Just got dumped today...thoughts on sending "final words" to her?

January 4, 2016

My GF just broke up with me, which I should have seen coming a mile away but didn't. We parted on amicable terms, however that is mainly because I was a little blindsided and didn't put up much of a response.

The problem is now her words are starting to sink in and they're eating at me, particularly some stuff that I take issue with. Generally speaking I'm still very fond of her, but I would like to write a final response letter explaining my side. I would also include many good things I wanted to tell her since I'll likely never see her again.

Deep down I think this is a bad idea and will come across as petty, no matter how fair I am, but at the same time I sort of want to let it all out today, now that we just broke up, and stop stewing on it. I have a fear that if I take time to let it go, that won't work and I'll end up drunk texting her in the future.

Any thoughts?

January 4, 2016

Yes. Do it here first.. trust me sooooooooo much on this. Whatever you have to say say it here and see what other people have to say and also you can re read it. then you will know if what you wrote is worth sending to her.

January 4, 2016

Your instincts are correct. It may feel cathartic in the moment to write these things down, which is why you SHOULD write them down. Just don't send it, because you won't have the desired effect you're hoping for.

Unfortunately, you're at the point where she no longer owes you anything, and that includes consideration of your side of things. You can send it to her, make valid points, and it won't do much else other than make her come back on the attack.

January 4, 2016

OP, what were the circumstances of the breakup? You said you should have seen it coming a mile away. I think your best bet is to go NC. Anything you say might get no response which will p!ss you off, and if she does respond it will p!ss you off. She ended the relationship, you understandably are upset and hurt about this. Whatever she says will just dig into that wound more, because its not like you will think "oh, that's why you dumped me, ok I'm cool with it now." I never quite understood the whole getting closure after breakup thing, seems so futile and pointless in my opinion.

January 4, 2016

I also want to add. I broke up with her the first time, and she wrote me a letter. However her letter was a 100% apology letter, which I now see was part of a ploy to get me back so she could dump me 2.5 months later and suffer less. I wrote a response letter the same day just basically telling her how amazing I thought she was.

She played me and we got back together. She broke up with me now. I let that go. I'll take the hit for being an inexperienced dope.

What I want to express in this letter are issues she raised about me that made her leave. I just want to defend myself a bit (not make any attacks), but I don't want to go into details on this board, it's basic stuff. And then I just want to unload my swelling sentiments of affection I still have for her, wipe my hands clean and move on. I don't think I'm giving her much material to come back on. But yes I think my main reason for doing this is catharsis. I know she'll read it. (I feel like I'm ok if she doesn't respond).

As for her not owing me anything, she did tell me she loves me, and she was very sad for us to split, and I know she still cares about me. But I dunno...will I be able to hold it in later if I don't express it now? I cant tell.

Edited January 4, 2016 by spriggan2

January 4, 2016

My GF just broke up with me, which I should have seen coming a mile away but didn't. We parted on amicable terms, however that is mainly because I was a little blindsided and didn't put up much of a response.

The problem is now her words are starting to sink in and they're eating at me, particularly some stuff that I take issue with. Generally speaking I'm still very fond of her, but I would like to write a final response letter explaining my side. I would also include many good things I wanted to tell her since I'll likely never see her again.

Deep down I think this is a bad idea and will come across as petty, no matter how fair I am, but at the same time I sort of want to let it all out today, now that we just broke up, and stop stewing on it. I have a fear that if I take time to let it go, that won't work and I'll end up drunk texting her in the future.

Any thoughts?

I think a good idea would be to write it first and save it as a draft. Since the breakup is new, I think you should take some time to yourself to take a breather and let yourself become a little stronger. You dont want to send her an email. It may even push her away and she may think that its all BS and youre just sending it to try to get her attention.

People have told me that silence goes a long way.

When youre emotionally ready you should send her the letter. You probably have a ton of emotions going on right now.

And who knows, what if you guys reconcile after some time apart?

January 4, 2016

I missed my chance to send my ex the letter..

It would have been a nice a f u too letter. But I didn't and nothing changed.

My point ...Don't send it. It won't change anything even if it came with money and a diamond necklace.

January 4, 2016

Is your goal to get a specific response from her such as remorse, anger, or reconsider the relationship? If so, then you may as well not write it.

If your goal is to paint yourself in a better light, again, not going to happen. As far as she's concerned its a done deal.

If your goal is to get something off of your chest, maybe have the last word and you genuinely don't care how you come across to her, then I say write the letter, wait a week and send it. Yes, that goes against conventional wisdom, but conventional wisdom also assumes that you care if you look petty or vindictive. If you honestly couldn't care less then it what difference does it make how she sees you? Just don't say anything incriminating or threatening.

January 4, 2016

Alright, well I wrote it, had a good cry and deleted it. I'll take the majority advice and let it be. God help y'all if I shoot off some bitter hate mail in the future after a rough night at the bar. I'm taking names.

January 4, 2016

Alright, well I wrote it, had a good cry and deleted it. I'll take the majority advice and let it be. God help y'all if I shoot off some bitter hate mail in the future after a rough night at the bar. I'm taking names.

You probably are..and if you don't, you will soon after she throws breadcrumbs. You aren't the first or last to run into this and respond or make first contact. Usually takes a couple times of breaking NC to set yourself straight towards the healing process and achieving indifference.

My take is ...give it time. Don't say a thing, do a thing or search a thing. Disappear from her. Give your self time. Use this time on other things. When down don't contact her....be a complete ghost to her. If she gets bothered she will look for you and reach out for answers. It's a dumb game but you have to play it to save yourself.

January 4, 2016

Alright, well I wrote it, had a good cry and deleted it. I'll take the majority advice and let it be. God help y'all if I shoot off some bitter hate mail in the future after a rough night at the bar. I'm taking names.

You are going to have this desire again. It's normal. You'll likely go through cycles where you feel sad, angry, disbelieve, anxiety, missing her or some aspect of the relationship and you will eventually try to convince yourself that it's a good idea to contact her. Don't.

Be a ghost, she's dead and doesn't exist anymore. Spend time feeling your emotions and let them wash over you, but don't let them control you to the point they make you do something. Delete her number, email everything. Nothing needs to be said at this point.

January 4, 2016

The most important thing for a dumpee to do after a break up is to not contact the dumper with emotional calls, texts or emails. Like others have said, write things out when you feel the urge, just don't contact them. This so so important. You are not in control of your emotions. they will change from one day to the next. Send something months down the road if you feel the need, but at this point with your emotions, you will send something I guarantee you will regret and it won't do a thing to give you peace or get her back.

January 4, 2016

Yes. Do it here first.. trust me sooooooooo much on this. Whatever you have to say say it here and see what other people have to say and also you can re read it. then you will know if what you wrote is worth sending to her.

Thoroughly agree. Have your words vetted by people who simultaneously care about your situation and don't know you from Adam.

It's a superb way to make your words more effective, if you choose to send it... or to give you the rationality not to send it.

January 4, 2016

I think a good idea would be to write it first and save it as a draft. Since the breakup is new, I think you should take some time to yourself to take a breather and let yourself become a little stronger. You dont want to send her an email. It may even push her away and she may think that its all BS and youre just sending it to try to get her attention.

People have told me that silence goes a long way.

When youre emotionally ready you should send her the letter. You probably have a ton of emotions going on right now.

And who knows, what if you guys reconcile after some time apart?

Good advice here. I did that myself in the past, but never sent it. However, it helped me realize why old flames were not right. I also typed up a little lessons learned and things I could have done better.

I don't ever recommend sending it though. It's not going to change anything and plus its on paper so you can't take it back.

January 4, 2016

I'm sorry you deleted it. I would have told you to print it out put it in a drawer & re-read it in about a week. Then even you would see how "nuts" you sounded. At that point, destroying it would give you more closure.

Since this is the 2nd time you broke up, let it be the last. You will be better off in the long run

January 4, 2016

In my experience its a slippery slope... once you send that one final word, you get a response and then want another final word. I should have listened to the folk on here and gone with silence... much stronger statement to make - and probably better for you in the long run. Hard as heck not to send something though.

January 5, 2016

Unless you genuinely send it as a final statement, and with some dignity. I ended my note with "These are my final words to you." And they were.

January 5, 2016

All 'final words' until next final words are clingy

bnllsheet. Silence so big they question their own

existence is the best sign of finality.

January 5, 2016

I don't regret sending mine. There was some s**t that simply needed to be said. And she's married, so there will be absolutely no follow up from

my side.

January 5, 2016

I don't regret sending mine. There was some s**t that simply needed to be said. And she's married, so there will be absolutely no follow up from
my side.

This is one of the reasons that I made my post.

In most cases, were you are looking for a specific response I would suggest against it. However, the problem with most breakups is that the dumper is usually more rational and has their thoughts collected and the dumpee is caught flat-footed. It usually ends with the dumpee simply trying to escape with some dignity and not having an outburst driven by pure emotion. Its the quintessential example of walking away and thinking of a clever comeback.

Like I said, it goes against conventional wisdom, which will apply 95% of the time, but conventional wisdom is usually based on a few assumptions that don't always apply.

January 7, 2016

Jesus. It's only been 3 days and this resentment is just building. Its giving me a headache and its making me crabby at work and occupying time when I should be productive. This chick was a total douche to me and I didn't have the spine to express it, even as she was breaking up with me. The few times I did express it she would get intensely defensive, or she would come back on top of it and get mad at me and I would end up apologizing, or she would laugh it off and make me feel like I was a small time fool for getting upset. It was ridiculous. And of course if she got upset with me for something i did she'd snap automatically and I'd instantly show remorse. But not her, she literally wasn't capable of owning up to her screw ups.

The funny thing was she knew she was a bitch. She told me she was worried that if we stayed together I'd cheat on her as payback for her treating me like crap. And yet no single issue I brought up was acknowledged as something wrong she did. Go figure...

Now she's walking away from the relationship with her hands clean and nothing to get off her chest while I'm sitting here seething.

I don't want to make excuses for my weakness. But she was my first GF and I went into the relationship eager to compromise and I was walking on eggshells, terrified of losing her. That won't happen again, even if she initiates it I am done with her. The only problem is she is good friends with members of my family and has a professional working relationship with them.

She's going to keep tabs on me and said maybe in the future we can try again because she's really fond of me (LOL). Dammit I so want to just let it all out and move on, but apparently it doesn't work like that ok.

Posting it on this forum helps, but I don't know how long it's going to keep me under control.

January 7, 2016

I also want to add. I broke up with her the first time, and she wrote me a letter. However her letter was a 100% apology letter, which I now see was part of a ploy to get me back so she could dump me 2.5 months later and suffer less. I wrote a response letter the same day just basically telling her how amazing I thought she was.

She played me and we got back together. She broke up with me now. I let that go. I'll take the hit for being an inexperienced dope.

What I want to express in this letter are issues she raised about me that made her leave. I just want to defend myself a bit (not make any attacks), but I don't want to go into details on this board, it's basic stuff. And then I just want to unload my swelling sentiments of affection I still have for her, wipe my hands clean and move on. I don't think I'm giving her much material to come back on. But yes I think my main reason for doing this is catharsis. I know she'll read it. (I feel like I'm ok if she doesn't respond).

As for her not owing me anything, she did tell me she loves me, and she was very sad for us to split, and I know she still cares about me. But I dunno...will I be able to hold it in later if I don't express it now? I cant tell.

She sounds narcissistic to me. Especially for sending you that later to get you back and then dump you later. Narcissistic move because she wants to win.

Go full NC with her. DON´T EVER CONTACT HER AGAIN. Trust me, if she really is narcissistic like I think she is, she will contact you later, regretting having done what she did.

January 7, 2016

I would tell you to take yourself out of the heat of the moment and calmly write her a letter with your final words to her nearly in tact, show no negative emotions and be the bigger man, rise above the grudges and resentment but do it for real.

Generally I would tell you to do whatever it is that you need to do before you go down the road of silence as living in regret will eat away at your soul, while living knowing you did all you could or said your last word's of love and kindness may help you move on without having to look back.

She does sound narcissistic though, try not to say anything that will give her a rise, narcissistic people love fun and games when it comes to toying with the feelings of others, seeing somebody upset or angry to a narcissist is validation for their self worth and self meaning, you really have to protect yourself against people like this.

Best of luck to you, tread softly and keep safe.

January 7, 2016

The last vent helped a lot...bitterness is all out of my system and I feel completely calm, for the time being.

Edited January 7, 2016 by spriggan2

January 7, 2016

The last vent helped a lot...bitterness is all out of my system and I feel completely calm, for the time being.

Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Just let them flow and let them go. It's a rollercoaster.

This forum is great for venting and getting things off your chest without having to reach out to her. Use this place whenever you need to, just don't talk to her. There will be times where you'll want to contact her like your life depends on it. Don't do it. Post here instead. Those cravings will pass.

Hang in there!

Sign In

Just got dumped today...thoughts on sending "final words" to her?

Recommended Posts

spriggan2

wellthatslife

Blanco

Lobouspo

spriggan2

kittyxo

NoLeafClover

Wewon

spriggan2

NoLeafClover

D.r.e

dumbass2

K2z

TheFinalWord

d0nnivain

sportygirl

K2z

erklat

K2z

Wewon

spriggan2

CherryVanilla

DrMario

spriggan2

The Poster

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...