Just got dumped today...thoughts on sending "final words" to her?

[lolablue17]

It was an ego battle. She won, you lost. She was a better player than you. It's hard to lose, i know the feeling, it happened to me at least twice - dumping a woman, taking her back just to be dumped after a short time.

 

So in this round you lost. The letter you want to write will not make you a winner. Next time please improve your defence, and plan a better game strategy.

 

You got great advices here. (to wait with the letter, or just writing it without sending). Follow them, and good luck on your next game :)

[spriggan2]

Blue, if you were trying to help, thanks. But I'd appreciate it if you stay out of this thread. I'm not ready to stomach cavalier smugness just yet. In my frame of mind it's coming across as sadistic, and it's not helping, at all, no matter how much truth it may or may not hold. Goodbye.

[lolablue17]

sorry, I was just trying (unsuccessfully) to be funny to cheer you up... I know how bad you feel. I deeply appologize.

[spriggan2]

Ok no worries, Blue. I'm just not in the best place right now.

 

Anyway,

 

Thought I was letting go, but the resentment flared up again and here's the letter it brought out of me this time...

 

"I have two things I wanted to say. One is that I’m sorry for getting mopey towards the end. Was bullsh-t. Couldn’t figure out how to get comfortable with the tenuous status of our relationship, or how to tactfully bring up (or sometimes even identify) issues that bothered me. It manifested in some passive aggressive moodiness that I’m sure must have been unpleasant to deal with. So I apologize.

 

Second. Don’t know the best way to put this, but I thought you were pretty mean to me at times, particularly when we were together. I’m frustrated at myself for being too weak to push back, but also frustrated at you for what I perceived to be a lack of empathy or desire to at least treat me with respect.

 

Now that we’re done I can tell you weren’t happy in the relationship. I think breaking up and remaining out of contact is more than wise, but this is an attempt to vent to you, and let go of lingering resentment, because I believe deep down I’m glad I met you and I don’t want that feeling to turn sour."

 

Dont know if I can delete it in 48

Edited January 13, 2016 by spriggan2

[Blanco]

Feel those things. Think those things. Write down those things. But never send her those things.

[Chi townD]

I agree with Blanco. Writing all of this down is very therapeutic, and this is a safe place for you to do so. But, I wouldn't send her anything. Your silence will speak more than your words. When you are silent, you give her NOTHING. She has no idea how you feel, she doesn't know where your head is at, she doesn't know if you're angry or sad or just don't care. You give her nothing!

 

 

And sometimes that will drive them nuts. But, here's the rub. It's none of her business how you feel anymore.

[TheArtist]

I agree with Blanco. Writing all of this down is very therapeutic, and this is a safe place for you to do so. But, I wouldn't send her anything. Your silence will speak more than your words. When you are silent, you give her NOTHING. She has no idea how you feel, she doesn't know where your head is at, she doesn't know if you're angry or sad or just don't care. You give her nothing!

 

And sometimes that will drive them nuts. But, here's the rub. It's none of her business how you feel anymore.

 

I agree fully with this. The best revenge, if you can call it that, and the best way of making yourself heal faster is to give her silence.

 

Or a little something I've been toying with myself, 'Your dog was delicious'.

 

Probably go with the first one though.

[mightycpa]

My GF just broke up with me, which I should have seen coming a mile away but didn't. We parted on amicable terms, however that is mainly because I was a little blindsided and didn't put up much of a response.

 

The problem is now her words are starting to sink in and they're eating at me, particularly some stuff that I take issue with. Generally speaking I'm still very fond of her, but I would like to write a final response letter explaining my side. I would also include many good things I wanted to tell her since I'll likely never see her again.

 

Deep down I think this is a bad idea and will come across as petty, no matter how fair I am, but at the same time I sort of want to let it all out today, now that we just broke up, and stop stewing on it. I have a fear that if I take time to let it go, that won't work and I'll end up drunk texting her in the future.

 

Any thoughts?

Sorry, didn't read all the responses. Did anybody say "don't do it" yet? I'm sure they did. Take that advice.

[WonderKid]

Dude I'm in thr same realm. A chick got me to believe she wanted s relationship, I did what I was supposed to, and then she ended it; casually. I feel very discarded. And I went here for help. I read the NC Guide and it had some terrific points and strategies. Since I read your letter, I'd say don't send it. Just give her silence. Especially in your case. I wouldn't talk to her for a long time.

 

The same thing also happened, she wants us to be "friends" but its obvious she found her other guy. When she does contact me again I won't even answer. Yes I want that revenge on her. But what starts that revenge is, living. When you live, then, when you come to terms of forgetting her but she keeps contacting you, then you're responses will be clear, rational, and even in a jokingly matter.

 

Trust me. Just try to do other things to shave her off your mind.

[spriggan2]

Ugh...so she contacted me via phone call. We used to use Google hangouts and so I was expecting the breadcrumbs from there. However she just straight up rang me and I had deleted her contact name so I didn't recognize the number was her. I picked up the phone and was like "who is this," which insulted her lol. Then we got to talking and she told me she was worried about me and she cared about me, oh and school is frustrating her because she isnt fitting in and she had skipped class that day. Of course I was there to console her, like a sap.

 

I gave her an update of my life and told her to stop calling me and kept the conversation pleasant, told her I was happy. But it's such a shame that I broke NC after a month of work. If I'd have known it was her I'd have ignored it.

 

Oh well. If it happens again I'll ignore it.

[spriggan2]

Interesting turn of events.

 

Ex texts me. I ignore it. Ex calls me. I answer. We talk for two hours. In the nicest way possible I explain to her my problems in the relationship, everything I'd wanted to say in a letter, and to my suprise she submits, she acts contrite, she takes my criticism on board and right then and there she tries to be more considerate. Tells me she's going into therapy. I admit to my own shortcomings in the relationship. We bond over our personal social anxiety issues. We laugh and discuss our daily lives and it feels so good. I tell her I loved her but that I'm trying to move on. I (foolishly) blurt out my current dating exploits.

 

She drops bombshells. Says if I move to her city she'll move in with me. She'll be coming to visit my city in April. She's having second thoughts about breaking up with me. She hasn't started seeing anyone and she's jealous of the fact that I'm going on dates.

 

We part on friendly terms and suddenly I'm back with this abstract hope in my head that I don't want to lose her. That we can work through this. Completely sabotaging my attempt to move on and find someone else. Where before I felt like I was dumped and had no choice in the matter. Now I feel like I have a decision to make. Most likely stay separated, but suddenly doubting whether I missed out.

[ty10]

Just carry on moving forward in your life - she's not really committed to anything with you, just said a few things which have got your hopes up. Talk is cheap and all that, if she really wants to make it work she will find a way.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, that's a lot of sizzle, not much steak. I'd stay away from contact.

[theredpill]

Sorry OP but what you think it a turnaround of events is just her f'king with you again and like a good puppy, you're there to listen to all her BS and be the good guy, whilst simultaneously explaining all the things you could have done better, sheesh... (I believe is the American terminology)

 

 

Time to take hold of your testicles and give them a squeeze, so you might fricken wake up, stop talking to this woman unless she bangs your door down begging for another chance and in the meantime start looking for someone else, so either way you have options.

[spriggan2]

That may be the case redpill...but the conversation definitely leaned heavily toward her mistakes rather than mine. I just volunteered mine so it wouldn't be all one sided. Also the fact that she's going into therapy made me think she's serious about addressing her issues.

 

That being said, yes I learned from the last time that this display of sweetness is not substantial. It's just obv screwing with my head. I told her I don't want to see her when she comes in April, that I'm not thinking about getting back with her. Have been on a bunch of dates with at least 5 different women since we broke up. It's just hard. Was crazy about her. But thanks for the pep talk guys.

[Simon Phoenix]

That may be the case redpill...but the conversation definitely leaned heavily toward her mistakes rather than mine. I just volunteered mine so it wouldn't be all one sided. Also the fact that she's going into therapy made me think she's serious about addressing her issues.

 

That being said, yes I learned from the last time that this display of sweetness is not substantial. It's just obv screwing with my head. I told her I don't want to see her when she comes in April, that I'm not thinking about getting back with her. Have been on a bunch of dates with at least 5 different women since we broke up. It's just hard. Was crazy about her. But thanks for the pep talk guys.

 

Now stop talking to her.

[smudge21]

She's stroking your ego and you love it. We all do. But unless she's running over hot coals and clawing at your front door begging to have a second chance, you need to stay no contact on her. All you currently have is some nice words. They come easy and someone who was used to you coming to her is now having to do some work - basically her own ego has been bruised by you, but there's nothing there to say she's wanting you back or even going to be the perfect partner should you take her back. You have to remind yourself that this person had a her chance and blew it. As hard as it can be to let go, and as easy as it can be to see the positive in any contact from an ex, you have to try and see this with your head, not your heart. It will always be tough, especially when they make contact.