Jump to content

Trying to reconcile with WS but swinging coming into play


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I'll try to be brief in my history here bc I really want to get to my questions... 6 years ago, I found out my WS had a one night stand. I found proof on computer. We did marriage counseling and she suggested we were sexually incompatible. My husband is and remains my first. At the time, and preceding, he always asked if I'd be into threesome. From then on, we've talked dirty in bed about that of even swinging, but never did so. Obviously, we had R then and pledged to build trust again.... Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. After being distant for several months, WS said he was thinking of leaving. Said he didn't think he'd ever make me happy, I still sometimes question him and do not fully trust. I told him to stay and work this out. THEN right after Christmas I discovered he was basically having emotional affair with girl online. Told him he needed to end it with her or leave. Today told me he was ending it and wants to work on marriage....

 

So tonight I started asking questions after he stated asking if I thought we should try swinging. I asked if his interest in swinging was just a way to have sex with someone else so that I can't judge him bc I'm involved too, or if he wants me to get pleasure from it too. He said, I guess it's both those reasons. I told him that I feel he ranks sex so high in his needs and I don't. I will say that I've talked about the possibility of threesomes, swinging, etc., with him so I think he's trying to see how serious I am. So, here are my questions...

 

1. I am worried that I will not ever be able to satisfy him unless I give into all the talk and try swinging. Is it worth it just to try? What if I hate it?

 

2. I feel like I should go out and hook up with a random guy to a) put him in my shoes for once and b) see if I'm ok with that before a swinging thing. Thoughts?

 

3. He and I are worried I will not trust him again. I can't ever stop asking questions. But as the BS, I feel is my right. When and how do I stop focusing on the past?

 

4. I am for the first time wondering if 6 years ago, the sexual incompatibility thing was a bigger deal than I thought. What do you think my chances are her for reconciliation?

Posted

Against what you're proposing for reasons more practical than moral.

 

As you can attest, it's difficult enough for a relationship to serve the wants, needs and desires of two people. Introduce more players, especially in a situation where one partner participates reluctantly, and the chances for resentment and alienation are off the scale.

 

Either work on your marriage or end it. Don't make an already tough challenge even more complex and difficult...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 6
Posted

swinging can be good for couples that have a solid relationship with great communication, mutual respect and compassion, a satisfying sexlife, very solid trust and both parties have buy-in to the idea.

 

 

You two do not have that. Swinging would likely blow your marriage up very quickly.

 

 

Swinging does not save marriages and it is absolutely not therapy.

 

 

When people have sexual issues and relationship problems, the treatment for that is counseling/therapy, not bringing other people into your bed.

 

 

And the idea of picking up some dude to give him a taste of his own medicine is really bad. Revenge affairs create even more problems.

  • Like 5
Posted

Ask him if you don't want any part of swinging would he still want this marriage? Because I can see that you really don't want it.

 

Is there going to be something missing that he'd seeks again leading him to cheat? He needs to be honest with you.

 

Is it his higher desire that's the issue or the type of sex that he wants?

 

Is it his attraction to you?

Is your relationship missing an emotional connection?

 

Is he really just looking for excitement and the new relationship feeling?

 

Not that I think it's a good idea.. but has he mentioned an open marriage? Is he really okay with you having sex with another man?

 

You have to get to the root of the issue before you go any further.

 

You may find you actually like being with another man more than your H.. it's not a good idea to go there unless you want your head messed up.

  • Like 1
Posted

I have seen too many marriages fall apart once they became open.

 

 

You do not want an open marriage.

 

 

To do so just to make your WH happy will not make you happy.

 

 

Three reasons to not open your marriage.

Posted

I'm just curious as what's so damned wonderful about your cheating, opportunist husband that you're willing to completely swallow your pride for him?

 

 

He and I are worried I will not trust him again. I can't ever stop asking questions. But as the BS, I feel is my right. When and how do I stop focusing on the past?

Quite honestly, he doesn't sound too worried about your concerns. He just doesn't want to hear you nagging about it, is all. He's looking to put his hands on any female you two can manage to drag into your house, is all.

 

 

Good luck finding a 'unicorn' who plays alone and happily joins in with couples for threesomes. They're very rare - thus the term, 'unicorn.'

 

 

If I were you, I'd suggest an MFM to your husband. Since he has no qualms about wanting a woman for a threesome, I'd tell him you want this first.

 

 

This guy is such a sleaze. Why you can't see that is beyond me

Posted

Don't swing and don't do threesomes. It's not worth it to try for someone with your experience level and your history. The only reason you're even asking about swinging, you hooking up outside the marriage, etc., is to deal with the problems of mistrust and dissatisfaction that were created by him. And as others with experience have pointed out, such experiences are not therapeutic and they don't fix problems. They are huge challenges that will likely create more and bigger and different problems......the difference being that now you will have had a hand in ****ing up the marriage and the r/s and I'm wondering if your H likes the sound of that. He'd have something new to blame on YOU (instead of you picking on his A all the time). Anyhow, don't do it. Find your boundaries and let your H know with great clarity where they are.

  • Like 2
Posted

Penn,

 

Just ask yourself why you would want to put aside your beliefs and enter into an arrangement that you have no desire for just to try to placate a man that obviously is only interested in his own needs.

 

First of all, any form of non monogamy I usually a recipe for total disaster when both parties are not totally onboard, and if you take his ass to a reputable "swingers convention" or website, that is the first thing they will tell you. It does not cure marital issues but cracks them wide open. But my guess he will care not a bit about that line of thought.

 

The funny thing is a lot of guys who just think this is a way to get. Some strange without "cheating" become horrified when their wives actually go through with it, like it, and refuse to stop. And if you read up on it, you will undoubtedly find out that if you enter non monogamy, you will have many more opportunities than him. Of course, then he will want to stop.

 

Before you make any decisions, I suggest you read to books

"More Than Two"

" Opening Up"

 

Both written by PHD,s and go through every situation you can encounter in this world you are contemplating being dragged into.

 

Of course, I also suggest you hold your ground and do not do it.

Posted

There is a very basic reality here: Your husband wants to have sex with other women. The swinging thing is only so he can screw other women. He doesn't care about your feelings at all. I generally recommend fixing what is broken, but I think you are fighting a losing battle here. Don't go into swinging unless you really like having sex with strangers. Some do. I just don't get the feeling you would be into that. Don't foresake your values for him.

  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted

Ugh. You all make really great points. I guess the hard part is this. I've talked about being interested in a threesome Or possibly Trying swinging for years. But I'm all talk. I do admit I fantasize about having sex with other men while I masturbate. So inside, I guess I always thought there was a possibility. I think my WS is ready to do it. And yes, he wants to have sex with other women. But isn't that the point of swinging? I know he sounds like an ass. And I'm upset. However, this sounds trite, but we really do not argue about anything else. He's a great dad. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple.....of course they don't know our sex issues. I feel like maybe sex therapy might help. I definitely want to spice things up, I just can't take the singing plunge right now. I feel confused.

Posted
Ugh. You all make really great points. I guess the hard part is this. I've talked about being interested in a threesome Or possibly Trying swinging for years. But I'm all talk. I do admit I fantasize about having sex with other men while I masturbate. So inside, I guess I always thought there was a possibility. I think my WS is ready to do it. And yes, he wants to have sex with other women. But isn't that the point of swinging? I know he sounds like an ass. And I'm upset. However, this sounds trite, but we really do not argue about anything else. He's a great dad. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple.....of course they don't know our sex issues. I feel like maybe sex therapy might help. I definitely want to spice things up, I just can't take the singing plunge right now. I feel confused.

 

The number one rule of sex is to do only what you are comfortable with and nothing more. I'm not saying you shouldn't be adventurous, but don't force yourself into something you don't feel comfortable with. If you eventually want to try swinging or threesomes, do so. But only do so because both of you really WANT to. Ask yourself if you will be okay seeing your husband having sex with other women. Ask yourself if you can truly separate sex from emotional attachment. For me, the best sex comes from loving the person I am with. I had a few ONS in college, but honestly they weren't that great. But then, that's me and not you. It all comes down to what YOU want.

Posted
I do admit I fantasize about having sex with other men while I masturbate.

That's normal, safe, and as wholesome as apple pie. You control the fantasy and therefore it's always 100% what you want. No need to make the fantasy real, as that's when the risk and downside comes in.

Posted

Do not ever do anything to compromise your morals or ethics...even for the man you "love"....and if HE respected and loved you for who you are...he would NEVER ask you to.

 

He either loves you for who you are...or you kick him to the curb....because he will cheat no matter what.

Posted

I have seen to many marriages end because of threesomes and being open.

 

 

Open marriages do not save marriages.

 

 

A person should never go into an open marriage to make their spouse happy.

Posted
here are my questions...

 

1. I am worried that I will not ever be able to satisfy him unless I give into all the talk and try swinging. Is it worth it just to try? What if I hate it?

As a male, if my wife engaged in swinging I would never respect or admire her to a high degree.

 

 

 

2. I feel like I should go out and hook up with a random guy to a) put him in my shoes for once and b) see if I'm ok with that before a swinging thing. Thoughts?

If you hooked up with another guy then you would possibly get some sweet revenge and get his attention but great damage would be done to the marriage and to you. In the long run you would lose more than you gain.

 

 

 

3. He and I are worried I will not trust him again. I can't ever stop asking questions. But as the BS, I feel is my right. When and how do I stop focusing on the past?

It is possible for you to lessen your focus on the pass AFTER your spouse proves for YEARS with strong and consistent actions that you are more important to him than his selfish sex fantasies.

 

 

 

 

 

4. I am for the first time wondering if 6 years ago; the sexual incompatibility thing was a bigger deal than I thought. What do you think my chances are her for reconciliation?

Your chances are 50/50 at best. He has proven several times through your relationship that he will allow himself to desire another woman over you. He did not commit a one-night-stand, become remorseful, and proved with actions, that he will choose you above his selfish sex desires. He is a serial betrayer.

Posted (edited)

Relationships with hypersexuals rarely work out unless both partners are hypersexual. This isn't really about your partner's sexual needs as much as it is his selfishness and lack of impulse control.

 

He is never going to change, so now you need to decide if you are going to allow him to change you. Trust me, if you were jealous or hurt his by affairs, I can't imagine you are going to be comfortable watching him kiss, carass, and pleasure other women. He also doesn't seem like the type that will ultimately know when to stop and will soon be under someone else's spell. It's a very, very dangerous game with major consequences for everyone involved.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but things just aren't going to work out with this guy. It's nothing personal with you, but he will never be satisfied with anyone or any kind of sex. His brain is wired for wanting MORE, MORE, MORE. That's his burden to carry, not yours.

 

I've seen non-monogamous couples work and this is not what it looks like. Adding another layer of drama on top of this already disfunctional relationship will only make things worse. He'll freak out with jealousy once he sees some other guy railing you and you'll be left sick thinking about how betrayed your values for this loser. It's a no-win situation for everyone involved.

 

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."

― Friedrich Nietzsche

Edited by HereNorThere
  • Like 1
Posted

No to the threesome thing. First, you may masturbate whilst fantasizing to another man, but the threesome will involve another woman, not a guy. You will be having sex with another woman. Is this really where you want to go? Also, if you do the threesome thing, you will be ruining yourself for getting with a decent guy after your marriage fails and you divorce your present husband. Why make it harder for yourself to find a good man to love in the future. Having a threesome is kinda like cutting off your nose to spite your face... :(

Posted
I will say that I've talked about the possibility of threesomes, swinging, etc., with him so I think he's trying to see how serious I am.
Tell him that you will OK having a threesome, but only if you get to pick the guy, and see how he reacts. Tell him that last time he got to experience another woman, now it is your turn. Fair is fair.
Posted
I have seen to many marriages end because of threesomes and being open.

 

 

Open marriages do not save marriages.

 

 

A person should never go into an open marriage to make their spouse happy.

 

While I have seen many open marriages, swinger's marriages, and couples having threesomes survive and thrive in such scenarios, I agree completely with the rest of what you said.

 

 

I will also point out that closed marriages and monogamy do not "save" marriages - committed partners working together make - or save - their marriage.

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

I have to say, I am in a similar situation, as the dissatisfied husband. It is a really tough situation, and not a lot of support for the guy who wants to sleep around that's for sure. Sexual incompatibility maybe, and it is pretty tough to live with. My wife has tried to be interested in sex and we've spiced things up a few times, maybe half a dozen in the past three years. I love her completely and when sex is on, it is amazing. But without the desire, it is tough to be in the relationship.

 

So, I've brought up several times the possibility of an open relationship, and we've seriously considered it, but as most posters here are saying, we've decided it would likely create more problems in an already unstable situation.

 

If I could give you the advice I wish someone could give to my wife, it would be to take the situation by the horns and figure out what your man needs and give it to him. Then tell him exactly what you need and make sure he gives it to you. Hopefully those needs are not at odds. In my situation, I need more intimacy and she needs more space. It is pretty tough and maybe irreconcilable.

 

What is relationship all about if not helping each other be fulfilled in life? I know sex isn't everything, but it's something, right? Dr. Phil says sex is only 10% of a relationship, but it's 90% of the problem if you aren't having it.

 

You do have to do what is right for you. I can't make my wife want to have sex with me. And she's tried and she says she just feels like she is being raped. We also have a kid together, and otherwise have a great friendship and don't fight about much else. It's excruciating that this is a deal breaker. I really am questioning if I can live in a sexless marriage. It seems like it totally sucks, but so does breaking up, which is what we are doing right now.

 

I hope some readers can have compassion for the OPs husband, because I am living it right now, and it's not just wanting to sleep around. It comes from profound feelings of lack in the relationship and trying to find ways around it. I am and have been completely committed to her and our relationship throughout. I feel like I've given everything I have, and haven't found any solution other than to give up on sex. I have a high sex drive, and don't want to be ruled by it, but also think that it shouldn't be impossible either. It is really a quandary.

 

I truly wish she would just let me sleep with other women, but it is probably completely selfish and she would hate it. But she doesn't want to sleep with me either so she is forcing me to change my life to suit her. Also kind of selfish. I would be completely happy not sleeping with other women, if she actually wanted to sleep with me.

 

So, how do you change your sex drive, take some pills or herbs to reduce my desire?? Is that what is right?

 

It's really tough and I hope that you guys can work it out. Let me know if you come up with a good solution, because we could sure use one.

Posted
My wife has tried to be interested in sex and we've spiced things up a few times, maybe half a dozen in the past three years.

 

How often do you have sex? How often would you like to?

 

You'll get more - and better - better feedback if you start your own thread...

 

Mr. Lucky

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...