Stay Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I met this girl and it's been a few months since I've known her. We hang out a lot and our relationship has progressed more than I would've though. I met people in her life that I never would've met if it wasn't going somewhere. We do relationship/dating things and spend nights together. Talk about the future and what we want, tell about how much we like each other, etc. I feel really good about it and everything is going well. The only thing is her last long term relationship ended under a year ago and when we got on the topic of taking it to the next level but she explained to me she wanted more time to heal and be herself. We also are exclusively seeing each other only so I don't think it's because she wants to see other people. I've been through it and understand where she's coming from and also already anticipated this going very slowly as I wanted her to be fully ready for a new relationship if there were to be one. So my question is would you think it's really because she genuinely wants to take her time and not rush it? I just don't want to be put on hold and dragged along. I feel if I was being dragged along then she wouldn't agree to talking about what we want in the future, invite me to places with her friends, agree to go places with my friends, plan future things we could do together, etc.
Shining One Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 we got on the topic of taking it to the next levelWhat is the next level? Where exactly is she drawing the line right now?
PPan Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 What is the next level? Where exactly is she drawing the line right now? He's probably talking about sex. It amazes me how many guys there are who give everything and then wait it out for sex to happen. Dude, if the girl is taking her time she is not attracted to you. You say she is taking her time and healing? Funny how she's already emotionally prepared to get the benefits of having a relationship without providing what you want. She either has a low libido or is not attracted to you. And let me guess. Both of you are in your early 20s but she wants to take things slowly
Author Stay Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 What is the next level? Where exactly is she drawing the line right now? He's probably talking about sex. It amazes me how many guys there are who give everything and then wait it out for sex to happen. Dude, if the girl is taking her time she is not attracted to you. You say she is taking her time and healing? Funny how she's already emotionally prepared to get the benefits of having a relationship without providing what you want. She either has a low libido or is not attracted to you. And let me guess. Both of you are in your early 20s but she wants to take things slowly No not sex, we already have sex... a lot of it. And we're not in our early 20s. Next level as in boyfriend and girlfriend. I'd say we're basically like boyfriend/girlfriend without being official with the things we do.
PPan Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 No not sex, we already have sex... a lot of it. And we're not in our early 20s. Next level as in boyfriend and girlfriend. I'd say we're basically like boyfriend/girlfriend without being official with the things we do. Oh, then. Well, why not just let things flow and see what happens? No need to put a name to it right now. 1
Shining One Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 No not sex, we already have sex... a lot of it. And we're not in our early 20s. Next level as in boyfriend and girlfriend. I'd say we're basically like boyfriend/girlfriend without being official with the things we do.In this situation, I would be patient since labels are meaningless to me. You need to determine if the label is important to you. As you've mentioned, you're boyfriend/girlfriend in everything but name. What do you gain by pushing this? 1
Author Stay Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 Oh, then. Well, why not just let things flow and see what happens? No need to put a name to it right now. In this situation, I would be patient since labels are meaningless to me. You need to determine if the label is important to you. As you've mentioned, you're boyfriend/girlfriend in everything but name. What do you gain by pushing this? That's what I was thinking, just needed some confirmation from outsiders. I was hoping I wasn't blind and it actually being one of those relationships where a person is being dragged along. I don't really care for the labels either, was just curious if it's something I could continue to do along the same path or something I need to rethink.
Terry8889 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 The only reason I would act this way with a guy is because I still have feelingsfor the ex but even then I would just move on with the person who is giving me his time, love and attention at the moment (you). Years ago I wascrazy in love with this guy, couldn't see myself without him but he dumped me. I struggled with my feelings for a bit and the I met some one else a few months later, I quickly moved on and got into this new official relationship. So Idk what kind of issue she has forgetting this ex, and no good will come out of the situation if you keep letting her drag you. I bet she has some kind of hope of going back with him and that is why she doesn't want to get emotionally invested with you. Maybe she has some kind of contact with this guy and he is keeping her hopes up. I mean that is the only scenario a women would be still stuck with the memories of a past relationship. I am talking from my perspective. Anyways I think you should move on, she is not offering you what you want from her, and she has already made it clear that she won't for a while or maybe she never will. She is getting the milk and cookies for free so why would she buy the cow. The only scenario that might make her "wake up" is if you end things and distance yourself from her, then she will see what she had lost and realize what she really wants in her life, OR she might not care that you're gone, either scenario will be a win win for you. She might realize she wants to commit to you and you can happily continue together or she can continue "healing" and you can move on and find someone else. Good luck! 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 Here's the thing: She's scared. Of commitment, and the 'rebound' situation. If you're already doing everything a BF/GF would do in an 'official exclusive' relationship, and you're together, seeing just one another on a very regular basis, exchanging words of affection, holding hands, planning stuff together - then this IS a BF/GF relationship. Her 'taking things slow' is a fear of labelling, because she has cold feet and doesn't want to jinx it. If her previous relationship is recent, she doesn't want to investigate the possibility that you are a 'rebound'. Therefore, in her mind, she's containing this reality on a level of 'we're just dating and taking it slow'. But if, as you say you have been physically active, regularly and with no inhibitions, and you're not seeing anyone else, she's not seeing anyone else, then I would pretty much take the initiative and tell her that, while you understand her need to 'take things slow' she needs to quietly remember that there are TWO people involved in this scenario, and you have every right to view things in the way you do. While you 'get' her reticence and reluctance - you're in, no two ways about it. You're committed and set to go. I take it that IS the case, of course.....? 1
Author Stay Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 The only reason I would act this way with a guy is because I still have feelingsfor the ex but even then I would just move on with the person who is giving me his time, love and attention at the moment (you). Years ago I wascrazy in love with this guy, couldn't see myself without him but he dumped me. I struggled with my feelings for a bit and the I met some one else a few months later, I quickly moved on and got into this new official relationship. So Idk what kind of issue she has forgetting this ex, and no good will come out of the situation if you keep letting her drag you. I bet she has some kind of hope of going back with him and that is why she doesn't want to get emotionally invested with you. Maybe she has some kind of contact with this guy and he is keeping her hopes up. I mean that is the only scenario a women would be still stuck with the memories of a past relationship. I am talking from my perspective. Anyways I think you should move on, she is not offering you what you want from her, and she has already made it clear that she won't for a while or maybe she never will. She is getting the milk and cookies for free so why would she buy the cow. The only scenario that might make her "wake up" is if you end things and distance yourself from her, then she will see what she had lost and realize what she really wants in her life, OR she might not care that you're gone, either scenario will be a win win for you. She might realize she wants to commit to you and you can happily continue together or she can continue "healing" and you can move on and find someone else. Good luck! I understand where you're coming from but I don't think this is the case at all. There's no going back, she left him because it was something that wouldn't work out for the future. She has feelings for him still, yes I probably would think so as no one would be able to just lose them like that. But as breakups like these go, one person usually already has broken up in their mind before the actual breakup happened, in this case her. Here's the thing: She's scared. Of commitment, and the 'rebound' situation. If you're already doing everything a BF/GF would do in an 'official exclusive' relationship, and you're together, seeing just one another on a very regular basis, exchanging words of affection, holding hands, planning stuff together - then this IS a BF/GF relationship. Her 'taking things slow' is a fear of labelling, because she has cold feet and doesn't want to jinx it. If her previous relationship is recent, she doesn't want to investigate the possibility that you are a 'rebound'. Therefore, in her mind, she's containing this reality on a level of 'we're just dating and taking it slow'. But if, as you say you have been physically active, regularly and with no inhibitions, and you're not seeing anyone else, she's not seeing anyone else, then I would pretty much take the initiative and tell her that, while you understand her need to 'take things slow' she needs to quietly remember that there are TWO people involved in this scenario, and you have every right to view things in the way you do. While you 'get' her reticence and reluctance - you're in, no two ways about it. You're committed and set to go. I take it that IS the case, of course.....? This makes sense but I'd feel a little like I'm forcing her to commit and label things so. That's the one thing I don't want to have her feel is forced to be in a official relationship so soon. Unless I'm just thinking it incorrectly and it's more of wording it in a way that makes her realize she's already in one just without the label?
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 She is not scared She doesn't need time You are simply not the one for her. There is no such a thing at 'controlling' our feelings. You're in the zone with someone or you are not. She divorced a year ago it's not like she did a month ago. You are her emotional band-aid. She uses you for all the good stuff: feeling of security, companionship, sex, time filler and that's it. Being boyfriend-girlfriend is not a marriage. There is nothing scary about being girlfriend-boyfriend. If it doesn't work out you simply break up. So what is scary to her? She doesn't want to officially 'not be single'. She doesn't want to be viewed publicly as 'taken'. She is keeping her options open. Why? because you're not the one. I know, I've been there. I gave the man 1 year. We were exclusive, we did what couples do but he would not meet my family or me meet his. He swore he only needed time. I broke it up after 1 year. Shortly after he met a woman to whom he gave his full commitment, met her sons and family, and was happy to call her his girlfriend in front of the entire world.
Author Stay Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 She is not scared She doesn't need time You are simply not the one for her. There is no such a thing at 'controlling' our feelings. You're in the zone with someone or you are not. She divorced a year ago it's not like she did a month ago. You are her emotional band-aid. She uses you for all the good stuff: feeling of security, companionship, sex, time filler and that's it. Being boyfriend-girlfriend is not a marriage. There is nothing scary about being girlfriend-boyfriend. If it doesn't work out you simply break up. So what is scary to her? She doesn't want to officially 'not be single'. She doesn't want to be viewed publicly as 'taken'. She is keeping her options open. Why? because you're not the one. I know, I've been there. I gave the man 1 year. We were exclusive, we did what couples do but he would not meet my family or me meet his. He swore he only needed time. I broke it up after 1 year. Shortly after he met a woman to whom he gave his full commitment, met her sons and family, and was happy to call her his girlfriend in front of the entire world. I did leave some details out. What if I told you I've met some of her important family members already? And she has told me she'd like me to meet more of her friends and family? She also has interest in meeting my family and is genuinely curious how my family is like.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I did leave some details out. What if I told you I've met some of her important family members already? And she has told me she'd like me to meet more of her friends and family? She also has interest in meeting my family and is genuinely curious how my family is like. I'd say (although you're not asking me,) to pursue matters as I outlined in MY post. Time you took a stance and stood your ground, but that's just my opinion....
lolablue17 Posted January 4, 2016 Posted January 4, 2016 I advice you to show her that it bothers you, but in a fun way. When you go out you can order coffee for you and espresso for "my girlfriend - Oops, sorry, i'm not allowed to call my girlfriend of few month a girlfriend, so can I get an espresso to my "not girlfriend". (This is of course my poor english, nut i'm sure you got it). After few days of making 2-3 jokes a day, she will understand that you're not Ok with it, unless she's stupid. She will have to make a stand, and understand that there is another person in the equation but her, and she might lose you.
Author Stay Posted January 4, 2016 Author Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) I'd say (although you're not asking me,) to pursue matters as I outlined in MY post. Time you took a stance and stood your ground, but that's just my opinion.... Just making sure what I got from your post is make her realize that we're technically in a boyfriend/girlfriend thing and we're pretty much together and stand by that? Basically telling her that we're just in one without the label? If so that's what I was thinking already and that sounds very likely what is going to happen. I genuinely feel a lot coming from her but at the same thing I feel like she has some loose ends she might need to sort out before fully committing. I advice you to show her that it bothers you, but in a fun way. When you go out you can order coffee for you and espresso for "my girlfriend - Oops, sorry, i'm not allowed to call my girlfriend of few month a girlfriend, so can I get an espresso to my "not girlfriend". (This is of course my poor english, nut i'm sure you got it). After few days of making 2-3 jokes a day, she will understand that you're not Ok with it, unless she's stupid. She will have to make a stand, and understand that there is another person in the equation but her, and she might lose you. I like this. It's a really good way to make it known without pushing it too much. Edited January 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
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