Withdrawn BF

[MelodyPond]

I had a small emotional fight with my bf a week or so ago now. I was stressed from the holidays. Family and friends and he was at home most of the break. My old friend who likes me freaked out and blocked him on facebook over a comment to me that he had posted on. It was childish and I'm not mad at my bf for it, but I had to deal with my friend's childish behavior as he was in town for the holidays. I was exhausted from it and my bf was a good sport about it in terms of how he dealt with it, but when he got home he was pretty open about how I brought this on myself for not setting stricter boundaries with my friend(i.e. my friend hasn't made romantic advances so I haven't told him to get over it, I'm not romantically interested).

 

A couple days later, it was day 10 of dealing with holidays and the friend drama, and my roommate started being emotional about me moving in with my boyfriend after our lease was up (we had prior agreement to live together, but I met my bf and I want to go forward with him) and another friend was dumped by her boyfriend, and both were venting to me when I was trying to make him dinner.

 

He came home, and was trying to talk to me and I was frustrated. He said something incredibly sweet, that he basically goes to work as early as he can and works as hard as he can so he could get out to spend time with me since my hours are 5 am to 1 pm. I was stressed and basically told him that honestly, I could use more alone time. He got upset and walked away for a bit and I sighed because I didn't mean to do that and he came back out and I told him that I didn't want to talk about it now.

 

Things calmed down for a bit and I started telling a story about another friend who asked me "why didn't we ever date?" and I was going to tell him that I responded he'd do better in the gay community, but my boyfriend freaked out in a jealous fit. Basically said "Well now I think that guys a douche bag" and that I needed this guys attention. I can't help it that he said that to me. This guy has been my friend for 5 years and he never tried to kiss me or anything like that and I'm frankly not attracted to him. I told him he was being jealous and he said it wasn't jealousy, and then he sort of stayed his emotions and finally said that he could never marry a woman who has to keep her options open. Then walked off. He'd been bringing up proposing to me a lot in the last month. He knows how I felt about it (I told him a few times while being intimate that he could keep me forever and that I can be his).

 

I left the apartment and went and cried a bit and came back. He apologized for freaking out about my friend hitting on me like that and admitted it was jealousy. I told him that both of these guys and several guys on my facebook list have crushes on me, but I've known them for years and only dated one of them for a short time. That I met him and chose him immediately, I want him. I am fully attracted to him and there is no way he needs to worry about losing me just because a really nice and caring guy who has been a friend to me finally admits he has a crush on me after 6 years. I think he's kinda ****ed up since his mother abandoned him when he was a kid and is an alcoholic now after she came back into his life when he was 8. Also his dad was a drug addict too.

 

I told him I was sorry that I freaked out on him. That I just wasn't in the mood for any more emotional crap for the moment and just wanted a break. I wasn't trying to ignore him and he told me it was fine and all was alright. Just so long as I wasn't trying to avoid the conversation we needed to have about ****.

 

That night, he slept on the opposite side of the bed and never looked at me. I did snuggle up to him the next morning and he was affection and missed me but was not snuggly like normal. That night he came home and we had our conversation about it and I apologized again for my comment about needing alone time and that I love his sweetness and I adore it and him still and I love him completely. He doesn't understand, not to be TMI, but I let him finish in me, only one man in my life has been in me without a condom, let alone do that. He is all I want and now he feels somehow that I don't like him or his sweetness.

 

He has been cold to me in the last week. He said he read about jealousy and knows that it's a fear of losing me and that he realizes how much I am in love with him and knows he doesn't need to fear this. He said he'll work on it, but the thing is, he says this but somehow I feel like he is still mad at me or is punishing me. He doesn't seek me out for any physical affection anymore when he used to primarily do it. I am trying to snuggle more and he is being sorta normal there, but he says I love you a lot less. He doesn't text me as much or answer my texts as much I wish it would go back to the old way and I talked to him about it once and he just said that he was fine.

 

Any advice on how I can get him to open back up to me? I miss how we were.

[Jammer25]

Why do you feel the need to stay connected to these "several" guys who have crushes on you? Pretty much any guy would feel like he's not #1, even if he says otherwise. It's a bit confusing if you tell him, but still stay close/in touch with these other guys.

 

Have you made an effort to have a sit-down discussion about these issues?

[MelodyPond]

Well, we have talked about it.

 

They like me because I can tell they like me. Otherwise, they've been good friends, and many of them I do things with like play dungeons and dragons, and I sell them beauty products, or I do enjoy having conversations with them.

 

I'm a flirt, so is my boy friend. We both agreed that flirting is harmless. Anyway, I'll be myself and eventually they hit on me and I just tell them I am awesome They have never asked me on dates or told me how they felt or anything, so I guess I assume they just accepted they are friends. I mean most of these guys are so far below my boyfriend in attractiveness, he shouldn't even worry at all.

 

I am also a very caring person and I don't want to shut people out of my life. I tell the one guy that has crossed a boundary that I am very much in love with my boyfriend and he should accept it or move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

It wasn't a smart move to tell your boyfriend that some friends and a bunch of FB contacts have crushes on you. What were trying to achieve in saying that? I don't blame your boyfriend for wondering why you need attention from other men. Your boyfriend probably feels like he's one in a list of men who vie for your affections. Telling him another friend asked why you never dated didn't help the situation. You have to understand most men wouldn't love knowing their girlfriend is staying friends with guys who've expressed interest. He apparently isn't okay with whatever flirting is going on, despite both of you claiming flirting is harmless. You see now that's it's crossing his boundary.

 

Look, he was obviously already feeling hurt by your request for an afternoon to yourself. I actually don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I imagine the way your phrased it wasn't ideal. Add his obvious discomfort about these orbiters you keep in touch with and you've got a man who feels like he's probably not good enough.

 

It's only been a week. You've done all you do in terms of apologizing so just give him space now. I imagine he will come around again but stay patient for now and understand he's hurt. I think time will help. And please reconsider your boundaries with these friends of yours that apparently have crushes on you.

 

Out of curiosity, how long have you been together and how old are you both?

[MelodyPond]

I don't think it's that I need or revel in the attention of other men. I have many friends and I'm bisexual. I actually don't see a difference between men and women as friends or lovers, so my boundaries of what is okay with other men may not be the best.

 

He knew this before and we talked about it, and our boundaries. I am friends with these guys just like girls. I like their personalites and they like mine I guess. Also, I'm attractive, so any 'new' guy friends I meet will probably do the same.

 

My boyfriend is very attractive, and I don't screen friends on attractiveness. He shouldn't be worried, and my goal was to just keep pointing out that guys are going to try and he doesn't need to worry because I want him.

 

Yes, my request for an afternoon off wasn't too much, but there has been a combination of things. He's super sweet and I'm afraid he's doing it with some level of deliberateness, so last month I told him I thought he could be a little more selfish. Also, because he had to move in with me for the last month and a half (long story), I've become a little more complacent in our time together and admittedly, our intercourse reduced. What's the rush, we live together! He has talked to me about it and he took it as a sign of reduced interest because we went from every day to every three days and I turned him down for sleep a few times in those days.

 

Combined with that, and my other mistake of telling him and my roommate that I'm looking forward to my day off without them, he got annoyed. He basically told me that he has avoided me for three days to give me the alone time and to stop blaming him since I schedule my schedule so full. I mean I do, I was just venting to him before and in this moment, just kinda said it without thinking about the past. I didn't mean it personal, I just need some damn alone time. I just keep saying it in a way that sort of does blame him and I don't mean to. I guess I do feel bad, because he actually set an alarm the other day and left 10 minutes before I got home. I had told him I was excited for this down time and then I invited my friend sam over and told him by text before I knew he left to give me alone time. It just keeps happening that I look like a selfish bitch now.

 

He's 31 and I'm 28.

[TaraMaiden2]

Let me tell you something.

Women 'do' platonic. They're very good at it.

Guys....? Not so much. They do platonic but more often than not, with the 'hidden' agenda that really, they'd like to get you horizontal.

And there is a big difference between having friends who are female, and friends who are male, notwithstanding your bisexuality.

 

To keep attracting these guys, entertaining their comments and compliments, is disrespectful to your BF and I'm sorry, is a feed to your ego.

I mean, what woman, honestly, doesn't like being told she's desirable?

 

I'm sorry. That, at least, you should definitely knock on the head.

It's tactless and shows disrespect for his place in your life.

Edited January 4, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[thecrucible]

I also agree on getting rid of the orbiters as it crosses too many boundaries to be speaking to guys who clearly want to get in your pants. It likely makes him feel inadequate and that he isn't enough for you. I would feel similarly if I were him (from a woman's perspective). Objectively speaking I don't mind if a guy I'm dating has female friends but with an old boyfriend I once saw him flirt with other girls in front of me and it just made me feel awful to see him as much as put his arm around the shoulders of another woman. I know that sounds odd but it really made me feel uncomfortable.

 

I used to always say "a little bit of flirting does no harm when you're in the relationship" but I actually completely disagree now. You have to put respectful boundaries in place to preserve your affection for each other. And when you enter a relationship, you are opting out of coming across as available to other people. You should have little desire to flirt with others. I'm not saying we should never ever find anyone else attractive other than our partners (that's naive and unrealistic), but flirting with them should be a lot less appealing when you are in a good relationship.

 

It's not enough for you to tell him that it's okay those guys hitting on you. He won't think "it's okay those guys are hitting on her as I know she would only want me". The guy is probably thinking you are playing mind games with him or is thinking "If that guy felt confident enough to hit on her, he must have had a green light from somewhere". It's just not a good idea to mention another guy hitting on you to a guy you are dating. Rather than suggesting "hey my girlfriend must be really hot to get all this attention", it can very likely lead to a completely different reaction.

 

Also kind of found this profession of true love interesting from OP:

I love his sweetness and I adore it and him still and I love him completely. He doesn't understand, not to be TMI, but I let him finish in me, only one man in my life has been in me without a condom, let alone do that.

[Itspointless]

I guess I do feel bad, because he actually set an alarm the other day and left 10 minutes before I got home. I had told him I was excited for this down time and then I invited my friend sam over and told him by text before I knew he left to give me alone time. It just keeps happening that I look like a selfish bitch now.

Being selfish would not cross my mind, I would wonder if you really wanted alone time or just time away from me. I'm an introvert and often really need alone time to reload. Inviting friends when I feel drained really is not an option for me. Add the other things and you would leave me wondering, as then you want affection, then not and vice versa.

 

He admitted that it is fear with him, some people show this by distancing which is a protective mode. With him it sounds reactive, are you sure he is the withdrawn one?

[MelodyPond]

Just to be clear, my friend Sam is a girl too Just in case you ask if I was withdrawn and why he may question my interest in him. I wasn't choosing to hang out with any man over him at all and never.

 

I'm not withdrawn, I've been chasing him for two weeks now (well, of course giving him space) but at night and stuff, I've been poking my way into snuggles and he's starting to warm back up some now. I can tell though, he's still being a little cold but when I ask him if something is bothering him and he says there's no problem.

 

I guess I don't understand what it matters how some third person's feelings can matter in our feelings for each other. I love my friends, but it's a different kind of love. I love all of my friends and most people and I have a lot of love to give. I'm not going to kick someone out of my life because they have feelings for me when they've been a good person.

 

I told my bf when we started dating and before that I have a lot of friends and a lot of guy friends. That I'll always be a flirt and I can not tolerate jealousy. That I'll never leave him for another man, I'll never let myself fall in love with another man, and the last result of our conversation is that if I'm attracted/have a crush on another man, I won't flirt with him. He really doesn't get that I wouldn't let myself get a crush on another man while I am with him, but I agreed none the less

 

Hopefully things get better now and he starts warming back up. I really miss his sweetness so much.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to be clear, my friend Sam is a girl too Just in case you ask if I was withdrawn and why he may question my interest in him. I wasn't choosing to hang out with any man over him at all and never.

 

I'm not withdrawn, I've been chasing him for two weeks now (well, of course giving him space) but at night and stuff, I've been poking my way into snuggles and he's starting to warm back up some now. I can tell though, he's still being a little cold but when I ask him if something is bothering him and he says there's no problem.

 

I guess I don't understand what it matters how some third person's feelings can matter in our feelings for each other. I love my friends, but it's a different kind of love. I love all of my friends and most people and I have a lot of love to give. I'm not going to kick someone out of my life because they have feelings for me when they've been a good person.

 

I told my bf when we started dating and before that I have a lot of friends and a lot of guy friends. That I'll always be a flirt and I can not tolerate jealousy. That I'll never leave him for another man, I'll never let myself fall in love with another man, and the last result of our conversation is that if I'm attracted/have a crush on another man, I won't flirt with him. He really doesn't get that I wouldn't let myself get a crush on another man while I am with him, but I agreed none the less

 

Hopefully things get better now and he starts warming back up. I really miss his sweetness so much.

 

The problems isn't the feelings a third party has for you - the problem is how you are responding to it. The problem is what you consider to be appropriate boundaries with these friends isn't okay with your boyfriend. You have different views as to what constitutes flirting, friendship and protecting your relationship. The way you've stated the above makes it sound as though you're not willing to compromise or see how this might be hurting him. That's how I read it, anyway - that you're hoping he'll come around and see things your way.

 

You have your ways. He has his. When ready, you really need to talk and define where each of your boundaries are and what you both view as harmful to the relationship. Right now, you're definitely not on the same page. And it will continue to erode the relationship unless you're both willing to come to an agreement about how to preserve the integrity of your bond..

[LoveRefreshed]

I would probably be considering breaking up with you before I got to emotionally close and you cheated on me or left me for another man since you aren't making healthy choices for your relationship with your man.

[Itspointless]

Just to be clear, my friend Sam is a girl too

Yes I got that. I was pointing to the fact that there are different meaning around talking about 'alone time"

I'm not withdrawn, I've been chasing him for two weeks now (well, of course giving him space) but at night and stuff, I've been poking my way into snuggles and he's starting to warm back up some now. I can tell though, he's still being a little cold but when I ask him if something is bothering him and he says there's no problem.

I got that too Still with what you told it perhaps can be explained by him as warm/cold-behaviour by you.

 

I also think you both should do some more communicating. Best is that you let him talk and you listen to how he perceived things. And you you talk about how you have perceived things. Give each-other space to really converse without being reactive to each-other. There might be easy solutions to these things.