Went on a date and the guy told me to, "let him know" when I want to hang out.

[Wewon]

Since when did wanting to have sex on the first date rank someone on the same level as a serial killer? If a woman says 'yes' and has sex on the first date does he get a promotion from scum bag to a man that doesn't 'slut shame'?

 

Anyway, the OP doesn't sound like she was all that interested so no loss. If he had already mapped out a date for a specific time and place we would be reading a thread about how thirsty he was. If someone isn't interested, your actions will always be interpreted in the worse possible light.

[venusishername]

So, I went on a date with this guy from OLD, met up for drinks, then played golf, I guess things went well, then he proceeded to tell me to go over to his place and watch a movie. I asked if he was a netflix and chill guy-he said he wasn't. I told him that I couldn't, then as we were heading out, he told me to let him know when I want to hang out with him. I'm like ok...NEXT. Since, when am I in charge of arranging dates with a guy? If anything he should have already planned something out next weekend, but didn't.

 

Bobbi- I think your instincts are right. You are NOT in charge of arranging dates with a guy you just met. Especially from OLD, I think the majority (not all, but so many) are just looking for easy sex.

I think he was hoping to get you home (can't blame a guy for trying!) but once you said no, the interest level dropped off on his part.

I wouldn't want to contact or date someone who told me to 'let him know' when I want to go out with him. As another poster said, the boyfriends we've had would NEVER have said something like that! A man who's interested will never leave it up to you to make a date. Never.

If you still like him, go for it, send him a message and see if he takes the bait. If he wants to see you again, he's gonna make that happen, trust me.

If he doesn't, you won't hear from him. NEXT!

Edited January 5, 2016 by venusishername

[GunslingerRoland]

In fairness the fact they played a round of golf and went for drinks, that is already a pretty long date. Yeah it was bold that he asked her back to his place, but let's not demonize the guy for trying to make a move after a date that probably took most of the day. And maybe he did just legitimately want to watch a movie with her.

[Brapting]

If you still like him, go for it, send him a message and see if he takes the bait. If he wants to see you again, he's gonna make that happen, trust me.

If he doesn't, you won't hear from him. NEXT!

 

This is my point. Did you not read the OP's initial post?

 

She said that she couldn't spend time with him because she was going out. His question was really 'do you want to continue things with me?' It doesn't matter what was specifically proposed, 9 times out of 10 a guy will interpret her response as a judgement on them rather than the suggested activity.

 

Basically it comes across as 'woman-speak' for 'I am not interested in you'. Humans (women in particular) are notorious for wanting to spare people's feelings by being indirect...many guys know this, so they will interpret her response as code for 'move on'...along with other cliché's like 'I am washing my hair'. How else are people to know when someone isn't interested? Would you rather have guys pursue you incessantly after you have blown them out? Would you continue you pursue someone if they had blown you out?

 

Much like you have encouraged the OP, the guy is probably thinking 'if she (the OP) was really interested in spending time with me, she would have jumped at this opportunity'. If the OP really wanted to date him...maybe she should have!

 

...but she didn't, so he has put the ball in her court and said next...and as you advise, if she really wants to see him again...it is now up to her to contact him to indicate that her response and intentions have been misconstrued.

 

It really isn't that complicated.

Edited January 5, 2016 by Brapting

[Shining One]

A man who's interested will never leave it up to you to make a date. Never.

As a man who has done this, I have to disagree with your conclusion. The only women I consider relationship-worthy are the ones who are willing to meet me half-way. If I take the time to plan dates and make them happen, she can do the same.

[venusishername]

This is my point. Did you not read the OP's initial post?

 

She said that she couldn't spend time with him because she was going out. His question was really 'do you want to continue things with me?'

 

...but she didn't, so he has put the ball in her court and said next...and as you advise, if she really wants to see him again...it is now up to her to contact him to indicate that her response and intentions have been misconstrued.

 

It really isn't that complicated.

Yes, I did read the initial post. She said no to going to his place NOT because she was going out, but because she didn't want to go home with him on their first date. This sentence changes because of the comma placement. !! She means here that she told him she couldn't, then AS we were heading out (so that she could go home from their date), he told her what he did.

 

I told him that I couldn't, then as we were heading out, he told me to let him know when I want to hang out with him.

 

The ball is in her court; I suggested that if she wants to see him again, only if, that I would send a text to make plans for second date.

 

 

Not complicated.

[venusishername]

double post

[Bobbi7]

Gosh. This one really isn't that difficult...

 

 

Funnily enough, we guys like things pretty clear-cut and unambiguous...it ain't just you ladies. We don't want to get into the habit of stalking or pestering a lady...and we don't want to waste our time and emotions on someone who isn't interested. So, in the male brain...

 

...translates to "I am not interested in you, please leave me alone and do not contact me again".

 

If the guy likes the woman, he will leave things open, just in case his male brain is misreading things. There is a textbook reply to put the ball back in the woman's court. The reasoning being that if we have got things wrong (and the woman really is interested)...she can chase things up with him...the response goes like this:

 

 

 

 

To answer this:

 

...the guy clearly wants to spend time with you, but your response indicated that you were not interested. He is telling you that he would like to spend time with you in future...and you should tell him when/if you would like to!

 

There was no way, I was going over to his place on the first date....We went to a winery for drinks, then we both drove to a golf place and we spent some time together. That should have been enough for our first meeting.

 

1.) It was a Sunday evening

2.) I had to go to work early the next morning on Monday

3.) He lives an HOUR from me. Kind of silly, let's see the movie would have lasted what 2 hours-it would have been midnight when it was done, then what? I would have driven back home-which would take me an hour? Or would did his plans include, me spending the night????

4.) I don't do first date sex-especially with a guy I met off the internet. DUH.

5.) And most important-he knew that I had to go to work early the next morning, right after I said, that I couldn't-he replied, "oh yeah, you have to go to work."

[thecrucible]

There was no way, I was going over to his place on the first date....We went to a winery for drinks, then we both drove to a golf place and we spent some time together. That should have been enough for our first meeting.

 

1.) It was a Sunday evening

2.) I had to go to work early the next morning on Monday

3.) He lives an HOUR from me. Kind of silly, let's see the movie would have lasted what 2 hours-it would have been midnight when it was done, then what? I would have driven back home-which would take me an hour? Or would did his plans include, me spending the night????

4.) I don't do first date sex-especially with a guy I met off the internet. DUH.

5.) And most important-he knew that I had to go to work early the next morning, right after I said, that I couldn't-he replied, "oh yeah, you have to go to work."

 

Yeah you made the right decision. And you have your priorities straight whereas he didn't. He wasn't really thinking about your feelings at all as if the guy was he wouldn't have asked you back to his house knowing you have work early the next day with him living over an hour away. A more considerate guy would suggest a time when it'd be less stressful for you to come when you wouldn't be thinking about work. Either he's inconsiderate or he doesn't really think things through.

[Brapting]

There was no way, I was going over to his place on the first date....We went to a winery for drinks, then we both drove to a golf place and we spent some time together. That should have been enough for our first meeting.

 

1.) It was a Sunday evening

2.) I had to go to work early the next morning on Monday

3.) He lives an HOUR from me. Kind of silly, let's see the movie would have lasted what 2 hours-it would have been midnight when it was done, then what? I would have driven back home-which would take me an hour? Or would did his plans include, me spending the night????

4.) I don't do first date sex-especially with a guy I met off the internet. DUH.

5.) And most important-he knew that I had to go to work early the next morning, right after I said, that I couldn't-he replied, "oh yeah, you have to go to work."

 

I agree with all the points that you have made...and I can see why it was unreasonable for you to agree to what he specifically proposed.

 

...but also remember that you are dealing with a human being, not a computer. Most guys will not reasonably and rationally consider all of these factors and come to a conclusion. Do not forget that guys are expected to take most of the initial risk taking and approaching. It is up to us to take the first step and expose ourselves first, open ourselves up to rejection. Do you like rejection? Do you like putting yourself and your emotions out there? Judging by your confessed irritation at him flipping the tables and putting the ball back in your court...I would say not.

 

Guys fear rejection just as much as women, yet there is more of an expectation for us to expose ourselves to it.

 

Most guys try to navigate this fear with a systematic plan to keep things simple. It goes...I suggest something, you answer yes...it means that you like me and want to spend time with me. You answer no...and it means that you don't like me and don't want to spend time with me.

 

If you answer no...a guy will often respond by dumping the responsibility for exposing oneself to rejection on the woman, i.e. "if you want to hang out again, you need to take the first step now and contact me". What is the alternative? The guy continually asking the woman out...and being rejected. Where is the payoff there? Sure, the woman might eventually accept, but often she wont...and the guy will just be left feeling rejected. Better to say to the woman...I have done my bit and put myself out there and you rejected me, if I have interpreted it wrong, you need to make the next move.

 

In short...it doesn't matter how unreasonable his request was, that kind of offer will always be interpreted as "do you like me and want to continue this? Yes or no". However justifiable your answer was, it will have been interpreted as a "no" by him.

Edited January 6, 2016 by Brapting

[smackie9]

Like I always say, if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. IMO his intentions were pretty clear. Sure there are some of our male members say, what the hell it was worth a shot, I have np doing that, what's the big deal.

 

Well to a lot of us females don't respect a guy that wants to take a shot at sex the first date.

[SmartDude]

As a man who has done this, I have to disagree with your conclusion. The only women I consider relationship-worthy are the ones who are willing to meet me half-way. If I take the time to plan dates and make them happen, she can do the same.

 

Exactly.

Anything else would be considered princess-entitlement attitude.

"let me know" in guy code can also mean: "Please give me the details of your future availability so that I can make plans with you".

 

When you asked him if he was a "netflix and chill guy", Why didn't you take a chance and believe him? That is the bigger question here. When it is a near 100% probability that every guy will try to have sex on the first date, then I will start sympathizing. Were not there yet!

 

The moral of the story is: women feel that determining a man's motives is some kind of exact science, when its really not. More often than not I would say that determining motives prematurely and acting on feelings rather than intuition is at the heart of most women's romantic failures.

[CherryVanilla]

So, I went on a date with this guy from OLD, met up for drinks, then played golf, I guess things went well, then he proceeded to tell me to go over to his place and watch a movie.

 

Yes, he wanted sex.

 

I asked if he was a netflix and chill guy-he said he wasn't.

 

He would never say "Yeah sure, I just want to have sex with you and nothing else".

 

I told him that I couldn't, then as we were heading out, he told me to let him know when I want to hang out with him. I'm like ok...NEXT. Since, when am I in charge of arranging dates with a guy? If anything he should have already planned something out next weekend, but didn't.

 

He didn't plan anything because you didn't agree to go to his place (aka have sex) with him. That is all this guy was looking for. Move on, he's not worth it.

 

Trust me ... "lemme know when you're free to go out" is a polite way to dump you. I bet he will ignore your text or flake if you invite him for anything that does not involve sex.