage will start taking steps. And if the affair is exposed somehow, a person sincere about leaving admits to the affair and explains they've been doing XYZ in preparation to leave and will now be leaving.

 

You said he is a psychiatrist? So, he's well versed in how to manipulate to get what he wants. Unless he's taking provable action to back up what he says, I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth without a notarized witness statement proving it's true.

[Rea]

I think saying "moral high ground" is a poor way of phrasing it.

 

Either you have misinterpreted what I was saying here or I have not made myself clear. If it was my lack of clarity, I apologise.

 

So to add some clarity before I get jumped all over I'll explain that I actually meant people like myself who *used* to take the moral high ground about any such behaviour. I had no understanding of how people found themselves in such situations and was actually quite damning of their behaviour. I have changed. No, I do not condone it. I feel terribly ashamed of my part in all this. But is used to be far easier for me to sit in negative judgement than It is now. The tables turned. If they can turn for me, there is a possibility that they could turn for anyone, no matter how good you feel your morals are. Sometimes things in life happen that throw your whole world upside down, skewers your judgement and leaves you emotionally vulnerable. This is not an excuse, it is a fact. I am not the person I used to be 15 months ago. I'll never be that person again. I don't want to go back to being that person. I want to be better than that, healthier than that. For all the damage this affair has done, it has also taught me so much too. Posting on this board has given me so much to consider, and that in itself has been encouragement to move forward without MM.

 

Whether he sent the texts to his daughter or not, I don't know. I cannot undo what is done, no matter how many times the same people wish to continually keep raising it. Yes, I understand how damaging that is to her, IF he actually did it. What can I do about that now other than end it which is why I came here.

I am heeding all the positive, constructive advice/ perspectives. Life is not black and white. Yes - boundaries should have been respected by both of us and they weren't. The only other relationship I have had lasted 25 years. I was NEVER unfaithful.

[Ms. Faust]

It was not clear, but thank you for clarifying. And yes, people can easily become involved in affairs, especially if that is what they are used to. It shames me to admit I have been involved in three.

 

It's sad you have to question whether he did something, such as send the text to his daughter. Makes one wonder why he would lie about something like that.... oh well, such is the way of life with a serial cheater.

 

I still say give him an ultimatum. At least you will (hopefully) know where you stand.

[Rea]

I left my first marriage for my AP. I met my AP in October, we went on our first date in December, it became physical in January and by February I was separated from my ex and he was living elsewhere.

 

My AP and I got married and just celebrated our 13 wedding anniversary December 9th.

 

Congratulations! It was obviously meant to be.

[Rea]

It's sad you have to question whether he did something, such as send the text to his daughter. Makes one wonder why he would lie about something like that.... oh well, such is the way of life with a serial cheater.

 

I still say give him an ultimatum. At least you will (hopefully) know where you stand.

 

Before posting here I would never had doubted him lying about sending the texts, it is others opinions on here that have made me wonder about this. At the end of the day whether he did or he didn't, it is beyond my control to change whether his daughter knows or not. I cannot undo what is done.

 

An ultimatum will not be necessary. I'm a better person than to want to hold onto a man like him. Let's just say I am finally seeing the wood for the trees

 

Still hurts though:(

[Ms. Faust]

Welp... I actually believe that he may have asked the daughter to keep his secret. I can see the manipulation that would have gone into it, namely him putting the idea into her head how much it would ruin her mother and family.

 

But it's a terrible deal either way: if he lied about it, why would he lie? If he didn't lie about it, that still makes him a horrible person for inflicting that kind of pain on his daughter.

 

It's a lose/lose situation no matter how you cut it.

[Rea]

I just want to thank all those that have aided me in a more positive, enlightened thought process. I was struggling terribly this week, but you have helped me gain a much needed perspective. I had taken three days unplanned leave from a very stressful job with an absolute focus to sort myself out ready to start afresh this new year. Many of you who have responded have helped me, probably more than you will know.

 

I know with the pressures of my job coupled with going NC with MM, it will not be conducive for me to frequent this thread/these boards.

 

Happy New Year! May you continue to bless these boards with supportive, positive vibes that are conducive to aid recovery from such situations. In all honesty, I do not know where else I could have taken shelter to vent what I did, but is has been the best first step for me. Xx

Edited January 6, 2016 by Rea
Spelling

[imperfectangel]

I don't believe he text his daughter by mistake. It doesn't happen. It doesn't sound right. I really don't think that it's true and if on a whim it is why didn't he take that chance to leave?

 

While I was waiting for my mm to sort himself out he had three children with his wife (didn't tell me). I had so much invested emotionally and in reality I am in no way shape or form a part of his life.

 

If he can lie to his wife he can lie to you. Learnt that the hard way myself. I was very naive I had know mm since I was 14 - genuinely believed we were "meant to be". I really did believe all the bull he came out with.

 

11 years later I am done. Now 31 I don't have the energy for him anymore. Do I love him? Yes very much but I'm beginning to see its not "real" love that I have for him. I am in love with the person he pretended to be not who he actually is

 

Btw he still hasn't admitted to his third child I saw his profile picture on social media

[MJJean]

Congratulations! It was obviously meant to be.

 

I'm not sure I believe in "meant to be". I do know that I was faced with a choice and I made it.

 

I just want to thank all those that have aided me in a more positive, enlightened thought process. I was struggling terribly this week, but you have helped me gain a much needed perspective. I had taken three days unplanned leave from a very stressful job with an absolute focus to sort myself out ready to start afresh this new year. Many of you who have responded have helped me, probably more than you will know.

 

I know with the pressures of my job coupled with going NC with MM, it will not be conducive for me to frequent this thread/these boards.

 

Happy New Year! May you continue to bless these boards with supportive, positive vibes that are conducive to aid recovery from such situations. In all honesty, I do not know where else I could have taken shelter to vent what I did, but is has been the best first step for me. Xx

 

If you come back, Happy New Year!

 

During this time, pay particular attention to eating healthy foods and keeping hydrated. It is amazing how much nutrition can affect our moods.

[cocorico]

Before posting here I would never had doubted him lying about sending the texts, it is others opinions on here that have made me wonder about this. At the end of the day whether he did or he didn't, it is beyond my control to change whether his daughter knows or not. I cannot undo what is done.

 

An ultimatum will not be necessary. I'm a better person than to want to hold onto a man like him. Let's just say I am finally seeing the wood for the trees

 

Still hurts though:(

 

Rea, you are correct in this. Let him go, and rid yourself of his drama. You are worth much more.

[Babs22]

Like many OW, you know MM loves you. The moments you've spent together, the conversations, the intimacy shared, the look in his eye, the passion in his touch. You've felt it and truly believe that it is real.

 

Like many women, you feel compelled to follow your heart, and you are hoping that he does, too. The problem is that many men just don't feel that presence of love must lead to action.

 

I believe this difference in how the OW & MM view love and what love means is what keeps affairs lasting for years on end. The OW feels "we are in love, so we should be together" and a MM feels "I love OW, but I'm not leaving my marriage or family".

 

What often happens is that OW, who has complete faith that MM loves her, ends up waiting for years, because she believes love conquers all. And if she just waits patiently, he will see that he must follow his heart and make it happen.

 

The problem is that most MM are not compelled to make changes, even when completely in love with the OW. They often don't place romantic love above commitment or an intact family. They enjoy romantic love- it's exciting, fun and intimate- but in their minds, it isn't "big" enough for them to change their whole lives over. It's difficult for women to accept this because we often feel that love is so important to our happiness.

 

So when this dynamic plays out, you often get a never ending affair. You have an OW whose goal is "being together", who is conflicted, sad & confused but still waiting. And you have a MM who is perfectly content with his marriage + OW, and whose goal is to extend the affair as long as possible.

 

As with many OW's early posts on this forum, Rea, you are focused on the love and feel that "he loves me" will be a huge factor in the outcome of this affair, but it's not. It's not about the love.

 

Let's assume that MM genuinely does love you. He has lied to his daughter in an attempt to protect his marriage/ family- twice. He has told you that he cannot renege on his family commitment. My advise to you is- instead of focusing on the love that you know is real & true, focus on what this man is telling you. "Yes, Rea, I do love you BUT my commitment to my family is more important."

 

Focusing on the love is what the MM wants the OW to do. But focusing on the love is what keeps OW in these dead end situations for years, often wasting the best time of their life in an affair. Focus on the facts and MMs actions, and understand that although MM loves you, he could be exploiting that love to serve his own interests- to keep you loving him, while he stays married & keeps his family intact.

 

Wow Quiet Storm, That is exactly how it is to be the OW. The MM won't leave his marriage. Perfectly stated.

 

Rea, I am sorry you are going through so much pain and confusion. You are not alone in feeling this way. I am a MW in love with a MM for 3 years. For the first year of our relationship, I really thought we loved each other so we would obviously end up together. A year in, I almost left my M. I was totally frustrated and angry with my H. My MM called me and said, he was not ready to leave his M and if I left my M, he wanted to make sure I knew I would be going it alone. I did not leave my M, it could possibly still end, but I did not end it then.

 

Even though I know with relative certainty that my MM will never leave his wife, I have not ended the A. Sounds pretty pathetic I know. There are times when I come close to ending it and then the feeling passes and I stay. My MM doesn't even have any kids to consider. He still worries about how this would effect him financially and what his family will think of him. It is not worth it to him to leave his wife for me.

 

You will have to decide what this means in terms for you. Do you stay realizing he doesn't want to end his marriage and most likely never will? Or do you end your A and try to move on and find an available man?

[RySant]

I know I am not supposed to judge here, but am I the only person who see these stories and actions as despicable and horrifying?! And to think these things happen to A LOT of people........ Gosh, why would someone (The guy) would engage in a situation that will wreck a family.

 

I am sorry but the people involved in these kind of situations are doing a very, very deep sense of selfishness. It's like murder but you attack from the inside first.

Edited January 11, 2016 by RySant

[I4givehim]

I know I am not supposed to judge here, but am I the only person who see these stories and actions as despicable and horrifying?! And to think these things happen to A LOT of people........ Gosh, why would someone (The guy) would engage in a situation that will wreck a family.

 

I am sorry but the people involved in these kind of situations are doing a very, very deep sense of selfishness. It's like murder but you attack from the inside first.

 

I never believed stuff like this went on Until my STBXH had an affair on me. IT is awful. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy.

I have learned NEVER SAY NEVER IN LIFE...

[kieraglass]

Rea,

 

Your situation mirrors mine. However, I did indeed become pregnant a year and a half or so, in, about twenty months into the affair. We were both married. My MM was elated. I thought at the time it was because he loved me, but I see now, as you said, it may have been because it would finally compel him to get off the fence and leave, by force of hand.

 

I left my marriage wanting to do right by the baby. I was 42. Half term I went into premature labor and our son died. He was still at home married, still making deadlines and not meeting them. All his elation over the baby and he never even came to be by my side in hospital. They are not authentic people, these men who juggle their realities. We think, because we are authentic, that they must be as well. We think, because we love and risk so much, that it must be, will be, someday, mutual, but we're deluded. They're incredibly adept at the half in, half out game, on us, on their families, on their long spouse. .. They are damaged, manipulative people, and we are caught in their web of fantasy and lies.

 

My MM is still there now a year and a half later, after our son's passing. And I am still in limbo. Crushed. Unwilling to move on after all I went through for him, thinking, every day, what if he does leave for me? How can I end it, with that possible future? On and on it goes, the someday carrot dangling. Meanwhile, I am celebrating our child's first birthday, by lighting a memory candle, alone this weekend, while he is with his family.

 

Don't let this happen to you, Rea. At the very least, get on birth control. Please. This was the worst experience of my life, trusting him, and his promises. Trusting his joy at my pregnancy.

 

The compassionate responses to your post have been insightful, and they have helped me see things even more clearly. I'm thankful to your responders.

 

 

I don't think your MM will ever leave, and i don't think mine will, either. I've been in this hell nearly two years since I peed on that stick. Don't waste two more years, as I did. I implore you. I'm so different now, so low. I want out more than I've ever wanted anything and yet, I remain, dehumanized. I'm changed to my very core. I hope you are stronger than me and stop this before you waste so much more of your life.

 

I'd do anything to go back. I know I have the power in me to change my now but I simply don't know how. All affairs weaken our self esteem to some degree. Otherwise we wouldn't continue holding on. But this has been catastrophic. Get out. It's all I can say. And btw? I'm not sure, either, if he truly texted his daughter accidentally even once, never mind twice. Mine had a couple of drama stories and close calls as well, stories I believe he concocted to distance himself for a time from the chaos of our affair. It's called a side exit. Sometimes they need a dramatic,albeit entirely fake, excuse, so you won't flip out. It's common.

 

I wish you so very well, rea. I'm so sorry you are in this place with the rest of us.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Kiera, I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. You've given me a lot to think about. I wish you peace.